Local Plastic Surgeon Glad To See Hardcore Shows Are Back

Posted on by Kevin Tit

DULUTH, Minn. — Local plastic surgeon and director of Hammer Face Medical Clinic, Dr. Dennis Riley is glad to see hardcore shows finally coming back as vaccination rates continue to rise across the country, multiple patients confirm.

“Our business really took a hit during the pandemic,” the medical professional admits. “It was a time for a lot of people to reflect and learn to accept who they are, which is really bad for our line of work. Luckily, hardcore shows here are back in full force which has literally saved my practice. Countless broken noses, fractured cheek bones, collapsed eye sockets… you wouldn’t believe how many clients this resurgence has given us.”

While there has been a lot of positive reactions around the return of shows, some are suspicious about the doctor’s ethics in practicing medicine.

“I mean it’s cool that he fixed my broken nose but I feel like that’s fair considering how he’s the one who broke it,” says local punk Varun Tempe. “I mean, I was at the show to run sound. I wasn’t even anywhere near the pit. It feels like this guy is deliberately going to shows with the intention of drumming up some business by crowd killing unsuspecting spectators. I get that it’s hardcore and people get hurt all the time but I’ve never seen someone two step over to and elbow the person working the merch booth in the face before.”

While his methods may be unconventional, some locals believe the doctor is doing a great service for the scene.

“Dr. Riley is the fuckin’ man, bro!” said scene regular Diego Alvarez. “That fool reconstructed my face after it got fucked up by a rogue bottle rocket during the Section H8 set under the interstate. Normally I’d never be able to afford a procedure like that but we worked out a deal where he could use my before and after photos as promotion for his business so it worked out for everybody. My kids can finally look me in the face without violently vomiting all over their shoes!”

At press time, Dr. Riley was seen practicing with his new band “Co-Pay” in one of the clinic operating rooms.

Review: The Postal Service “Give Up”

Posted on by Dom Turek

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we cover “Give Up,” the 2003 debut album from The Postal Service.

I’ve been going over the tracks from The Postal Services’ only studio album, “Give Up” with a fine-tooth comb at the insistence of an independent agency from the federal government, and it’s been the best three weeks of my career as an attorney. From listening to “Clark Gable” on my commute to work to queuing up, “The District Sleeps Alone Tonight” before bed, leveraging a cease-and-desist letter against The Postal Service has been an auditory delight.

In the rare instance anyone forgot about one of the most famous almost-lawsuits of the 21st century, I’ll remind you that the United States Postal Service issued a cease-and-desist letter against indie pop band, The Postal Service in 2003 citing copyright infringement. Although the disagreement was settled amicably and The Postal Service was allowed to keep their band name, a small group of United States Postal workers remain determined to reclaim their namesake by sending a second cease-and-desist letter.

I knew this case would never see its day in court, but the going rate for drafting and sending a cease-and-desist letter starts at $800, and as a degenerate gambler I was in no position to turn down money. At the very least I decided to go through The Postal Services’ discography to look for further evidence of trademark infringement. Although I didn’t find any infractions, I did find my new favorite album and current soundtrack to my life, “Give Up.”

So far, two personal Injury lawyers and one intellectual estate lawyer have complained to the higher-ups about me playing the album at an “ungodly volume” during work hours, but you can’t fire someone for thoroughly researching their case. If the lyrics from “Such Great Heights” don’t invoke any kind of emotional response in you, my next court case is going to be proving you are heartless before a jury of your peers.

“Give Up” is a national treasure and answers the frequently asked question, “What would Death Cab for Cutie sound like on Prozac?” If penning legal complaints against The Postal Service is the only way I get to listen to them at work, I’ll write five more cease-and-desist letters and hand deliver them personally to Ben Gibbard and Jimmy Tamborello. Like Roe v. Wade or Nixon v. The United States, every lawyer has that one case that reminds them why they let their father force them into law school.

