The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Mom Wondering if You’ll Be Home for Fourth of July Barbecue or if You’ll Be Too Busy With Your Critical Race Theory

Posted on July 4, 2021 by Dianne Nora

CINCINNATI — Your Mom is wondering if you’ll be home for her annual 4th of July barbecue, or if you’ll be too busy with this Critical Race Theory she keeps hearing about, confirmed sources close to the woman that gave birth to you and just wants to see you every once in a while.

“I hate to bother you, because I know you’re very preoccupied these days, protesting your privilege or whatever it is you kids get up to,” your Mom said. “But I need to know how many servings of unseasoned potato salad I’ll need to make. You’d think that someone could at least make time to celebrate his country and everyone who sacrificed for his freedoms, or at least to eat a few burgers with his Mother in between his busy schedule of apologizing for being white.”

You’ve been avoiding her calls these past few weeks, so much so that even your Dad has left you a voicemail.

“I know she means well, but she keeps asking me if she’ll catch side effects from me now that I’m vaccinated,” you said, your head hanging heavy at the thought of finally returning her call. “She seems to think everyone who lives in a city is setting fire to government buildings and looting Wal-Marts. I don’t even live near a Wal-Mart, and my parents’ house is only like a twenty-minute drive from mine. Last time I came over for dinner, I politely asked her if we could turn off OAN while we ate, and she started crying because she thought I’d ‘caught socialism.’”

Harriet Cartwright, a behavioral anthropologist at Xavier University, noted that recent data reflect a growing social divide among generations where questions of Critical Race Theory were involved.

“It’s a relatively new phenomenon among members of the Baby Boom generation, like myself, and their children, members of the millennial generation or even Gen-Z,” explained Cartwright. “Take my son Tony, for example. The latest studies overwhelmingly reflect that, while members of my generation feel increasing anxiety around Critical Race Theory, young people like Tony are apparently too busy kneeling at football games to visit their hometowns and watch some fireworks with their parents. What, Tony, are you trying to tell me that fireworks are racist now, too?”

At press time, your Mom was wondering if you could pick up some extra relish and a Blue Lives Matter flag on your way over to the house.

Nextdoor App Crashes as Neighbors Snitch on Their Own HOA BBQ Violations

Posted on July 4, 2021 by Khadija Hassan

SEATTLE — Neighborhood watch app Nextdoor crashed early this afternoon after users self-snitched on their own Fourth of July barbeque celebrations out of habit, according to sources.

“I just couldn’t believe what we were doing, and I knew I had to do something about it immediately,” said HOA member and co-host of an annual holiday barbeque, Bridgette Miller. “We were playing music, there were countless cars parked on the street I’ve never seen before, and I think I even saw a dog off leash at one point, so I got on the app and got right to work. The only thing keeping this community safe is our drive to follow the rules and report on those who break them in the most anonymous and non confrontational way, and that begins at home.”

HOA members have been diligent in their approach to self-regulation, using the Nextdoor app as a means of accountability while maintaining a minimal amount of face-to-face contact.

“Even before the pandemic, the Nextdoor app was a life saver. It started with my neighbor Cheryl [Wimbley]’s insistence on keeping her grass unkempt far beyond protocol, which I think is when we all started to realize that we could keep the grass consistent from our windows,” commented Justine Tovar on a piece of paper she slid under the door. “When I heard about the party I knew I’d have to help my neighbors from my front porch down the street. When I see everyone pitching in from their phones, I just feel that much safer.”

Despite most neighbors feeling relief over being able to prevent themselves from going about their lives, HOA member Solomon Miller was reportedly frustrated by the constant Nextdoor app violations in regard to a small gathering in his backyard.

“I just kept getting dings about the barbeque through Nextdoor, and it seemed like everyone was in a thread complaining about one thing or another. The strangest thing is that everyone making alerts were people at my house, but no one said anything to me about the music volume or the recycling bin or anything,” Miller explained. “Even my wife posted about my unregulated charcoal usage but just smiled and blinked kind of weird when she walked right by it.”

At press time, Nextdoor was down, terrifying residents with the thought that they might have to speak to one another at some point.

