Punk Tearfully Shoots Tour Van With Broken Axle

Posted on by Mark Hassenfratz

ALLENTOWN, Pa. — Local punk Maddie Conyard tied her beloved tour van to a tree and shot it yesterday after it suffered a broken axle, effectively putting it out of its own misery.

“I just couldn’t take seeing Betty in so much pain,” said Conyard of her beloved Ford Econoline while wiping away a tear. “She was screaming and could barely move. Poor girl. I told her I was sorry and that I loved her, and then I put a slug right in her engine block. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but she’s in the big grocery store parking lot in the sky now.”

Witnesses reported hearing a gunshot, followed by Conyard’s howl of anguish after she hit a large pothole on Barlow Lane.

“Betty was a beloved part of the Allentown punk scene. The old girl was such a sweetheart; everybody is gonna miss her so much,” recalled Conyard’s bandmate Jane Blanchard. “We had so many good times with her — she took us everywhere on our first east coast tour with Bad Newsies. She went all the way from Philly to Buffalo on half a tank of gas, can you believe that? Nothing’s gonna be the same without her.”

Many shared in Conyard’s grief.

“I know exactly what Maddie is going through,” said Rabbit Teeth bassist Tim Gussman. “I had to put my Volvo wagon, Brandi, down last summer — she was getting too old and her floor had finally rusted all the way through. It’s sad, but it was her time.”

“Some of the younger kids in the scene asked about Betty the other day, and I didn’t have the heart to tell them Maddie had put her down,” admitted drummer Keeghan Tofler. “I told them we drove her up to a big junkyard upstate, where she can play with all the other tour vans. They keep asking when we can go see her, and I don’t know what to tell them.”

At press time, mourners were smashing Betty’s windows and spray painting graffiti on her sides, as “that’s what she would have wanted.”

40-Year-Old Punk Expecting Too Much From New Shoe Inserts

Posted on by Alice Lahoda

SEATTLE — Aging punk Tia Cantor was reportedly thrilled with the “life changing” new shoe inserts she received as a 40th birthday present, sources confirmed.

“I’m pretty fucking stoked, man. Lately, it’s just been one failing body part after another. The lower back pain was bad enough, but then I woke up on my 38th birthday and couldn’t turn my head to the left. That’s just the norm for me now! No one warned me that spines just sorta stop working over time,” lamented Cantor. “So when I saw some guy on American Ninja Warrior rave about how much shoe inserts helped with his flexibility and agility, I knew I needed a pair of my own. This summer’s gonna be all kick-flips and stage dives.”

Cantor’s wife, Christine, was less certain her summer would go as planned.

“Tia built up the magic of these shoe inserts in her head, but I don’t think they’ll live up to her expectations. After all, that Ninja Warrior is a 27-year-old former college athlete, and Tia spent her twenties as an ‘unofficial’ roadie who mostly slept in the backs of vans and sometimes in the fronts of vans,” Christine explained. “I hope I’m wrong, but honestly, I’ll consider it a win if she can just do yard work again without exacerbating her sciatica.”

Meanwhile, Cantor’s friends wished her success with her new shoe inserts, to a certain extent.

“She’ll be fucking intolerable if these inserts are a a legit cure-all,” complained Steven Santiago, Cantor’s friend of over twenty years. “Her back and neck pain keep her humble. I don’t want this to be like the time she took up yoga for a month in 2019. She was impossible to be around. I thank Joey Ramone every day for the hurricane that flooded that yoga studio before it could get worse.”

At press time, Cantor reported that she hadn’t put the new shoe inserts in her Vans yet because “bending down hurts my back. That’s why I have slip-ons in the first place.”

Photo by Senny Mau.

Fan Who Won’t Pay For Band’s Music or Merch Can’t Believe They Would Sell Out and Put Song in Commercial

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Local Vampire Weekend fan Archie Poole felt betrayed, confused, and saddened this week after hearing the music of his so-called “favorite band” in a Target commercial even though he has not spent money on the band’s music, merch, or tours, annoyed friends of Poole report.