Score: 4/4 plea bargains

/**/

14 Care Reacts on Selfie Hints This Is Memorial Post

Posted on by Rachel Steele

PASCO, Wash. — A cursory look at a recently posted selfie on Facebook revealed what appeared to be a memorial post based on the number of care reacts found underneath the image, according to sources who don’t need to read more into this to put two and two together.

“It’s been three years since Mary [Hastings] ‘s boyfriend Gary passed, so I thought it was kind of weird to see a selfie of him out of nowhere,” said Facebook friend Danny Ecklund. “I took one look at the reactions under the pic and there it was, couldn’t have been spelled out more clearly for me — 14 ‘care’ react emojis, and a ton of heart emojis in the comments. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that this is a memorial post for someone who passed, I mean, it’s not like it was just some picture of a cat or a college graduation where you can drop a ‘like’ and move on.”

Local man Harold Billings committed a social media faux pas after leaving a simple “like” reaction on the post, rather than adding to the more intimate “care” emojis.

“It was a nice picture, I didn’t give it much thought. I’m not really one to pick up on small details like that, I’m a big picture kind of guy,” Billings said, while his smoke alarm blared and the eggs on the stove began to burn five feet away. “I don’t even see what the big deal is — likes, hearts, reactions, it’s all just lights on a screen to me. At least I asked before I just went and shared it.”

Social media expert, Jenna Williams, weighed in on how common these etiquette mishaps can be.

“Scrolling on social media is a different experience for everyone. Some people take little social graces very seriously, others have yet to catch up with all the nuances of emojis, text lingo, and the new reactions Facebook released a few years ago,” she explained. “In the grand scheme of things, little social cues like these may not really matter. You could miss a hint and do or say something a little insensitive, maybe get ignored by some of your friends, maybe never be invited to dinner again, maybe get shunned by all your friends and family for the rest of your life and have your girlfriend plot your demise. But hey, now you have extra brain space for video games and TikTok.”

At press time, Billings’s Facebook post commemorating “2 years sober” was well met with three “care” emojis and 10 “laughing” emojis from his friends and roommates.

Budget Cut Forces Local Police to Move Foosball Table into Room Full of Untested Rape Kits

Posted on by Dianne Nora

ST. LOUIS — The St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department was forced to relocate one of their foosball tables from what was previously the breakroom of a local department into a room full of untested rape kits following department-wide budget cuts, witnesses report.

“When traumatic things like this occur, understandably, everyone goes into a sort of shock, and has trouble grasping just exactly what’s gone on,” said Commissioner of Police, John Hayden, Jr. “Sometimes, these guys even go blaming themselves. They may be wondering: was it something I could have said or done differently to prevent the city from repurposing our break room? Was it my fault, for having too much fun or enjoying too many drinks on duty? But the last thing I would want is any of my officers to start questioning their behavior on duty.”

Rookie Officer Jimmy Kowalcyzk said that the news of the foosball table’s relocation had been devastating to the force’s morale.

“I’m not gonna lie, we’ve had a really hard year,” Kowalczyk confirmed, attempting to suppress his emotions. “Me and the guys, we heard about hateful protests against us, and Antifa fooling people into thinking that cops don’t have their best interests at heart. And that hurts. Some days, I’m so discouraged I just want to stay in bed, but I know I’ll only have to show up at work the next day and push a few papers around to collect a paycheck since my incident a few months back. I swear, it’s gotten so bad that a few times, the stress made me accidentally reach for my taser when I was trying to pull my gun.”

Sherry Harper, a clinical psychologist at Washington University whose research focuses on criminal justice workers, confirmed that incidents such as this one can be damaging to an officer’s sense of wellbeing and security.

“When a person experiences a significant trauma, like these officers grieving the relocation of their foosball table, it’s normal for that loss to reverberate throughout their lives,” Harper said. “I’ve seen patients who had night terrors years after having to move a ping pong table from the squad room to their garage. Some can never return to work. If we don’t address these wounds, as a society, we may have to stop dedicating forty percent of our municipal budgets toward police departments.”

At press time, the officers were devastated to learn that additional budget crunches might mean that the fake evidence they keep around to plant on citizens might have to be stored in their office keg fridge.

