Opinion: Take It From Me, a Fictional Strawman Invented to Score Political Points: It’s Time to Get Back to Work

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Listen, everyone. We all know this last year of Covid-19 quarantine has been tough on everyone, and those extra hundos in unemployment have been helpful. But take it from me, a fictional strawman invented to score political points: it’s time for us to get back to work.

Speaking as a hypothetical American citizen whose only opinions are those of a Congressperson eager to gain political capital, enough is enough! As members of a hard-working, productive society, we need to pull ourselves off the teat of government assistance and rebuild! Sure, an extra $300 a week may have helped put food on the table and barely staved off eviction while a deadly pandemic swept the planet, but I can assure you that there’s nothing like the deep satisfaction of clocking in at a minimum wage job.

That’s not something I’ll ever have to worry about, by the way. As an imaginary character without a name, background or any financial needs, I’m all good.

But I get it! A lot of workers out there might be nervous that without Covid-19 benefits that are being allowed to expire shortly, it will be more difficult than ever to stay safe. According to them, the best way to help staunch the spread of Covid is to make sure that citizens have the economic ability to stay out of crowded workplaces, minimize interaction with strangers and remain healthy and secure. And as a construct whose only opinions are those carefully crafted by speechwriters to maximize political longevity, I counter them with this:

That’s dumb. Everything is okay. Just go back to work. It’ll be fine.

When my great-grandfather, another imaginary person who immigrated here from a non-specific country, first came to America, he came to make sure that politicians always had someone to use as a cheap talking point. And he spent his entire non-life being utilized for manufactured anecdotes about what the “working man” wanted and what “good citizens” desired, which was to be used as cheap expendable labor until they collapsed. And you know what? He was proud to do it!

And just remember: the most important thing here is to make sure people wealthier than you never have to be inconvenienced in any way. In the end, that’s what America is all about.

Matt Skiba Starting to Regret Alkaline Trio Tattoo

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Veteran musician and Alkaline Trio founder Matt Skiba reportedly wishes he hadn’t gotten a prominent tattoo of his former band when he was younger, close friends confirmed.

“You know, back then I really thought this would be my number one band for the rest of my life,” said Skiba, who joined Blink-182 in 2015, replacing longtime member Tom DeLonge. “Make no mistake, there was a time and place where those were the songs that spoke to me. But now this tattoo represents a younger version of me, one that drank a lot and barely ever cracked a fart joke. I listen to some of those lyrics now and I’m like ‘damn, I can’t believe I thought this was cool.’ We all grow up, I guess.”

Members of Blink-182 confirmed they have seen Skiba mature in front of their eyes.

“When we met him years ago on the road, he used to bring up Satanism and substance abuse constantly, which was definitely pretty intense, but he had this way of making it palpable,” said bassist Mark Hoppus. “These days though, he just makes armpit farts and sings inside jokes with us. He’s a totally different person now. He’s no longer writing songs about wanting to murder women and bury their bodies in the river, he’s writing songs about how girls are crazy and jerking off horses. So I can see why he’d want to get some of his more embarrassing tattoos removed that remind him of his youth.”

Many tattoo artists have seen an uptick in appointments made to cover up or obscure Alkaline Trio’s trademark logo, which depicts a skull inside of a heart.

“Oh sure, I’m covering up those Alkaline Trio heart skulls all the time. Usually I only have to cover up Brand New or Morrissey tattoos, but I think people get to a certain age and realize this Alkaline Trio stuff has run its course,” said Sydney Pitts, a tattoo artist at Barton Ink. “I was probably banging out about 10 of these in a week back in the early 2000s. My entire apprenticeship was practically those things and Heartagrams. That little heart and skull has been good for me and my family.”

As of press time, Skiba had begun a coverup tattoo of his own, incorporating the Alkaline Trio heart logo on his forearm into a larger piece that reads, “I (heart) Being in Blink 182.”

/**/

Squidward Sought in Mass Shooting Incident at Krusty Krab

Posted on by Ryan Danley

BIKINI BOTTOM― Longtime cashier Squidward Tentacles is the lead suspect in a mass shooting at the Krusty Krab which left one employee dead and a restaurant manager in critical condition, law enforcement officials confirmed.

