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Millennial’s Retirement Plan Contingent on Rare Records Never Being Repressed

AKRON, Ohio — Local scene legend and bartender William Lindberg admitted his dreams of retiring in his fifties or sixties depends solely on which of his records get repressed, confirmed multiple sources on Discogs.

“I looked at the numbers and having a 401K, Roth IRA, home equity, or even a solid savings account are not as valuable as having an original ‘Chung King Can Suck It.’ It’s all about liquidity. You have to be 59½ to withdraw from a 401K without penalties. Meanwhile my albums are readily accessible, unopened, and inhabit most of my living room,” said a self-assured Lindberg. “My diversified collection of original pressings, picture discs, limited editions, and three copies of ‘Blonde’ by Frank Ocean guarantees an exponential return on investment that could survive any period of economic downturn.”

Some, like Lindberg’s roommate Greg Spanos, aren’t so certain.

“He’s living in a fucking fantasy. I’ve been roommates with the guy for years because it’s cheap as fuck to live here and I’m trying to save up for a house,” said Spanos. “Every week he blows his paychecks on albums by bands he doesn’t even listen to. He has an original pressing of ‘Sing the Sorrow’ that he refers to as his nest egg. Well, guess what? AFI announced a 20th anniversary repress, and now the album is worth $700 less than it was a year ago. And he bought that repress too! Don’t even get me started on Rowland S. Howard’s ‘Teenage Snuff Film.’”

Phillip Dupay, a certified financial planner at J.P. Morgan who specializes in retirement plans, isn’t surprised by this trend but does suggest proceeding with caution.

“We see a lot of millennials investing in niche trinkets and cryptocurrencies in lieu of traditional retirement plans. While it’s never too late to take a more conventional approach, the most important thing is to not put all your eggs in one basket. I knew way too many Gen X-ers who put their life savings in Beanie Babies and we know how that turned out,” said Dupay. “A safer strategy would involve supplementing a record collection with VHS tapes of horror movies or golden ‘Ocarina of Time’ cartridges.”

At press time, Lindberg admitted he’d also been stockpiling “Paw Patrol” merchandise since the pandemic because he anticipates in twenty years a new generation of nostalgic adults will fund his beach house in Florida.