Ted Mosby’s Weed Brand Side Effects Include Nine Years of Whining and Self-Pity

Posted on by Ken Taro

NEW YORK — Ted Mosby launched a cannabis brand this week called Archi-THC, which boasts it will make every user more of a whiny, self-pitying, beta male with each use, confirmed three or four people, as well as the bouncer at MacLaren’s pub.

“My product is more than just marijuana,” pontificated the pretentious sad sack Mosby. “It’s a symphony of flavors, a dazzling symbiosis of human and flora, an orgasmic experience that stretches to every corner of the cosmos. The type of weed you could waste nine seasons telling your kids about. It also pairs perfectly with authentic coq au vin and a Burgundy wine from just West of the Saône. To top off the evening, you must read Dante Alighieri’s ‘Divine Comedy,’ in its native Italian, of course.”

Despite Mosby’s best efforts and painfully annoying attention to detail, consumers reported that other, unforseen side effects had begun to surface.

“Ever since I smoked it, I haven’t stopped complaining,” said Ronald Rice, one of Archi-THC’s first customers. “I have also started pronouncing words such as ‘encyclopedia’ very pretentiously. Another thing I’ve noticed is that I have an overwhelming urge to get married and have kids despite being in my twenties and getting laid constantly. Last night, I got so high I became convinced I was in love with this girl I saw in the hallway for three seconds in second grade. I may have to look her up and destroy any joy she’s experiencing for my own selfish desires.”

Mosby’s lawyer and best friend, Marshall Eriksen, said he would handle the legal implications of Archi-THC’s side effects.

“I’ve been studying Big Tobacco cases, so I’m sure I’ll find a way to keep us out of trouble,” said Eriksen, a graduate of Columbia Law School and lead singer of law-themed fusion band The Funk, The Whole Funk, and Nothing but the Funk. “Quite frankly, I don’t really care about the business. I just use every excuse I can to say ‘lawyered.’”

At press time, Mosby’s friend and the subject of several ongoing sexual assault investigations Barney Stinson has launched a marijuana brand, Buds Before Duds, which will certainly steal all of Mosby’s customers and become much more popular and memorable.

National Spelling Bee Slowly but Surely Running Out of Words

Posted on by Cory Cousins

CINCINNATI — Organizers of the National Spelling Bee expressed serious concerns this week after learning that the highly-regarded competition is in serious danger of running out of words eventually, sources close to the event confirm.

“This is our Doomsday scenario,” stated National Spelling Bee chairperson, Elisabeth Speier. “True, we will not run out of words tomorrow or even next year, but I urge everyone to consider the world you’re leaving for your grandchildren and great-grandchildren. We need to conserve as many words as possible to avoid this cataclysm. I mean, disaster. Sorry about that.”

As a counterpoint to the National Spelling Bee council’s plea for moderation of difficult words, some are not as enthusiastic about the recent push toward word conservatism.

“You want to know what I think about all of this word drought fear mongering?” asked infamous 12-year-old bad boy of the Spelling Bee world, Samit Patel. “I think it’s a pile of horseshit, that’s what! Sorry, I mean manure. M-A-N-U-R-E. Is that easy enough for you Spelling Bee council simpletons? Jesus, it’s like I’m dealing with a bunch of children here.”

With doubts arising about the authenticity of the National Spelling Bee’s recent assertions about eventual word evaporation, the editor and lead wordsmith of the Oxford English Dictionary, Bancroft Heathcote-Drummond-Willoughby, commented on the veracity of the allegations.

“I’m afraid we cannot discount the recent reports coming out from the National Spelling Bee council,” lamented Heathcote-Drummond-Willoughby. “I’ve been over the dictionary with a fine-tooth comb time and time again, and when compared with the words used in previous years for the Spelling Bee competitions, it does seem that there are now less words that can be used. My suspicion is that after this year’s spelling event, there will be even less words available for use. Where does it end? Are we to start making up words? These options need to be perused. I mean, examined. Apologies.”

Following the subsequent Spelling Bee council assemblage, constituents ratiocinated that circumscribing corivals’ potentiality to reconnoiter neoteric and untested lexemes was both capricious and ignominious.

