ASHEVILLE, S.C. — A frontline food service worker was stripped of her hero and esteemed “essential” status after forgetting to bring a side of mayonnaise to one of her tables late yesterday evening, disappointed customers confirmed.
“I knew she was going to forget,” said Jackie Hines, a patron at The Rusty Knot Cafe who was recently forced to eat her truffle fries without mayonnaise. “Three weeks ago the same waitress forgot to bring me an extra side of Sriracha ranch for my immunity power bowl, so my standards weren’t incredibly high, but a little quality control would be nice if she expects me to leave a decent 10 percent tip. I truly cannot understand why finding good help is so hard these days.”
As America reopens its public venues with little to no COVID restrictions, essential workers are under increased scrutiny by those who revered them as heroes just months ago.
“Our 15 minutes are up,” said disgraced hero Rosa Carr, picking up discarded chicken wing bones from under a table. “Realizing that all that stands between heroism and villainy is one ramequin of off-brand mayonnaise really makes you understand how fleeting fame is. I knew the whole hero thing was over three weeks ago when someone tipped me with an expired Bed Bath and Beyond coupon. Good to be back to normal.”
Hordes of people are returning to restaurants, desperate to engage in normal activities again, like meeting up with colleagues for an after-work drink or chastising servers for perceived offenses.
“I think the whole hero thing has gone far enough,” said hedge fund manager Daniel Ashe. “Would a hero refuse to charge my phone behind the bar, or tell me they can’t make huevos rancheros because the kitchen stopped serving breakfast four hours ago? I don’t think so. Let’s just get back to the way things were and keep the praise for the real heroes, like Rocky Balboa and Wolverine.”
At press time, patrons of The Rusty Knot had banded together to disgrace another server for giving a customer too much ice in their Diet Coke when they’d specifically asked for “light ice.”