I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve never had a great relationship with sleep. I think it started when I would stay up all night trying to unlock Jenna Jameson’s character in “Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 4” (I didn’t know about the cheat code back then). Or maybe it was when I would sneak out to the living room to turn on Adult Swim after that kid at school told me they let “Aqua Teen Hunger Force” say “fuck” uncensored after 3 a.m. (you’re a lying bastard, Ricky—that’s probably why your dad left).
The point is that I used to have to fight to stay up late. Now, I’ll stay awake until the sun comes up if I’m not careful. But trust me—I have a plan to fix my sleep schedule, and begin putting my shitshow life back together. All I have to do is not sleep tonight, then I’ll be so tired that I’ll just have to go to bed at a decent hour tomorrow. I’ll crash out at 10 or 11 and be up by 7 the next morning. It’s foolproof!
Look, I know what you’re going to say. “You’ve tried this before and it’s almost never worked—and even when it does work, it never sticks. You always end up falling asleep before you even make it to the next night. Last time you tried this, you passed out at noon and lost your job at Taco Bell after they found you face-down in the shredded cheese. The time before that, you fell asleep on the couch at 3 p.m. and made us late for my grandmother’s wake. And even that one time it did work, you ended up staying awake until 5 in the morning two days later anyway. This is getting unhealthy and I’m worried about you.” Well, I know my body.
Despite exhibiting this pattern of behavior for most of my adult life, I’m 100 percent confident that pulling off this stunt will fix everything forever this time—and that I’ll never have to make any changes to other aspects of my lifestyle or examine my mental health in any meaningful way.
I just lose track of the time is all! It’s not my fault that super interesting YouTube videos happen upon my feed while I have other, more important tasks to complete. Sure, I need to have my tax return done by tonight—but how can I possibly be expected to focus on that before learning all the ways Ween inspired “SpongeBob SquarePants”? And so what if I pace around the living room rehearsing for imaginary conversations when I should be writing my screenplay? I can leave all that behind anytime I want—and borderline torturing myself through sleep deprivation is just the way to do it. The next time you see me, I’ll have such a healthy sleep schedule you’ll be sorry for ever doubting how well-adjusted I am.
Editor’s Note: The author of this piece ended up falling asleep at 2 in the afternoon and woke up around midnight. He insists this is only a minor setback and that “one more try will definitely do the trick “for real this time.”