“We’re dealing with a very sick individual here. Someone who has been pushed too far. This was one of the worst scenes I’ve ever witnessed. The place was a bloody mess. One victim just kept screaming ‘my leg’ while he was wheeled out on the stretcher. The place was so shot up that we first thought there were multiple shooters. Then we realized the gunman had multiple arms,” said Sergeant Daniel Surstromming of BBPD. “We have to consider Mr. Tentacles very armed and dangerous. There was such anger and spite in this attack, I can’t see how this will be his last.”

While many residents were shocked, local lifeguard and weight lifter Larry the Lobster wasn’t surprised.

“I knew that asshole was going to break eventually. Every time I went in that place, the guy wouldn’t shut up about how terrible life was. I just wanted a damn Krabby Patty, not a sob story from some arty cephalopod dickhead,” said Lobster. “Real shame. I used to come in here after benching some serious weight, before I went out on the town to shed my shell, if you know what I mean. Guess I’m moving the party elsewhere.”

Bikini Bottom Community College Sociology Professor Julie Scrod expressed concerns that the town could see an uptick in these types of events.

“Sadly, we could have seen this coming. This town has long done very poorly with mental health. The fact is that the ocean is getting hotter, pollution is suffocating us, and food is dwindling. The people on the edge are going to start falling in,” said Scrod. “We’ve run such a punitive system that we’ve skipped out of the necessary work that it takes to give people options. Did anyone think to ask Mr. Tentacles what made him so angry? If only he’d had a friendly neighbor to turn to.”

Captain Surstromming was unavailable for further questions as Mr. Tentacles had reportedly taken a local starfish hostage.

Homemade Pipe Man’s First Apple in Decade

Posted on by Courtney Baka

CHICAGO — Local stoner Lukas James accidentally tasted his first apple in over ten years last week after using it to construct a homemade smoking device, sources concerned for his nutritional wellbeing confirmed.

“It was pretty crazy,” said James. “I couldn’t find my piece anywhere, so I remembered how we all used to make pipes as kids. I carved up the apple, brought it to my mouth and then BAM! I was hit with this flavor sensation I could never have imagined. It was sweet, kind of like a watered-down Arizona Arnold Palmer, and crunchy, but not crunchy like how Takis are crunchy. Who would have thought that fruit actually like, tastes good?”

This phenomenon is not entirely uncommon, according to nutritionist Diane Seisman.

“The majority of the average American’s fruit consumption is accidental, and that number rises dramatically among stoners,” reports Seisman. “Typically about four to five ounces annually, most of which can be attributed to garnishes in cocktails, pastry toppings, and certainly home crafted marijuana paraphernalia. Pipes are a great first step in reintroducing the concept of fruit. Edibles have also been an excellent way of sneaking nutrition in with recreational marijuana. Throw a handful of raspberries into a pot brownie, chase it with a Bloody Mary, and you’ve almost got what would qualify as a balanced meal.”

Equally surprised by the recent lifestyle change was James’ roommate, Eric Mendoza.

“I’ve been living with Lukas for about two years now and I’ve never seen him purchase a single piece of produce, or any food that’s not beige, for that matter,” Mendoza reported. “I guess for a while he was really into Toaster Strudel, but that was as healthy as he got. I’m pretty sure his body has learned to metabolize vitamin C from Starburst, so this is a really big deal. I hope he doesn’t have a reaction or something.”

At press time, James had made a one-hitter out of a baby carrot, a water bong out of a pineapple, and was “even thinking about eating some, maybe tomorrow.”

Beyond Vietnam: 3 Other Times Ted Nugent Got Out of an Obligation by Shitting His Pants

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

The Thin White Duke. Aladdin Sane. Ziggy Stardust. None of these nicknames describes Ted Nugent, a man primarily known for his chest-thumping patriotism, as well as that time he shirked his patriotic duties and publicly shit his pants to avoid Vietnam. However, this wasn’t the only time Nugent resorted to debasing himself in order to escape an obligation.

There’s nothing more American than getting out of something you don’t want to do by any means necessary. Here are three stories of rock star Ted Nugent shitting his pants.

