Kyle Gordon Stanley, Author at HARDTIMES

Why the 1st Rule of Fight Club Should Actually Be: “Have Fun”

Posted on June 9, 2021 by Parker Newman

The term “toxic masculinity” gets tossed around pretty casually these days but, for good reason. We are living in a society where men have to bottle their emotions to the point where the only release available is beating each other up in a dive bar’s basement. As therapeutic as that can be, what good is it if you can’t share your experience with other emasculated men trapped in an endless cycle of violence?

Did you know that if you mix equal parts shirtless men, orange juice concentrate, and fun into a basement, you can make friends? Well, I do, and I’m getting a little tired of not talking about it.

I get that no one wants Fight Club to go mainstream, but no talking about it? At all? I just don’t see why “Don’t talk about Fight Club” is the number one rule. After all, it is the second rule of Fight Club as well, and it is just a bit redundant. Not only that, but we are also not talking about Project Mayhem. I’m just scared that I am going to have almost nothing to talk about at this rate. I mean, isn’t keeping our emotions bottled up kind of why we all joined Fight Club in the first place?

Another concern I have: we are creating a really unhealthy environment. Unfortunately, we live in a culture where Fight Club is all about winning, instead of just being active and having fun moving our bodies. Diet culture and capitalism have made it almost impossible to enjoy the rush of punching someone to the point where they are unrecognizable. Now it is only a competitive environment where everyone is trying to always out-perform each other.

Hustle culture is to blame, when you get right down to it. When Tyler Durden started this, he didn’t even fight other people. Probably because he knew that hitting other guys would only cause people to one-up each other. Sure, Fight Club can get a little out of hand here and there, but at the end of the day, “His name is Robert Paulson,” and we should try our best to remember that.

Fight Club isn’t just about half-naked brawls or domestic terrorism. It is about doing both of those things, while having fun. Call it whatever you want, but to me it will always be Fun Club first and foremost.

Local Creep in Limited Capacity Venue Somehow Still Just Needs to Squeeze by You Lovely Ladies Real Quick

Posted on June 9, 2021 by Krissy Howard

RIDGEWOOD, N.Y. — Local creep Lance Weems narrowly squeezed past two women at a limited capacity venue last night despite having plenty of walking room to go around them, confirmed sources who want to have a word with this guy.

“First show since the shutdown last year, and already some creep in a pageboy hat has his hand on my hip while he squeezes by me and avoids eye contact like his life depends on it,” said Brooklyn resident Natalia Guerra. “I’ve kind of come to expect these things, but this place is fucking mostly empty — there’s like, 12 people here. But I guess if the most direct route to the bathroom is between two women standing six feet apart and not any of the 30 square feet of empty space around them, then so be it. I think I don’t actually miss shows.”

Additional attendees who found themselves in close proximity to Weems despite not needing to be whatsoever reported similar experiences.

“Doors had been open two minutes when this guy came up to the bar to order a drink. When I asked him what I could get him, he just said, ‘Surprise me,’ so I knew this situation was gonna be irritating, at best,” recalled bartender on duty Audra Moser. “When I handed him his watered down rum and root beer, he kinda pulled me in so he could ask me what he owed me right in my ear. I could see if this was a slammed Friday night two years ago, but I could hear the couple by the pinball machine across the venue talking about remembering to pick up cat food on the way home. How are we deciding who makes the 33% cut, anway?”

Despite overwhelming criticism from essentially every person who’s ever crossed paths with him, Weems defended his moves.

“I think all women are strong, beautiful goddesses, and I do my part to show them how much I appreciate them by standing as close to them as humanly possible for as long as they’ll allow it and admiring their tattoos with my hands,” he explained. “Plus, these girls are my scene sisters, so sometimes I feel like it’s my duty to protect them… which is why I keep such a close eye on, and physical proximity to, any of the ones who look in my direction for one second.”

“If that’s wrong, which I’m told it is often, then I don’t wanna be right,” he added. “I’m just not like other guys, I guess.”

