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Discogs Used to Calculate Net Worth

BALTIMORE — Local vinyl collector and self-proclaimed financial wizard Eric Drysden recently calculated his net worth using vinyl website Discogs.com, claimed friends who were definitely not helping the situation.

“Financial planning isn’t something I studied, it just kind of came naturally to me,” said Drysden while flipping through the latest issue of The Economist. “I knew that vinyl was the honey-pot of my net worth and Discogs is like my Stock Exchange. I’ve been collecting for almost three years, and let me tell you, I have some gems. It took me about three days to enter everything, though it probably would’ve been quicker if I hadn’t forgotten my password every fucking time I logged in. Sure, I’ll probably never be able to retire, but at least I have a Japanese pressing of a Spin Doctors album, and that’s close enough.”

Friend and enabler John Gilbert assisted Drysden in his financial goals, providing sound vinyl advice along the way.

“I don’t have any records myself, but my guy Eric is the one of the shrewdest investors in this town’s scene, and when he needs a little push on a big deal, I’m there for him,” said Gilbert while reading the latest issue of Hot Rod Magazine. “Just the other day we were at Target and found Smash Mouth’s greatest hits on purple splatter vinyl. Eric almost passed on it, but I explained to him that it’s a totally sound investment and will easily catalog for double on Discogs within 25 years.”

Financial planner Geroge Thorton says its familiar territory for those who haven’t been able to save for retirement.

“Honestly, I don’t even give a shit anymore,” said Thorton while reviewing a list of action figures in a will. “The Discogs list he put together has the collection assessed from a low of $17 to a high of $37,839. Fifteen years ago this would make any financial planner panic, but honestly it’s no less volatile than most of the world markets right now. The other day I had a client list his assets as how many Playstation games he thinks his friend Troy can ‘accidentally’ throw in a dumpster behind the local Best Buy, so I guess it could be worse.”

At press time, Drysden was contemplating diversifying the portfolio with a box of 173 old cassettes at Goodwill.