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Punk Looking Forward to Finally Hanging out With Friends in Alley During Shows Again

HONOLULU — Local punk Joseph Green is looking forward to finally hanging out with friends in the alley during shows again now that the city is lifting restrictions set in place during the pandemic, disgruntled show promoters confirmed.

“I can’t even begin to express how happy I am for shows to start back up again,” the 42-year-old said before twisting the cap off a plastic 42-ounce bottle of Old English Malt Liquor. “This alley hasn’t seen any action since The Fizz Quicks played Downbeat back in 2019. That was a sick fucking night. I shotgunned two Four Lokos back to back while Billy Bricktop snorted Ally Catastrophe’s allergy meds off her dad’s new Audi. What a rager. I ended up missing the whole show, but who cares. Those come and go. The hangs are what matter.”

Green wasn’t the only one looking forward to the return of shows in Honolulu.

“I can’t explain it. There’s just something about the energy in the dark, wet, piss-soaked alley that can’t be replicated inside the dark, piss-soaked venue,” Edward Roberts explained. “What starts off as a quick pre-game beer outside while the first band sets up almost always turns into the main event. I mean, it’s cheaper than the bar and I can smoke all the weed I want out here without getting shit from the bouncer. Sure, it’s not technically supporting the scene but I can hear the bands from outside and they usually sound like shit anyways. It’s not like anybody actually came to the show to see the bands.”

Concert promoters said they are also excited for the return of shows, but not so much for people congregating in the alley during them.

“It’s so fucking frustrating to pull up to a venue with the touring band and watch them get excited by the turn out only to later realize none of the people we saw outside were coming in,” said BIG KAHUNA PRODUCTIONS promoter Dallas Aulani. “Not to mention the venue owner is always up my ass because fifty people are hanging out drinking around the bar and nobody’s paying to drink in the bar. It’s only a matter of time before this scene is completely out of venues to host shows and when that happens, where do these assholes expect to go?”

At press time, Joseph was seen in the parking lot screaming “CIRCLE PIT!” as he blasted the album of the band playing inside the venue from his Honda Civic.