I Just Want Someone To Love Me Like a Weezer Fan Hates Weezer

Posted on by Eric Navarro

To me, passion is the most important part of a relationship. At the beginning of a relationship, it’s passion that makes you feel on top of the world. If that passion fades, the relationship fades as well. We are all worthy of having that kind of passion in a relationship. Me specifically, though. That’s why I refuse to settle down until I find someone who loves me with the same passion that every single Weezer fan has for hating Weezer.

Self-love is important. But I already love myself as intensely as the Weezer fanbase hates Weezer, so now I’m seeking that validation from someone else.

For non-Weezer fans out there like me (I’m not a real fan, I only kinda dislike them), a relationship with no passion is similar to how we view Weezer’s discography. Sure, the other person seems great at first. Probably because they’re only showing you their good side. Pretty soon they start to let the cracks show, and you might find out they used to sext with a Japanese teen via snail mail. Sure, when you call them out on it, they may come crawling back with an attempted return to form, but pretty soon you realize every one of their guitar solos is just a recycled verse melody. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

Now, in most cases, this is where the relationship ends. The passion is gone, so no one is going to fight to keep this thing alive. But not for a Weezer fan. A Weezer fan has passion for hating Weezer. A Weezer fan doesn’t dismiss “Raditude.” They seethe over it with an obsession unlike any other. They will not leave this toxic relationship. They will stay in it until both parties die or release a passable non-cover single. That’s the kind of passion I want. But, ya know, non-toxic.

I hope we can all find the kind of passion I’m talking about here. I know I will. My journey has taken me far and wide, and I believe I’ve finally come to the place where I will meet the love of my life. So if anyone in this Weezer shitposting group lives within 40 miles of Cary, North Carolina, hit me up.

Nu Metal Boy Scout Only Knows Slipknot

Posted on by Michael Luis

MADISON, Wis. — 14-year-old nu metal fan and novice Boy Scout Calvin Nelson is reportedly only interested in learning about the slipknot, frustrated sources confirmed.

“We teach our scouts several knots that will help them in the wilderness, such as the trucker’s hitch, the bowline, and the sheet bend,” explained Scout leader Tim Horwood. “But Calvin had only heard of the slipknot, which he wanted to learn exclusively. He also told me that Jordy Jordison is better than Jay Weinberg, whatever that means, and asked if he could wear a clown mask and hit a keg with a baseball bat when we sing campfire songs. I had to explain to him that there’s no reason we would ever have a keg, and there’s no badge for that.”

Nelson’s mother, Anita Nelson, said that she and Calvin’s father had hoped that signing him up for the Boy Scouts of America would curb his nu metal obsession.

“It all started when Calvin came home from the mall wearing a backwards red baseball cap. I offered him some freshly baked cookies and he told me to stick them up my rear end, only he said something much worse than ‘rear end,’” said Mrs. Nelson. “He also asked me if he could get tickets to the Mudvayne reunion for his birthday. I looked it up and they originally broke up when he was three. How does he even know about this stuff?”

The younger Nelson was adamant that “this is not a phase,” and that he would continue to blend his love of nu metal with being a Boy Scout.

“I thought I was going to hate being a Scout,” said Calvin while drawing a tribal design on his arm with a marker. “But the cargo shorts are great, and we get to be filthy all the time. When I found out there was a slipknot, I knew I was probably going to like this. We were also told we could pick symbolic animal names. I picked Maggot, obviously.”

At press time, Nelson had been sent home to his family after a heated fight with a shoegaze-obsessed Scout over who gets to claim Deftones.

Incredible: This Guy With a Goatee Never Heard of Disturbed

Posted on by Theo Konstantino

Normally with goatee guys, certain behaviors are expected: drive past a school yard too many times, stalk your ex-wife, drink Coors Light and listen to Disturbed in your car on lunch breaks. These are all hurtful stereotypes of course, but they have been 100% accurate since 1997 — that is, until now.

Meet Ben “Bubba” Berkman, a vegan jazz enthusiast and the head of IT at a nonprofit children’s literacy outreach. Bubba does not listen to the band Disturbed, and not because he’s some contrarian trying to subvert expectations (another goatee trait) — he’s never even heard of them.

