The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Graphic Designer Completely Unaware He’s Cause of Dozens of Deep State Q Conspiracies

Posted on June 28, 2021 by The Hard Times Staff

BINGHAMTON, N.Y. — Local graphic designer Fletcher Townsend remains totally oblivious to the fact that his work portfolio continues to fuel multiple Qanon conspiracies, dozens of so-called “bakers” confirmed.

“Look man, all I’m saying is just do some of your own research and stop believing everything the mainstream media is feeding you,” said Q theorist Teddy Horton. “This Townsend guy made a logo for a mom and pop store called ‘Big Value Garden Supply’ right? OK, so you take the initials and you have B V G S, OK? Now drop the B V part of it and what are you left with? That’s right, G S. Which clearly indicates he’s working with George Soros and this company is harvesting baby parts in order to keep Trump out of office. It’s so obvious.”

Fellow Qanon disciple Oscar Tate believes that Townsend is one of the most dangerous people in America.

“When I first heard of Fletcher Townsend I thought ‘OK, he’s just some random guy making a living,’ but there were a lot of things that just didn’t add up. How is it that a guy who works designing websites for nail salons can afford a mint-condition 2014 Subaru Forester? It’s obvious that this man is fully entrenched with the global elites that are hell bent on harvesting adrenochrome from our children,” said Tate. “This is why I moved my family to an undisclosed location in the woods of the Pacific Northwest. I want to keep my kids safe from this monster.”

Friends of Townsend are debating whether or not they should inform him of the attention he’s been drawing from the far-right conspiracy group.

“We are all sort of thinking that we shouldn’t worry Fletch by telling him there are hundreds of thousands, possibly millions, of nut jobs that think he’s responsible for Trump losing the election,” said longtime friend and roommate Ellie Marsh. “He thinks it’s weird that I always insist on being the one that checks the mail, but it’s because I’m throwing away multiple packages and envelopes every day that are addressed to ‘Baby Killer’ and ‘Traitor’ so he doesn’t have to see how many people want him dead.”

Townsend further inflamed Q message boards after his “Just ate a huge burrito” tweet spawned multiple theories that he is personally escorting drug lords from South America across the border to help dead people vote.

ACAB Including the Scooby Gang

Posted on June 28, 2021 by Ryan Danley

Well lookie what we have here. The Mystery Machine and its group of do-gooders. Running around, looking at clues, and chasing supposed “monsters.” It’s time we take a hard look and admit the Scooby Gang is just a bunch of fucking cops.

While they may not be badge-carrying members of law enforcement, Scooby and the gang sure like to get cozy with the local pigs in small towns. That alone makes them bastards, at least. At their absolute best they are still a coordinated group of snitches.

But it’s actually much darker. They’re operating as a private party mercenary group that isn’t beholden to the same rules as local law, making these meddling kids far more dangerous to our civil rights than even the police. Hell, we never saw how Fred actually dealt with those interrogations. These bastards have COINTELPRO written all over them.

Just take a look at Shaggy Rogers. This supposed dipshit walks and talks like some sort of beatnik, but then pals around with the cops on a first name basis. Clearly a drug informant. Oh, what? Him and the dog are rumored to be supposedly smoking pot in the back of the van? That’s exactly what they want you to think.

Before you start in with some bullshit about how they always arrest old rich white guys or whatever, remember that we never saw how sentencing was carried out. We know how this broken justice system works. Those guys probably got time served for the damn squad car ride from the haunted amusement park to the police station. There’s no justice being laid upon the feet of those assholes. Rather than sending those guys to comfy Club Fed, a real Scooby gang would have dealt with that shit on the street.

So next time you shout, type, or spraypaint “ACAB,” remember that this system won’t be truly just until we eradicate all of its enforcers. From the brutal tactics of ICE to the wolf in sheep’s clothing of the Scooby gang, oppression is the real monster in the shadows.

Counting Crows Clarify “Mr. Jones” Was Referencing Indiana Jones

Posted on June 28, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

BERKELEY, Calif. — ‘90s alt-rock band Counting Crows finally announced the subject of their hit song “Mr. Jones” is none other than Dr. Henry Walton “Indiana” Jones, Jr. of the “Indiana Jones” film franchise, after many years of public speculation.

