US Economy Adds 943,000 Opportunities for Workers to Be Exploited by Employers

Posted on by Dianne Nora

WASHINGTON — The US economy showed signs of rebounding after it added 943,000 new opportunities for workers to be exploited by employers in July, according to data reported by the Labor Department today.

“Exploiting workers is sometimes more difficult in summer, so it’s great to see such bullish numbers in July,” said Jonathan Hare, an economist at New York University. “Since capitalism beat back the scourge of COVID-19 we are now seeing workers spending long, grueling hours indoors through the hottest months of the year, quite possibly without air conditioning, often on their feet for hours without a break. If we’re lucky, we might even see some of these employees develop symptoms of seasonal depression, because while CEOs and board members will be vacationing with their families this August, many workers will likely be stuck indoors all day long without access to natural sunlight.”

Workers across the country have noted the increased opportunities to potentially contract COVID-19 at their place of work.

“I’ve mostly been home with my family this past year, so the odds of getting sick seemed pretty low,” said Harry Conley, a former sales representative who lost his job in the spring of last year. “In my recent job search, I’ve noticed lots of ads saying they’ll be moving to in-person work soon, so now I’ll be able to put my wife and kids in danger, too, just as the numbers of the Delta variant continue to rise. My kids are too young to get vaccinated, and my wife has asthma so it’s good to know that there are still lots of chances for my boss to put my family at risk to justify the cost of some commercial real estate they’re renting downtown.”

Andy Jassy, the new CEO of Amazon, said industry leaders are thrilled for the opportunity to exploit at such a large-scale.

“At Amazon, we value growth and efficiency, so the opportunity for us to take advantage of so many workers is really valuable to us,” Jassy explained. “Smaller job numbers may have meant that we’d need to be more concerned about unionization efforts, or complaints about human rights abuses at our warehouses. But with numbers like these, we could probably have a few more people die on the job and rest assured that there would be thousands clamoring to replace them. And that makes our investors happy.”

At press time, Hare added that the new opportunities for exploitation would likely be accompanied by a cut to the social safety net and any advancements in consumer protections.

Heartbroken? Here’s 5 Magnetic Fields Songs To Make Everything Worse!

Posted on by Josh Klasco

You spent four years in the most exhilarating relationship of your life. For the first time, you felt lovable. You never thought a loser like you would experience that kind of connection in your life! But now you’ve broken up and you’re crying in the middle of the street because an ice cream truck drove by playing “You Are My Sunshine.” So here’s five Magnetic Fields songs to make everything worse!

With these songs as your constant companion you’ll burn through your post-breakup depression and be ready to make the same mistakes all over again with someone new in no time!

5. I Don’t Want To Get Over You
This is a classic. Everyone knows that the best way to make a breakup worse is to convince yourself that you’ll never love again. Treat yourself to a pack of clove cigarettes and straight vermouth and let the cortisol shoot through your veins.

4. I Thought You Were My Boyfriend
This is a great song for when the break up anger kicks in. Feeling like an idiot for opening yourself up to love in the first place? Feel like romance is a practical joke being played on you? Crank this tune while you and your single friends pretend to swear off love forever.

3. Too Drunk To Dream
“Sober, life is a prison. Shitfaced, it’s a blessing.” Dreaming of your ex is a common side-effect of sobriety. If you go to sleep strung out on cheap wine and gummy bears, you’ll never dream of anything! Just be careful not to drunkenly sleepwalk to your ex’s place and shout, “you heartless bastard, you’re my one and only!”

2. I Don’t Believe In The Sun
If there’s a sun in the sky, why is life so cold and dark lately? The sun is obviously a lie that the Hallmark made up to sell cards. The world is a dark, horrid hellscape. Just stay inside all day and ignore your “friends” trying to coax you to a park. Those happy idiots are too stupid to realize what pointless existence we’re all suffering through.