Weems was later seen calling every woman who didn’t accept his offer to walk them home a “bitch.”

No One’s Leaving This Venue Until This Audience Figures out How to Clap in 5/4 Time

Posted on June 8, 2021 by Patrick Coyne

Everybody just be cool, okay?! The doors are locked and chained from the outside, and nobody is leaving this blackbox venue until you all get your shit together and successfully clap on a 5/4 time signature. We gave you several opportunities to figure it out earlier in the set, but clearly we need to implement some gun-toting tough love to get everyone on tempo.

If it helps, I came up with a mnemonic device: 5/4 is just five quarter beats. And right now I have an Ak 5 assault rifle locked, loaded, and pointed in your goddamn faces. See? It’s easy. Just clap along to the beat. Why are you crying? This isn’t one of our sad songs.

We’re not an unreasonable band. All we require is that you clap on every third quarter note for the entire 19-minute song. Do you know how hard it is to write a catchy song outside of 4/4 time? It’s about a million times harder than clapping along to a basic-ass beat, especially when you have a bullet in your head. Oh, you’re also gonna want to keep in mind that the breakdown around the 8 minute mark switches to 7/8 time signature. Do that too and you’re free to go.

But please, stop making this so hard on yourselves. It’s almost like you want me to hurt you or something. Okay, from the top. Everyone, keep the beat as if your life depends on it because it literally does.

Oh fuck, the cops are outside. And that pig on the megaphone is definitely going to throw off your rhythm. These cops just don’t care about the lives of the people they serve, huh?

All I ever wanted was an audience that understood odd time signatures. If it’s a crime to be a perfectionist who illegally procured an assault rifle to hold dozens of people hostage, then lock me up. Figuratively, obviously. This isn’t a confession. Stop recording this on your cell phones or I’ll shoot out the air conditioning unit. Actually wait, you think the cop’s have a metronome function on that megaphone?

Alright, let’s try this one more time. 1 and 2 and 3 and…

Goddammit, really?! I get that some of you are exhausted from fear but your timing is still shit. And you all keep speeding up. Ugh. Tell the cops to send in our ransom in the form of pizza and coffee. It’s gonna be a long night.

Meaning Behind New Tattoo Revealed to Be Decent Tax Return

Posted on June 8, 2021 by The Hard Times Staff

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Local tattoo enthusiast Ben Drury admitted that the meaning behind a large tattoo of a viking skeleton throwing a fireball currently being tattooed on his wrist and hand was nothing more than a large tax return, financial records confirmed.

“People always want you to have an involved story behind each and every tattoo, but all of my tattoos exist simply because I had expendable income,” said Drury while pretending a dry wipe of the tattoo didn’t feel like death was imminent. “I have a huge back piece of a snake fighting a bear and it’s not because I like snakes or bears. I can’t even see the tattoo, so I could care less what’s actually back there. I just wanted it to look badass, and I only have it because I got a $2,500 settlement when I was injured on a public bus. So all that tattoo means is simply: don’t ride the bus during a snowstorm.”

Art Freek tattoo artist Michaela Lussier said she has no interest in learning if there is a deeper meaning to the tattoos she does.

“I’m not part of a reality show where every tattoo needs a complex backstory that honors a person’s grandmother. Each tattoo I do means one thing and one thing only: I can continue to pay my rent and eat food for another day,” said Lussier. “When I first started tattooing, I cared a lot more than I do now. I wanted to understand my clients’ motivations. But you can only tattoo so many Bible verses before you realize that none of this actually matters, and that people only want tattoos to look cool and to talk about some boring story about when they had cancer or something.”

American tattoo historian Martin Dembly said that tattoos used to mean something at one point.

“Tattooing has been around for a long time, but in America, having a tattoo usually meant you were an outcast in society,” said Dembly. “A lot of servicemen disenchanted by war would get tattoos to commemorate their experience, and those tattoos made you part of a fraternity. Now, if you don’t have a tattoo you look like a crazy conservative cult member. 18-year-olds are basically required to get face tattoos to be taken seriously on Tik Tok.”