Meeting Bubba was like meeting an uncontacted aboriginal tribe in the middle of a Denny’s. I kept asking if he had a raised 4×4 or a hot rod and he looked at me like I was speaking in tongues. I played “Down With The Sickness” and he called it “Irreverent to the point of senselessness. A step back for music as a whole.” He suggested I check out Rachmaninoff’s Third.

He didn’t even know what salvia was. People came up to him and kept asking if he knew where to find Sally-D. He got mad and said he doesn’t know anyone by that name.

We all know that goatee guy split from homo sapiens sometime in the mid to late ‘90s, but the existence of Bubba suggests the split may have been more of a fork in the genetic road. Bubba could very well be a missing link between man and highly specific beard. But why is there only one Bubba and so many of the goatee guys we typically encounter?

When I asked Bubba if he abandoned any kids he looked at me and said “I guffaw at your statement.” He went on to explain that he was waiting until he achieved higher financial stability before even considering finding someone to have a child with. Perhaps this is why Bubbas Erectus, as I have named the branch, is so rare. They represent a branch of the goatee tree that did not inherit the reckless procreation traits of their more successful, Disturbed listening cousins.

We are all accustomed to seeing a goatee as a sexual crop circle that let’s everyone know you lost custody and you’re ready to fuckin’ party. At best, they can be viewed as tributes to the greatest athlete/entertainer of our time: Stone Cold Steve Austin

It’s a symbol for dipshits with Punisher tattoos that don’t know Punisher hates cops. Bubba is changing all that. Bringing nuance to a style associated with shotgunning Natural Ice.

And that’s the bottom line.

Newly Uncovered Gregorian Chant from 1592 Somehow Co-Written by Jack Antonoff

Posted on by Zach Raffio

OURAY, Col. — Researchers at the Ouray Audiology Research Facility were equally thrilled and confused that a recently discovered Gregorian chant from 1592 somehow has a co-writing credit by prolific writer and producer Jack Antonoff.

“We thought it was odd that they included credits at all, but we were even more shocked when we saw Jack’s name. We knew this guy had his fingers in a lot of pies, but we never could have guessed his involvement in the music scene nearly five centuries ago,” noted researcher Megan Gutterez, whose jaw dropped again after she finished calculating royalties Antonoff has collected from the track. “He co-wrote the track with a monk named Hubb and several ghosts of the 1592 London plague. Sounds like a pretty stacked room, to be honest.”

Researchers also found notes from the session, which were written on tattered cloth so thin it was practically melting, that contained several other surprising details.

“Love the way the track’s coming together, but a little worried about clearing the sample, which is, of course, just parts of another Gregorian chant,” reads the text of a diary entry assumed to be in Hubb’s surprisingly gorgeous handwriting. “Jack has been a great addition to the team, even though he mostly just stares at a glowing tablet all day. Regardless, I’m excited to finish up and get this one on Soundcloud — which is when we look up and yell our songs into the clouds.”

Antonoff, who was writing a new Taylor Swift track with one hand, producing a Carly Rae Jepsen single with the other, and putting the finishing touches on a new Springsteen collab via blinking somehow, admitted he was surprised that this early work resurfaced.

“Oh yeah, that was a fun day. Good snacks too, mostly just various bison parts and a weird wine that tasted like warm Capri Sun,” stated Antonoff, who finished producing an entire new Lana Del Ray album between the start and end of that sentence. “It was really an honor to win a Grammy for the track, which in those days just meant they gave me a gram of slate to help build my family a chapel.”

At press time, researchers at the nearby Colorado Center of Ornithology were scratching their heads over the discovery that Antonoff also played a substantial part in writing the species’ very first bird song.

I’m “Jessie’s Girl” and I’m Here to Say I Don’t Know Who Either of Those Guys Are

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Okay, this is important, everyone: I’m the girl from “Jessie’s Girl,” and I’m here to say that I don’t know who either of those guys who were talking about me are. I’m super freaked out by all this.

