Optimus Prime Forced to Walk Everywhere After Truck Form Fails Highway Safety Inspection

Posted on by Jerrod Kingery

AUTOBOT CITY — Heroic Autobot Optimus Prime is currently forbidden from morphing into his truck form and driving on roads following a failed highway safety inspection, thanks to damage he sustained while saving the entire universe from The Hate Plague using the Matrix of Leadership, multiple bummed out sources confirmed.

“We Autobots seek to coexist with humanity, as we are guests on this planet,” Prime boomed in his noble baritone as he walked alongside the dusty desert road with his thumb out in an attempt to hitchhike to Omega Supreme. “But I have to admit, not being able to ‘transform and roll out,’ if you will, because of some Nevada Department of Transportation bureaucracy, is an incredible inconvenience.”

“I mean, I could simply command Metroplex to transform into his battle station mode and drive to Arizona, or just take the Space Bridge back to Cybertron for a little while, but Blaster has overheard some chatter about Trypticon planning some sort of attack, so I can’t really swing either of those,” Prime added, stopping to make sure the ramp to his parked trailer was locked.

Malevolent leader of the Decepticons, Megatron, cackled maniacally and took verbal shots at the Autobot commander, who was last seen smoking a cigarette behind a rest stop Dumpster.

“Foolish Prime and his insistence on playing by the rules of these pathetic Earthlings,” Megatron bellowed. “You’ll never see the day a mighty Decepticon bows to the whims of some puny human! And anyway, let me tell you, as someone who transforms into a gun, I get non-stop static from liberal humans about it. That’s why I’ve seriously been considering setting up my Decepticon empire in Texas, because anything goes with those rootin’ tootin’ maniacs.”

Nevada DOT spokesman Norm Harper noted that Optimus Prime had been given plenty of warning before his failed inspection.

“Look, I have nothing but respect for Optimus Prime,” Harper said. “My dad still talks about how he watched him surf his way into that battle over a Deception hydroelectric generator, but he’s still gotta follow the rules of the road. Prime’s brake lights have been inoperative since some scuffle he had with Astrotrain, and his left-front headlight was destroyed in a head-on collision with Motormaster. Thank you for saving Central City from Kremzeek and all, but it’s the law.”

In a related story, the United States Navy deployed a pair of battleships off the coast of California to impound triple-changing Autobot Broadside for impersonating an aircraft carrier.

Astrologer Honestly into Anything That Allows Them to Stereotype People

Posted on by Stephen Bell

ATHENS, Ohio — Self-described lover of crystals, energy healing, and astrology Emma Cobb is reportedly only into hobbies that allow her to casually stereotype people, confirmed sources close to the total Gemini.

“Astrology works well as a quick way to really get to know people on a deep level,” said Cobb while arranging a collection of tinctures. “Like I work with this guy Ian, from Scotland, who is so cheap because he’s a Leo. I know he’s cheap because he totally refused to buy any of the crystals I’m selling, which would help with his drinking problem. He then insisted he doesn’t have a drinking problem and that I was making some crack about his heritage. It’s not like the circumstances of his birth are my fault. You can’t help being born in Scotland, the same way you can’t help being born in August.”

Acquaintances of Cobb said they did not appreciate her constant stereotyping of them based on their astrological sign.

“The other day, Emma commented that I must be good at math because I’m a Virgo,” said co-worker Jessica Qing. “She was clearly making reference to the fact that I’m Asian, except when you talk about astrological signs, you can get away with it. That’s how a lot of this new agey bullshit works. I mean, for fuck’s sake, she asked if she could read the bumps on my head the other day as a ‘personality test’ and then got mad at me for calling her a racist. She then insisted she can’t be racist because she has a friend who’s an Aquarius. What does that even mean?”

Ky Rosol, a seller of supernatural items from areas where many men dare not tread, pushed back on this narrative that astrology and related practices are in any way discriminatory.

“The mysteries of the universe are beyond comprehension and shouldn’t be questioned,” stated Rosol. “Is it my fault that the tarot cards keep telling me to follow around the Black customers of my store? The cards work in mysterious ways. They can’t possibly know my own biases or shortcomings. Besides, life is much easier when you accept that forces beyond your control determine your course in life. It really helps me feel less anxious about thinking or contemplating anything for myself.”