“I personally always thought it was pretty obvious, but Counting Crows has always been heavily influenced by the character and the movie franchise based around him,” explained the band’s frontman, Adam Duritz. “‘Recovering the Satellites’ is a concept album based on fanfic I wrote about Indy being enlisted by the U.S. government to investigate ancient alien satellites, and our song ‘Rain King’ is pretty much a retelling of the young-adult novel ‘Indiana Jones and the Monsoon of the Gods.’”

“And yes, I know it should be ‘Dr. Jones,’” Duritz added. “Art requires creative choices.”

David Bryson, rhythm guitarist for Counting Crows, is familiar with Duritz’s inspirations, but remains true to the band’s creative influences.

“Adam is straight-up obsessed,” Bryson said. “He knows more about Indiana Jones than anyone I’ve ever met, and being in Counting Crows means you meet a lot of nerds. For a while, I thought it was just a running gag, but then he started showing me his fan-art of Indiana Jones teaming up with James Bond, and coming up with all these explanations of how ‘Kingdom of the Crystal Skull’ carries on the legacy. It doesn’t, by the way. Did you see those fucking CGI monkeys? Either way, that song’s still paying my rent, so who’s to complain?”

Vida Lankarani, a representative for George Lucas, affirmed the band’s superfandom.

“Mr. Lucas’ work is influential in many fields, and it’s unsurprising that bands would write music inspired by it. However, it is remarkable how Mr. Duritz managed to nail Mr. Lucas’ original vision of the character,” she stated. “While not public knowledge, the first script for ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ included an early scene in which Indiana strikes up a conversation with a black-haired flamenco dancer, and he originally was written with the catchphrase ‘I wish I was someone just a little more funky.’ Only a real Jones-head would know that, as fortunately, it didn’t make it into the final cut.”

As of press time, lawyers for Disney’s Lucasfilm division were investigating the Counting Crows back catalogue for misuse of intellectual property.

Review: GWAR “Scumdogs of the Universe”

Posted on June 27, 2021 by Dan Rice

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we cover “Scumdogs of the Universe,” the 1990 sophomore album from GWAR.

Musical appreciation is subjective and casts a wide spectrum. There are albums you love, albums you hate, and everything in between. But then there are albums so big, so woven into our cultural tapestry that judging them never even occurs to us. The White Album, Pet Sounds, Nevermind. These works are not albums, they are facts. They are undeniable. They are part of the zeitgeist forever. This is the level of relevance Gwar achieved with “Scumdogs of the Universe.”

Today alone, how many times have you said “What’s up scumdog?” to someone without even thinking about the phrase’s origin? What does it say about the impact of Gwar when children across the country who have never even heard of them gleefully flock to the playground to play “Sexecutioner” with the other kids? These are just a few of the many ways Gwar has shaped our cultural lexicon, all thanks to this classic, landmark album.

Hearing the first few notes of the opening track “Salaminizer” is like putting on a cozy sweater you’ve owned your entire life. It’s hard to even imagine that there was once a time when the lyrics “Ever since I was a scumdog, I blew a cum-wad, I need a mother-fucking suckadickalickalong!” did not exist. Think of how many movies, television shows and works of literature have referenced that one line alone, just from track one!

The next three songs on “Scumdogs of the Universe” are perhaps the most iconic triple hitter in rock history, “Maggots”, ”Sick of You” and “Slaughterama” The big three. Due to their oversaturation in bank commercials, Wes Anderson films and wedding receptions it’s easy to forget the genius behind these timeless masterpieces. In the immortal words of Oderus Urungus himself, “Putrid pus-pools vomit bubonic plague, the bowels of the beast reek of puke.”

While purists consider the group’s later output to be more “hip” and “cerebral,” There’s no denying that “Scumdogs of the Universe” cemented Gwar’s status as a cultural touchstone. Is it as complex and experimental as “This Toilet Earth?” Of course not. But for one brief moment in 1990, people from all walks of life joined hands and sang “Suck on the shitbag of what you created,” and that moment will echo into eternity.