1. Andrew In Drag
This tune actually isn’t sad at all, so why are you crying? Because all life is pain now, silly!

Deleting Unwanted Emails Every Day For Rest of Life More Convenient Than Clicking Twice to Unsubscribe Forever

Posted on by Bobby Korec

MEDFORD, N.Y. — Local Gmail inbox peruser Maiya Sollecito took the decidedly more convenient approach to dealing with undesirable emails by deleting them every day for the rest of her digital life instead of merely clicking twice to unsubscribe to each one forever.

“I’m not even sure at what point in my life I willingly subscribed to half of these in the first place,” said Sollecito while deleting a “Top 10 Coastal Towns in Florida” email from The Discoverer. “Regardless, why spend one whole minute to unsubscribe for eternity when you can take two seconds every day until you die to get rid of these relentless emails from 1-800-FLOWERS? My time is precious. After all, I’ve got other emails to delete. Also, the last time I tried to unsubscribe I somehow accidentally checked a box to receive four times the amount of emails as I was previously. There’s literally nothing I can do at this point.”

Those on the other end of these digital messages were very familiar with Sollecito’s tactic.

“Egregiously repetitive emails that psychologically wear you down is basically our only marketing strategy,” said brand specialist Dina Norway. “Sometimes we don’t even put anything in the body of the email because we know they’re just going to get canned immediately anyway. All that matters is that you see our company name every day for the rest of your life, but not too much so you’ll get irritated enough to actually hunt for the unsubscribe link deeply camouflaged in a barely visible font size in the email itself. It’s a fine line, really. Consider it like we’re slowly brainwashing you. Before you know it, you’ll have no idea how you got inside a Bath & Body Works as soon as it opened on a Saturday morning. But we do.”

Psychologists further weighed in on the phenomenon of unwillingness to unsubscribe from email lists.

“Studies have shown that you actually get a tiny burst of dopamine every time you delete an unwanted email from a clingy corporation,” said digital media researcher Gloria Mentzger. “So subconsciously your brain doesn’t technically want to unsubscribe, because it kind of gives you the same result as exercise, sex, or getting hammered. But like any dopamine-inducing activity, it can develop into an addiction. Some email-deleting addicts even use a burner Yahoo! mail account for these exact purposes.”

At press time, Sollecito discovered a more effective way to rid herself of unwanted emails by simply deleting her email account entirely and starting a brand new digital identity.

God Works in Mysterious Ways That Somehow Always Reinforce What I Want To Believe

Posted on by Bobby Korec

God works in mysterious ways. That’s why I don’t question God’s plan for me. I merely pick and choose from the parts of it that justify my incredibly narrow view of the world. That said, I will totally question God’s plan for anyone who is even the least bit different than me.

Let’s start off with a parable. I once knew a gay guy that I didn’t feel comfortable around. You see, God gave me those uncomfortable feelings to teach me a lesson about openness and understanding. I learned that I had to be open to God’s plan for me, and to understand that God gave me these feelings because gay equals icky. Praise be.

Or how about when God created COVID to specifically get back at liberals for irritating me, personally? Thanks again for that one, Big Guy. Few people understand that God definitely had enough of these Democrats and their performative progressivism, and that’s why he invented a virus that affected the entire world in order to take out as many people as possible regardless of political affiliation. We can’t question God’s intention. We can only attach meaning to it that somehow always aligns with the beliefs I want to be true after the fact.

Anyway, as a lifelong Catholic or Christian (one of those), I’m simply more qualified to know what God is thinking. You’re probably thinking that my interpretation of an all-knowing and limitless God sounds a lot like a closed-minded and petty human whose development prematurely ended in middle school, instead of an entity that is so advanced that we humans couldn’t possibly begin to comprehend its power.

But you have to remember that God is made in man’s image. Specifically my image. I can’t remember the exact Bible verse that goes over that, but it means I know exactly what He’s thinking at all times. Thank goodness it always reinforces what I already knew.

Granola Bar and Three Beers Before Show Considered Dinner

Posted on by Anna Walsh

ASHEVILLE, N.C. — Local punk Shannon Kildare adheres to a unique, and potentially damaging, meal regimen of a granola bar and three beers before attending shows or doing general tasks, skeptical sources confirmed.