I was in the supermarket the other day, just doing regular grocery shopping, when I heard it. From the first moments of that distinctive guitar riff, hairs stood up on the back of my neck. Something about it just resonated with me, and not in a good way. Then, when the singer started talking about his friend getting a girl and wanting to make her his, I realized: this song is about me. I’m “Jessie’s Girl.” But what really creeped me out was that I have no idea who this “Rick Springfield” or his so-called friend “Jessie” are.

Now I feel like I’m constantly being watched. Who knows how long this Rick and Jessie have been watching me? Have they been following me? Any two men could be them: the guy in skinny jeans and puffy jacket moping around my house, the man in the poorly-fitted double breasted suit and white sneakers who I saw dancing in an alley, even the dog I saw sitting by itself in a nearly deserted movie theater. I don’t trust that dog.

I can’t rest. I can’t sleep. I walked by a brick wall the other day, and someone had messily spray-painted “JESSIE’S GIRL” across the whole thing. I nearly vomited. I felt like I was in a horror movie. I’m even beginning to see things. Last night I was so restless, I went to the bathroom to splash water on my face and when I looked in the mirror, for a second, I could have sworn I saw a skinny guy in an a-shirt playing guitar behind me. I screamed so loudly the neighbors came to check on me.

And the thing that worries me the most? These two guys don’t even seem to like each other, at least according to that fucking song! If these two are supposedly friends, but one of them is constantly working to undermine and betray the other, what might they do to me? It’s terrifying.

I’m so worried, I can’t even stay at my apartment. I’m too scared to be alone. For now, I’m going to go and stay with my friend Stacy’s mom. There’s sure to be no creeps there.

Police Academy Graduation Reminds Students It’s Been a Long Hard Six Weeks

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — Cadets of the Chicago Police Academy were reminded of the exhausting six weeks of training they endured in order to become full-fledged police officers, sources at the graduation ceremony confirmed.

“When I first decided to enroll at the Academy, I didn’t realize that I would have to dedicate upwards of four hours a day, for nearly 45 days, in order to achieve my dream of swinging my dick around,” said new graduate Todd Moore. “There were two entire days of nothing but listening to lectures before I even got to fire a gun. I can’t tell you how many times I snoozed off while some wack lib type was talking about ‘de-escalation’ and ‘being a guardian, rather than a warrior.’ This was easily the most grueling experience of my life. The only thing that was even close to this was the eight days I was suspended from my high school football team for killing a bird with a golf club during gym class.”

Moore’s cousin Chuck Richards was in attendance, and said he was happy to finally have a family member that can get him out of speeding tickets and parking violations.

“It’s amazing that Todd made it all the way through training,” said Richards. “His whole life, he’s had problems focusing on anything long-term and frankly, his grades were shit in high school because he spent most of his free time picking fights with kids that lived in a foster home at the end of his block. And he has a real hair-trigger temper, so it’s especially impressive that he managed to go a whole six weeks without attacking an instructor, like he did in sophomore Biology.”

“I remember his first day of training,” added Richards. “I had just gotten a haircut and as I saw him up there on stage graduating, it made me think I’m about due for another. Six weeks is really something, you know?”

Sergeant Dan Withers sympathized with the graduating class.

“Those cadets worked damn hard,” said Sergeant Withers while deleting body cam footage. “There is a lot of talk about ‘police reform’ these days and it makes me sick. The critics don’t realize that six weeks is almost one third of a football season. I’m just glad that these fine young men and women can take to the streets knowing they have all the training they will ever need, except for maybe a weekend seminar if some dumbass resists arrest and gets themselves killed.”

As of press time, Officer Moore had arrested a Black man for jaywalking within 37 minutes of beginning his first shift, a new precinct record.

We Sat Down With Some of the Other Guys From NIN, Because Who Knows, One of Them Might Be My Dad

Posted on by Johnny Sparkles

Nine Inch Nails have had a historic career. We could talk about their music for days, but I was never a fan. My mom spent her younger days in the Cleveland music scene, so growing up hearing about how great they were all the time turned me off.