Score: 666 Scumdogs out of 666 Scumdogs

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Emotional Support Dog Not Accepting New Patients

Posted on June 27, 2021 by Bobby Korec

SEATTLE — Highly sought-after emotional support golden retriever Dr. Buttons Wigglesworth was reportedly not accepting new patients due to unusually high demand for her services, sources forced to look elsewhere for their four-legged support needs confirmed.

“All the hard work I kind of put in to exploit her healing properties for profit is finally paying off,” said Buttons’ trainer Carly Robbins while aggressively telling strangers not to touch her fur because she’s not the kind of pup you can just pet for free. “After Psychology Today named Buttons one of 2021’s ‘Therapy Animals to Watch,’ demand completely skyrocketed and we were overwhelmed with new patients. I’m currently considering adding a second or maybe even a third dog to the therapy roster and becoming my own for-profit emotional support animal clinic. Stay tuned.”

Those who needed immediate support were disappointed to be turned away.

“It’s incredibly difficult to find a therapeutic animal that’s covered by my insurance because evidently if it doesn’t directly benefit the pharmaceutical industry monetarily these companies won’t go near it,” said Shane Gramburg before reading reviews of available therapy animals in his area. “My last two emotional support animals didn’t quite work out. One was a cat who quite honestly seemed more depressed than me. The other was an emotional support peacock who apparently wasn’t allowed on domestic or international flights. Had to find that out the hard way. Do you have any idea what it’s like to abandon your therapy peacock at TSA? I just hope that little guy is doing well in his new forever home at Terminal B.”

Experts weighed in on the effectiveness and availability of animal-centered therapy options.

“Emotional support animals are a fantastic way to relieve anxiety because it’s nearly impossible to feel stressed while rubbing your hands on a dog’s face and saying, ‘Who’s a good boy?’ enthusiastically,” claimed psychologist Anne Bakersfield. “It’s just too bad that regular layman animals don’t provide the same level of support. In a perfect world, all species would naturally serve humans for every emotional need for free. It’s literally the least they can do for all the things we’ve done for the animal kingdom as a whole throughout history.”

At press time, Buttons’ trainer announced that they were creating a Headspace-like app where the dog would conduct guided meditations for as little as $9.99 per month.

CDC Says Vaccinated Persons Now Safe to End Stagnant Relationships

Posted on June 27, 2021 by The Hard Times Staff

ATLANTA — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced earlier this week that fully vaccinated people may safely end the lame-ass relationships they were too chickenshit to pull the plug on all last year, relieved sources report.

“Whether you stuck it out because of some splitting-the-rent situation, or you just didn’t have it in you to put your thirsty ass back on Tinder before you knew you could do so without getting your entire family sick, we’re happy to report that fully vaccinated persons can now safely leave the dead weight sacks of shit they’ve been sleeping next to for the last 15 months,” said CDC spokesperson Jennifer R. Cleveland, MD. “We probably could have made this announcement several weeks ago, but it’s officially summer and flights to Miami are actually pretty cheap right now, so you’re welcome.”

Millions around the country were elated to receive the news that the horrifying ordeal of realizing they’ve settled for someone who hasn’t gone down on them since three birthdays ago is finally over.

“I wasn’t sure I was going to make it through this last year with Paul right there by my fucking side the entire time, just breathing like how he does, but I kept my head in the game and my vibrator full of batteries, and here we are,” said Biloxi, Mississippi resident Karla Pickens. “I can’t wait to get back together with my friends and immediately start obsessing over someone whose texts are impossible to interpret.”

While many are relieved to hear the news, some people are experiencing the anxiety of finally leaving their bullshit relationships and returning to the world as before.

“This whole time I’ve been dreaming of the day I could dump my boyfriend and be single for a while and just take some time for myself,” said Madison, Wisconsin resident and self-proclaimed “codependent mess” Ryan Tan. “But now that the time is here, I remember how awkward it can be going out in public by myself or eating dinner by myself or just generally being in my own company with no one to project my insecurities and unresolved trauma onto. I just don’t know if I’m ready to start being miserable alone again.”

At press time, the CDC made a new announcement claiming that persons left by their former partners are now safe to turn the notifications back on for texts from their side pieces.