“What a bunch of fucking sellouts. If I owned any of their albums, I would burn them,” said Poole after seeing the offending commercial. “Oh, I’m sorry that my Spotify streams don’t pay enough to support their lavish lifestyles. It just goes to show you that there aren’t any real artists out there anymore, bands that do it for the love of music and not for the money. If I had a band or could play a musical instrument, you’d be damn certain I wouldn’t let some movie have it or use it to sell soybeans or whatever. I wouldn’t even charge fans for my albums.”

Poole’s friends said they were all too familiar with this situation.

“This happens a few times a year. He’ll call me up ranting about hearing Grizzly Bear in a Tide commercial or something. I just put it on mute and let him wear himself out,” friend Katherine Davidson said while on the phone with Poole. “He takes it really seriously. Once when he heard Jason Isbell on the PA system at Walgreens, he pushed over a vitamin display and stormed out. Weird thing is, I’ve never seen him buy any vinyl. He does own one Wilco shirt, but Wilco is spelled with a K and he bought it off Wish, so I don’t think it’s official merch.”

Legendary band manager Neal Smith said that in today’s digital atmosphere, bands have to make money wherever they can.

“Even your most loyal fans won’t buy your music anymore, and no one listens to the radio,” said Smith after negotiating a deal between ED medication distributor BlueChew and HAIM. “So I have to convince anyone I can to just put the band’s music somewhere; in a commercial, in their Tik Toks, or just blaring through the speaker of a billboard truck. Next we’re going all in on NFTs, as soon as I figure out what those are.”

As of press time, Poole announced that he won’t even share a band’s music with his friends anymore, because he sees it as a form of free advertising.

Oh Shit: This Week the Boys Talk Cancel Culture

Posted on by Dan Rice

Strap the fuck in and get ready to have your leftist sensibilities shot in the dick, because this week on One In The Stink the boys are gonna get REAL about all of this “woke shit.”

Amateur Connecticut based comedians Bobby “Boner” Benson and Brian “Donkey Punch” Baringer started with an idea so simple it was brilliant: “What if we just recorded the funny ass shit we say when we hang out and make it a podcast?!” And just like that, One In The Stink was born.

What started as two buds just dicking around and shooting the shit has now grown into an empire by Southern Connecticut local comedy scene standards. Listener-ship is now edging into the dozens, and t-shirt sales are at a respectable five. Boner and DP, or “The Boys” as they’re fans have been told to call them, weren’t content just changing the whole game by releasing a poorly produced show where two REAL FRIENDS talk about “whatever.” They just had to take it to the next level by getting high AND drunk, ON MIC! Just like they do in REAL LIFE!

Many performers would be tempted to rest on their laurels after accomplishments like that, but not the stink gang. According to the description of their most recent episode, the boys are about to break all the rules and take on the most controversial topic of our age, cancel culture!

That’s right, they are fucking GOING THERE. After a brief hour long recap of the most recent Joe Rogan Experience, the boys are going straight for the elephant in the room!

If you know The Boys, as nearly 12 people currently do, you know this isn’t going to be some cookie cutter “let’s pat ourselves on the back for being liberal” bullshit hour. These men are not afraid to get REAL and entertain the idea that some of this stuff is GETTING OUT OF HAND!

Finally, a take on cancel culture from the perspective that matters the most — straight white men who do stand-up at local bars and eateries. These guys think that cancel culture has made it so that “you can’t say anything anymore!” and they are not afraid to say it. They might even get drunk enough to call the whole thing “gay,” in the PEJORATIVE like REBELS! This is HAPPENING people!

Also this week: DP gives an update on his Chipotle related IBS, Boner tells his friends brother’s roommates best sex story, and the boys try to figure out what Sylvester Stallone’s farts sound like.