Man Hoping Truck Flag Size Properly Represents His Level of Racism

Posted on July 4, 2021 by Ryan Danley

CENTRALIA, Wash. — Local patriot Rick Staler is concerned that the size of the flags mounted in the bed of his Dodge Ram 1500 may not be an adequate representation of his extreme racist beliefs, sources close to the militiaman confirmed.

“This country has gone so soft. I fly the biggest flags they sell, and I feel like it’s not even close to expressing my deep dislike of lazy welfare cheats. I tried to buy one of those Super Bowl field-covering flags, but some socialist at the Town Hall told me it’s illegal. Apparently, I went to bed in the U.S. of A. and woke up in China,” said Staler while ironing his camo jacket. “But, like the forefathers, I will not be a victim of tyrants! I have my wife working on making our bed sheets into flags. Real Alphas will die before we lose our God-given right to speed through a Petsmart parking lot with ten yards of the modern white supremacy movement symbols proudly on display.”

Neighbor and fellow truck flag connoisseur Doug Randall takes a more nuanced approach.

“Listen, there’s nothing I love more than the Stars and Stripes flying while I rev my Hemmy at some Prius. But too much pageantry is a bit gauche. It’s not the size of the flag, it’s the hate you carry in your heart that matters,” said Randall. “These days I’m looking for a mid-sized flag that says my mixed nephew is welcome at Thanksgiving, but makes it clear that I support law enforcement’s shooting of unarmed citizens. A size that says, ‘I love tacos’ but also ‘Build! The! Wall!’ This is a game of inches.”

Mark Gold, Editor-in-Chief of Truck Flag! Magazine is concerned that deviance from the traditional truck flag path may represent weakness.

“Listen, anyone badass enough to fly Old Glory is a friend. But we’re starting to see people think they can roll up with a simple 5 x 8 and be treated like the second coming of Tucker Carlson. Can we trust Mr. 5 x 8 when we battle the incoming caravan of refugees? Not on my watch,” said Gold. “I won’t be happy until I have a truck made of flags that reaches Jesus in Heaven. And if you’re not on board with that, enjoy your mom’s basement you Antifa cuck.”

Staler was unavailable for further comment as he was checking his truck’s back window painting of a shirtless muscle-bound Donald Trump to ensure it had enough glistening sweat on its pecs.

Free Hot Dogs All It Took to Get Punk to Celebrate America

Posted on July 4, 2021 by James Knapp

SANDUSKY, Ohio — Local punk Curtis “Copkiller” Richards reportedly ceased his habit of constant slander against the United States while enjoying a few kosher beef franks at a neighbor’s July 4th barbeque, somewhat confused sources confirmed.

“Normally, Curtis and I don’t talk that much unless I’m reminding him that he needs to take his trash cans to the curb. But I thought I would do the neighborly thing and invite him to my annual BBQ for a couple of wieners,” explained neighbor and event host Glen Ollenstock. “When I first told him about it he was really dismissive and went into some long, weird rant about the Bay of Pigs. But when I mentioned I got footlongs this year he was all in. Seriously, I’ve never seen the promise of a hotdog change a person’s attitude that dramatically. Now I’m genuinely concerned about what his diet normally consists of.”

Attendees of Ollenstock’s barbeque affirmed that Richards’ newfound patriotism was mostly hot dog oriented.

“I don’t know who the smelly guy [Ollenstock] invited is, but I heard him audibly gasp earlier when he realized there was relish,” said Lynn Fraine, Ollenstock’s sister-in-law. “We pretty much go all out for the fourth usually, but this dude is still floored by hot dogs. I’m worried that if he finds out we also smoked baby back ribs for this he might seriously hurt himself.”

Richards explained the genesis of his newfound attitude toward America.

“Damn, these dogs are tasty! Shit, they even got this cool spicy mustard too,” exclaimed Richards in between his fourth and fifth tubed meat serving. “Yes, this shitbox of a country is an imperialist surveillance state every day of the year, but they toasted the buns! If capitalism gets you a day off and chipotle mayo then I’m gonna ride that melted cheese and diced onion train the whole way, since I’m pretty sure everyone I know is at some baseball game getting hammered on 2-for-1 beers all day.”

