Straight Man Weirdly Jealous of Lesbian

Posted on by Tiana Miller

NEW HOPE, Pa. — Local straight man Scott Stevenson was spotted acting weirdly jealous around lesbian woman and acquaintance at best, Samantha Rux, at a bar late yesterday evening, sources confirm.

“Sam was just visiting her girlfriend at work and this guy starts acting like a total freak, telling her if she dresses like ‘such a rocker,’ he hopes that she actually plays in a band before she started complaining about Marissa Paternoster for reasons I cannot comprehend,” said bar patron “Skeezy” Tommy Sumner. “I ripped a huge fart just to give her an excuse to get out of there — I mean me and Sam go way back, it was the least I could do. I couldn’t just stand there and watch this happen again. And who still calls punks ‘rockers?’”

Rux’s girlfriend, bartender Jean Silva, was slightly more patient with Stevenson’s bizarre show of behavior.

“Me and Sam have been dating on and off for four years and I’m not gonna lie, I still find it funny as fuck how dudes do this to her. She’s like the quietest person on earth. It’s sort of amazing. When she met my parents, my dad felt the need to drop how much he used to bench and his position in high school football like three seconds into their handshake,” she said. “I used to see it all the time in the dingier punk bars. It’s funny until some guy gets wasted and tries to deck her to prove something. I really don’t know what it is, but poor Sam gets it everywhere she goes.”

Stevenson was overheard desperately trying to appease his humiliated friends.

“What’s the big deal about this chick anyway? She’s in a band? Whoa, cool. So is my grandpa,” he lamented to no one in particular. “Quiz her on gear. Chicks know nothing about gear and then they recruit some sad sappy fucker like me to come in and waste all our precious time doing everything for them for free. It’s straight up unfair and legit sexist. I have a girlfriend, too.”

At press time, a visibly wasted and annoyed Stevenson was trying to convince the bar he had paid Rux’s bill in spite of the fact that she drinks there for free.

We Look Back at All of Our Past Failures Because We Just Spilled a Full Beer Goddammit What the Fuck

Posted on by Tim Nash

It’s been a good thirty-odd years of screw-ups, so now seems like as good a time as any to review them in inscrutable detail because I just spilled a full goddamn beer on my goddamn self at a crowded bar before even getting the goddamn chance to taste it.

Jesus Christ, fucking sixteen ounces of overpriced IPA absolutely everywhere, there’s no hiding this. All I wanted was to pretend to like it and show off my sophisticated palette like a goddamn asshole.

You know what, there’s some real comfort in knowing I’m the same idiot that I was when quarantine first began. I didn’t lose any social skills in isolation, because I have ALWAYS SUCKED. So if anything, I’m coming out of this thing breaking even.

This bar sucks, and I didn’t even want to go out tonight! It looks like someone put a Starbucks in the middle of a Home Depot with terrible lighting. They didn’t even finish building the bathrooms! I got dragged into this by the same assholes that convinced me to call in a bomb threat our senior year of high school to ruin the homecoming game. I mean, they couldn’t prove it, but my teachers knew. That’s how you end up at a shit-fuck safety school.

Goddammit now I’m gonna BLOW IT with that girl who was flirting with me. If there was any light in this place she’d probably think I peed myself. Is that less embarrassing? Would Billy Madison admit to spilling a beer? Probably not. Especially not one that cost nine dollars, what the hell was I thinking?

I can’t go buy another one so soon, or the bartender will know something’s up.

Ah fuck, it’s already soaked through my shoes, even my socks are wet. They’re going to be all squishy the rest of the goddamn night. Goddammit!

Of course, if I’d wanted to get into a good college I wouldn’t have gotten a C in Mrs. Boyce’s third grade math class. If I had to pinpoint a moment, that’s where things went off the rails. I really let her down. I couldn’t memorize the times tables, and here I am twenty goddamn years later, piss-soaked in IPA because I’m just a fucking asshole, aren’t I?

I better not get pulled over, because I’m going to smell like beer the whole drive home. Well fuck it, maybe I deserve to go to jail! I broke the TV when I was seven and I’m soaked to the bone in hop juice now because I DESERVE IT for being such an IDIOT!

I swear to God the only thing in my whole damned life I was good at was that sonofabitch anger management course.

