The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Mars Rover Accidentally Rolls Into GWAR Rehearsing

Posted on July 7, 2021 by Chris Jones

HOUSTON — Scientists at NASA monitoring the Perseverance Rover made a startling discovery today when it sent back photos of GWAR rehearsing on Mars, multiple baffled sources confirmed.

“We were completely taken by surprise. We were hoping to find samples of microorganisms in the fossil record, but out of nowhere we see GWAR just shredding the hell out of the fucking planet,” stated NASA deputy project scientist Katie Morgan. “When we first heard ‘Viking Death Machine’ playing, we figured one of the interns had been playing it over the office speaker, but sure enough, it was GWAR going ham. We had to beg them to stop spraying the rover with blood and trying to feed it to World Maggot; this thing cost over two billion dollars.”

Despite not normally engaging in surprise interviews with the press, GWAR’s lead howler, The Berserker Blothar, stunned officials with comments on their interaction with NASA.

“We finally find a rehearsal space not far from our new slaying grounds on Earth, and you puny mortals have the nerve to drive your toy into it? You mere humans will learn to regret the day you crossed GWAR and signed a death sentence for your entire race,” announced The Berserker Blothar. “Humans are a parasitic disease that must be eradicated from Earth, and now Mars. The time has come for us to slaughter you all and rebuild the world without you pathetic mistakes in it.”

Mars fanatic and visionary SpaceX CEO Elon Musk was quick to respond to the discovery, sources confirmed.

“My team at SpaceX has known that GWAR frequents Mars for jam sessions for quite some time now,” stated Musk. “I didn’t want to reveal it to the public because I promised our astronauts the rare opportunity of exclusive time with GWAR. SpaceX astronauts are guaranteed to be the first crowd sprayed with semen and maggots on Mars by GWAR. I definitely plan to deliver on this promise, and now that the cat is out of the bag we are going to have to drastically speed up our timeline so we can get there before that bald fucker Bezos. There’s no way those Blue Origin fucks deserve the first show— they probably only know like two GWAR songs tops.”

As of press time, GWAR destroyed the Perseverance Rover for making the grave mistake of interrupting their BBQ and board game night.

We Blew Weed Smoke in This Spider’s Face and the Next Web She Wove Was a Pulp Fiction Poster

Posted on July 6, 2021 by Eric Navarro

Dude, we got this new strain of weed from Maryland called “Bong Hit Transplant,” and it will melt your face. Anyway, me and my friends were in the circle passing the bowl around as usual, when Lauren saw this gnarly looking giant spider about to make a web. That’s when Rachel had the sick idea that we should not be hanging around near huge spiders, but then I had the even sicker idea that we should share some of this ganja with our eight-legged friend.

I blew my next cloud right in that spider’s face before forgetting all about it and going inside to fall asleep to a Revolutionary War documentary. But when I awoke, I was shocked to see that the spider had finished weaving her web, which was an exact replica of the “Pulp Fiction” poster I had on my wall.

This thing was unbelievable! It felt like John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson were gonna leap out of the web and smoke my stoner ass. That spider knocked every detail out of the park, right down to the texture of Jules’s afro! This web made the “some pig” web from Charlotte’s Web look like a piece of dog shit! Why was that spider named after a weed strain, anyway?

I needed that thing in my room. The first thing I did was try to frame it, but that didn’t work. All I got were sticky hands and a pissed off spider glaring at me as if to say, “Woah man, not cool. That was like, my art, man.” And, ya know, I get that. It was uncool on my part. So I told the spider, “Oh. My bad, bro,” which is my go-to phrase when it comes to cooling down heated situations created by my stoned decision making. The spider seemed chill, so we were able to move past it.

Next, I got really fucking high and realized the best course of action was to move my room outside to where the spider’s web was. A few minutes later, I realized how silly that was. I’d need to be way higher if I were to move my entire room outside. So I did that. I was able to get my couch and TV out there but gave up once I realized there was no place to hang Scarface and Bob Marley.