1. The Time He Was Accused of Being a Pedophile

While Nugent has written many timeless classics, including “Wang Dang Sweet Poontang” and “Yank Me, Crank Me,” one catalog standout is the early ‘80s hit “Jailbait,” a 100% real song in which Ted Nugent sings about wanting to have sex with underage girls. Nugent has been accused of preying on children many times, even admitting to it on “Behind the Music.” And Ted also nearly met his maker after being confronted by the father of one of the girls subjected to his pedophilic advances. When the father threatened to stab Ted, Nugent immediately started crying “Wah, wah, I can’t be a pwedophi-uhe, I too young. Me baby. Change my diapey, Daddy.” Nugent then churned apple butter in his camo shorts and sucked his thumb until the father left.

2. The Time with the Bear

Ted Nugent is famously a huge fan of bow hunting deer. Because what’s more manly than shooting defenseless herbivores in the neck from over 120 feet away? However, during one such “Nuge Dude” excursion, the Motor City Mad Gentleman bit off more than he could chew when he was attacked by a bear. Nugent’s keen cowardly instincts kicked in and he immediately shit his pants. When that failed to generate any sympathy from the apex predator, Ted dropped to his knees, shouting “I’ll suck your bear dick, bear” while making kissy kissy noises. The bear, an animal not particularly known for its emotional intelligence, was so embarrassed by the entire incident that he just sort of shuffled off and refused to discuss what happened with the rest of his den.

3. The Time on Stage with Then-President Donald Trump

President Trump and Ted Nugent were great fans of one another, with Trump even briefly nominating Nugent Secretary of Agriculture during a Sudafed bender. However, the two had a falling out after a 2020 rally in Michigan. As everyone knows, Trump would famously cap off his drug- and spite-fueled rally rants by screaming, “Here’s what I think of the Democrats!” and absolutely blowing out his pants with shit, much to the delight of hundreds of cheering fans. But Nugent so happened to be on stage this particular evening, and had just eaten, like, 12 Coney dogs. What followed was a veritable poop chute chess match as two of the all-time great self-defecators attempted to outdo the other by firing off the most impressive and presumptuous butt burrito. The bum slug stalemate finally ended after a pale and exhausted Trump passed out into the orchestra pit, with only a four-foot-high pile of his own dookie bombs to break his fall. Historians believe the incident single-handedly lost Michigan for Trump.

Nu-Metal Fan Whose JNCOs Inflated Like Parachute Only Survivor in Plane Crash

Posted on by Michael Luis

VANCOUVER — Nu-metal fan and dedicated JNCO jeans wearer Chad Willis was the only surviving passenger of a plane crash that left 85 dead after his comically oversized pants served as a de facto parachute, astonished sources confirmed.

“I heard a big bang and then I blacked out. I guess the engine blew up and we started going down,” said Willis of the crash. “Next thing I know I’m free-falling, then I hear this heavy ‘poof’ sound and everything slowed down. I looked up and my pants were all puffy. I got made fun of for wearing my JNCOs all the time by my friends, parents, and most of the staff of the plane as I got on, but the joke’s on them now. These pants saved my life! I had tickets to see Limp Bizkit play in Sacramento, so I’m pumped I still get to go.”

Onlookers were shocked to see the man slowly descend from the sky before landing safely on a nearby beach.

“We saw this ball of fire falling into the ocean, and we were all totally freaking out,” said local man Graham Peterson. “And then we see this blue blob, with what I’m pretty sure was a fuzzy dice patch sewn onto it, slowly floating toward us. My mind was racing wondering if it was some terrorist attack or like, alien invasion or something. But then this guy in giant pants with frosted tips landed like six feet in front of us and asked us if we could play some Korn on our beach speaker. He must have been in total shock.”

JNCO co-founder Haim Milo Revah provided condolences to the families of the crash’s victims, but also acknowledged that his product could save a life.

“When I designed the first JNCOs people thought I was crazy, but we were a phenomenon in the ‘90s,” said Revah of his famously wide-bottomed jeans. “We may be responsible for the loss of countless sex lives during that time, but today our front scoop-adorned design saved one. We appreciate still having our dedicated fans even if the jeans aren’t flying off shelves the way they used to. Hmmm. Flying. I think I have an idea.”

At press time, Willis was named the official spokesperson for JNCO’s new “Every Airport Needs a JNCO Store” campaign.

Secrets Revealed! Rob Zombie Confirms His “Munsters” Reboot Will Establish That Herman’s Dick Came From a Wolfman

Posted on by Dan Rice

When Rob Zombie re-booted the “Halloween” franchise, he subverted expectations by taking the story’s central mystery (“why does Michael Myers kill?”) and painstakingly/joylessly providing a plausible explanation, instead of a fun horror movie! Now the ruining-stuff auteur is looking to do the same with his upcoming “Munsters” reboot!