Providing further comment, Drury later admitted that the meaning behind his new eyebrow piercing was that he lost a bet.

I’m Choosing to Have a Premature Birth Because There’s No Way I’m Raising a Libra

Posted on June 8, 2021 by Rob Steinberg

As a Capricorn, there are few things I can’t stand as much as Libras. They are emotionally detached, self-pitying pacifists. The stars have chosen to make our personalities just not line up. When my doctor told me my next expecting child was due in Libra season, I panicked.

If my child grows up a Libra, that would entail an indecisive life. There’s no way I’m paying for multiple years of college just because they can’t decide on a major.

If I could, I’d keep my newest baby inside of me for an extra few weeks until they come out a Scorpio. A real one of course, none of that cusp bullshit. Scorpios and I have a long history of getting along. Supposedly you can’t keep babies from birthing that long, so I’ve decided to do the next best thing: give my child a premature birth.

My doctor advised against it, which is such a Taurus thing for her to say. However unlike a Libra, I actually fight for what I want, and that’s to avoid turning my child into one of those emotionally unavailable narcissists. I have since been looking into internet forums for any answers. The forums have given me great induced labor tips such as exercises, eating spicy foods, even just taking bumpy car rides in case it helps jostle them out.

This is my first baby, and I want nothing to go wrong. I love my baby and can’t think of a worse way to start out one’s life than knowing that you are fated to a “let’s get along with everybody” outlook. I only have a few months left before time’s up so I need to hurry.

If any of you readers have suggestions for how to rush a birth, please email me and let me know. We’re getting closer and closer to Libra season and all these dune buggy rides aren’t doing the trick.

Show Promoter Captions Picture of Himself Stealing Money from Band with “I Miss This”

Posted on June 8, 2021 by The Hard Times Staff

ALBANY, N.Y. — Local show promoter Steve “Froggy” Fordham recently posted a photo to Instagram that showed him pocketing cash stolen from a band he booked with the caption “I miss this,” confirmed sources who promise to “beat the shit out of Froggy” if they ever see him again.

“It’s been so long since I’ve been able to tell performers that they didn’t sell enough tickets to get a cut of the door, or the venue has some new rules about a revenue split on every piece of merch they sell,” said Fordham while watching videos of teenagers street fighting on his phone. “I want to get back to the days of paying bands in drink tickets, and letting them know I’m carrying a gun when they try to confront me over not getting paid. I’ll be able to feel normal again as soon as I get to leave a show during the headliner with all the money from the bar and box office stuffed in my pants as I ignore frantic texts from the bands.”

Local musician Amy Khatri plays in one of the many bands that Fordham has ripped off over the years.

“I’m shocked that this guy is still even around. The last time I thought of him was in 2019 when I heard he tried paying the guys in Cement Fist with an expired Applebee’s gift card and they absolutely beat the piss out of him,” said Khatri. “I guess he had time to recover thanks to the pandemic, and he’s back on his bullshit. I’ve tried telling everyone I know to not play any of his shows, but there is always a new band he’s ready to exploit.”

Live Nation CEO Michael Rapino believes that the urge to play shows will allow promoters to screw over bands at levels never before seen.

“Things were looking awful for us until the vaccine allowed us to start booking some larger fests,” said Rapino from one of his yachts. “But now the tide has turned. Just the other day I got a call from the Red Hot Chili Peppers asking if they could play Austin City Limits, and I said ‘Sure guys, I’d love to have you play, but I want Flea to come to my house and tell me that I’m way better than him at bass, and then I want all the other members of the band to eat a spoonful of dog shit.’ And you know what? They fucking did it. I love this job.”

At press time, former Victory Records founder Tony Brummel reportedly reached out to Fordham for tips on how to make a quick buck off of musicians.