Metal Band Offering Summer Internships to Medieval Studies Majors

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

PORTLAND, Ore. — Progressive metal band Knight Vision announced they are accepting applications from medieval studies majors for a summer internship offering practical application of their vast knowledge of feudalistic cultures and siege tactics.

“Our band is offering a unique opportunity for medieval studies majors that will prepare them for the future,” Knight Vision guitarist Anthony Santillini said while loudly combing his waist-length hair. “Our apprentices will begin each day by fact-checking lyrics for our upcoming concept album to make sure we don’t sing about a brave squire defeating his enemies with a mace when he really would’ve used a flail! After scribe duties, they’ll braid our hair, ensure the historical accuracy of our D&D miniature figurine collection, make dandelion mead, smoke turkey legs, find the best DIY hilt tutorials on YouTube, and load and unload our gear at every show.”

After seeing sponsored ads for the internship on Instagram and at the top of the Medieval Times menu, some students began rushing to get their documents in order.

“I always knew my knowledge of religious skirmishes and falconry would come in handy beyond the highly-specialized classes at my private university,” junior Willis Hamilton said while reworking their resume in a University of Portland dining hall. “I’ll finally get to understand serfdom by becoming one myself! I don’t know how to tune a guitar or what a pedalboard is, but I think my experience maintaining equestrian stables and encyclopedic knowledge of the silk routes will really make my application pop.”

Labor activist Jeffry Scott believes the internship is merely another example of the music industry exploiting vulnerable workers for profit.

“This labor theft — and that’s what I call it — is completely unethical,” said Scott. “Those interns could be providing real value to the economy writing ‘Game of Thrones’ wannabe spec scripts for AMC, searching for proof of ancient aliens in Gaelic texts for History channel, or making sad-looking salads in a coffee shop. Instead, they’ve been tricked into giving their expertise to big metal for free. Bands like Knight Vision will literally make hundreds of dollars on the backs of their interns and share nothing with the proletariat that made it possible.”

At press time, the band has eliminated multiple candidates as a result of their related experience with Norse mythology, citing fear that Amon Amarth would kick their ass for mentioning Odin even once.

Scrooge McDuck Has No Fucking Idea Where to Swim After Converting His Wealth to Bitcoin

Posted on by John Sevigne

DUCKBURG, Calisota — Multi-billionaire businessfowl Scrooge McDuck is questioning his decision to convert his wealth to cryptocurrency after realizing he would not be able to swim in digital coins, sources close to the vulture capitalist confirmed.

“I took my nine impossibidillion dollars and put it all into Bitcoin, and within days I had already made an additional five multiplujillion without doing a thing,” said McDuck while gazing longingly at an empty vault that once contained thousands of gold coins. “Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact I’m making money, but if I can’t swim around in my earnings and squirt coins out of my mouth like a fountain then none of this seems worth it. I want to show that son of a flightless bird Flintheart Glomgold that he’s always going to be number two, but it’s tougher when I’m just sending him screenshots of a digital wallet.”

McDuck’s nephew Louie Duck claimed he was the one that introduced his wealthy uncle to cryptocurrency.

“My uncle is a shrewd businessman but he always made his money the old fashioned way. When I explained to him how valuable Bitcoin could potentially be, his bill spun around his head three times and then his eyes turned into money symbols and started making a ‘cha ching’ sound,” said Duck while shopping for another green hat and shirt combo. “I’ve been working with Huey and Dewey to launch our own crypto, and having Uncle McDuck fully on board with digital currency could actually make this a reality. If this goes right, then we will finally be able to buy a pair of pants.”

Self-proclaimed cryptocurrency expert Tyler Samuelson said that the inability to flaunt digital wealth is one of the biggest drawbacks of Bitcoin.

“Scrooge McDuck is not alone in his desire to rub his immense wealth in the face of his rivals. Sure, you can buy a ton of NFTs for millions of dollars, but nobody gives a shit about glorified JPEG files,” said Samuelson. “The best thing McDuck can do with his digital fortune is anonymously spend it on the dark web to hire hackers and assassins to take out his enemies. It’s what Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos do every single day.”

At press time, McDuck reportedly reassigned his Money Bin security guard Gizmoduck to mine Bitcoin 24 hours a day.