During Ollenstock’s evening fireworks show, Richards was once again amazed that there was a way to blow things up without getting arrested for arson.

John Landis MasterClass Teaches Aspiring Filmmakers How To Beat a Manslaughter Rap

Posted on July 3, 2021 by Dan Rice

LOS ANGELES — MasterClass released a five-hour course on circumventing manslaughter charges taught by legendary filmmaker, and director of “The Twilight Zone” movie segment which claimed the lives of three actors, John Landis.

“Never kill more than one celebrity at a time,” Landis warned in the preview to his class. “I killed Vic Morrow and a couple of kids who were nobodies. If I had killed Vic Morrow and Albert Brooks, forget about it. I would be teaching this class from jail, where I belong.”

The seminar, available exclusively to MasterClass subscribers, walks aspiring filmmakers through successfully beating manslaughter charges “from script to acquittal.”

“A defense doesn’t start after your negligence and reckless decision-making kills some actors. It starts on page one. As soon as you type the word ‘helicopter’ you need to start scouting a legal team,” Landis continued. “It is not our fault as filmmakers that helicopters and explosions look great on film. Beating the charges you’re sure to come up against, however, takes a great deal of thought. I find storyboarding useful in crafting a believable defense.”

Some students were frustrated and outraged that MasterClass did not disclose ahead of time that the legendary director’s teachings would focus exclusively on cheating the law.

“He spent a whole hour explaining how a cool way to get away with one crime, ‘say, breaking child labor laws,’ is to ‘sort of commit a much larger crime’ and then beat that one in court,” reported in-class student Samantha Bell. “I was hoping for some advice about blocking, and maybe the best way to deal with script rewrites if you are on a shoestring budget.”

MasterClass CEO David Rogier seemed convinced that now is the perfect time for Landis’s unique tutelage.

“Mr. Landis’s class has quickly become one of our most popular offerings since ‘Kevin Spacey Teaches Acting,’” explained Rogier. “It’s understandable why. The craft of filmmaking has never been more accessible. All you need is a camera and a long chain of people underneath you for plausible deniability when your recklessness results in death.”

Following the success of this class, Landis is now partnering with his son Max to teach students the art of Hollywood nepotism and entitlement.

Hard Rock Cafe Manager Will Let You Hold The INXS Guitar If You Help Jump His Car

Posted on July 3, 2021 by Dicky Stock

MYRTLE BEACH, S.C. — Hard Rock Cafe Manager Kyle Neeson offered the chance to hold the INXS guitar hanging in the women’s bathroom to departing Hard Rock customers in exchange for a jump after realizing his car battery had died, according to sources who have somewhere to be, sorry.

“This is actually a big Hard Rock no-no,” explained Neeson, who was covered in engine soot from trying to fix the dead battery by hand. “I’ve been the manager here for fifteen years and they don’t let me touch anything. However, I have insider knowledge that the lock on the case holding the ladies room INXS guitar is compromised, and I think I could probably get it loose. This guitar was played on the 2002 Just For Kicks Tour by Kirk Pengilly, the guitarist for INXS, so in exchange for the 30 seconds it takes to jump a Honda, you’d be a fool to turn down a deal like this.”

Cafe patron Justin Kelly heard Neeson’s plea as he and others exited the restaurant, but decided against providing aid.

“This guy started babbling about a guitar in a bathroom or something,” said Kelly, who seemed halfway between annoyed and angry at Neeson’s proposition. “I’m pretty sure he needed his car jumped but I couldn’t figure out what the fuck anything had to do with INXS. It’s like, dude, call AAA, dickhead. See if they give a shit, because literally no one out here gives a fuck about your toilet guitar. I’m fucking shitfaced.”

AAA technician Jackson Young was sent to assist Neeson with this dilemma after the manager watched as every single car exited the Hard Rock Cafe parking lot.

