As the hole in the crotch grows larger than each leg hole, my wife begs me to buy a new pair of Hanes! First of all, I like that my junk dangles through the hole when I squat. I call it the bubblegum chandelier. And although they haven’t provided support in years, they do provide a sweet joke about my dick needing a bigger hole than my legs. Secondly, I’m not letting a product pit like Target add her hard-earned $7.99 to their money pile!
Now that I think about it, she’s always pushing hygiene and healthcare products on me too! That and her full dresser has me thinking she’s just some possession-idolizing shopaholic. So if a materialistic loved one starts pressuring you too, fight back with The Hard Times Guide to rejecting consumerism when your spouse begs you to buy a second pair of underwear.
Drive it till the wheels fall off.
After the wheels of my ‘98 Civic fell off on the highway, I gave it a loving pat on the back and just walked away. This philosophy works for everything. I don’t even consider buying new undies till the leg bands snap and the leg holes join the crotch hole to form one big skirt hole. My last pair disintegrated to the point that the entire thing ended up in the dryer’s lint trap.
Foraging and/or stealing.
Stuff is everywhere, so why buy when her friend’s boyfriend is crazy rich? Like, he works construction! I could swipe a pair from his dresser, and if my thread count estimates are correct, I’ll get a solid decade out of those classy skivvies for sure!
Going commando.
After its disintegration into the lint trap, I wore the surviving waistband like an underwear belt till I built up the courage to go full commando. So when my mom bought me this current pair four years ago, it was nice to have a second option.
Wash them often. We’re talkin’ once a week!
Look, I wouldn’t have landed a wife if our first sexual encounters involved underwear with more than a week of consecutive wears. Pick a generic color like gray, so she thinks you have a multipack of the same color. Once she inevitably sees that you only have the one pair, her love for you will hopefully outweigh her disgust in you.
Only buy something if it’ll actually save your life.
She was right about buying disinfectant and a bandage after I got bit by a squirrel after giving it the finger. Doc said that staph infection would’ve ended me for sure. Is old underwear somehow life-threatening too? I have absolutely no idea what is or isn’t fatal. I’d ask her but she’ll probably just say it’ll kill me so I’ll have to buy a new pair. Ugh! Her consumerism knows no bounds!