At press time, Cobb was offering her astrology services to the local police department, claiming she can tell the criminal type by their star charts.

Oh You’re a Nirvana Fan? Name Three Steps on Noble Siddhartha’s Fourfold Path to Enlightenment

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Hey, nice t-shirt. Nirvana. You think you’re a Nirvana fan? Sure, kid. Whatever you say. Okay big shot, how ’bout this? If you love Nirvana so much, why don’t you name three of Siddhartha’s Noble Truths of Enlightenment, blessed be his name, the divine one who has thus come and the divine one who has thus gone?

Yeah. I thought so.

If you were really into Nirvana like you claim, then I’m sure you’re familiar with the life and doctrines of the Gautama Buddha? So you totally knew he was born a prince of the Shakya clan in modern-day Nepal? Sure. And I bet you also knew that he lived a life of pleasure before encountering the suffering of the world, becoming an ascetic, before rejecting both extremes for the noble truth of the Fourfold Path that is the only thing that can free us from the endless cosmic yoke of reincarnation through dhyana and relinquishing of worldly attachments? You seem surprised. A real fan wouldn’t be surprised. You know who would be surprised? A fucking poser.

If I had a prayer bead for every Bodhisattva-come-lately that I’ve heard claim to love Nirvana, but not even be able to list one Noble Truth. Can you? Asshole. Here’s a hint: the first one is Duḥkha, which is the revealed truth of the inherent suffering nature of the earthly realm, the pain and stress that exists in all things that exist. Jackass. You know what the suffering of existence means to me? It means having to look at a fucking newbie like you call yourself a fan. You don’t even have a saffron robe.

It’s fake people like you that make it hard to renounce attachment to the world and taṇhā, which is translated as “craving” or “desire.” As in, my desire to knock your fucking teeth in. A real Nirvana fan spends their life in meditation, balancing their mind and spirit, assiduously traveling along the Noble Eightfold Path of Bhagavathi, the Satthadeva-Manussanam, the Blessed Buddha who has shown us the way to shed the terrible burden of the karmic wheel and transcend existence itself into the sheer release of realization of non-self. You’re just some motherfucker who bought a t-shirt.

You know what? Fuck off and don’t come ’round here again. I hope you get reincarnated a million times you poser piece of shit.

33% Capacity Show Produces 50% Larger Crowd than Local Band Has Ever Played For

Posted on by Krissy Howard

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — A limited-capacity show yesterday evening drew a crowd twice as large as local band Jolly Bean Chili Greens has ever seen in their seven years of performing, sources report.

“This is the best day of my life. It’s always been my dream to play a sold-out show, and today is the day that dream comes true,” said JBCG frontman and full-time IT technician Andrew Garcia. “I would be lying if I said I wasn’t feeling the pressure of entertaining such a huge crowd right now, though. These 17 people finally get to see live music indoors for the first time in over a year, so we’re just gonna have to suck up these nervous jitters and turn this motherfucker out.”

Show attendees and long-time supporters of the band were also shocked by the turnout.

“Honestly, I was worried I was at the wrong show or something. I mean, I saw like, seven people standing outside of the venue, and then when I went in, there were still a few more people in it, and none of them worked at the venue or anything,” said JBCG drummer Josh Price’s roommate, Daryl Tran. “What really blew me away was how there wasn’t just one guy who came alone standing against the wall watching them set up, but two. On different parts of the same wall. It feels pretty cool to know someone before they got big. I just hope they don’t let this go to their head and get some ‘rockstar’ attitude.”

Experts report that this phenomenon should be expected for at least the next several months.

“Bands who couldn’t get their significant others or close friends to come see them play this time last year are witnessing unprecedented spikes in show attendance among their peers now,” said data analyst Katie Sharp. “I would guess that it’s equal parts reverse psychology and good old fashioned cabin fever that’s getting people to come out. Most people would stand in line for over an hour to experience literally anything at this point, so when someone’s coworker’s boyfriend’s band’s manager says they can get a person on any sort of list, there is a 100% chance that they will show up, at least while capacity maximums are this low.”

At press time, Garcia was overheard telling his boss to go fuck herself, claiming that there was no doubt in his mind that this is the right time to go pro with his music career.