Soul Asylum Announce They Never Broke Up in Case Anyone Wondering

Posted on by Bobby Korec

MINNEAPOLIS — 1994’s “Best Rock Performance by a Duo or Group with Vocal” Grammy nominee Soul Asylum announced that they never actually disbanded in case anyone was curious about their current situation, sources who checked the group’s Wikipedia page thereafter confirmed.

“In my opinion, this is an absolute game changer for all fans of music,” said singer and songwriter for the band Dave Pirner before rattling off the names of all 12 of their studio albums in chronological order. “Every now and then we remind the world that we’re still a thing and we’re ready to play a state fair or license our music for all your Toyotathon commercial needs. Otherwise, everyone seems like they forget about us entirely. In fact, that might explain why Spotify only sends us $2.00 royalty checks every few months to split four ways. How else would you justify paltry residuals from a streaming service worth billions?”

The news came as a bit of a shock to the general public.

“Are you kidding me? A little heads up sooner would’ve been nice,” said the band’s longtime manager Kent Appraise before excusing himself to make a few phone calls. “I started managing them during the ‘Runaway Train’ era and had I known that they kept going since then I probably would’ve gotten them some more prominent gigs. Next you’re going to tell me Collective Soul is still putting out new music as recently as 2019 and I shouldn’t have dropped the ball on that one either, as their manager. Unbelievable.”

Experts chimed in on the band’s bombshell announcement.

“There are a ton of bands who made it big in the ‘90s who are surprisingly still kicking it today with new, much less talked about work,” said music critic Diane Wintersfeather. “One could argue that this is largely the fault of music journalists ignoring new material from bands like this in favor of more sensational content. Sure, I could write about Soul Asylum’s latest 2020 release to help promote it. Or I could whip up something more attention-grabbing like, ‘You’ll Never Believe What Soul Asylum Looks Like Today.’ You see, we’re in the business of clicks, and those nostalgia clicks are a journalist’s wet dream.”

At press time, the band announced an upcoming tour and that it was “Blind Melon who wrote ‘No Rain.’ Not us. Stop asking.”

Review: Nirvana “Nevermind”

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we cover the 1991 classic “Nevermind” by Seattle-based grunge trio Nirvana.

When I was in 8th grade there was a girl named Stacey Cappanetto and she wore a Nirvana shirt to school. I thought she was the coolest girl in the entire world, but then something happened that changed my idea of her and Nirvana to this day.

It was about a month before summer break when a rumor started that Stacey had used a frozen hot dog as a dildo, but then it thawed out and broke inside of her and she had to call the fire department to help her. She was never the same after the rumor took hold, but now, thinking back on it nearly 20 years later, I think we need to dig into this rumor more.

Let’s start with the frozen hot dog. It was frozen, which means it’s cold as hell. Even holding a frozen hot dog in your hands for more than five seconds is uncomfortable, I can’t imagine that using it as a dildo would give anyone any pleasure. I almost see it similar to “A Christmas Story” when the kid gets his tongue stuck to the metal pole. There is no way this frankfurter could easily slide in and out unless it was completely slathered in condiments. But not a single person noted that her nether regions were covered in ketchup and/or mustard. This is a big knock against the rumor.

Let’s say she was able to use an uncomfortable frozen hot dog as a dildo, why would she call the fire department? I don’t think fishing processed meats out of the orifices of teenage girls is in their job description. I would think your first move would be to stand up straight, relax as much as possible, and hope gravity does the trick. If that didn’t work then maybe you find your mother and say you slipped in the kitchen while changing into your bathing suit and somehow a frozen hot dog got lodged up there. You don’t call the fire department. This rumor really doesn’t hold up over time.

Finally, the person I first heard this from was Becky Volvetti, and she hated Stacey. You see, earlier that month Stacey had stolen Becky’s boyfriend Wayne Davis. Wayne was so fucking cool. He was the only 8th grader with a BMX bike that had pegs. Given the personal animosity between Becky and Stacey, I have to come to the conclusion this was all made up.

Because Stacey and Nirvana have always been linked in my head I can only give this album 3 ⅓ drowning babies out of 5 drowning babies because I can’t forget how this whole situation made me feel.