5 Awesome Frozen Dinners That Made You Realize She Was Holding You Back

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Convenience food gets a bad rap, but things have come a long way since a stringy Salisbury steak in a foil tray! In fact, many frozen dinners have been prepared by gourmet factory machinery and are as nutritious and delicious as any home-cooked meal! And more so, these five awesome frozen dinners are so tasty that they make you realize she was holding you back this whole time, and it’s actually a good thing you’re on your own!

#1: Stoller’s Lasagna with Two Meats: This classic baked pasta dish is not only delicious, it reminds you that she never believed you were the kind of person that could walk into their job and tell the boss what they think of them, even if it took a whole lunch break at Shaughnessy’s Pub to work up the courage. And check it out! Two meats! That’s double the variety of meats standard, non-frozen lasagnas typically give you!

#2: Hungry-Dude Kickass Boneless Wyngzzz with Attitude!: Hell yeah, this frozen meal is not only two pounds of artificially processed, white meat chicken patties, it packs a sizzling Buffalo Sauce that burns your mouth just like the words you always held back in arguments. Now that she’s not here, you can say those words out loud! You’re free to say whatever you want, whenever you want! Sure, there’s no one else in this empty house to hear them. But you can say them, alright.

#3: Kwik-Kitchen Chicken-Fried Steak: She never would have let you have all that cholesterol. And now look, all the cholesterol you want! Gravy! Pretty sure those are sausage chunks! Butter substitutes! These carbs are fuel you need to rise like a phoenix to heights now one ever thought you’d be capable of, next time you leave the house, whenever that is. Sometime soon. But not right now.

#4 Chef Guiseppe’s Breaded Stuffed Manicotti Bites: This one takes you right to the Mediterranean! Those baked pasta chunks, oozing so full of sauce and not-quite thawed cheese, it’s like being back on your honeymoon in Cinque Terra, where she and you had dinner at that cafe right at the shore. You can practically feel the sea spray on your cheeks! But no. That’s not sea spray.

#5 Mom’s Casserole: It was nice of Mom to come and drop by this tuna noodle casserole. It tastes like home. It tastes like old times. Good times. But those times are gone forever and there’s nothing to do but push forward. Keep pushing forward.

And remember, any meal can be paired with a handle of gin!

Free Show Not Worth It

Posted on by James Knapp

ROCHESTER, Minn. — A free show held at the recently reopened coffee shop Jittery Jill’s Caffeine Cave was reportedly “not even worth acknowledging the Facebook invite,” deeply disappointed sources confirmed.

“This show is so fucking pointless. I didn’t even have to pay a donation at the door but I still might ask for a refund anyway,” said Vivian Ansel, who attended approximately twenty-five minutes of the nearly three-hour-long show. “I was really excited for shows to start up again as the pandemic had been winding down, but this is just pitiful. I can’t believe I even left the house for this, and I’ve been stuck inside for fourteen goddamn months!”

Jeff Framer, drummer for the pop-punk band Abra-Ka-Debra, detailed some of the reasons he felt the show was an absolute waste of everyone’s time and effort.

“I formed this band with my roommates over quarantine after we couldn’t practice with any of our individual bands for more than a year. Needless to say, we’ve never played together live. This was always gonna be a rough show, but even so a lot of stuff could’ve been done to make it bearable at least,” explained Framer. “The PA system was broken, no one was allowed to drink, the opener was a vegan ska protest band, and the headliner didn’t bother to show up so we just ended up playing our set twice. I think if they had tried to charge for this, there might have been a riot, which would have at least made things a little interesting.”

Despite universally negative reviews, shop owner Jill Konkentrer remains optimistic about future free shows.

“We really want this shop to serve as a cultural hub for the community. It’s not about profit, it’s about providing artists a safe space to express themselves,” said Konkentrer while sipping on an $11.00 latte. “I actually feel like this show did a great job reintroducing the business to the local scene and letting everyone know that many more shows are to come; but also that we’re always here if they want to drop in for a pumpkin spiced chai espresso bagel.”