$70,000 Pickup Truck Used To Move Box of Old Posters and a Chair

Posted on June 7, 2021 by James Knapp

MARLINTON, W.V. — Local truck owner John “John-Boy” Johnson recently employed his heavy duty 2020 GMC Sierra to move a friend’s old posters and a single dining table chair a grand total of six blocks, sources who are not as helpful as they think they are confirmed.

“My buddy Tommy [Fellenstah] mentioned to me last week that he was gonna be moving to a new apartment, and he didn’t even have to ask for my help. I just knew he was gonna need ‘Big Bertha’ here to haul all his gear to his new place,” explained Johnson while meticulously checking his vehicle’s windshield washer fluid levels. “This truck is by far the best investment I’ve ever made; much better than that jet ski that crashed into the mayor’s wife. Now I can always lend a helping hand, and there’s little to no chance that I’ll end up in maritime court.”

Fellenstah questioned how much the use of Johnson’s exorbitantly priced truck was actually helping.

“I mean, I probably could have just carried this crap by myself if I had to,” said Fellenstah of his worldly possessions which could easily fit inside a Toyota Camry, or in his lap while riding the bus. “I didn’t even ask to use [Johnson’s] truck, he just showed up to the move before I did. I’ll tell you this, though, after I helped him make bail during the jet ski incident last week I am definitely not buying him pizza and beer for moving that fucking chair.”

GMC sales rep Casey Stone gave her perspective on truck ownership and compulsory moving needs.

“It’s really not my place to judge why any satisfied customer feels the need to purchase one of our fine GMC full-size pickups,” said Stone while frantically trying to flag a supervisor. “With as versatile as these vehicles are, they are just as capable of leveling an above ground pool as they are at getting someone through a 20-minute commute to a data entry job that they hate. It really is up to the customer.”

At press time, Johnson was occupied bungee strapping the chair in place while Fellenstah decided that the unframed posters he’s had since 2003 could probably just be thrown away.

Facebook Thread About Antidepressants Getting Weirdly Competitive

Posted on June 7, 2021 by Yancy Lee Crawford

CINCINNATI — The comments section on a Facebook post about treatments for anxiety and depression caused by the solitude and stress of the Coronavirus pandemic quickly devolved into a complicated jockeying for position, members of the Facebook group MENtal Healthposting confirmed.

“I’ve been feeling lonely and sad since I started working from home. I did some meditation and virtual therapy, and I thought joining a Facebook group to talk through some of my issues would be a good idea,” said new MENtal Healthposting member DeMario Franklin. “I was wrong. The comments were just a bunch of dudes yelling about how my problems are nothing compared to the fact they can’t get hard when they take Effexor, or that Lexapro makes them scratch holes in their sweaters and eventually straight to their skin. I guess openly discussing mental health challenges is good, but reading the comments was like watching tryouts for the dysfunctional Olympics.”

Many commenters were quick to reply to Franklin’s first post with answers that were more hostile than helpful.

“It’s good that DeMario is seeking help. Really, that’s the first step,” said an agitated and sweaty Robert Wallis while working his seasonal affective disorder into comments on a Cincinnati Enquirer article about Bengals quarterback Joe Burrow. “I’d love to help the guy out, as long as I can mention the side effects of every drug I’ve ever taken and how existence is a struggle to maintain sanity and function within human society. I mean, some of the people in that group are still talking about Zoloft. Christ, I remember washing that down with formula when I was like eight months old. I take adult medications now, because I have real problems.”

Therapist and life coach Eric Pikowski believes conversations about mental health can become toxic when individuals adopt diagnoses and treatments as their personality.

“Some patients have no idea what a conversation that isn’t centered around their emotional needs sounds like,” said Dr. Pikowski. “It’s human nature — even in a space meant to be supportive — that members compete to identify the alpha, and the saddest dog is determined by games of tragic one-upmanship and combative storytelling. At the end, obstacles and embarrassing stories are tallied as points.”

