WASHINGTON — The White House has announced that Air Bud will lead talks with the Taliban because there’s nothing in the rulebook that says he can’t.
“We are proud to announce that Bud, a golden retriever mix who is also good at basketball, will be the U.S. representative to the Taliban,” said White House press secretary Jen Psaki. “While we realize this is an unorthodox choice, no single clause in the rulebook says that this dog can’t open negotiations with Taliban forces currently controlling Afghanistan, so no one can really tell us no. The current administration has full confidence in this dog, who can bounce a basketball very well with his nose, in establishing a lasting peace with Taliban leader Hibatullah Akhundzada.”
Political analyst Peter Swister was cautiously optimistic about the announcement.
“This is a radical move, but in times of emergency we have to do what we can. It may seem foolhardy to give negotiations with a longtime adversary like the Taliban to a dog whose greatest achievement thus far has been winning a middle school basketball tournament,” Swister said while pouring a highball of scotch and coke and drinking it without pause. “But, what’s the better idea? Do you have a better idea? C’mon, any idea?”
US attache Armin Beckman had conflicted feelings about the announcement.
“I’ve worked in Middle East relations for over 35 years and now they’re giving things over to a fucking dog?” Beckman said. “It’s an embarrassment to the decades of work that diplomats like myself have done in this area, unlike that dog who hasn’t done anything but lick himself in… that area. Since 1921, people like myself have been working to ensure the safety of Afghanistan. Bud hasn’t done a damn thing other than learn how to shake, and he doesn’t even do that every time, especially not when you try to take a video of it. Things are an absolute mess. The Taliban controls everything, ISIS-K is moving in, the fucking Russians are probably going to hamstring us. But a dog, c’mon. What the fuck?”
As of press time, Air Bud had authorized drone strikes on targets in central Kabul after accidentally dropping his ropey bone on an inkwell next to a pile of executive orders.