I admit this was a low point for me. That’s when I got my best idea yet: get really fucking high again. Then it hit me. My room isn’t just my room. And my house isn’t just my house. This world is ours. It’s all of ours. It’s a part of us, and we are a part of it. By that logic, the spider web/”Pulp Fiction” poster is already in my room. This array of furniture and snacks I brought outside is not a mess I should clean up because it looks like it’s about to rain. It’s my home. It’s everyone’s home. It’s exactly what it needs to be, and that’s okay.

That’s when I fell asleep on the couch, and woke up soaking wet on a ruined couch in the middle of a thunderstorm. I abandoned the idea and decided to just get high and watch “Pulp Fiction.” Upon re-watching, it’s a fun flick, but the story is disjointed and all over the place. Whoever made this movie must not have been high enough.

Therapist Gives Patient One Month to Live

Posted on July 6, 2021 by Bobby Korec

LOS ANGELES — Local therapist Dr. Dana Therenspoon gave their patient exactly one month to live during a routine check-in, after months of increasingly lame sessions, sources who didn’t know they had the authority to do that confirmed.

“Listen, this is merely a prediction based on a combination of scientific evidence, careful analysis over several months of routine visits, and just a hunch, really,” said Therenspoon while rearranging the framed PhDs on their wall by order of how important they might look to strangers. “It’s never easy to break the news to someone that their life is patheticville and that there’s no reversing it, no matter how many haircuts they try, but it’s my medical responsibility to do so. That way, these total losers can plan to do everything they’ve always wanted, like watch someone go skydiving or binge ‘Law and Order: SVU’ one last time. You know, really live it up.”

Campbell Leggingsworth, the patient in question, was confident he could outlive the prognosis.

“My mom beat cancer and my dad reversed diabetes, so overcoming these sorts of death sentences kind of runs in the family,” said Leggingsworth while crossing off “try new Applebee’s jalapeño poppers” from his bucket list. “Honestly, all I said to my therapist was that I quit my very stable office job to become a full-time podcaster since I’m pretty sure I’m bound to become the Joe Rogan of ‘Saved By The Bell’ podcasts. That’s when she interrupted and told me to start canceling my auto-pay bills now. So bizarre. I mean, how is that a sign of my so-called downward spiral? Also, I think I’m going to get a new therapist.”

Experts weighed in on the therapist/patient relationship.

“There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to therapy, and this method proves that,” said psychology professor Taylor Conrad. “For instance, back in the 16th century it was standard practice to drill a tiny hole in someone’s skull to try to relieve depression. Yes, they inadvertently killed a bunch of patients in the process, but at least the depression was technically gone. Long story, short: no one really knows how to treat mental health shit long-term.”

Leggingsworth has since reportedly surpassed the 30-day prediction, and as a result had to give back all the money his family raised from the GoFundMe page they set up.

How To Cope With the Fact That You Waited in Line When You Could Have Just Walked To the Front To Pick Up Your Order

Posted on July 6, 2021 by John Danek

It’s 2021 and it’s about damn time we feel comfortable discussing our personal traumas. And speaking of 2021, we have yet another universal pain to add to our mental health discourse: waiting in line when you could have just walked up to the front to get your food.

It’s going to be okay. We’re here for you.

Let’s backtrack. So you decided to treat yourself by ordering one of your favorite meals. However, when you drove to the restaurant there was a line out the door! You didn’t want to annoy the busy staff by sliding right up against the customer in front, so you patiently waited in line. Traumatically, when you got to the front the cashier informed you that you didn’t need to waste 15 minutes waiting just to grab your grub.

Your day was ruined. Hell, maybe your week. You wondered where things went so wrong. Maybe you opted to wait out of an abundance of politeness. Or perhaps you feared the glares of those who think you’re trying to cut the line. Talk about a no-win situation. As His Holiness the Dalai Lama once said, “By rushing to the front, you might hurt others. But by standing in line, you always hurt yourself.” Eastern philosophy is usually ahead of America by a good 6 years.