Come back next week when we review a Soundgarden record, which just so happened to be the favorite band of Aaron Van Meter; the kid who got his dick stuck in a faucet.

Aspiring Skateboarder Finally Gets Sponsor at First AA Meeting

Posted on by John Danek

FREDERICK, Md. — Amateur skateboarder and recovering alcoholic Jude Gannon achieved a longstanding career goal of acquiring a sponsor in the form of an Alcoholics Anonymous member with experience working the 12 steps, relieved friends reported.

“It’s very validating to finally nail an endorsement and turns out it isn’t Birdhouse Skateboards or Lucky Bearings, but some old guy who I’m not supposed to name,” explained Gannon, who was encouraged to attend Alcoholics Anonymous meetings by friends, family, and the state of Maryland. “Not only is he helping me get sober, which I absolutely need, but he’s agreed to come watch and cheer when I finally heelflip the 7-stair at the church so it isn’t just awkward silence as I roll away. All that hard work finally paid off.”

Gannon’s sponsor, who asked not to be named in order to preserve the anonymity expressed in the group’s traditions, was optimistic about their relationship.

“Personally, I’m more of a rollerblading kind of guy, but that’s the beauty of AA — we don’t force any one ideology onto people in the program,” said the sponsor, who has been involved in the organization for 18 years. “Though I think Jude may be a tad confused about my purpose here. He keeps sending me skateboarding pictures of himself to consider posting to my Instagram, which I don’t have. He also keeps asking about getting a signature sobriety medallion made, which really goes against our whole purpose. The best I can do is meet him for coffee, which he promptly rejects every time I offer.”

Addiction specialists encourage those involved in extreme sports not to conflate the purposes of treatment.

“Yes, technically you can get a sponsor through AA, but let’s not act like that validates your wack skateboarding steez,” stated recovery therapist Dana Yesner. “The donuts at meetings are not ‘free swag’ given to you by your sponsors, and neither are the chips. People can tell if you land kickflips and immediately go into windmill arms to stay on the board; sobriety doesn’t change that.”

At press time, Gannon’s claims of sobriety were under scrutiny after reports surfaced that he successfully landed an acid drop while exiting his latest AA meeting.

The Noid Returns Despite Connections To Pizzagate

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Somewhat popular spokesmutant the Noid returned from self-imposed isolation which immediately resulted in newly leaked emails surrounding Pizzagate allegations, confirmed sources that thought this was already thoroughly disproven.

“First off, I have a longstanding and very public history of hating pizza. Second, I’ve never even been to Comet Ping Pong, and if I had it would be for the sole purpose of ruining the pizzas that I hate so much,” said the Noid in an annoyingly high-pitched voice. “And all those leaked emails between me and the DNC were about having me speak at a campaign fundraiser for Hillary Clinton. The constant news reports about me being involved in a child trafficking ring are making my life worse than a pizza delivered in under 30 minutes.”

Bobby Kimmel revived the conspiracy on his video blog TruthShield, which has reportedly caused the Noid to pull his ears and cross his eyes in order to relieve stress.

“If he hates pizza so much, then why does he keep getting checks as a Domino’s mascot? He’s clearly doing some behind the curtain stuff to have become so popular,” said Kimmel from his “First Amendment Studio” in Texas. “Just follow the money! He’s some screaming guy in superhero pajamas with bunny ears, yet he can be seen staying at some of the most expensive hotels across the world. It explains why such a mediocre pizza chain has so many locations. These franchises can’t be making any profits; the Noid must be using them as storage hubs to transport kids across state lines. I have the proof, but ‘Big Pizza’ is trying to keep me silent.”

Political consultant John Podesta was upset to hear that Pizzagate was once again being discussed.

“Damn it, how in the fuck is this still a thing? Yes, I’ve known the Noid for decades. We were members of the same fraternity in college, and yes we often catch up over email. People are taking our private exchanges out of context and making us both look bad,” said Podesta. “Even if I was a part of a satanic cabal that sacrificed children in the basement of a restaurant, I would know better than to invite the Noid into any place near pizzas.”