“All the macros are here. You got your complex carbs plus ample hydration from the beer, and then your protein and all that other stuff from the granola bar. There’s like 12 types of seeds in these bars: flaxseeds, sunflower seeds, chia seeds. This is the same shit that makes birds fly. Of course they’re hearty enough to fuel me through a few songs in the pit,” Kildare explained while trying not to doze off. “I have people trying to tell me that I’m ‘malnourished’ and that ‘my blood will stop clotting’ if I don’t start eating better. But I think they are just jealous that I found an efficient system of nourishment.”

Kildare’s roommate Jose Hingham shed some additional light on her everyday routine.

“First of all, I’ve never seen her have so much as a drop of water. She gargles with creme de menthe because she thinks mouthwash is just minty alcohol anyway,” said Hingham while grinding up vitamins to put in his roommate’s beer. “Her entire understanding of what constitutes a meal is completely fucked. Once she made ‘brunch’ for the house but it was just a pitcher of vodka with some hot sauce in it and a box of expired Pop Tarts. I’m concerned if she keeps up this kind of diet that her bones are going to turn to powder next time she tries to stage dive.”

Certified dietician Diane Zhang reviewed Kildare’s diet as part of a study of unsustainable eating habits.

“I’ve seen a lot of restrictive, ludicrous diets in my profession, but this is one of the worst. Not only is a majority of the calories from this ‘meal’ made of alcohol, but the particular brand of granola bar she’s been eating is actually 80% sugar and 20% fat. It has no nutritional value whatsoever,” Zhang lamented. “And I don’t know how many times I have to say this: beer is a dehydrating substance. Just because the beer you drink has the consistency of water, that does not make it a viable substitute. You absolutely should not be doing physical activity on this snack/alcohol combination.”

At time of publication, a clearly intoxicated Kildare was seen explaining to a convenience store clerk that the pack of gum and Red Bull she was purchasing was her dessert.

Horny Heroes: This Ska Band Refuses To Make Puns

Posted on by Eric Navarro

Ska is constantly in the crosshairs of the rest of the alternative scene. The genre, its bands, and its fans constantly face ridicule from their peers for a myriad of reasons. But mostly it’s because of the puns. The puns generate like 99% of ska hate. Fortunately, we discovered a ska band that is breaking this ska stereotype, challenging the entire scene to take a second look at a genre they may have dismissed prematurely. This ska band refuses to make puns. We sat down with these horny heroes to find out more.

The Hard Times: Hey, thanks for taking the time! We have to admit we are blown away by your renovation of the ska genre. You guys really are horny heroes.

Ska Band: Horny? Oh. Haaa. Yeah, we get it. We just try to stay away from making surface-level jokes and stick to our guns as songwriters who don’t rely on gimmicks.

That’s incredible. Now, in the ska community, there are debates over what is or isn’t ska. Some purists would even argue that ska-punk isn’t true ska. Would you say your band is more of a straightforward ska band? Or are you more of a ska-pun band?

…You said “pun” on purpose, didn’t you?

So what made you decide not to pick up the wordplay your genre is known for? What’s the matter, don’t have the brass?

It’s not that we don’t have the- oh, “brass.” Clever.

How many gui-ska-rists you guys got? Two?

You’re not even listening to our answers. You clearly wrote a bunch of ska puns you wanted to tell us.

Fair enough. But firskat let me ska you just one more queskation.

Holy shit, please stop. We’re human beings. We talk normally. Ska music just sounds fun and energetic so it pairs naturally with some light comedy. Hell, most of the “puns” ska bands get mocked for making are actually portmanteaus, which is a far more sophisticated form of wordplay.

Far more?

Moderately more.

Give us one example of a ska pun. Just one, then we’ll leave you alone.

Okay, it’s true! We confess. We don’t know how to make puns. It’s our biggest secret and our greatest shame. Please don’t publish this. If it gets out, the posters on HornPub will eat us alive.

