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Casinos Will Hate You for Doing This: Shitting in the Slot Machines

You know what they say about casinos the house always wins. And sure, the fat cats make a hefty profit out of swindling the gullible and the unlucky, but fortunately for you, there’s a way to get back at them that they’ll never expect. It’s simple: take a shit in the slot machines!

That’s right, you can make their system work for you! And by system, we mean a row of slot machines that look relatively unguarded, and a whole ton of fiber in your diet.

It sounds crazy, but there’s no more surefire way to get back at the casino that forced you to max out your credit cards, lie to your spouse and take out a second mortgage on your home that now creeps over your guilty conscience like an oncoming storm every day than to sidle up to those tempting, intriguing machines and prepare to drop trou.

Trust us, they hate it when people do this!

And sure, casinos will tell you not to use their fancy-dancy gambling machines as a makeshift commode, but get this: there’s no official Federal or state law that says you can’t! In all likelihood, this is probably because no member of the legislature thought this would ever need to be codified in law. But just like there’s no actual laws against counting cards, gaming casinos for free buffet tickets and cashing out an IRA prematurely, taking a massive tax loss, it’s something casinos just don’t want you to know! But that’s how ingenuity gets the better of fat cats every time!

Damn those fat cats. How’s your kid going to go to college now? An entire 529 savings plan, gone, just like that. One hand of blackjack.


Anyway, remember: the house may always win, but only if you count winning as taking your entire life savings, causing you to alienate your spouse who couldn’t stop asking questions at the bank and tossing you out of the casino while you alternately begged and threatened them for one more round of baccarat!

If you ask us, winning actually means having a gut full of high-intensity soluble fiber supplements and getting a shred of your dignity back by dropping a hot one in a one-armed bandit. So get at it and strike a blow for the little guy!

Oh shit, here comes security. Finish up fast.