Extremely committed to his self-improvement plan, Franklin also reportedly joined a gym under the naive assumption that other members were interested in supporting novice fitness seekers.

Opinion: If Biden Won’t Forgive My Student Debt He Can at Least Forgive My Acoustic Cover of “The Humpty Dance”

Posted on June 7, 2021 by Jonah Nink

Despite being a major campaign promise, student debt cancellation of any kind was noticeably absent from President Biden’s recently proposed $6 trillion national budget. The move was a shock to many young people still burdened by the ridiculously high cost of college. I however am fine with it… on one funkalicious condition

If Biden won’t forgive my student debt, he can at least forgive my ill-advised acoustic cover of Digital Underground’s “The Humpty Dance.”

My attempt to tribute the late Shock G backfired, and now everyone at the coffee shop open mic and about 30,000,000 Tik Tok users hate my guts. Surprise surprise, it turns out that singing lyrics like “Hey yo fat girl, come here–are ya ticklish?” to the tune of Bob Dylan’s “The Times They Are-a Changin” wasn’t the right call. It didn’t help that my version was about eleven minutes long either, including a few harmonica solos.

So I’m all in favor of letting my student loans bump me if it means clemency for my rap catastrophe. Living with debt is hard, sure, but being a walking counterargument to white hip-hop is harder. I mean ideally Biden would hold to his campaign promises, but sometimes words like “student debt forgiveness” and “looptid” just don’t mean anything.

President Biden, if you’re reading this, this is your chance to make right, just like The Humpty Dance is your chance to Hump, do the humpty hump. Student loan debt only lasts a lifetime. The Humpty Dance is forever. So grab life by the biscuits and give me a presidential pardon… preferably in the form of some kind of badge. It may not get rid of the cover but at least that way I can show it to people who make fun of me.

And if you’re someone who is actively calling out the democrats for walking back on their student loan debt promises, all I can say is this; stop whatcha doin’ because you’re about to ruin my one chance at rejoining society.

Band Can’t Afford to Re-record Track Where Frontman Freaks Outs on Guitarist

Posted on June 7, 2021 by Patrick Crooks

LOS ANGELES — A recording of The Dooley’s frontman Jason Delahunt screaming at his bandmates is slated to appear on the final cut of their new album due to lack of funds to re-record, recently chastised members of the band confirmed.

“I figured we should just probably get this out there now so we don’t have to answer a ton of questions about track five once the album is released,” remarked bassist Peter Higgins. “There was, for a lack of a better word, an incident, and Jason can be a bit passionate, so when our guitarist missed a note, Jason may have overreacted a bit — as you’ll hear for about seven minutes on the LP. Personally, I think we should have just cut the track, but Jason started screaming about how it’s ‘the only decent song on this piece of shit album’ and we had ‘hampered his vision enough already.’”

Producer Allen Kingston confirmed this version of events, which he described as “deeply unsettling.”

“I’ve dealt with some divas before, but I’ve never seen a frontman lose his shit like that,” the seasoned punk producer stated. “Jason just developed this twitch in his eye and slowly turned around and unleashed this torrent of verbal abuse on the poor guy. On top of that, he screamed at me to not stop recording because this was their last chance to get this track down since they were out of money, so I kept going. The rest of the band kept playing like nothing was going on, which was even more upsetting. I told my wife about it when I got home and we both decided it was time I take a vacation.”

Delahunt seemed nonplussed by the events and offered his own explanation as to what happened.

“What can I say? I’m an emotional guy and I just expect the best from my bandmates,” Delahunt said while watching his bandmates straighten up the wrecked studio. “I’m not going to apologize for wanting the album to be perfect, but I think people will really appreciate the finished product. What some may see as ‘abusive behavior’ I see as a free-form improvisational session that tears down the wall between the artist and his fans. This will give a new edge to the album and change the paradigm of punk music.”

At press time, Delahunt was cyber-bullying a journalist who gave the album a B- minus review.

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