SEATTLE — Local anarchist Tommy Greggors staunchly declined to answer a survey about his experience at OfficeMax, confirmed sources. “I simply refuse to let the…
IRVINE, Calif. — Taco Bell’s revamped artificial intelligence drive-thru has reportedly been making the human fingers commonly found in their burritos look unrealistic and perverse,…
AUBURN HILLS, Mich. — George Quinn, an account manager at the Babaco insurance company, recently realized the amount of sheer envy he had for a…
Trying to change the world for the better is tough. Systems in place are designed to maintain the unhealthy status quo. If you truly dedicate…
As the hole in the crotch grows larger than each leg hole, my wife begs me to buy a new pair of Hanes! First of…
Newburgh, N.Y. — Kirsten Emery, guitarist in local punk band Feral Insurgence and vocal critic of Valentine’s Day, curiously embraced the “sham” holiday now that…
SAN MATEO, Calif. — Multimedia tech CEO, Peter Avakian, held a mandatory all-hands meeting to ensure every employee was present for an iPhone slideshow from…
MILWAUKEE — Local third-grade teacher Grace Redding recently stated she “would not trade her job for the world” despite the constant toll it takes on…
DURANGO, Colo. – Employees at a local insurance office were granted permission to arrive to work baked out of their goddamn gourds and reeking of…
POMONA, Calif. – Liz Gore, lead vocalist of local death metal band Afterbirth, reportedly slipped into a strained and high-pitched customer service voice onstage last…
LOS ANGELES — Netflix announced they plan on adapting an English language version of the hugely successfully Korean drama “Squid Game” which will depart from…
LOS ANGELES — Live show overlords Ticketmaster instituted a new paywall that hides exactly how much users are going to be gouged in unnecessary fees…
WHEELING, W. VA — Aging punk roommate Dennis “Onion” Wilkins ritualistically bequeathed the key that allows them to steal toilet paper from Wendy’s to his…
Capitalism has been around for at least as long as I’ve been alive, so it’s safe to say it’s here to stay. Since we’re stuck…
COLUMBUS – Self-proclaimed anti-capitalist, James McCarthy, expressed his true feelings for his long-term partner by forgetting it’s Valentine’s Day for the fourth year in a…