At press time, the Energizer Bunny was defending themself against accusations that the main ingredient in Energizer batteries is adrenochrome.

I’ve Been Playing Power Chords My Whole Life and I’m Still Weak As Shit

Posted on by Kevin Tit

This is absolute bullshit. I’ve been playing power chords my whole life, spending countless hours learning “Age of Quarrel,” “Set It Off,” and every song off the new GOD’s HATE record from front to back. I have been playing the toughest songs imaginable using exclusively power chords, yet I’m still weak as shit. What the fuck?!

I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. I mean, why call them power chords if they don’t make you powerful? For fuck’s sake, I can’t even play my guitar unless I sit down. These things are so fucking heavy. I worry that simply standing up while wearing the strap would saw through my entire torso. They ought to just change the name to “easy chords” because they do absolutely nothing to get you jacked. Also, they’re really simple to play. Anyone else notice that?

It’s so incredibly frustrating to bust my ass playing this shit for so long, only to have absolutely nobody respect my physical prowess. All the super jacked dudes at Guitar Center playing Hendrix and Zeppelin just laugh when I come in and ask for help picking up the Hello Kitty Squire off the guitar stand. Even when I play a ripper like “I Don’t Wanna Hear It” or “Pay to Cum,” they just yell at me to “SHUT THE FUCK UP.”

Not to mention these picks. How can anybody play with anything heavier than a .35mm?!! I nearly broke my finger trying to use an orange Dunlop. I’m in the process of filing a lawsuit against the company, requesting $35 million in compensation. My lawyer and I believe one million for each grossly negligent millimeter is fair compensation.

But until I win this no-doubter of a lawsuit, all I can do is embrace who I am and start playing music that more accurately reflects me as a person. Some lighter, pretty finger-picking music like Jack Johnson or something. I just pray to god that plucking those guitar strings doesn’t slice my fingers into deli meat.

Spotify’s “Discover New Music” Tab Replaced with Much More Popular “Play Same Shit I Always Listen To” Tab

Posted on by Ian Yamamoto

STOCKHOLM — Music streaming service Spotify announced late yesterday morning that it will replace the “Discover New Music” tab with the more comforting “Play the Same Shit I Always Listen To” tab, sources breathing a sigh of relief confirmed.

“We want Spotify’s UI to feel as user friendly as possible,” said Spotify UX Developer Noah Johansson. “The feedback we’ve gathered is that there’s nothing friendly about a tab that’s always staring at you and making you feel bad about not supporting young artists or only listening to one genre, sometimes even only one band. No one wants to feel like their music cred is being judged every time they open our app, so we got rid of the damn tab and replaced it with the shitty playlist you made when you were 15.”

Spotify users who found keeping up with new music to be exhausting were receptive to the change.

“I worry that I sound like my parents right now, but I’m too tired to discover new music. I don’t want to memorize lyrics or learn song titles that are totally different than what’s in the chorus,” said Spotify user and woman who’s most streamed album is still Incendiary’s “Cost of Living.” “To be honest, I don’t even have the energy to go to a show at a venue that doesn’t offer some type of seating. I know I’m not alone in that, and this new tab sees and respects that about me.”

While many artists depend on Spotify’s discovery algorithm to build their audience, some smaller bands expressed support for the innovative new tab.

“We’re an obscure indie band with a tight knit group of die-hard followers. We don’t want mindless mainstreamers listening to our music because it’s not for them,” said lead singer/sitar player Vichyssoise Black from vegan straight edge screech pop Simpsonswave cover band, LARPing Wish. “The fewer people that discover us, the better. Go on, listen to your Len singles, you basic nostalgia monkeys; we’ll be here not making money on Spotify as people who value not selling out, or selling anything, for that matter.”

As of press time, Spotify’s share price surged on news that they will sell you back your high school iPod for $900.