“I got a call around 11:30 from someone needing a jump. The guy kept asking if I’d be interested in a trade and insisted I walk inside to hold a guitar that belonged to a band I don’t know,” said tow truck driver Young, of Kevin Young’s Towing in Myrtle Beach. ”This kind of stuff happens all the time. I had to repo some lady’s Hyundai the other week and she kept offering to let me hold her baby who was once held by Depeche Mode vocalist Dave Gahan if I’d ‘look the other way’ for a couple more days. You meet some cuckoo clocks working around here at this hour, but this guy is a true cuckoo.”

When reached for comment following the jump, Neeson’s wife informed us he was “resting and could not come to the phone.”

Opinion: I Only Abuse Alcohol Recreationally

Posted on July 3, 2021 by Bobby Korec

I’d like to apologize to every single person who attended my surprise intervention. Had I known it was happening I would’ve brought a 30-pack and some ping pong balls, and we would have had a blast. I apologize if my actions hurt you. But the good news is, you don’t need to worry about my drinking. I have everything totally under control. I only abuse alcohol recreationally, and I can stop whenever I want to or when I pass out. Usually the latter.

The key is to avoid relying on alcohol emotionally. For example, I only dump toxic amounts of booze directly down my gullet every day of the week for pure funsies. I never, ever drink when I’m angry, sad, or anxious. And it works! I can’t even remember the last time I felt any of those feelings. Besides, what else am I supposed to drink after a hard day’s work of staving off another hangover? Kombucha? Get real. No one drinks kombucha recreationally.

A big red flag for alcohol abuse is drinking in the morning and I’m here to tell you that ain’t me. No matter how much I want a gin and tonic immediately after arriving at work, I always make sure to wait until exactly noon so it doesn’t become a problem. Sure, the sweats kick in around 11:15, but a little self-control goes a long way when it comes to alcohol abuse.

The truth is, you simply cannot have an alcohol problem if you only do it recreationally in your downtime. That’s why they’re called “recreational” drugs and not “this is going to be a problem for you down the road” drugs. I’d never do those drugs unless a stranger offered them to me in a bar bathroom while I’m hammered.

Punk’s Life Built Entirely on Spite Going Surprisingly Well

Posted on July 3, 2021 by Ryan Danley

PITTSBURGH — Local punk Sam Allister’s life built entirely on doing things out of spite for the extreme bitterness of this fucked world is actually quite fulfilling and going surprisingly well, according to sources.

“As a kid, everyone told me I was too angry. My parents, teachers, and court appointed therapists all said I was headed down a bad path. Those assholes had no idea their bullshit was fuel for the most rad life ever. I appreciate those fucking idiots so much,” said Allister. “My dad once told me I need to quit watching horror movies all day. Oh ya? I now earn a cool 50K from my horror podcast patreon a year. Who’s a loser now, Dad? Have fun being a social worker for the rest of your life.”

Allister’s longtime girlfriend, Violet Carrol, was once concerned about her ability to hold a grudge, but now is completely on board with Allister’s lifestyle.

“I used to be angry when Sam would get into fights, but after her last stint of weekenders in jail she was able to finally get sober. That lady she beat up is probably still telling people to be quiet at the library, and Sam’s out here changing her life,” said Carrol. “So now I just let the magic work. Who knows what miracles will happen if someone tells her to turn down an amp in the middle of Guitar Center. She’ll probably end up with a platinum record.”

While Allister’s success may be surprising to some, Professor of Sociology at UPenn, Dr. Edgar Stilton, stressed this is normal.

“This phenomenon has actually built our society. The Seattle grunge movement was a purely spiteful response to the macho hair bands of the ‘80s. On a smaller scale, we see people insisting that ‘Pet Sounds’ is a good record even though we all know it’s the Beach Boys,” said Stilton. “So many worthwhile endeavors are built on a simple ‘fuck you.’ I mean, the only reason I have this job is because a guidance counselor once told me I’d make a good politician. Barf. Well now I’m a doctor, and that jackass is probably dead.”

Allister was unavailable for further comment, as she was busy organizing to have hostile architecture removed from various underpasses after being told she couldn’t “fall asleep” face down on the sidewalk.

