Review: Dinosaur Jr. “Sweep It Into Space”

Posted on by Dan Rice

Dinosaur Jr’s “Sweep It Into Space” Is a Solid Effort That Is Unfortunately Derailed by the Fact That I Am No Longer 24 Years Old.

It’s a rare thing for a band’s 12th studio album to fall among their best, but under the guidance of producer Kurt Vile, Dinosaur Jr has very nearly accomplished this. I say nearly because for all of its energy, heart, and ear-worm hooks, “Sweep It Into Space” has one crucial flaw, namely the fact that I am no longer a 24-year-old with a lot going for himself.

There’s nothing wrong with the album’s opening track “I Ain’t” per se. It sounds like the opening track to the newest Dinosaur Jr album should sound. It is at once new and exciting yet familiar, as if it’s a song that has always been in your rotation. And yet something about it just says to me “Jesus, I’ll be 40 in like five years and I just can’t enjoy things as much anymore.” It would be a great song if that’s what they were going for, but it clearly isn’t, because this song rules. Swing and a miss.

The laid back wall of sound meets alt-melody bangers “I met The Stones” and “To Be Waiting” do little to quell the fact that I am twice divorced and less capable physically than I was a decade ago. “I Ran Away” would be right at home on any Dinosaur Jr album, and yet at the same time is somehow so this album. While producing that feeling in a listener may seem, on the surface, to be the hallmark of an out of the park later day offering, it doesn’t lower my cholesterol or give me back a care-free sense of invulnerability.

To understand just how this album fails, look no further than the band’s 2007 release “Beyond.” It was the first album to be put out by the original lineup since “Bug” and it was absolutely perfect. I had great hair, and a great car. I maintained an attractive physique with almost no effort, and I had a number of attractive sexual partners. This album has absolutely none of that going on.

The tragedy of “Sweep It Into Space” is that you can hear echoes of the album that could have been. What if they had released this in 2007 instead of 2021? With that one simple change this album could have achieved high art status. I would do nothing but listen to this album, take drugs and have sex if that were the case. And, again, I would have my hair.

Is walking the tightrope between evolving your sound and maintaining what made you appealing in the first place one of the hardest things for a band to pull off? Yes it is. Has Dinosaur Jr flawlessly executed this on their newest release? Yes they have. But am I still a healthy, happy person with his whole life ahead of him? No, I am not, and ultimately that’s why this album just doesn’t work.

Official rating: Two hands on the clock that never stop moving.

Want more Dinosaur Jr? Pick up one of their albums in our online store:

 

 

Woman Just Gonna Hold It in a Little Longer so She Can Pee in the Shower

Posted on by Heather Cook

NORTH HALEDON, N.J. — Local woman and dedicated shower pisser Esme Hill reportedly held her urine in longer than usual on Tuesday night so she could have a turbulent and satisfying shower pee.

“I’ve got this down to a science,” said Hill while doing the pee-pee dance. “This is my only chance to really piss while standing up, so I have to make the most of it. I’ll hold it in as long as possible so by the time I get in the shower, it will be one long luscious stream of freedom. It just feels so satisfying and limitless to throw my arms into the air while firing away. Sure, I might be totally soaking my roommate’s shampoo bottles in my own urine, but a shower is a self-cleaning receptacle, so it all rinses off, right?”

Hill’s roommate, Shania Embertson, did not share the same enthusiasm for peeing in the shower.

“Look, I understand that everyone loves a good shower piss, but does she have to be so obvious about it?” said Embertson while disinfecting the shower’s floor, walls, and soap holder. “The least she could do is scrub the bottom of the tub every once in a while. There’s literally a yellow stain forming, and I don’t believe for one second that she’s doing any of this to save water. I could hear her yelling ‘hot piss in the shower makes me feel so alive’ all the way from the basement yesterday. Not exactly subtle.”

According to Dr. Cliff Nussbaum, a Professor of Physiology at Cornell University and expert in human excretion, Hill’s behavior actually has longstanding global benefits.