At press time, Konentrer had announced plans to add open mic comedy nights and slam poetry readings to the venue’s show roster, further outraging hundreds.

NOT AGAIN: Elmer Fudd Reportedly Slept With LeBron James’ Mom

Posted on by Jerrod Kingery

BURBANK, Calif. — Controversy erupted as reports surfaced that Tune Squad small forward Elmer Fudd engaged in a torrid sexual affair with the mother of superstar teammate LeBron James mere hours after a championship parade through the ruins of King’s Landing in the Warner Bros. Serververse.

“I-I-I couldn’t b-b-believe just wh-wh-what I was see-see-see-see-see, uh, looking at,” explained Porky Pig. “I-I-I was performing at the after party on Dr. Evil’s Secret Lair under my rap pseudonym the Notorious P.I.G. That’s when-a-when-a-when I spotted Fudd and Gloria canoodling while sharing a table with Tony Soprano and Space Ghost. After the whole th-th-thing with Delonte all those years ago basically bl-bl-blew up LeBron’s first Cavs team, I just knew our chemistry was fu-fu-fu-fu, uh, ruined.”

Serververse DomBall commentators Ernie Johnson and Lil’ Rel Howry noticed the team’s issues, pointing to an exhibition game the Tune Squad lost to the goblins from Gringotts Wizarding Bank of the “Harry Potter” film series.

“The Tunes got shellacked by Gringotts, and to see LeBron get nutmegged by Griphook was really embarrassing,” Johnson recalled. “My man was jawing at Bugs Bunny like it was his fault he froze up. If it weren’t for Bugs dressing like a sexy lady goblin to distract Gringotts and Lola Bunny using their unfurled tongues as a slingshot to shoot her towards the basket for a sweet honey dip, they would’ve gone scoreless in the 4th quarter.”

Elmer Fudd didn’t confirm the sexual affair, but did express disappointment with the way James had iced him out in recent games.

“LeBwon and I had a gweat welationship, but now he’s letting pewsonal feewings affect the game, and that’s not wight, if you ask me,” Fudd said, lacing up his street shoes. “Now he’s feeding that big oaf Gossamer under the hoop and ignowing me open on the wing. It’s a fucking joke, but I’m not waughing.”

James offered no comment, but at press time Adrian Wojnarowski tweeted that the four-time MVP was rumored to be in the final stages of forcing a trade to the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

Reason Woman Can Afford Therapy Becomes Reason She’s in Therapy

Posted on by Rachel Steele

MIAMI — Local woman Sandra Clemens realized in a therapy session late last week that her new job with benefits enabling her to work with a mental health professional is the only thing she talks about in therapy.

“I was so relieved when my health insurance added behavioral therapy to my covered services. I had a lot on my mind, and I was looking forward to seeking professional help from someone besides my cat,” Clemens said. “In the first few sessions, we discussed my inability to say no, and my need to please everyone around me. Eventually, I realized we were only talking about my job. The whole reason I can afford these weekly sessions is because of my new promotion, my pay raise, and my boss finally opening up my schedule to give me one day off every two weeks… But the only breakthrough I’ve had is that I’m pretty sure I should have just stuck with dog walking and temporary Medicaid.”

Clemens’s therapist, Robin Gershwin, weighed in on the booming business she gets from overworked clients in need of therapy.

“My sessions with Sandra are confidential, but I will say that she is no different from my typical clients, who are only in therapy because they can afford it through their high-paying, highly stressful careers,” said Gershwin, after wiping down her marble tabletop and setting down her designer purse. “Sandra may not be able to say no to her boss, and she may be suffering mentally and physically because of it, but business has never been better! Good for her, by the way, getting a promotion at work. I hope it leads to exciting new opportunities for me… I mean her.”

Project manager Rich Hartman noted Clemens’ improved performance since attending therapy.

“I’m glad Sandra is getting the help she needs. Our company values mental health above all else. It helps our employees focus on work instead of the little problems in their life,” Hartman said. “When Sandra started out at this job, she had very low energy. But after just two sessions in therapy, she has way more headspace to tackle more tasks and responsibilities in the office. Perfect timing, too, because for some reason one of my top workers quit last week.”

