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Metalhead Hospitalized for Nerve Damage in Neck Just From Thinking About Corrosion of Conformity Reissue

RALEIGH, N.C. Local metalhead Damien Walsh is recovering at the Holly Hill Hospital after suffering severe nerve damage in his neck from visualizing himself ferociously headbanging to Corrosion of Conformity’s reissue of “Blind,” sources confirmed.

“When I heard Corrosion of Conformity was finally repressing ‘Blind,’ I couldn’t stop imagining myself doing rapid-fire figure eights,” said Walsh while a nurse adjusted his neck brace. “The next thing I know, there’s a searing pain in my neck like I just headbanged myself into total whiplash, but I didn’t even move a muscle. Even my arms are a little tender from picturing myself throwing up horns non-stop while those bass lines rip through my core. If my body can be in this much pain just from thinking about the record, then I can only imagine that I’ll absolutely die when that sucker is officially released.”

Walsh’s son, Alex Walsh, allegedly had to spring into action after realizing his father was in need of medical attention.

“When a blood curdling scream erupted from my Dad’s bedroom followed by the thud of his body hitting the floor, I thought maybe he fainted because he read that Slayer was already reuniting or something,” said the younger Walsh. “I knew what was wrong almost immediately. I told him he’s too old to be thinking about headbanging like that. His body might have been able to handle the hype in the ‘80s, but now that old goat pulls a muscle just from humming ‘Vote with a Bullet.’

According to a medical expert at Holly Hill Hospital, Dr. Lydia Knight, this disorder is rare but not abnormal amongst the aging metal community.

“We call this condition Imaginative Cervical Radiculopathy, and it’s not uncommon during major metal album releases in quarantine,” said Knight. “The patient has so much pent up energy from not being able to release it in the pit that the emotional intensity is enough to manifest itself into a vicious bangover. I’ve seen similar cases amongst other scenes, like ska punks suffering from tendonitis after restlessly envisioning themselves skanking.”

At press time, Corrosion of Conformity’s PR representative was heard begging Walsh not to imagine himself in a wall of death or it might actually kill him.