Vampires, Frankensteins and spooky-ass surf rock, “The Munsters” had it all. Riding the last wave of the Universal Monster films’ popularity, “The Munsters” was a slightly ahead-of-its-time satire of late ‘50s to early ‘60s wholesome family television. While the show’s overall campy-ness has helped it maintain somewhat of a cult status to this day, it’s yet to enjoy a second life comparable to “The Addams Family.” Zombie hopes to change all of that through excessive violence, depictions of rape and a total lack of mystery and intrigue!

One of the show’s quirks is the fact that Eddie Munster, the son of Herman (Frankenstein’s Monster) and Lilly (a vampire) appears to be a wolf-boy for some reason. Zombie already has an iron-clad explanation for this mystery:

“First thing we’re gonna do is show that when Herman Munster was sewn together from dead body parts, his dick was taken from the body of a guy who was a werewolf,” explained Zombie in an AMA about the project. “That’s why his son is part werewolf, even though he’s technically half Frankenstein’s monster and half daughter of Dracula.”

Eddie isn’t the only character having his origins tediously over-explained. Zombie hopes to establish that Lilly was a product of incest, Herman killed his own creator after reading “Paradise Lost” and Marilyn, while seemingly a normal, attractive young woman, has an insatiable urge to kill that terrifies the rest of the family. Pretty ambitious for what the studio is expecting to be a 90-minute family comedy.

In addition to clarifying the back story for each main character, Zombie also hopes to inject a dose of reality into the once-campy franchise, particularly in areas where doing so will be a huge bummer.

“If you pay attention to the show, they establish that Grandpa Munster is in fact Count Dracula. My film will highlight his inherent sadism. This guy wouldn’t be spooking girl scouts away from the front door by mistake, he would be impaling their heads on the front gate! I mean, that’s just a ‘for instance,’ but it is in the movie.”

Despite the “not your grandpa’s (blank)” attitude that permeates his film career, Zombie isn’t without a sense of nostalgia. He promises that the film will contain several homages to his own earlier work. “We will reference the fact that Grandpa Munster built the Dragula car, conservatively, 47 times in this 90-minute film.”

Man Looking for Casual Way to Ask if Niece’s Birthday Party is BYOB

Posted on by Ted Pillow

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Daniel Powers is searching for an acceptable way to find out if his niece’s upcoming birthday party will be BYOB or if alcohol will be provided, according to concerned sources tired of telling him that no one actually uses flasks anymore.

“If you ask me, this is on my sister for poor planning,” Powers explained. “Now I need to come up with a way to find out what the hell is the deal with this party. She spent like, three paragraphs in the email on COVID precautions, but nothing on the booze situation. At first I figured that meant open bar, but everybody I’ve asked says the best case scenario is probably a cooler with a few stray Coors Lights. Guess I’ll have to pregame like crazy and coast on that until the afterparty.”

Many of Powers’s friends have warned his sister, Morgan Davidson, about his concerns regarding the upcoming SpongeBob-themed children’s party.

“Typical Danny, turning everything into a frat party,” Davidson said while filling up a Squidward piñata with candy. “I mean, this is an event for children that’s scheduled from 1 to 3 p.m. We’re playing musical chairs and eating cake, not doing keg stands and fistfighting the neighbors. He better not fuck this up like the time he showed up two hours late to Nonna’s 80th birthday and somehow convinced all the ladies in her gin rummy club to go in on a gram with him.”

Although children’s parties typically don’t involve alcohol, many etiquette experts advise that it’s better to explicitly state that in the invitation.

“Most people safely assume that a party where the main attraction is a couple of guys in SpongeBob and Patrick costumes won’t serve alcohol,” noted nationally syndicated advice columnist Elizabeth Taylor-Davies. “But, nonetheless, it’s best to err on the side of caution and clearly state whether or not guests are welcome to bring alcohol. Unfortunately, thousands of children’s parties are ruined each year by aunts and uncles showing up with a bunch of Natty Lights and unsolicited opinions about current events, which is completely preventable.”

As of press time, Powers had decided on bringing a bag full of Bud heavies and, if confronted, just playing it off as a birthday gift.