Honesty, Listening, and Shared Interests: How To Avoid These Relationship Killers

Posted on June 27, 2021 by Eric Navarro

Relationship killers are everywhere. Love is a battlefield and it’s littered with landmines. Say one wrong thing and you’ll find yourself in a passive-aggressive argument staring down the barrel of one hell of a long night. So much for re-watching The Sopranos.

So how do we avoid these relationship destroyers? In the course of a healthy union it’s typical for couples to cultivate a sense of honesty, practice listening, and develop shared interests. While there are countless relationship killers to be aware of, those are widely considered the big three. Here’s how you can avoid the honesty/listening/self interests trap:

Honesty – This one is both the most straightforward and also the easiest to maintain. You know the truth, right? Okay, well just say the opposite of that. All the time. Look, your partner is smart. So when they ask you for your thoughts on some dumb thing that they know you have no interest in, they’re just setting you up to say the wrong thing in hopes of starting a fight. You may think they value your thoughts, but the truth is they’re just setting up the pieces on the chessboard of lies that is this relationship. But you know better. You’re a goddamn Grand Master at their sinister game. Once the puppet, now the puppeteer. You pull all the strings. See? Problem solved! Just don’t ever tell the truth or else it might put this wonderful relationship at risk.

Listening – Cutting out honesty is a good start, but that will only solve half your problems as that just takes care of the dumb shit you say. But what about all the dumb shit your partner says? Listening to that horseshit is a ticking time bomb they planted in your brain, which they may attempt to set off in the middle of an office party or family wedding. To prevent the other half of your fights, stop listening to anything they say. You can nod and agree, but for the sake of your relationship, it’s best that you don’t comprehend any of it.

Shared Interests – Finally we come to the silent relationship killer, shared interests. So you found something that makes you happy outside of your relationship? Good for you! However, you broke rule one when you told your partner how happy it made you, and then you broke rule number two when you listened to them say they want to try it with you next time. Well, guess what? It’s their interest, now. You fucked up. Go find another hobby that no one in their right mind would subject themselves to. Maybe open mic comedy.

Class Action Lawsuit Filed Against Bands Who Place New Songs on Greatest Hits Albums

Posted on June 27, 2021 by John Danek

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Multiple residents of California filed a class action lawsuit against any bands who included new material on a “Greatest Hits” compilation album, a lawyer representing the group announced.

“I’m proud to represent the countless American citizens and people around the world that are victimized by this insidious practice perpetrated by some of the most powerful artists and labels in the music industry,” explained lawyer Keith Hill. “This heinous crime has been committed in plain sight for far too many years; it’s time for Social Distortion, ZZ Top, Ace of Base, and countless others to pay for their transgressions. Van Halen put two new songs on their ‘Best Of,’ so we seek double the compensation from them. Our message is clear: you will not get away with this, and music consumers are sick of it. We want the hits.”

Fans who have devoted time, money, and effort into supporting their favorite bands wondered how musicians can sleep at night after committing such acts of deceit.

“I’ve been a My Chemical Romance fan since the ‘I Brought You My Bullets’ era, so imagine my surprise when I bought their ‘May Death Never Stop You’ compilation for my daughter,” stated diehard MCR fan Ophelia Smith. “It was her first CD. I explained how important the band is to my life, but when we popped the CD in, it played some bullshit new song with the Reggie & the Full Effect guy on keys. My daughter laughed in my face and put Post Malone back on. This was my chance to finally connect with her. The album art clearly states ‘Greatest Hits 2001-2013,’ not ‘Greatest Hits and One Throwaway Song That Shouldn’t Have Made It Past Demos.’ My Chem and Reggie & the Full Effect fans deserve better.”

Music industry insiders speculated on why bands commonly insist on including one new song of weaker material in compilations that should otherwise only show the strongest moments of their career.

“You have no idea what kind of discussions, fights, and threats are made in the deliberations for choosing a greatest hits track listing,” explained legendary band manager Thomas Cromwell. “I had to literally pull Keith Richards off Mick Jagger when discussing songs to include on the ‘Forty Licks’ comp. So new tracks are usually suggested as a peace offering for whoever didn’t get their lame deep cut included. We had to add four new tracks on that one to get everyone to calm down, and I solidified my place in hell in the process.”