Swedish Metal Guitarist Attempts to Cut Down Tree with Boss HM-2 Pedal

Posted on by John Danek

GOTHENBURG, Sweden — Melodic death metal guitarist Jens Nyberg tried to use a Boss HM-2 pedal, infamous for its famous “chainsaw” guitar tone, to chop down a tree, embarrassed sources reported.

“Fuck! Why even compare this expensive guitar pedal to a chainsaw if it can’t help at all with my landscaping chores?” protested Nyberg, who was diagnosed with traumatic CTE from years of synchronized headbanging. “First, I set up my guitar rig next to the tree and played At the Gates’ ‘Blinded by Fear’ riff, but the tree didn’t even fucking move. Not a single leaf fell off. At that point, I realized I was being ridiculous. So I unplugged the pedal and started grinding it against the tree. It didn’t do shit. I just scuffed up the pedal a bunch, lowering its value. Fuck this. Back to the Metal Zone.”

Professional landscapers weighed in on the effectiveness of using guitar and audio gear for their metaphorical purposes.

“I don’t even understand what you’re asking me. At the very least, you need an axe to chop down a tree. But preferably a chainsaw,” said Anders Falk, one of Gothenburg’s top rated tree removal specialists. “You’re telling me he tried to chop down a tree with a metal box you plug a guitar into? Shit, maybe you could bring down a tree with a B.C. Rich, but that would have to be one dried-out tree. Hell, maybe you could wrap a bass string around it and saw. But this is ludicrous. Just call a professional.”

A spokesperson from Boss weighed in on alternative uses for their guitar effects products.

“I studied electrical engineering for five years to work at Boss and design pedals for guitarists, who are all apparently mouthbreathing morons,” sighed an exasperated Hiroshi Sato, Boss engineer. “Someone said it sounded like a chainsaw once, and now idiots are trying to chop down trees. What’s next, attempting to eat a Big Muff Pi? Keeping a ProCo Rat in a cage? Attempting to console a Dunlop Cry Baby?”

Nyberg’s problems of confusion reportedly continued when he was accused of lewd conduct while testing out an Electro-Harmonix Electric Mistress at a local guitar shop.

Jackpot: Friend With Car Going Sober

Posted on by Billy Patterson

PHILADELPHIA – Local friend and owner of a comfortable and reliable five-seat sedan, Victor Schnellenberger, is planning to quit drinking alcohol and begin a long journey of inward healing, according to overjoyed, tipsy sources with low Uber ratings.

“This is the best news I’ve gotten all year,” said Kim Tanaka, a longtime friend of Schnellenberger. “Vic’s been a real mess since his divorce and things got pretty crazy for a while, but with him going sober, now we won’t have to worry about forty-dollar Lyfts or midnight bus rides ever again. We probably won’t even have to pay for gas money, since he’ll be so desperate to be included in our outings. It sucks that he’ll be a lot less fun, but trading all my drinking buddies for one designated driver is just the kind of sacrifice I’m willing to make.”

Schnellenberger said he was surprised by the overwhelmingly positive response upon announcing his sobriety to his friend group.

“I was worried at first how they would take it, but they could not have been more supportive. There was a lot of hugging and cheering, some crying, and a couple people even starting making out. They must have been really overwhelmed, emotionally,” he recalled. “Friends I haven’t spoken to in years are even reaching out to me and saying we should hang out again. Everyone seems to be so on board with my sobriety. People are pointing out benefits that I hadn’t even thought of, like how I’ll save so much money on alcohol that I could probably afford an SUV.”

According to substance abuse counselor Carl Hayes, car owners like Schnellenberger often receive a very high level of support for their decisions to go sober.

“When someone wants to give up alcohol, the first piece of advice I give them is to buy a car,” said Hayes. “Keeping a routine is crucial in establishing new habits, so keeping your ringer on around last call will definitely help with that, especially Thursdays through Saturdays. If you can’t get drunk with your friends or chauffeur them around from bar to bar, you’ll lose a lot of your social utility, and unless your friends need someone to help them move, you won’t be getting many invites.”

At press time, Schnellenberger’s acquaintances were devastated to learn that their friend who owned a hot tub was also planning to quit drinking.