When memories of cold burgers and judgmental eyes wake you up in the middle of the night, just remember this is hard for everyone. You’re not alone. You didn’t do anything wrong and in time no one is going to remember your faux pas. Well, except for you. But life is often about minimizing damage so you’ll probably make it through regardless. You will order again from that restaurant and you will remember their pickup policy. The sun will shine on you another day.

Being Empty For Year Somehow Made Reopened Venue Smell Worse

Posted on July 6, 2021 by Anna Walsh

SPRINGFIELD, Mass. — Staff and audience members at the newly reopened Cherry Pit reported a puzzling stench that may be as serious a health risk as the pandemic that forced its year-long closure.

“I was actually kind of excited to be back in the beer-soaked, sweatstained halls of the Cherry Pit, even a little scared that a year without shows would cause its unique charm to disappear. But Jesus Christ, this is not what I remember,” said longtime local concertgoer Tim Langevin, who arrived at the show with lofty expectations. “I’m not sure how anything could possibly smell worse than one hundred disgusting feet, a stale sweat/barf hybrid, and random farts, but this empty room did it. I almost went off somewhere to puke, but figured the bathroom’s smell might actually kill me.”

Veteran Cherry Pit bartender Keira Lopez was at a complete loss.

“When I first got here, of course I checked all the usual suspects: urinal cakes, the door guy who doesn’t wear deodorant, the bucket we dump all the skunked beer into. Turns out it’s just the whole place’s natural essence,” Lopez said. “My manager says we have to uphold the no re-entry policy tonight, but I think given the circumstances that doing that might be a human rights violation.”

Holly Baker of the Springfield Health and Human Services Department was dispatched to the venue after initial reports.

“We expect a certain standard of stagnation to occur in any closed-off area, especially one as generally disgusting as this place. But someone had left a milk carton propping open the back door when the venue first shut down, which means a steady stream of fresh air has been circulating in here this entire time,” a frustrated Baker said. “I’ve seen a lot in my career, but the level of odor here truly defies all logic, and frankly terrifies me. It may need to be treated as a biohazard and the building leveled, but I worry that the stench fumes may end up annihilating any passing birds overhead.”

At the time of publication, Hazmat suit-clad workers could be seen swabbing surfaces and people, but allowed the opening band to continue playing.

Breaking: Man Has Opinion On Courtney Love

Posted on July 5, 2021 by Sarah Feliciano

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — Local man with too much time on his hands Daniel Arnold unpromptedly gave his two cents on grunge icon Courtney Love at a Waffle House early yesterday evening, sources reported.

“I was waiting for the manager so I could suggest he add more Bush to those tiny jukeboxes at the tables when I overheard two teens saying awful things about Courtney Love,” Arnold said. “One of them called Hole’s ‘Live Through This’ album ‘influential to the 90’s Feminist punk scene.’ Even worse, they were praising her for calling out misogynists and high-profile abusers in entertainment. That’s when I knew I needed to step in and call Courtney a succubus bitch who definitely has fake tits, everyone knows that.”

The women in question reportedly didn’t notice Arnold, or that he was speaking to them for several minutes before finally realizing he was saying something.

“We were just, like, sitting there eating and this old dude walked up and started ranting that Courtney killed Kurt and that it was a lot more charming when Drew Barrymore flashed Letterman,” said Barelas resident Annie Fuentes. “I tried not to be too hard on him though because I know how the elderly can get. My nana yells at pigeons at the park when she gets tired, too. We just let him go on until he wore himself out and left to go bother a waitress about syrup.”

Additional diners who peaked in eighth grade supported Arnold’s impromptu monologue and stood in solidarity with him.

“I think what that guy did was brave, and Kurt would have wanted us to keep his legacy alive by forever harassing the woman he loved. She may be his widow, but I’m a super fan with unhealthy parasocial relationships,” one of the protestors said. “At least that’s what my therapist says, but she’s probably just another simp for Courtney. Anyway, did you know she used to be a stripper?”

More updates are unfortunately expected to follow, as neither of these guys has yet to shut the fuck up.