I Seriously Doubt All of These Bathroom Graffiti Artists Fucked My Mom

Posted on by Janson Prieb

Alright, now I’m starting to get skeptical. I went in here to take a piss during this Battle of the Bands and, while the facilities were surprisingly adequate, I’m now faced with some of the most ridiculous claims I’ve ever read! Seriously, how am I supposed to believe each and every one of these bathroom graffiti artists fucked my mom? That just doesn’t sound like her.

Seriously? All of them??? I can see her banging the first one. He had great penmanship, which was something my mother found very important as I recall. But all 37?! Highly unlikely.

Okay, well let’s at least do the math. She was with my dad from the dawn of time until their divorce in 2016. And, sure, Mom said she was a bit of a free spirit upon discovering online dating after her divorce, but I seriously doubt all these men got to know Janice intimately enough to actually make it to the bedroom. I’m brimming with doubt. Hell, the phone number they have up there isn’t even hers. Silver lining, at least they collectively agree she’s a “good time.”

Perhaps there is foul play afoot. I mean, “I fucked your mom last night” and “Your mom came over last night” are nearly identical, which indicates that perhaps a copycat was at work here. “Tell ur mom I said hi.” Psh. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen that in a truck stop in Virginia, though the graffiti in that bathroom did make some compelling points about my sexuality.

Captain Planet Now a Paid Consultant for ExxonMobil

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

HOUSTON — Famed environmental superhero and holographic android Captain Planet announced he would be accepting a position as a paid consultant for multinational oil and gas giant ExxonMobil, much to the chagrin of Planeteers worldwide.

“My adventures with the Planeteers were some of the best days of my quasi-life,” said Captain Planet, clad in bespoke cashmere Stuart Hughes suit. “Fighting Verminous Skumm and urban decay, battling Hoggish Greedly, being thrust into existence by the combined power rings of five ethnically varied teens. These are all cherished memories. But I realize now that I can do more good by working with the fine people at ExxonMobile. Their commitment to responsible oil-drilling and respect for the environment has inspired me. I sincerely believe that I can use my superhuman powers, cheerful advice, and innate knowledge of the location of oil deposits to help them work for a safe, clean and profitable world.”

Ted O’Brien, Vice-President of Public Relations at ExxonMobil, was thrilled with the Captain’s new role.

“Oh fuck yeah, it’s great to have CP on board,” O’Brien confided over a variety of Macallan scotch whiskys. “He’s credibility with a fucking sea-green mullet. All we need to do is trot him out in front of the cameras to say ‘THE POWER IS YOURS’ and we’re good as gold. He’s getting a fucking seven-figure salary, and really all he needs to do is exist. And who can blame him? He spent years fixing the fuckups of a bunch of teens that got in over their heads every time they tried to clean up a goddamn garbage dump, and for what? Just to be poofed away like a genie when they were done.”

“Huh,” O’Brien continued. “Do you think Cap can create coke with his powers? I mean, it comes from the planet, right?”

Wheeler, a former Planeteer, was greatly discouraged by his hero’s choice to be employed by one of the world’s biggest polluters.

“Fuck Captain Planet,” Wheeler said while handing out Greenpeace pamphlets. “I used to look up to that guy. Literally. He can fly. But he’s just become another sellout bozo, sucking on that corporate teat for a buck. At least I’m out here still trying to make a real difference. I haven’t seen Linka or Kwame or Gi or Ma-ti in years, but I’m still saving the world, one pamphlet at a time. Suchi the monkey is dead. It turns out monkeys don’t live long if you feed them human food.”

As of press time, Captain Planet was instructing his secretary to not take any calls from Gaia, Spirit of the Earth.

5 Troubling Signs My Cat Doesn’t Actually Appreciate The Mighty Mighty Bosstones

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Studies show pets often take on the characteristics and habits of their owners. Okay, well if that’s true, then my cat Fruit Punch should appreciate the genius of The Mighty Mighty Bosstones a hell of a lot more. While Fruit Punch clearly respects the ska-punk pioneers, he just doesn’t seem to “get” The Bosstones like a true fan. I think he’s trying, but here are five troubling signs that my cat may not be the ska aficionado I was hoping he’d be when I adopted him and spray painted him checkered.

