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Just Because I’m Not the Merch Guy Doesn’t Mean You Can’t Try My Delicious Homemade Honey

Mmmm, where do you think you’re going? I see you pollinating my sweet golden honey with your eyeballs. Sure, you could buy a Porcelain Innards hoodie. They’re on stage now, right? Looks like they have a new album out, too. Yeah, they’re great. SUPER friendly. Didn’t make a peep when I set up next to their merch table. What? No, I’m not the merch guy. Well, what does that matter?! You can still try my delicious honey. Wait up!

Now, let’s get down to beeswax. Ha! That’s just my fun way of saying “business” that puts customers like you at ease. See? I could be a merch guy. Now eat my honey of unknown origin!

What’s it going to take to get my shimmering golden goo on that honeyless pink tongue of yours? I have tiny tasting strips I made from these flyers I found on the merch/honey table. The band doesn’t need ALL of them. Sure, you could spend your merch dollars on Porcelain Innards’ new split EP with Penetrating Chest Trauma, but it won’t taste nearly as exquisite as the mysterious sugary secretions you see before you. See, this is DIY honey. I made it in a basement. Super punk, right? Whereas I bet this split EP was made in some fancy, pretentious attic.

Alright, so how many jars will you be buying? May as well buy them all, and quickly. Who knows how long any of us has on this big blue marble, am I right? And based on the members of Porcelain Innards currently directing security my way, we don’t have a lot of time to finish this deal either.