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We Taste-Tested These White Wines and Now We’re Better Than You

Power to the people! ACAB! Eat the rich! That’s what we would have told you 30 minutes ago, but we just taste-tested some white wines and now we’re plain ol’ better than you. Lick our boots, peon, while we indulge in a smorgasbord of the finest whites this Sheetz has to offer.

There is perhaps no greater sign of sophistication in modern society than an appreciation for white wine. But how do you know if you’re drinking the rankest cat piss they can legally bottle, or a fine, crisp beverage suitable for a day punting on the Thames? In the interest of both culture and science, we taste-tested the following white wines to find out, but all we discovered was that we’re better than you.

Sheetz Les Belles Vignes Sauvignon Blanc: At first, we were like, “What’s the cheapest with the highest alcohol content?” After finding a $5 bottle that was 26% that changed to, “Sheetz made a fucking wine?” But after a few sips, we felt something… enlightening. It’s making us want to use terms like “bright” and “oaky” but mostly we’re just wondering why we devalue ourselves by hanging out with you. No offense, but now you seem a bit callow and homespun.

Cupcake Pinot Grigio: When we got this bottle, the cupcake seemed cute and reminded us to pick up some Hostess Sno Balls in the next aisle over. Now that we’ve had a few glasses, we see how jejune it is to select one’s refreshment based on a cartoon label. It’s the kind of thing we’d expect from you, frankly. Fortunately, this wine-tasting has helped us to learn that it’s a perfectly fine thing to accept the flaws of one’s social inferiors and even tolerate their company for short periods of time.

Lisboa Vinho Verde: Ah, Lisbon. Have you ever been? Oh, you simply must. Actually, no. You should probably stay at home with your Oreos and your PlayStations. That would suit you. Leave us to our memories of the Lisboetas dancing in the square.

Weinhenst Riesling: The simple refreshing pleasure of the humble Riesling, gentlest and warmest of the dessert wines. We’d love to teach you more about it, but we have these tickets to “Die Fledermaus” at the Met and must be on our way. Hand us our top hats, would you? Make haste, and there may be a shiny farthing in it for you!

Agro de Pezeren Bazán Verdequito Albariño (1997): You’ll never have even heard of this, you knave. Now get out of our way, lest we strike you with our walking sticks. To the opera! And more white wine! And fuck you!