Opinion: Where Is the Future Dippin’ Dots Promised Us?

Posted on July 2, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

The world is on fire. World economies rise and fall constantly. Pandemics rage, angry mobs overrun capitols, the oceans fill with toxins. In this historically unprecedented period of hopelessness, one cannot help but wonder ‘where is the future Dippin’ Dots promised us?’

When Dippin’ Dots were introduced in 1988, they made an implicit promise: they would make the world a better place. When you say something is the “ice cream of the future,” you are promising a better future. You don’t say something like that to children at amusement centers or any retail establishment with the voltage requirements to store ice cream at -40 Fahrenheit lightly. And what have they done for us? Jack shit.

They could have used their futuristic freezing technology to create all kinds of Dippin’ foods, alleviating the global hunger crisis. But where is the Dippin’ Wheat Protein? Where are the Dippin’ Nutritional Supplements? For God’s sake, where is the Dippin’ Water?

We’re in the middle of a global drought, Dippin’ Dots! Use your power!

There are unprecedented temperatures in the Western United States. The Indian subcontinent is in a state of chaos. Russia is a police state ruled by corrupt oligarchs. There is a serious lack of innovation in new ice cream flavors. Seriously, when was the last time you saw a new flavor in the ice cream aisle of a Kroger? This is fucking on you, Dippin’ Dots.

The worst part is that despite their complete lack of innovation and progress, they refuse to release the secrets of Dippin technology to scientists and world leaders.

Even now, Dippin’ Dots is a wreck. This so-called savior of the future, as they so vaingloriously presented themselves, has no future itself. The Dippin’ Dots Corporation finds itself bankrupt. They’re increasingly a rare site at Six Flags. They’re the clear loser in a Twitter feud with disgraced former White House press secretary Sean Spicer, which should have been fucking money in the bag.

This is a chilly emperor with no clothes.

Dippin’ Dots, you promised us a better future. You have failed.

Now, the only hope we have is that Astronaut Ice Cream will come out of retirement and save us, just like it did in 1969. We have only its weird, freeze-dried texture and chalky taste left to carry us forward.

Outlaw Country Fan Backs the Blue

Posted on July 2, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

HARRISONBURG, Va. — Lifelong fan of outlaw country music Chris Harper is also a fervent supporter of law enforcement in all its forms, going as far as to decorate his truck, home and personal attire with “Back the Blue” slogans, sources close to the living contradiction confirmed.

“Merle Haggard, Waylon Jennings, Billy Joe Shaver, these are just a few of the men whose music has shaped my life,” said Harper while proudly displaying a “Blue Lives Matter” flag on his front porch. “Those guys brought country music back to what it should be: standing up to the man and not giving a fuck. They didn’t let anyone push them around or tell them what to do. And that’s how I live my life as well, but I also want to show my appreciation for the brave men and women that keep our neighborhoods safe. We have to realize that the real heroes are the police officers who put their lives on the line every day, you know?”

Silas Rhodes, a longtime friend of Harper’s, didn’t see any issue with his friend’s preferences.

“Just because you listen to music where the Sheriff is the villain doesn’t mean you actually have to hate your local Sheriff,” Rhodes said. “Chris has just always loved the whole image: the leather jacket, the yellow night-driving aviators, drinking way, way too much at your best friend’s wedding and getting into an argument about Miranda Rights. He spends about as much time listening to Willie Nelson as he does in online forums telling strangers that we need to respect the Blue. I’ve heard him say ‘he should have just complied’’ so many times, I’m starting to think it’s a Hank Jr. lyric.”

Terri Berman, a behavioral researcher at the University of Virginia, has seen cases like Harper’s before.

“We live in complex times,” Berman explained. “Many people find themselves holding contradictory opinions and not even realizing it. Mr. Harper can love music that overtly, textually asks the listener to stand against authority, and also love the actual, definitive authority of society, like the police. It’s part of the human condition.”

“That said, this guy sounds like a real dumbass,” Berman added.

As of press time, Harper was explaining to a police officer how much he appreciated his service as he was being issued a DUI.

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