Roommate Qualifies for Olympic Final of Stacking Trash on Top of Already Full Trash Can

Posted on by Heather Cook

TOKYO — Trash stacking Olympian for Team USA, and resented roommate, Erica Forman qualified for the Tokyo 2020 finals of Stacking Trash On Top of an Already Full Trash Can Tuesday evening, repulsed sources confirmed.

“I’ve been training for this moment ever since I realized that if I continuously heap piles of rotten garbage on top of an already full trash can, my roommate will eventually get fed up enough to take out the trash herself,” said Forman while strategically stuffing a banana peel into an empty DiGiorno’s box. “Now, I’m going to prove to the world I’m not a lazy loser by bringing home the gold. My signature move is forming a perfect pyramid out of ten empty White Claw cans on top of an overflowing pile of old pasta. If I can squeeze a handful of paper towels that I used to clean up some cat puke on top of all that, then I’ll be unbeatable.”

London’s former Olympic gold medalist in trash stacking, Manuela Sanz, is returning to defend their title as the all-around champion.

“Forman might be the new frontrunner in this competition, but I didn’t make my whole apartment smell like a moldy lagoon just so I could lose,” said Sanz during warm-ups. “Some people think I might be getting too old for this, but trust me, there are plenty of 36-year-old roommates that are still too lazy to take out the trash. During the qualifying rounds, I stacked a pile of old yogurt cups over six feet high on top of trash that was already three weeks old. That steaming pile of shit made a judge from Germany throw up when the smell hit him. We’ll see how the newbie fares against that level of mastery.”

Dr. Rivers Groff, an expert in the field of hazardous waste and an Olympic judge, broke down the rules of this emerging Olympic sport.

“We judge this competition based on a myriad of disgusting components,” said Dr. Groff. “The height and width of the trash tower, how annoyed the athlete makes their roommates, and how terrible the stench is are all important factors in who gets the gold. It’s like Jenga, but with freezer-burned Bagel Bites. Forman’s stiffest competition is going to be the young woman from Ireland that just squeezed an old meatball sub into a milk jug. Now that’s creative.”

When asked by reporters what Forman will do if she doesn’t win in the Trash Stacking finals, Forman replied that she will have to double down on the “Neglecting to Recycle” round of the competition.

Help! The Line for the Show Was Too Long and I Ate All My Canned Food Donations

Posted on by Eric Navarro

Oh boy, I’m really in some hot water now. The entry for this show was either cash or canned food donations so I, of course, brought the latter. However, now I’m fucked because the line was too long, I just ate all five cans I brought and I can’t afford to get in. Help!

Speaking of hot water, that actually sounds nice after eating all this alley-temperature soup.

How was I supposed to know the line to a free show would be wrapped around the building and that a punk show would push doors back two hours? Completely unprecedented. Anyway, I didn’t eat dinner because I figured I’d be inundated with beer by now. Instead, I was left standing here with an armful of off-brand cans and the only pit I could focus on was the one in my stomach. So I did what any of you would do: I ate the shitty canned food I was gonna give to the homeless or the orphans or whatever. Well, now here I am staring down a door guy who refuses to see my side of things. He must have eaten dinner at a reasonable hour.

You ever eaten four straight cans of split pea soup? It’s not a treat. Plus I didn’t have a spoon. I’m covered in split peas. I don’t even wanna see the show anymore, I just want to wash my hands. Around the third can, I swore I’d never donate crappy food again. From here on out, I’m only donating brand names people trust like Chef Boyardee.

I can’t believe I ever thought it would be acceptable to bring a can of just pumpkin pie filling. Like, “Hey, kids in migrant camps! Do you want a shit-colored can of mashed squash for dinner? No? Makes sense.” That said, I was able to trade the rest of the can to an AFI fan behind me for a swig of his amulet flask, so the night wasn’t a total loss.

