ATHENS, Ga. — Touring COVID strain Delta Variant surprised showgoers after being added to a sold-out show at local punk venue The Tribune late last night, a rapid number of increasing sources confirmed.
“I heard Delta Variant was in town because my aunt is an ICU nurse, and she said that her hospital is full of patients that have already seen the virus,” said show promoter Ethan Warner. “I knew there was a chance Delta Variant would show up tonight. The show was packed, most people took off their masks before they overheated, and we have no ventilation because all the windows are nailed shut so nobody breaks in and sleeps here. The last time we had anything like this was when we double-booked Swine Flu and Pig Destroyer.”
Local punk Lucas Soto was unhappy to hear that Delta Variant hopped on to the show.
“This piece of shit strain knows that it isn’t welcome in our town. We’ve spent too much time making our venues all-inclusive spaces for people of all races and gender identities, and Delta Variant always seems to latch on to the most vulnerable members of our scenes,” said Soto while trying to suppress a cough. “I think we might need to have some community meetings to try to keep this from happening again. I’m not going to sit back and let infectious diseases continue to abuse people. Once Delta Variant leaves here, it will probably go back down to Florida and continue its reign of terror.”
The Delta Variant admitted it doesn’t care what naysayers think, and that it will continue to show up at live music events.
“If you were me, a virus, you would do the exact same thing I’m doing. You find a place that has a lot of potential hosts, you kick the fucking door in and you go to town on those immune systems,” said the genetic mutation. “The real assholes are the people getting those vaccines and letting so many of my brothers and sisters die. I’m fighting for my fucking life, here! This whole country is so fucked up. No matter how much I try to make myself known, there are still people that don’t believe in me. But I want to thank those haters; you’re only making me work harder. That hate fuels me.”
Delta Variant is planning to continue its world tour and suggested you check out its side project, Long COVID, which is appearing at a drone metal show later today.