Fruit Punch Can’t Skank – It’s a habit of mine to play “The Impression That I Get” at least once an hour. The opening guitar riff that defined American third-wave ska, the brassy horns, Dickey Barrett’s raspy vocals; music simply doesn’t get better. But Fruit Punch refuses to dance! Sure, cat knees don’t exactly bend in a way that facilitates skanking, so he’s off the hook there. But this is certainly not a good sign.

Fruit Punch Absolutely Refuses to Acknowledge Ska’s Jamaican Roots – A lot of people talk to their pets, but I refuse to demean Fruit Punch with baby talk. No, when I talk to my cat, it’s to engage in an exploration of ska from its origins in Jamaica to its artistic apex in the Bosstones. But does Fruit Punch ever contribute a goddamn thing? No, he just licks his butt.

Fruit Punch Isn’t a Two-Tone Cat – He’s just a big-ass ginger. Maybe that shit flies in hardcore, but that’s not ska at all. Also, in 2019, I bought tickets to see The Bosstones. Front row center. Close enough to see sax player Johnny Vegas’ spit leak out of that righteous horn. I was so excited to take Fruit Punch, hoping the experience would get him closer to my level. And what did he do? Buried the tickets in his litter box and hissed when I got near it.

Fruit Punch Doesn’t Seem to like The Old Stuff – One of the strongest indications that Fruit Punch doesn’t appreciate The Bosstones was last week, when I started to play their seminal 1993 album “Don’t Know How to Party.” Well, I guess Fruit Punch only likes the hits because the second I played some of the old stuff, his eyes glowed red and the building began to shake. As soon as I took the record off the player, he went right back to chasing a fly.

Fruit Punch Likes Other Bands Way More – Before you go telling me that cats just aren’t that into specific bands, I know for a fact Fruit Punch is immune to that cat stereotype. For instance, Fruit Punch speaks to me in my dreams, murmuring in a guttural tone that The Specials are a superior band. At least, I think they’re dreams. Though once I woke to find a vintage copy of “Too Much Too Young – The Special A.K.A. Live!” EP on my pillow next to a dead mouse that was dressed exactly like the dancing guy.

In the end, I just have to accept that Fruit Punch might not ever really dig The Bosstones like I do. At least he’s better than my other cat, Baja Blast, who’s waaaaaay too into The Cherry Poppin’ Daddies.

Metalhead, Canadian Argue Viciously Over Cultural Origins of Denim Vests

Posted on by Nick Ortolani

SASKATOON — Violence nearly erupted following an argument between a local Canadian and a visiting metalhead over the cultural origins of the denim vest, moderately polite onlookers confirmed.

“These goddamn canucks ain’t got no respect for my culture!” spat Lester Tudduck, former lead singer of Detroit thrash outfit Premature Decapitation. “My parents immigrated to Michigan all the way from Tennessee to escape the country music regime with nothing but the jeans on their asses and the jeans on their backs. When times got rough, they ate the sleeves off their jean jackets, and the denim vest was born. The increased aerodynamics led to faster guitar playing and the foundation of metal. Then I hear this moose fucker sayin’ it should be the official garment of Saskatchewan. I didn’t even know they had modern clothes up here.”

Witnesses on the scene described the altercation as harrowing, and police were called when Tudduck used the D word.

“I just assumed he had a gun,” recounted Bianca Thompson, the generic Canadian in question. “All Americans get a gun when they graduate middle school, right? I can’t believe it escalated this far. Everyone knows denim tops are as Canadian as poutine or clocks with only ten numbers. You’ve heard of a Canadian tuxedo, right? Well a denim vest and jeans is Canadian morning dress. And what is this heavy metal, eh? Is that a new kind of rock and roll? We just got The Kinks up here, so we may be a bit behind. I’m not sure about those distorted guitars. They sound…rude.”

Royal Canadian Mounted Police are concerned with the uptick in altercations between Canadian citizens and American musical refugees.

“There’s been a surge of them hopping the border,” admitted RCMP Officer Lance LeChuck. “They’re drawn to our way of life, since it most resembles the American midwest in 1982. But as they come over they bring crime, violence, most of them don’t even speak the language. We’d consider them asylum seekers, but we’re not sure from what. I tried to bring this up to my superior officer, but he’s a literal horse.”

