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Opinion: Sure, I Have a Soul-Crushing Job Now but With Hard Work in 30 Years I’ll Be Dead

If you’re anything like me, you’ve got a living nightmare of a job that takes every ounce of your being to make it through the workday. The inter-office politics, the endless meetings, the constant email notifications, training seminars, the commute, fucking anything Microsoft, the team-building exercises where you pretend you’re all friends and wouldn’t throw each other under the corporate bus for even a chance at getting more recognition, the drudgery of it all. It can all seem like too much sometimes but I have good news. In just a few decades, if you put in the hard work and with a little bit of planning, once you have reached the right age, you can just die.

But to do this right you need to put in some effort. Once you hit 65 you want your body to stop working in every way possible and surrender to the great unknown. What does that mean? It means go wild with your lifestyle choices now. Eat like shit all the time. This should be easy since the only meal you actually have time to eat is the greasy fast food garbage you shovel down as you sit at your desk. And drink… a lot. Alcohol is essentially poison and if you have enough over the coming years it will hasten your arrival at the gates of the eternal afterlife. Just kidding, there’s no heaven. There’s no anything – that’s the point!

Ask yourself, what is your plan for once the monolithic clusterfuck of Capitalism has squeezed every last bit of labor out of you? Retirement? Nah, not with the kind of money you make. You’d need to work three lifetimes to make that happen. Winning the lottery? An inheritance from some rich uncle you never met? Starting your own successful business selling THC-infused mushroom coffee or some bullshit? These are all pipe dreams which, don’t get me wrong, are a great thing to fantasize about as you stare through your computer screen 9,10, possibly 12 hours a day, but they are not a real plan for your later years. No, the only true way to retire is to accept The Grim Reaper’s cold embrace.

Just think, as you are lying there gasping out your last breath and are about to drift off into the endless void of non-existence all the stress, anxiety, and tear-inducing boredom you had to endure during your time at work will all be forgotten, and will have made no impact on the world in even the slightest way. Doesn’t that just make it all seem worthwhile? It will be a seamless transition off this mortal coil also since you’ve been dead inside for years.