5 Summer Cocktails That Will Make You Say “Okay, Tomorrow I Stop Killing Myself”

Posted on by Dan Rice

For many of us the past year has been the hardest in living memory, and in times of turmoil it’s all the more easy to find solace in a bottle. If you have a predisposition towards substance abuse, chances are you were lucky to see 2021. But times are changing!

With vaccination returning life to normalcy and the beautiful summer weather ahead of us, you may think now is the perfect time to get clean, get healthy, and get your life back on track. Boring! Here are 5 delicious summer drink recipes so amazeballs that they will completely derail those aspirations and trap you right back in the same old pattern of self abuse and neglect!

The Tequila Sunset
This bad boy ain’t no brunch drink! A deceptively powerful cocktail, this one’s all about becoming acquainted with summer nights. Just one sip and you’ll be saying to yourself “Jesus, will I ever break out of this fucking cycle?”
2oz Tequila
3oz Cheaper Tequila
2oz Sunny D
0.5oz Red Dye #5
4oz Cheapest Tequila
12oz Simple Syrup
-Stir over ice and serve in a pineapple or some shit

Do It Tomorrow
Bailing on self-care never tasted so good! This colorful and irresistible concoction will have you saying “Ah fuck it, what’s one more night of destroying my liver gonna do?” over and over again!
1oz Grey Goose Vodka
1oz DeKuyper Island Punch Schnapps
0.5oz Cointreau
2oz Dry Gin
3oz Jack Daniel’s Honey Whiskey
Every Intention To Stop Doing This To Yourself
Cough Syrup (to taste)
-Without measuring, pour ingredients haphazardly into red solo cup until full

God-Knows-What On The Beach
Did you have sex last night? Did you fight someone? Hard to say. All you’ll know the morning after you cave and indulge in this summer favorite is that you are sore, horribly sunburned and full of sand.
750ml Bottle Peach Schnapps
Funnel
Carefully Constructed Plan To Start Living The Clean Life (discard)

The Johnson & Johnson
Much like the Covid vaccine for which it’s named, you only need one! This tantalizing and potent libation is guaranteed to make your body inhospitable to any foreign body, and quite possibly your organs!
2oz 99 Bananas
2oz Dry Gin
1.8ml Johnson & Johnson brand Covid-19 Vaccine
6 more oz 99 Bananas
-Shake vigorously over ice, garnish with syringe

Pills
Okay, not actually a drink, not actually summer themed and frankly a huge step backwards in your personal self-improvement goals, but fuck it, you’re drunk!
8oz Spring Water
Some Pills

White Men Talking Over Women at Show Mistaken For Punk Band

Posted on by Holly Woodstock

REINLANDER, Wisc. — A group of white men were mistaken for the headlining band of a local show early yesterday evening after immediately zeroing in on the few women in attendance and talking over them, according to sources.

“Me and Lex [Lopez] — she’s the one who owns the house — and some of the other ladies were trying to let people know that the headliner was running late, when these guys showed up and started talking about their parking spot,” said Lindsay Klein, one of the women in question. “I mean, four entitled white guys in black jeans who wouldn’t shut the fuck up? Everybody just assumed they must be one of the bands.”

Eyewitnesses who were also fooled at first eventually caught on.

“I mean, pretty much as soon as they walked in, two of them walked up to a group of people standing in a circle talking and edged those women out of the way, including the owner, which is like, Band Guy 101 type shit,” said showgoer and venue regular, Danny Gladden. “But there was one crucial error on their part that tipped me off: the women they did gravitate toward looked like they could have been 25, maybe even 27 years old. No band guy would aim for anyone who looks over 20.”

After the actual headliner’s arrival, band members were not particularly pleased by the situation unfolding.

“Look, I’m all for feminism. I’ve read Goldman, but I think we can all agree the biggest tragedy here tonight was that these girls clearly don’t know how to do their job, which is to make sure people are looking at me,” said Johnny Bourgeois and The Guillotines frontman Tony “Truck” Tucker. “How is it that not a single person even noticed that we walked in? I mean, game recognize game, these guys clearly had charisma. But just ‘cause we got there two hours late and our guitarist was blackout drunk doesn’t give them the right to steal our thunder.”

At press time, Johnny Bourgeois And The Guillotines were feeling conflicting emotions after many called it one of their best sets ever.