AUSTIN — Media personality and podcast tycoon Joe Rogan tested positive for the coronavirus today, and urged his followers that, in lieu of flowers, they send videos of a tiger fighting a wolf.
“Please, fans, don’t worry about me. I have to ask that everyone resist the urge to mail me any Edible Arrangements, balloons, or flowers, and just videos of giant, crazy super predators fighting to the death,” Rogan said, to his fans and followers via Twitter. “I want to heal my mind and my brain first and foremost, and the only way to recover from within is to watch something badass like that. It gets me equal parts pumped and gives me a ton of good ideas for the next time I might have to move 580 pounds of body weight off of me at any given time.”
Rogan expanded on how this has affected his outlook of the vaccine and his career going forward.
“I’m glad I didn’t get vaccinated, because DMT trips when you’re sick hit so much harder, and plus, I’m not gonna take advice from any President who doesn’t have at least a green belt in Jiu-Jitsu,” Rogan said. ”I think for my next guest on the pod I’m going to have this bright light at the end of that tunnel I keep seeing. I wanna find out if it smokes or not.”
“Hey Jamie, can you pull up what heaven looks like?” he added.
At press time, Rogan insisted that if he were to unfortunately pass, that all his assets be awarded to whoever posted that “sick vid of an Orca ripping it’s trainer’s face off.”