At press time, Tudduck was refusing to field questions regarding his dreadlocks.

Roommate Subtly, Ominously Sniffs Finger Before Grabbing Fistful From Popcorn Bowl

Posted on by John Danek

DENVER — Local man Ian Vernor horrified his roommates yesterday by inauspiciously sniffing his pointer and middle fingers, recoiling in muted disgust, then thrusting his hand into a communal bowl of popcorn, sickened roommates reported.

“I know Ian thought I wouldn’t notice, but I saw the quick raise of the hand just in front of his upper lip,” recounted roommate Danny Alvarez, who regularly douses communal areas of the apartment with Lysol. “He jerked his head back slightly, blinked a few times in rapid succession, and then made a sound like he had just been punched in the stomach — that finger has explored truly demonic regions. But before I could rip the bowl away, he was wrist-deep in popcorn I just microwaved. To make matters worse, he licked the finger after the first grab. If it weren’t for Coronavirus, I would’ve moved out months ago.”

Vernor has long terrorized those around him with his oblivious, revolting habits.

“I live with a bunch of Type-A germaphobe wackos who think if you drop raw chicken on the floor, you’ll die if you don’t clean it. So what if I sniff my finger? Just because it kinda stinks doesn’t mean it’s like, dirty,” declared Vernor while breathing loudly and fervently through his mouth. “One of them even had a ‘serious’ talk with me about adjusting my ballsack in front of his girlfriend. It’s like, dude, if you feel so threatened, maybe you need to have this talk with your girlfriend and her wandering eyes. I can’t help that I exude sexuality.”

A psychologist who specializes in roommate disagreements offered little advice for those dealing with a difficult, repulsive roommate situation.

“Some people are just disgusting slobs and will never, ever change, despite how much they push others away,” explained Dr. Carly Vitek. “I attempt to mediate roommate conflicts, but usually the best answer is to whisper, ‘MOVE. JUST MOVE OUT,’ to the clean roommate while the oaf roommate is distracted by picking his or her nose.”

All residents were evacuated later in the evening by Vernor’s ever-worsening flatulence, which triggered the apartment’s carbon monoxide detector.

Cop on “Jeopardy!” Shoots at Daily Double Laser Sound

Posted on by Dan Luberto

STUDIO CITY, Calif. — Popular game show “Jeopardy!” ceased filming mid-episode last week when contestant and off-duty police officer Jamie Boyd shot up the studio after being startled by the Daily Double laser sound effect.

“Everyone just hit the floor. It was terrifying. It gave me flashbacks to my time in Iraq,” said Jennifer Myers, a United States Army Veteran who was winning at the time of Boyd’s outburst. “Here I was thinking I could be the first female veteran to win ‘Jeopardy!’ But of course this fucking cop can’t go twenty minutes without shooting her fucking gun.”

Production of “Jeopardy!” has been greatly affected by the loss of longtime host Alex Trebek and the COVID-19 pandemic, with Boyd’s actions only adding to the show’s recent challenges.

“We were on the fence about having a cop on the show, and to be honest she didn’t even come close to passing the basic test we use for the kid’s tournament, but we figured we’d give the one cop who applied and almost spelled her name right a chance,” said Mike Richards, longtime producer of “Jeopardy!” “We should’ve known this was a bad idea when she showed up in full SWAT gear instead of a navy blue shirt like all the firefighters and EMTs did.”

The Daily Double sound effect is one of the most iconic sounds in the history of TV game shows, playing approximately three times every episode of a show that has consistently aired Monday-Friday for almost 40 years, making Boyd’s startled shooting spree which she later attempted to justify even more surprising.

“How was I supposed to know? Being a contestant on ‘Jeopardy!’ is a hard job. You don’t understand,” said Boyd. “In the heat of the moment, it’s hard to distinguish what’s going on. Yes, it seems like I’m just on a soundstage and there’s cameras and bright lights, and sound effects are all part of it, but if you were in my shoes you would have done the same thing. When I leave the house every morning I can never be sure I’m going to make it back, because this job is so unpredictable, and because I lose my keys almost every day.”

At press time, Boyd was shooting at the “Wheel of Fortune” wheel because it was “acting erratically.”

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