At press time, Clemens was found passed out in the bushes, fast asleep after working double shifts for 48 hours straight.

Will I Understand the New Suicide Squad if I Haven’t Seen a Movie Before?

Posted on by Tom Peters

‘The Suicide Squad’ is without a doubt one of the most hotly anticipated movies of the summer. Guardians of the Galaxy director James Gunn has hopped across the aisle to put his stamp on this DCU franchise, and the fans are rabid with anticipation.

But if you’re anything like me, you might be asking, “Will I understand the new Suicide Squad if I haven’t seen a movie before?” “Will this new installment make sense if I haven’t seen any of the previous films, like ‘Backdraft’ or ‘The Great Train Robbery’?” Let’s dive in and find out!

Judging by the trailer — which is essentially a littler version of the movie in both size and duration — we first meet someone who looks a lot like the guy from the “Hot Ones” meme, but he says his name is Bloodsport. A quick internet search tells me that “Bloodsport” is the name of four whole other movies I haven’t seen, so this is going to be a long night.

But just as we’re learning what hot wing guy looks like from several different angles, the temporal continuity is radically disrupted by the instantaneous appearance of Ariana Grande’s ex in an entirely different location, giving me the impression that time has passed in the interim. Mr. Gunn, you truly are a master of your craft, I assume!

From here I saw character after character walking toward the screen, which could only mean one thing: They are coming right at me and I need to get out of the way fast. But when I reemerged from my closet, everyone was still inside my phone, this time alongside a real life Street Shark.

In what can only be a horrendous blunder, the trailer leaves out how the movie actually ends, but to be perfectly honest, the odds are stacked so severely against the Suicide Squad that it seems impossible that they’ll ever come out on top. This might not be an ideal choice for your first narrative film experience after all.

My advice? Skip The Suicide Squad in theaters and wait until it comes out as a set of collectible shot glasses at Hot Topic.

Punk Show Running Early by About 90 Minutes Late

Posted on by John Danek

ERIE, Pa. — A basement punk show is currently running unprecedentedly early, as it is set to begin merely 90 minutes late and potentially break a world record, excited attendees report.

“Everyone knows ‘Doors at seven’ really means, ‘Doors at nine assuming the host doesn’t get pulled over on the way back from a beer run,’” explained showgoer Jenny McClaine. “But I’ll be damned if it isn’t 8:26 p.m., and the first band is fully loaded in and sound-checked. It’s about 96 degrees out, and this place has semi-functional air conditioning, so I’m sure that helped shave some time during load in. I keep waiting for the PA to explode or something, but this whole thing might be wrapped up before the cops can even bust it.”

One of the musicians set to perform tonight was particularly excited by the collective efficiency.

“Yo, we’re so early that we should probably do some shots, right?” asked Eric Black, lead guitarist of crossover thrash band Suicider. “I randomly found this bottle of Old Grand-Dad in an unlocked car outside on the street. I play better, sing better, and raise my kids better when I’m a little drunk. Also, I think someone ordered pizza? I don’t want to drink on an entirely empty stomach, so let’s wait to see if that shows up. We got time.”

Patrick O’Sullivan, a judge for Guinness World Records, was in attendance to record the possibly historic punk show.

“Ever since punk erupted in the mid 1970s, shows have been delayed on the order of hours for a variety of reasons,” explained O’Sullivan, who attentively watched his computer’s countdown timer. “Whether it’s bands bickering about lineup order, musicians underestimating how long it takes to drive between cities, or the desperate hope that the crowd will fill out in just a few more minutes, most punk shows are on the average between two and three hours late to begin. This is a stunning example of things going almost smoothly. The only issue is that everyone keeps harassing me to give them free Guinness, and we aren’t even affiliated with them anymore.”

While the show did indeed start only 90 minutes late, O’Sullivan was unable to record the record as he was immediately sucked into a circle pit and concussed.