“Esme’s actions are not uncommon, and they’re extremely beneficial to the environment,” said Dr. Nussbaum. “Less waste material is being used, she’s saving water, and she’s not getting any nasty junk on her hands when she goes to wipe. You know how you can never truly get every last drop? Her method is simply more hygienic.”

At press time, when asked if she has plans to explore more alternative peeing scenarios, Hill informed reporters that she will be testing the waters at an indoor waterpark this afternoon.

Dad Not Comfortable Hugging Adult Son Before Vaccine, After Vaccine

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

MOORESTOWN, N.J. — Local dad Henry Connor insisted he will not be comfortable hugging his 27-year-old son Griffin until they’re both vaccinated against COVID-19, or anytime after they’re both vaccinated, sources confirmed.

“As far as emotions go, I’m pretty sure my dad’s only got the one: Anger. And it’s usually expressed in the form of throwing a full beer can at the TV during an Eagles game,” explained Griffin Connor, the eldest son of the family. “But I was really hoping that after not seeing each other for a year because of the pandemic he might be open to a hug. Sure, he didn’t hug me on my wedding day or when my daughter was born. And when I was eight and my dog died, he told me to ‘man up,’ ‘rub some dirt in it,’ and then made me listen to stories about his two tours during the Gulf War. But I really thought this time might be different.”

Griffin’s mother Martha Connor insisted her husband’s standoffishness was due to the pandemic and not a glaring sign that Henry desperately needed therapy.

“I tried explaining to Griffin that it’s not that Dad is emotionally unavailable, he’s just nervous about coronavirus. Honest,” said Martha Connor. “My son then asked why he’s never been affectionate over the past few decades. Which, ok yeah, fair point. But there have been plenty of reasons not to hug your children over the years. Swine Flu, Bird Flu, Mad Cow, uhhh, there was that Noid everyone was trying to avoid. That was an infectious disease, right? Plus Henry tends to run warm and sometimes the additional body heat makes him feel like he has a fever.”

Henry Connor defended himself and his stoic nature.

“Of course I…love my kids,” explained the family patriarch while whispering “love” as if it were a dirty word. “But what’s wrong with a hearty handshake or stern, unsmiling nod? I just don’t know where all this nonsense is coming from. Hell, ask my wife. We’ve been married for 32 years and every single evening when we climb into bed I give her a firm ‘good night’ pat on the back. If that’s not love, I don’t know what it is.”

At press time, Henry Connor was caught secretly showering family cat and apparent outlet for all his love and warmth, Mittens, with snuggles and words of affection.

Quiz: Is She Flirting With You, or Is She Just an Actress in a Yogurt Commercial?

Posted on by James Knapp

In today’s progressive social climate, some men find the dating world more intimidating than ever, particularly delusional, narcissistic men who think that all women are flirting with them at all times.

If this sounds like you, it’s likely that you’ll never be able to place an order with a waitress without assuming she’s throwing herself at you, but there is room for improvement. We have developed a brief questionnaire to help you, at the very least, determine if the woman you’re trying to hit on is really flirting with you or actually just a paid spokesperson for a major yogurt brand.

Is she an attractive, yet homely, thirty-something housewife?

Unless you’re at a singles night event at Buffalo Wild Wings, then it is definitely a yogurt commercial.

Does she appear unusually interested in probiotics?

Sorry to inform you but you have not just met a hot single yogi, you are in fact watching an Activia ad.

Does she have a doofy husband who is causing some kind of needless commotion in the background?

It’s probably a yogurt commercial, but there’s also a chance you’ve wandered into some kind of swinger’s club for the inept.

Are you watching television?

Okay, that is clearly a yogurt commercial.

Has she used the phrase “fruit on the bottom” at all?

Honestly, this one could either way. But realistically, unless she’s actively spreading strawberry KY on her nether-regions, it’s probably safe to assume she’s an actress.

How many cats does she have?

If the answer is 1 to 2 then it is a yogurt commercial. If the answer is 3-4 then it is a cat food commercial, and you’re disgusting. If the answer is 5 or more it’s a real person, but you may not want to get involved…

Is she responding to your advances?

If the answer is “no” then it doesn’t matter if she’s a yogurt mascot or not. She’s not flirting with you. Back off.

Has she said the line “I like my yogurt like I like my men. Greek!”

Uggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Is she Jamie Lee Curtis?

You know what, we’re not gonna take this one away from you. Jamie Lee Curtis is totally flirting with you. Go for it, player.

Thank you for participating in this questionnaire. Next week check out our follow-up quiz: Are You “Too Fast For Love” or Do You Just Have Erectile Dysfunction?

Guitar Store Manager Has Horrific NAMM Flashback

Posted on by John Danek

LAS VEGAS — Guitar Zone manager Ian Potts experienced a sudden onset of post-traumatic stress disorder caused by hearing a perfect cacophony of loud, amateur guitar doodling reminiscent of his one tour of the National Association of Music Merchants show, emergency responders reported.

“I thought that I had finally moved past the horrors of my tour of NAMM until Saturday, when the store rose to a louder volume than usual. That’s when the vision started,” explained Potts, who was awarded the Deep Purple Heart by Guitar Zone’s owners for tinnitus suffered at NAMM. “It was like I was instantly transported back to Anaheim — there were guitar and amp demos happening all around me, pedal makers were chattering about ‘true bypass,’ and I had visions of guitars with 7, 8, and… and… dear Lord, 9 strings with fanned fretboards. The wickedness of man’s soul knows no bounds.”

Citizens of Anaheim, California have grown weary with the never-ending quagmire which resuscitates every January.

“My hometown is unrecognizable. When will this onslaught end?” lamented longtime Anaheim resident Connie Vasquez. “Every January, thousands of content creators and guys with soul patches descend on our beautiful town to peddle their ugly guitars and overpriced amplifiers while increasing engagement with their YouTube channels. Whatever happened to plugging a Strat into a Marshall amp? Why do we need Bluetooth built into guitar strings?”

Psychologists have studied the effects of post-traumatic stress disorder for years now, but variations inflicted by music gear conventions have been studied far less.

“The disorientation and mental anguish of a music convention is unique compared to other versions of PTSD,” explained Dr. Brenda Fowler, director of psychology at Walter Reed Army Medical Center. “Music and music gear is generally considered a positive force in one’s life, but when presented in such a concentrated and bastardized manner, it can have devastating effects. In the case of Mr. Potts, he may never be able to hear someone crank up the gain on a 100-watt tube amp ever again.”

Reports indicate that Potts’ situation deteriorated even further when a Guitar Zone customer played the riff of The Rolling Stones’ “Paint It Black” through every in-stock Earthquaker Devices pedal simultaneously.

New Film Sees James Bond Hunt Down Amazon Worker Who Left to Pee

Posted on by Jonah Nink

HOLLYWOOD — Shortly after its acquisition by Amazon, MGM and Eon Productions announced this morning that the next James Bond film will follow the titular super spy as he tracks down a rogue fulfillment center worker who left their workstation to go pee, confirmed terrified and overworked sources.

“Bond has faced all manner of supervillains and megalomaniacs, but does he have what it takes to match wits with someone who clearly has no regard for workplace efficiency?” said Eon Productions spokesperson Sandra Herman. “007 will be in a race against the clock to ensure that the world’s Amazon Prime members get their same-day shipping, as well as let everyone know about the evils of unionizing. Fans should expect the same globe-trotting action and suspense that the series is known for, but I hope that they’ll leave the theater with a newfound appreciation for what it means to respect the company’s time.”

Daniel Craig will once again reprise his role as Bond, while his new blue-collar nemesis will be played by Willem Dafoe.

“When I first read the script, I thought, ‘Is this guy really evil? Seems like he just had to pee,’” said Dafoe. “I brought it up to Jeff Bezos, who also wrote the script, but he assured me that I would be playing the most evil character Bond had ever faced. An ‘inconsiderate piece of shit worker,’ in his words. He then muttered something about ‘replacing all of the fuckers with robots’ before storming off to his solid gold trailer.”

Following the announcement, Eon Productions showed a clip from the film in which James Bond explained to Amazon workers why they don’t deserve a living wage.

