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Opinion: I Only Abuse Alcohol Recreationally

I’d like to apologize to every single person who attended my surprise intervention. Had I known it was happening I would’ve brought a 30-pack and some ping pong balls, and we would have had a blast. I apologize if my actions hurt you. But the good news is, you don’t need to worry about my drinking. I have everything totally under control. I only abuse alcohol recreationally, and I can stop whenever I want to or when I pass out. Usually the latter.

The key is to avoid relying on alcohol emotionally. For example, I only dump toxic amounts of booze directly down my gullet every day of the week for pure funsies. I never, ever drink when I’m angry, sad, or anxious. And it works! I can’t even remember the last time I felt any of those feelings. Besides, what else am I supposed to drink after a hard day’s work of staving off another hangover? Kombucha? Get real. No one drinks kombucha recreationally.

A big red flag for alcohol abuse is drinking in the morning and I’m here to tell you that ain’t me. No matter how much I want a gin and tonic immediately after arriving at work, I always make sure to wait until exactly noon so it doesn’t become a problem. Sure, the sweats kick in around 11:15, but a little self-control goes a long way when it comes to alcohol abuse.

The truth is, you simply cannot have an alcohol problem if you only do it recreationally in your downtime. That’s why they’re called “recreational” drugs and not “this is going to be a problem for you down the road” drugs. I’d never do those drugs unless a stranger offered them to me in a bar bathroom while I’m hammered.