Being from New Jersey is a personality trait, we get it. You think you’re special because you’ve never pumped your own gas and will physically fight anyone that calls Jersey a “drive-through state,” but that kind of flex doesn’t always go a long way in the bedroom.
Believe it or not, it’s a bit of a turn off when you start randomly raving about New Jersey bagels during foreplay. But have no fear, we’re offering a few tips and tricks to maintain a spicy sex life that will help you put the sex back in Essex County.
Stop Talking About New Jersey’s Major Highways In A Sexy Baby Voice
Nothing gets you more hot and heavy than using a sexy baby voice to whisper your extensive knowledge of I-95 into your partner’s ear. Unfortunately, this creeps the hell out of most people who have never even heard of the Jersey Turnpike. Maybe try a more normal roleplay situation that doesn’t involve complaining about the roadwork at Exit 8.
Save The “Pork Roll VS. Taylor Ham” Debate For After Sex
Shocking, but it’s actually a huge game killer when you say things like, “anyone that calls pork roll ‘Taylor Ham’ should die a slow and painful death.” You’d defend the name of Jersey’s staple breakfast meat until the ends of the Earth, but insulting your partner for calling it by its brand name isn’t grounds for flattery. Until your lover has learned that this is a normal debate New Jerseyians have on a daily basis, save it for after sex.
Remove The Seven Framed Posters of Gritty From Your Bedroom Wall
If you’re from Southern New Jersey, then you worship the Philadelphia Flyers hockey mascot, Gritty. Although Gritty is your king, your sexual partner is having a hard time reaching climax when there’s seven posters of Gritty’s psychotic eyes staring at them.
Don’t Assume It Will Impress Anyone That You Live In The Town Where ‘Jersey Shore’ Was Filmed
Oh, you live in Seaside Heights? Well, buddy, it isn’t 2009 anymore and it honestly wasn’t impressive back then either. Spiking your hair like a Guido and calling your penis “The Situation” isn’t going to land you in Pound Town. That TV show is old news, and so is your spray tan. Also, maybe stop calling it Pound Town?
Find A Partner Who Is Just As Passionate About Jersey As You Are
Maybe you just need to find a partner who also can’t shut up about the Garden State. You could roleplay as moonshiners from the Pine Barrens and talk about 24 hour diners until you’re blue in the face. So, go out there and score yourself a pizza-eating speed limit-breaking lover!