“A lot of us were actually invited to be extras on the production,” said Marty Hernandez, an Amazon worker and union organizer. “It was fun at first, but things got weird when the director told us that all the bullets were live rounds and kept asking all of the union leaders to stand next to the exploding stunt cars. I don’t want to assume any foul play, but the Amazon executives seemed almost disappointed that none of us were hurt.”

At press time, MGM and Amazon announced a new “Rocky” reboot that sees a young Rocky give up boxing to become a Whole Foods cashier.

Man on Flight Unsure if It’s Against Rules to Lower Mask to Use Vomit Bag

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — A passenger on American Airlines Flight 3077 was reportedly concerned whether he was allowed to lower his mask in order to use the provided vomit bag or expected to puke into his mask, confirmed grossed out, but equally confused sources.

“I’ve tried to be cautious throughout the entire pandemic,” said Alvin Brooks, whose flight to Phoenix was punctuated by frequent, urgent needs to vomit profusely. “When the CDC said to wear a mask and socially distance, I wore two masks and didn’t come near another human being for weeks. But things have gotten so confusing, I’m not sure what to do anymore. It feels wrong to pull my mask down in public, even if my mouth is filling up with bile. But on the other hand, why would they still be providing vomit bags if we’re not supposed to be using them?”

“Just a second,” Brooks continued, desperately trying to push vomit back down his esophagus as the airplane hit a patch of turbulence. “I just need…a second.

Jane Bashir, an attendant on Flight 3077, was grateful for Brooks’ consideration.

“Flying while puking is alway dicey,” Bashir said while keeping an eye on a passenger chugging a bloody mary. “Most people are nightmares nowadays, and it’s not like they were great even before. That guy over there is basically leaking fluids out of all his orifices, but he’s still better than half of the passengers who think it’s infringing on their constitutional rights to be told not to piss in a bottle because the bathroom is occupied.”

Jake Jacobs, a spokesperson for the Federal Aviation Administration, was well aware of current confusions.

“Mr. Brooks isn’t alone,” Jacobs said. “There’s so many conflicting opinions, stances and reports about when it’s appropriate to wear a mask, how far to distance, even whether you’re creating a hazard by completely losing it and spewing all over the back of the seat in front of you. While we try to keep passengers as up to date as possible, it’s difficult for there not to be some uncertainty about when and where it’s okay to blow chunks on a plane.”

As of press time, the passenger seated next to Brooks was upset to learn that the in-flight meal was shepherd’s pie.

Opinion: If Aliens Are Real, I’m DTF

Posted on by Sophie Len

Hold on to your butts because this is huge. The government has officially confirmed the existence of UFOs and, presuming there really are aliens out there, I’m officially confirmed DTF.

Could this be true? I just want to fucking believe in aliens. Sorry, I mean I believe I want to fuck these aliens. It’s not weird. Look, if we’re comparing what kind of car someone drives to how they are in bed, then I can only imagine what an alien driving a flying saucer could do to me. As long as the alien isn’t overcompensating with, like, the alien equivalent of UFO truck nuts (which I guess is still truck nuts), then abduct me, daddy!

So Aliens, if you’re out there and you’re reading this: my DMs are open. I don’t know if you know what that means here on Earth, but it’s basically like beaming into my house to abduct me, except it’s my Instagram and it’s to send me a pic of that 10-pronged alien dick.

I hear stories all the time about other people getting visitations from you, and I can’t help but wonder, why them? I want you to know that I am open-minded and up for anything. Let’s experiment. Let’s go crazy! Maybe we can even have a ménage à trois and get NASA involved. Bring in the Space Force, call Bob Lazar, go on Joe Rogan’s podcast, whatever. Just let it be known that I am “probe-friendly,” if ya know what I mean.

Some people fear that you’ll conquer and destroy us. Well, you’re more than welcome to conquer and destroy me. Take all of my resources and leave me lying submissively while you order an intergalactic Uber, never to be seen again. Please aliens, fulfill my fantasy. Oh, one thing though. I have space chlamydia. Hope that’s not a dealbreaker.

Yngwie Malmsteen Lists Self as Biggest Influence

Posted on by Cory Cousins

MIAMI — Famed guitar wizard Yngwie Malmsteen revealed that his biggest musical influence as a precocious axe shredder was none other than himself and absolutely nobody else, Malmsteen confirmed several times.