Dammit, My Kink Got Mainstreamed Again

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Yet again, my highly specific sexual fetish has somehow become part of the zeitgeist. This is exactly the opposite of what a kink is supposed to be about! Why does this keep happening to me?!

The first time this happened, the year was 1994. I was merely a fresh-faced foot fetishist and I thought sucking on these little piggies was gonna be my kink forever. I was, like, really into toes. For real. I spent hours clipping feet out of People magazine, hoping that my next date would be open-minded. And when they weren’t, offering foot rubs to passersby on my shameful, sexy walk home.

Then Pulp Fiction came out. All of a sudden, every Tom, Dick, and Quentin had tootsie fever. Sure, I liked seeing Uma Thurman’s feet but knowing that everyone else did too made it seemed less special. Way less kinky. By the time Joss Whedon’s “Firefly” came around, feet did nothing for me anymore.

It happened again and again. I got really into latex, spending a fortune on baby powder to squeeze into highly erotic, yet completely non-breathable rubber fabric. Boom, The Matrix is released and now I feel less like “the one” and more like “the one selling used latex on Craigslist.”

Speaking of used underwear, next I got into used underwear. But then, oh hey OnlyFans, way to make my kink so accessible that it might as well be a Maxim magazine in a supermarket. Out of desperation, I even took a stab at being into people slowly, methodically, and sensually sitting on a sheet cake decorated for my birthday and smushing it into crumbs. And what happens? Some Tumblr thread goes viral and now I can’t even order a cake without getting side-eyed by some nosy baker.

Mainstream culture always tries to popularize the unique. Everything is catered to Mister and Missus Missionary Position, yet it never satisfies them. Every porno, erotic book, and piece of bathroom graffiti is geared to get them off, while it takes something dirty, forbidden, and most importantly obscure. It’s like appropriating kinks is the mainstream’s kink. Fuck. That’s hot.

Okay, fuck it. This time, I’m going to get into something so weird, specific, and potentially difficult to achieve that it has no chance of ever getting into the mainstream. It’s going to be so off-putting to the uninitiated that it might consume my life, sexuality, and friendships. If it ends up alienating everyone around me and becoming my defining feature, so be it.

I don’t know what it’s going to be yet, but I promise you this: it’s going to be hot. And probably involve bees.

Emo Singer Begs Girlfriend to Dump Him Over Voicemail so He Can Use Message as Sample

Posted on by Heather Cook

TAMPA, Fla. – Local emo singer Dacian Miron was seen in a Chipotle parking lot pathetically begging his girlfriend to dump him over voicemail so he could use the message as a sample on his band’s next release, appalled sources confirmed.

“I ghosted her for a whole week and told her she has weird boobs, but she still wanted to dump me in person because she thought that was the ‘noble’ thing to do,” said Miron. “How am I ever going to be in a league of legends with the likes of Modern Baseball and Algernon Cadwallader if I can’t get anyone to leave me a scorched-earth voicemail? There’s just no chance my album’s instrumental intro will have the same sad effect without a fiery sample of a scorned ex calling me a ‘piece of dog shit’ or something. I don’t want to put words in her mouth.”

Desiree Berman, the now ex-girlfriend of Miron, reportedly could not be fooled by his dismal efforts to obtain a convincing voicemail sample.

“I knew exactly what he was trying to do, and there was no way I was going to give him that satisfaction,” said Berman. “He was literally on his hands and knees begging me to read the break-up script he wrote. He even offered to pay my phone bill for a month and give me back all the makeup he stole from me over the last four months if I just went through with it, but any faux sad boy that still listens to Sleeping With Sirens isn’t getting a peep out of me.”

According to Dr. Marques Stanford, an expert in emotional audio mechanics at Columbia University, this kind of behavior is not rare amongst desperate emo locals.

“Dacian’s behavior in attempting to get a voicemail sample is actually quite mild compared to what other emo bands have done,” said Stanford. “Brian Sella of The Front Bottoms used a CIA-level voice changing device to make himself sound like a woman dumping him over voicemail for their song ‘Hooped Earrings.’ And it’s well known that Conor Oberst eventually bugged the houses of each one of his ex lovers hoping to get a recording of them saying something mean about him.”

