Newburgh, N.Y. — Kirsten Emery, guitarist in local punk band Feral Insurgence and vocal critic of Valentine’s Day, curiously embraced the “sham” holiday now that she is in a relationship, report sources who are rolling their eyes.
“I first noticed something was off when she didn’t punch the Whitman’s Sampler chocolate display at CVS,” said friend and bandmate Arlo Woodward. “Look, it’s totally fine to be into silly traditional Valentine’s Day things, and it’s also fine to hate it. But Kirsten’s timing here is so obvious. I guess last year she wasn’t that sincere about destroying ‘evil patriarchal consumerism’ and was just bitter about being single when she suggested stealing all the rose bouquets for sale outside the gas station and dousing them in drain cleaner and throwing them on her ex’s car.”
Emery denied that her sudden pro-Cupid attitude was related to her new boyfriend Tom Stantevich.
“Participating in the most disgusting corporate capitalist scams is a valid form of protest,” she said, pausing to text kissing-face emojis and a shopping link to a large heart-shaped diamond pendant to Stantevich. “If Tommy buys me this necklace for Valentine’s Day and I wear it everywhere, it raises awareness, okay? It raises awareness of how much he loves me. And the whole diamond mining thing. Right?
“And Huggy Teddycakes is a punk icon,” she added, pointing to a giant stuffed teddy bear next to her. “We’ll put him on stage at our next show to prove that bears wearing heart bandanas that say ‘You Are Beary Special to Me’ are so subversive. Wild bears don’t use money, so Huggy here is the realest anti-capitalist symbol.”
Relationship expert Dr. Fitzgerald van Herk confirmed that new romantic love can transform even the most aggressive Valentine’s Day haters.
“It happens a lot in cultures where there was a built-in excuse for disliking the holiday before, such as punk groups that object to mainstream trends, societal expectations, or consumerism,” he explained. “All that goes out the window once you’re getting that committed sweet sweet lovin’ every night. Suddenly in February we see newly boo’d-up punks in Hallmark stores tenderly grabbing anything sugary or heart-shaped. Not even stealing it, actually buying it! Miss Emery’s transformation is very common.”
At press time, following her first big fight with Stantevich, Emery had returned to calling Valentine’s Day a scam and was spotted flinging Huggy Teddycakes into the Hudson River.
