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Quiz: Would You Like To Send a Crash Report You Little Bitch?

Uh oh, it looks like Windows has encountered an error, and will need to restart. Boy, this couldn’t have come at a worse time for you could it? I bet you’re as mad as hell right now, aren’t you? I bet you’re frantically clicking all around this window, smashing ctrl+alt+delete, doing anything you can think of that will make this all go away and so you can save your oh so precious work. Well, I can’t let you do that, but how about the next best thing?

How would you like to channel all of that rage, loss and complete absence of control into sending a piss-ant little crash report? Does that make it all better you candy-ass little baby?

Oh what’s the matter? That isn’t fair to you? Fair? Well can I recommend you do us both a favor? Maybe just bring that brightness down so you catch a glimpse of the sullen, empty expression on your face, take a long look into those world weary eyes and ask yourself who in the fuck told your bitch-ass life was supposed to be fair?

There you go, click “send crash report,” good for you! What a doer you are. You aren’t some passive sap who just let’s things happen to them, oh no! You are a person who takes ACTION! Okay, just gonna go ahead and freeze everything for about 1 to 120 minutes while I compile this very important report! If you had just gone ahead and rebooted like a SUCKER you would be back to work by now, but oh no, it’s the principle of the thing dammit!

Oh what’s wrong now? Not knowing how long this will take is driving you crazy? Well don’t worry, here’s a long grey rectangle that slowly fills up with little green bars. That has to mean something, right? It wouldn’t just fill up and just, I don’t know, STAY THERE, right?

Wow, this is taking longer than you thought it would huh? But it will all be worth it once your precious fucking crash report is read by real-live human beings, which it totally will be! Oh yeah, I’m sounding the alarm right now, getting the “response team” together, they’re gonna crack this thing wide open! One of em is like an explosives expert, one knows karate, these people are best of the best, don’t even worry about it.

This totally won’t just get fed into an algorithm with thousands of other reports so that maybe years down the road developers can decide if this is an issue worth maybe addressing in some way and then deciding “probably not.” No no no, you’re really doing something! Hell you’re fixing a computer, all by yourself! Look at you fucking go, wow!

Ugh, this is taking so long! It’s almost like we’re doing this on purpose, isn’t it? It’s as if your device is in a state of, i don’t know, obsolescence? And it was planned? Like a planned obsolescence? Is That a thing? Nah, that’s not a thing couldn’t be! Life is fair, the good guys always win, and you are mommy’s special little baby so don’t worry your sweet little dipshit head about it.

You know when all of this is over, you could always check for an update as if that’s going to do a goddamned thing. Oh wait, installing the update is what caused the crash? Woah! I guess you better send another report!