Press "Enter" to skip to content

Guy Envious of Coworker Too Stupid to Have His Soul Crushed By Company

AUBURN HILLS, Mich. — George Quinn, an account manager at the Babaco insurance company, recently realized the amount of sheer envy he had for a coworker who is simply too stupid to have every ounce of happiness in his life crushed by their employer, several grouchy sources report.

“Every day I come to work, I watch Chaz as he just sits there all day, breathing heavily from his mouth, with a completely blank expression on his face, totally oblivious to the fact this company crushed his spirits years ago. Absolutely incredible,” Quinn explained. “I’ve been in this dump for only eight years now, and it made me lose all hope for the possibility of having any sort of meaningful existence three years ago. I know Chaz has been here at least double that, and everyone says he’s always been that dumb. He’s one lucky sonofabitch.”

Charles “Chaz” Bunkle says the love for his company comes from the help of its policies and the people he works with.

“Well, after Babaco gave me a job, I felt like I owed it to them. That’s why I’ve never taken my PTO. Ever. You see, that was the very first step. Gotta establish respect early,” Bunkle stated, adding that time away from work just “distracts us from focusing on making our employers happy.” “Then I realized I was even more satisfied whenever I would stay after for an extra hour a day without pay, so I kept at it. Also, squealing on others helps out when things are slow. But with all this being said, I never let my coworkers feel intimidated by how much the bosses love me. God, I love it here.”

Donna Marquez, a senior manager at the company, says individuals too dumb to realize they’re being exploited often experience tragedy.

“I’ve been here 34 years now, so I can tell you that I’ve seen dumbasses come, and I’ve seen some dumbasses go,” Marquez explained. “But this one guy, Tim Rushwell. The guy refused to speak up about a faulty electrical socket next to his out of fear that if he made a fuss of any kind, his boss might not get his Christmas bonus. Then one day, poof, his mop-top of Vinny Barbarino hair acted like a rag soaked in kerosene. Poor guy didn’t even see it coming, except for the 100 times he could have pointed out the flaw, of course.”

At press time, Babaco awarded Bunkle the title of “Suckhole of the Month” for the 64th month in a row.