SAN MATEO, Calif. — Multimedia tech CEO, Peter Avakian, held a mandatory all-hands meeting to ensure every employee was present for an iPhone slideshow from his most recent vacation to outer space, tired employees confirmed.
“Times are tough right now, and as CEO it’s my job to inspire. There’s no better way to do that than by being an aspirational person, showing them firsthand how awesome it is to be someone like me. Someone that gets blowjobs in zero gravity,” said Avakian while showing multiple graphic slides. “Of course, I made it relatable through metaphors so they could better understand; I told them how I shoot for the stars, my light burns bright like the sun, etcetera. But mainly, money is tight right now, and I wanted them to know that all their efforts aren’t for nothing. They’ve made at least one person very happy.”
Employees of the company confirmed they were instructed to clap at every picture, ponder every caption, and praise Avakian’s looks in every selfie.
“The office kiss-ass pretended to faint in awe, North Korea style,” revealed long-time employee Grace Gap. “My department’s project manager didn’t laugh at one of Peter’s jokes and Peter suspended him for two weeks without pay on the spot. At the end of the slideshow we were given polls to vote on the coolest picture from the slideshow, which Peter would then post, and we’d have to retweet while saying something like ‘Coolest boss, coolest company.’ I’d say it was a waste of time, but honestly, I needed a break from all the extra work that’s been put on my table to make up some of the projected financial shortfalls the company is facing because of his trip.”
The company’s Human Resources team said they were backed up, with a line out the door, the following morning.
“It’s not illegal to require employees to laud your accomplishments, but someone did have a compelling argument filing a suit for cruel and unusual punishment,” admitted HR head Henny Baker. “Organizing all these complaints is going to be a nightmare. Maybe the most unfortunate thing is all these people don’t know that their performance reviews were in the bottom fifty percent.”
At press time, half of the company had been laid off, with no severance, escorted out to the parking lot by security.