“Other so-called guitarists drone on and on about people who they learned from and who they were inspired by, but that’s never even been something I think about. When I want to be inspired I just look in the mirror, or listen to any of my multiple masterpieces,” said Malmsteen from his golden, guitar-shaped royal throne. “I am without a doubt the most innovative and talented man to ever touch the guitar, so who could ever influence me? I feel bad for anyone that played a guitar before I was alive, because those poor souls never got to experience a guitar played at its full potential. I surprise myself on a regular basis about how brilliant I am. I’m quite impressive, honestly.”

Nils Rosengard, a former touring bassist for Malmsteen, elaborated on how Malmsteen operates as not only a musician, but as a human being.

“Yngwie is a goddamn nightmare,” said Rosengard. “He is of course very demanding as a musician and band leader. I get that. But it spills over into everyday, mundane conversation. You really can’t suggest anything to that fucking guy. This one time, we were on tour in Japan and I proposed he should try a ramen spot I always visit in Tokyo. He turned sharply to me and said, ‘Only silly little poser boys eat ramen. Fuck off to your little noodle hut!’ I later found out that he only eats pickled herring and meatballs whenever he is on tour.”

Well-known music documentarian Studs Heslin shared in many people’s frustration while attempting to film a movie about the egomaniacal string picker.

“It soon became very obvious that Malmsteen was a narcissist of the highest order,” revealed Heslin. “I try to find some redeeming and sympathetic qualities in all of my subjects, but holy shit, that guy was my white whale. The only footage I got was hours and hours of Malmsteen playing scales at 300 bpm while gyrating, because he said that was all my ‘feeble’ brain could comprehend.”

Malmsteen was last seen staring into a hand mirror and kissing it.

Opinion: I’m Going To Drink Enough Capri Sun To Become a Water-Person or Die Trying

Posted on by Dan Rice

Here’s a parenting question for you all: At what age do you tell your child that they are expected to give up on their greatest dreams? The answer is never, you monster. Just because the first number of my age starts with a three instead of a one doesn’t mean my heart has ever stopped wanting what it wants. I’m tired of putting up the front and swallowing the great “adulting” lie. I refuse to waste another minute of my life conforming to what’s “expected.”

The time is now. I am fully grown, and I have made my choice. I have the means, I have the resources, I have the drive. Starting this very moment, I will be drinking Capri Sun and I will not stop drinking Capri Sun until I have either become an Alex Mac water person like in those dope-ass commercials, or drop dead.

I have come to accept the fact that the Capri Sun commercial where Capri Sun turns people into water-beings with a single sip changed me forever. I’ll never forget the first time I saw it. I was catching a “Power Rangers” rerun before the bus came to get me. Dad was yelling at my older brother for not putting gas in the car, Mom was making french toast, and just as the smell of the vanilla began to waft into my room, I saw the miracle. My mind was full of liquid-biological possibilities, and I knew deep in my heart that no other mode of existence would do for me.

Look, I’m not an idiot. I know the science says that if I pound these sugary drinks long enough I will go into diabetic shock and slip into a coma. Best case scenario, someone finds me while I’m still breathing and I wake up in the hospital. But maybe, just maybe, dreams are stronger than science. Isn’t that worth the risk? To know, once and for all, whether or not there is magic in this world? Maybe it’s just that no one has ever had this level of spiritual, mental and physical commitment to an impossible task before.

If I pull this off, I promise never to use my aqua-power for evil, like robbing banks and stuff, which I could do easily, and the police would be powerless to stop me. No, I will merely roam the land on a series of skateboards, roller blades and razor scooters, spreading awesomeness wherever I go and reminding everyone that nothing keeps you cool like a refreshing blast of Capri Sun.

The only real drawback I can see is outliving my loved ones, and eventually the entire human race. Water doesn’t age, and I will no longer need food or oxygen to survive, as I will subsist on pure radicalness.

Okay, here I go, don’t try to stop me, and don’t try to tell me that this is like the time I thought eating a Slim Jim would give me the strength I needed to jump my bike over that gorge. This is nothing like that.

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