When an opportunity to talk to Trent Reznor landed on my desk, I said no, because he sucks, but it opened a door I’ve waited way too long to walk through. I’m convinced one of the eight other Nails is my dad. My mom has hinted at it over the years, and there’s no way she landed Trent. So I sought the other guys out to get the dirt.

First, I tried touching base with James Woolley, but it turns out he died, so we met with Richard Patrick, who agreed to the interview if he could talk about Filter. Nobody wants to read that article, so we moved onto Chris Vrenna, longtime touring drummer, who kinda maybe has my chin?

The Hard Times: I know you spent lots of time in Chicago, but you started playing with Trent in Cleveland sometime in the ‘80s. Those must have been some wild times.

Chris Vrenna: Haha, Yeah I guess you could say that.

I must know, do you remember a Stephanie Shield?

Sounds familiar. Was she in a band we played with, or…?

Let’s just say she kept busy back then. Did you have a lot of groupies?

I wouldn’t use that word, no. I mean don’t get me wrong, they were pretty crazy times! I was young, free, and-

Do you remember having sex with one around mid-November 1993?

That’s pretty specific, but ’93 was a big year for me, so probably.

Let me look at you for a minute.

Um, okay…

Was your mom’s dad bald?

Never really met ’em.

How’s your heart? Any issues with high blood pressure or diabetes in your family? Allergies?

I’ve kept my temple pretty clean lately.

Where have you been for the last 27 years?

All over. Toured with the Nails. Worked with all the greats of our generation.

My life was too empty to have that much fun.

Ah, I guess that’s how NIN came into your life.

More like came in my mom’s life.

Okay. I kinda thought this was going to be about my music career?

Right, no, of course. Let’s talk Type O Negative?

Tight band.

Is that your blood type?

I…

You ever put on eyeliner and destroy machines when you’re mad?

That was Trent’s thing.

Shit, do you have his number?

I don’t think he would ah… no, no I don’t.

Hugs?

My Uber’s here.

I need a hair sample.

Glad you enjoyed the songs… Take care!

Wait, let’s just play catch and see how it feels okay? It’s not weird, I do this with all my interviews! Les Claypool, hell of a catch player! Chris? Can you hear me? Chris?

Vaccinated Woman Celebrates with Rock Bottom Standards

Posted on by Courtney Baka

DENVER — Local woman Caitlin Baker recently celebrated her fully vaccinated status by dropping her dating standards to an all-time low, concerned friends and family confirmed.

“Dating this past year has been so hard. In addition to watching all my friends in happy relationships quarantine with their stupid partners, I’ve had to completely reevaluate my screening process for potential dates,” said Baker while blindly swiping right on Tinder. “I thought I had low standards before the pandemic, but now it’s truly ‘anything goes.’ Before COVID, I at least tried to date men with jobs. Now I’ll consider any guy even if he’s almost 40 and still wears band shirts, has a Hinge account, and gets all his news from Joe Rogan. No car? No apartment? No problem.”

One of Baker’s dates, Justin Kulp, said he has benefitted from the sudden drops in standards.

“Yeah, dating during the pandemic has been a little weird I guess,” recalled Kulp. “For a while we couldn’t have dates in bars, and I had to wear a mask sometimes. I thought I’d never get laid again. But now the girls I’ve been going out with seem to keep getting hotter, and I haven’t had to do anything. I’ve had multiple dates with gorgeous women and it’s all because a deadly pandemic made them realize how short life can be, and that being alone is actually worse than being with a guy whose gums bleed every time he drinks coffee.”

Willingness to sacrifice standards for the sake of post-pandemic dating is not uncommon, according to public health nurse spokesperson Miranda Newsom.

“The American people are horny and ready to return to their pre-pandemic promiscuity levels,” said Newsom. “We in the healthcare community would like to remind everyone that, although the vaccine is excellent at preventing COVID-19, it does not prevent any sexually transmitted infections or unintentional entanglements. We urge Americans to continue using protection during sexual encounters and to return to their pre-COVID date screening processes. We don’t want anyone to end up in a relationship with someone who was supposed to be a celebratory booty call.”

At press time, Baker was overheard telling her best friend that she’s excited for a date this Friday night with a man who was juggling in his profile picture.