The Supreme Court is already expected to weigh in on a heavily contested case that will determine whether or not live versions of songs can also be included on greatest hits compilations.

Elite Team of Mercenaries No Match for Alcoholic Ex-Patrolman Turned Security Guard

Posted on June 26, 2021 by Patrick Crooks

NEW YORK — A mercenary team of ex-special forces, KGB, and other trained combatants attempting to take an entire gala event hostage were single-handedly defeated by a disgraced ex-cop who was working security that day, officials confirmed.

“Not really sure what happened. One minute my boss is chewing me out for showing up hungover again, and the next minute I’m kicking the shit out of these army guys,” stated the guard, former NYPD detective Jim Hamilton. “These were some bad ass dudes too, like one of them said something about being an ex-Navy Seal and their leader was a trained assassin or something? But, yeah, I fucking rocked it man. At one point I fought off seven at once and all I had for a weapon was my flashlight and a lighter. Those guys had a ton of guns and I still won, it was a good day.”

Several of the surviving hostages expressed their gratitude, but were quick to admit they didn’t think Hamilton had much of a chance.

“To be perfectly honest, I thought we were kind of fucked when this security guard popped his head out of an air vent and said he would handle the situation,” remarked former hostage Lisa Allard. “The guard was just horribly out of shape and reeked of cheap booze, and these mercenaries were really buff and had no problem wiping out some of my bodyguards — who were ex-Mossad, I might add. They had assault rifles and bombs, and he only had a glock or something. I guess those hold more bullets than I realized because I don’t think he had to reload once.”

Former police associates of Hamilton concurred with the initial suspicions of the hostages.

“I was pretty surprised to say the least. Jim was kicked off the force 10 years ago after getting drunk and driving his squad car into a stock car race. He tried to pull over the drivers and eventually fired two shots into the crowd,” said former partner Steve Hannigan. “Someone told me he even defused a couple bombs during the crisis. Which completely floored me, because Jim wasn’t on the bomb squad. I mean, how could he be? The guy drank so goddamn much he had the shakes like crazy. He couldn’t even aim his gun properly 90 percent of the time.”

At press time, Hamilton found himself forced to take on another team of mercenaries who had hijacked the train he was taking to see his ex-wife.

Hero Status Revoked After Server Forgets Side of Mayonnaise

Posted on June 26, 2021 by Dom Turek

ASHEVILLE, S.C. — A frontline food service worker was stripped of her hero and esteemed “essential” status after forgetting to bring a side of mayonnaise to one of her tables late yesterday evening, disappointed customers confirmed.

“I knew she was going to forget,” said Jackie Hines, a patron at The Rusty Knot Cafe who was recently forced to eat her truffle fries without mayonnaise. “Three weeks ago the same waitress forgot to bring me an extra side of Sriracha ranch for my immunity power bowl, so my standards weren’t incredibly high, but a little quality control would be nice if she expects me to leave a decent 10 percent tip. I truly cannot understand why finding good help is so hard these days.”

As America reopens its public venues with little to no COVID restrictions, essential workers are under increased scrutiny by those who revered them as heroes just months ago.

“Our 15 minutes are up,” said disgraced hero Rosa Carr, picking up discarded chicken wing bones from under a table. “Realizing that all that stands between heroism and villainy is one ramequin of off-brand mayonnaise really makes you understand how fleeting fame is. I knew the whole hero thing was over three weeks ago when someone tipped me with an expired Bed Bath and Beyond coupon. Good to be back to normal.”

Hordes of people are returning to restaurants, desperate to engage in normal activities again, like meeting up with colleagues for an after-work drink or chastising servers for perceived offenses.

“I think the whole hero thing has gone far enough,” said hedge fund manager Daniel Ashe. “Would a hero refuse to charge my phone behind the bar, or tell me they can’t make huevos rancheros because the kitchen stopped serving breakfast four hours ago? I don’t think so. Let’s just get back to the way things were and keep the praise for the real heroes, like Rocky Balboa and Wolverine.”

At press time, patrons of The Rusty Knot had banded together to disgrace another server for giving a customer too much ice in their Diet Coke when they’d specifically asked for “light ice.”

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we cover “Scumdogs of the Universe,” the 1990 sophomore album from GWAR.

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