When asked how he could still create an authentic sample for his album, Miron shared his plans to shoot a feature length film in order to obtain the quintessential movie quote sample.

How Roger Rabbit Set the Unrealistic Expectation I’d Score Bodacious Babes During My Bow Tie Phase

Posted on by Heather Cook

How could a floppy-eared simp like Roger Rabbit ever score a babe as iconic and sexy as Jessica Rabbit? This question has haunted me since I was a child, which is why I’ve spent years studying “Who Framed Roger Rabbit,” analyzing every move of that ridiculous cartoon rodent in hopes that I could one day win a gorgeous, buxom, smoky-voiced gal myself. I foolishly thought it all boiled down to one legendary accessory: bow ties.

Roger Rabbit made me unrealistically believe that his bona fide swag is what made him a drop-dead daddy to all the ladies. He’s basically the OG hipster! Polka dot bow tie? Overalls? Can’t hold his liquor? He’s like Joseph Gordon-Levitt if Joseph Gordon-Levitt was three feet tall and covered in pixelated bunny fur. I figured if Roger Rabbit, Bill Nye, and Peewee Herman could look deliciously hot while wearing a bow tie, then so would I, right?

Wrong.

I went to a burlesque wearing nothing but overalls without a shirt on underneath and an enormous bow tie in hopes that I’d appeal to an attractive lounge singer just like Jessica Rabbit. Big mistake. Everyone there kept telling me I look like a prepubescent Charlie Chaplin!
So, Roger Rabbit is the hero of Toontown when he wears a bow tie, but I get called a Brooklyn tryhard? What gives?

Since my bold style choice didn’t seem to be working, I went back to the drawing board. What else made Roger Rabbit such a heartthrob to his wife? He could always make her laugh!
Thus began my quest to try stand-up comedy.

I attempted Roger Rabbit’s signature physical comedy style by tripping over myself while doing vaudeville juggling. That sexy shit would have had me crushing tons of butt in the 1940s, but it turns out modern women don’t like it when you take a sip of alcohol then do a spit take in their face.

Maybe I’ve been doing it all wrong and need to be studying one of the cooler, edgier men in the film, like detective Eddie Valiant. Because if women aren’t into stand-up comedians, then they’ll definitely be into a bad boy in a fedora.

Friend’s House Smells Weird

Posted on by Mark Turner

MEDFORD, Ore. — A sleepover between longtime friends Billy Potter and Sam Cortland turned sour after the former discovered his best friend’s house smells weird, sources confirmed.

“I noticed it as soon as I walked in the door. It’s like the school cafeteria, mixed with old books and just a hint of cat litter,” said a perplexed Potter while violently sniffing the air. “No, that’s not it. It’s like the mall food court, but if it was inside a hamster cage. It’s at once familiar and alien; like I’ve stepped through a dimensional portal into a world exactly like mine, but that smells like a carpet store dipped in cheese.”

Cortland, however, vehemently denied his house had an unusual aroma.

“This is absolutely ridiculous. My house literally smells like nothing. Its smell is the absence of smell,” said a frustrated Cortland, casually lighting a cinnamon apple Yankee Candle. “If anything, it’s his house that smells weird. I’ve seen his locker and believe me, if his room is anything like that, I bet his whole house smells like a gym bag.”

Olfactory sociologist Frank Tarkington noted that what the boys are experiencing is actually an explainable phenomenon.

“I’ve specialized in urban and suburban smellscapes for the last 20 years, and you’d never believe how common this is. Our bodies produce a unique pheromonal marker that was designed evolutionarily to prevent other cavemen from entering our caves,” said a 100% serious Tarkington. “Historically, the ‘keep out’ smell, as I call it, develops into something usually resembling a library in a swamp, or like a furniture store where someone cooked fish in the break room. It’s all completely natural.”

“You know what? I’m actually noticing it less and less,” Potter added later, not wanting to let the unusual odor ruin an action-packed night of video games. “I don’t know if it’s the pizza rolls cooking in the kitchen, or Sam’s Axe Body Spray neutralizing it, but maybe I was just imagining things.”

At press time, while dropping Potter off at his home, Cortland noted that in fact it was Potter’s house that smelled “like a bucket full of gas station hot dogs at a petting zoo.”