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Uber Eats Forgot Your Drink? Here’s How to Front Load 20 Years of Repressed Rage Into This One Moment

When my Uber driver arrived at my home without the drink that I ordered to go with my meal, the drink I PAID for and 100% expected to be delivered, I became immediately irate. I balled my hands into fists, closed my eyes and started counting to ten. All of the sudden, it hit me: why am I letting this one little thing make me so angry, when I could just seize this opportunity and be mad at everything that has ever happened to me all at once?!

What I discovered was an entirely new way to approach self-care. I call it “lashing out.”

Yes, by channeling all of my deep-seated anger and resentment into this one incident, I have purged a lifetime of built-up toxicity from my body. By following this thought train, you can do the same!

Imagine a Coke bottle

I believe this image came to me because the item in question was in fact a Coke (my GODDAMN Coke!) I realized that I tend to shove all of my anger into a Coke bottle deep inside myself. It’s a perfect system! Now, to just allow the bottle to explode gloriously!

This is not the first time this has happened

They pulled this same shit 2 weeks ago. SAME RESTAURANT!

You have often been denied soda in your life

Our Mom would NEVER let us drink any soda! All we drank was juice! Well I HATE juice, Mom. Fuck you! I am an ADULT and I am supposed to be able to buy SODA whenever I GOD DAMN FEEL LIKE IT!!!

She also withheld love.

You don’t want a refund!

A REFUND doesn’t put soda in my mouth, which is what I paid for!

You never got to have it out with your old man
That piece of shit sold our dog for GAMBLING MONEY and kicking his ass now would mean NOTHING because he’s OLD and WEAK!

You never asked to be born!

OKAY?! I never even wanted to BE HERE in the FIRST PLACE! So, maybe if I want a SODA to help me cope with the pain of my own NON-CONSENSUAL EXISTENCE, I should fucking GET IT!

It’s supposed to WORK!
RIGHT?! Isn’t that the whole trade off of this technocratic Orwellian nightmare we fucking live in? That, at the very LEAST, when you order a cup of soda delivered to your home like a mouth-breathing ASSHOLE, you’re supposed to fucking GET IT?!

And that’s it! You are now ready to yell at your delivery person. Just be sure to pepper in a few muttered “I mean I know it’s not your fault”s between screamed obscenities, otherwise you’ll seem like some kind of psycho!