Weezer Included In Fine Print Disclaimer of Festival Lineup

Posted on by Richard Circuit

OKLAHOMA CITY, Okla. — The lineup poster for this summer’s Megapalooza included a tiny disclaimer below rows of band names warning attendees that the festival may contain Weezer.

“I bought my ticket because the lineup looked sweet, but a tiny asterisk led me to a warning,” said Veronica Smith, who planned to attend the show. “I assumed it would be about food-borne illness from a concert hot dog, but it said ‘Megapalooza is not responsible for any renditions of ‘Beverly Hills’ or any subsequent mosh pits of 37-year-olds thereafter.’ I knew they did a huge font for the headliners and smaller fonts for the smaller acts, but they put Weezer in tiny writing next to a warning about heat stroke.“

“Actually, that makes sense. I get lightheaded and nauseous when I hear ‘Island in the Sun,’” she added.

Smith contacted a lawyer, who said that the disclaimer had technically disqualified any chance of a refund.

“My client will be putting her social life on the line with the risk of hearing ‘Magic’ by B.o.B. featuring Rivers Cuomo live in concert,” noted Smith’s lawyer in a statement yesterday. “And she suffered immense monetary losses when the Weezer revelation dropped ticket resale value to zero dollars. Unfortunately, the disclaimer covered the festival promoter’s asses, and the full risk of sharing an Instagram story with the first words of ‘El Scorcho’ entirely audible was taken by my client, and my client alone.”

Other customers caught the disclaimer early, narrowly avoiding financial losses, or worse, attending the festival.

“I heard a radio ad for Megapalooza the other day and it sounded like an awesome time,” said CJ Dowd, another potential attendee. “But at the end, that fast-talking guy from prescription drug commercials came on and said ‘Side-acts may include Weezer. Megapalooza is not liable for an outbreak of Pinkerton.’ This is a festival in the time of pandemics and natural disasters. I know that there are going to be potential hazards, but I have a family, and if I get ‘The Sweater Song’ stuck in my head, and I start humming it at home, I’ll lose them.”

At press time, Megapalooza had mailed out legal waivers stating that those who have not signed off on the risk of a “Getchoo”-induced spinal injury will not be let into the show.

Review: Turnstile “Glow On”

Posted on by Kevin Tit

It’s been over three years since Baltimore’s Turnstile rocked the world of hardcore with their “Time & Space” album. Now, after teasing fans with their latest EP “Turnstile Love Connection,” the band is back with their third, genre-defying full length record Glow On via Roadrunner Records.

This band does a masterful job of weaving playful arpeggiated melodies into their hook heavy hardcore riffs and the first song on the album “Mystery” is a testament to that. It’s actually upsetting how good these songs are. So much so that in the course of me trying to figure out how they do it, I accidentally took out my frustration on my loved ones. I’m not proud of my behavior but, in my defense, what kind of person tries to talk to someone wearing headphones? I was obviously focused on something.

I understand that it’s rude to listen to music at the dinner table when everybody is trying to celebrate your parents’ 40 year marriage anniversary but have you listened to that song “No Surprise?” What the fuck is even going on there? It’s so fucking catchy and good but there isn’t a single guitar or drum on it. There are a billion wedding anniversaries happening every day. Name me another Hardcore record with a song like that on it. I fucking DARE YOU! I’ll save you the trouble. You can’t. That song is in it’s own category.

Maybe if my family got their heads out of their asses we could have shared the experience together and they wouldn’t have been so alarmed when I flipped the table yelling “BOOM BOOM BOOM” before running around the house in slow motion. In hindsight, I see how that could have been a little weird but you know what’s weirder? Calling the cops on your own son. I thought this was a night to celebrate love. Not a night to watch your oldest son pull the gun off an officer’s hip and create a whole hostage situation.

I do appreciate the fact that the cops didn’t have their body cams activated and my folks decided not to press charges. Not as much as I appreciate the fact that Turnstile continue to cultivate an original sound that transcends the bounds of traditional hardcore. Don’t miss out on this masterpiece.

Score: 5/5 Wholesome Family Gatherings

Preorder your copy now:

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