Biden Signs Student Debt Relief Bill to Send All Graduates $5 for Their Birthdays

Posted on July 5, 2021 by Jay Chanoine

WASHINGTON — President Biden signed a sweeping new bill into law earlier today which will finally address the issue of student loan debt relief by sending all college graduates a five-dollar bill each year on their birthday.

“The mountain of debt acquired through student loans has been a burden on us all for way too long and until now the man in charge has always been too much of a square to do anything about it,” the President read in an official statement while wearing sunglasses that he refused to remove. “This is a dynamite deal for all the coed cats and chicks out there. Your college years should be filled with vanilla cokes at the sock hop, not worrying about your finances. As of today those concerns have become a thing of the past, cuz Uncle Joey’s got your back with a yearly five spot, Birthday Boy or Birthday Girl.”

College graduates across the country were vocal on social media about their reactions to the new law, with the majority feeling the solution is inadequate.

“Oh fucking wonderful, finally my prayers have been answered!” wrote Lara Cosier, who received her Masters Degree in World Literature last spring. “If only I didn’t always have to work on my birthday at one of my three fucking part time jobs. The only way a five-dollar bill could help me escape debt is if I could make a paper cut deep enough to slit my wrists.”

Conservative commentators have also voiced negative feelings toward the bill, which many feel encourages a growing sense of entitlement in our nation’s youth.

“It would be bad enough if this were just flagrant runaway spending in the face of the worst economy we’ve seen in ages,” right-wing television host Tucker Carlson remarked on his Fox News program. “This is exactly the socialist agenda and coddling we predicted we would see by putting a far left radical like Joe Biden in the White House. What about those of us who managed to pay off our student debts without crying about it? Did our parents’ hard-earned paychecks mean nothing?”

Following the White House press conference, a staffer confirmed the president’s next big project will be ending gender inequality with an official line of “Chicks rock!” postage stamps.

Turns Out Dry Shampoo Is the Glue Holding This Woman Together

Posted on July 5, 2021 by Meg Scanlon

I don’t want to brag, but I have figured out the secret to life. I know how to keep it all together, now. It’s not therapy, it’s not going to the gym, it’s not maintaining a healthy relationship or any of that nonsense— it’s dry shampoo. I know, I know, it’s so obvious, right?

When my building had to turn off the water for a few hours, I panicked and considered washing my hair with some lime La Croix. As I was about to pour the sparkling beverage onto my oily mane over the kitchen sink, it hit me: “Don’t you have some dry shampoo in your bathroom cabinet?”

I found the aerosol can and sprayed my tresses, slowly melting away all the grease and anxiety I felt. It smelled of coconut and hope. “How did you get those beachy waves?” people ask me. From a gosh darn can!

If I were to add up those shower hours I’ve wasted in my lifetime, it would probably be approximately 17 years of wasted time.

I had a real scare recently, where I had a Zoom meeting in two minutes and I went to get the dry shampoo, or Isabelle as I now call her. As I was saying my mantra, “there’s nothing a spritz can’t fix,” Isabelle did something she had never done before, which was sputter and spray regular air onto my scalp. I started running around in what my roommate described as an “unsettling event,” but what does she know anyway?! She fortunately had a small travel-size bottle of dry shampoo and she saved the day/my life!

My roommate thinks maybe the dry shampoo isn’t what I really need, but rather yoga or meditation or “definitely therapy.” Mind your own business, Rebecca! She’s washing and blow drying her hair everyday like a fool. Doesn’t she know she could be using that time to build an empire like me? “Who is Isabelle and why do I hear you talking to her?” I don’t need to explain myself to you, Rebecca! I don’t even need friends, because I have Isabelle.

Come to think of it, I don’t need a job. It doesn’t bring me the magic I can get from a can. “I don’t think quitting your job is a good idea.” Whatever, Rebecca! You just don’t get it! “Your mom texted me and she is wondering why you aren’t calling her back.” Jeez, Rebecca! I don’t need my family either, just the sweet relief of a waterless shower! I don’t even need you to read this. I could have used this time to build my dream life brick by brick all while smelling like hibiscus and confidence.

I have been can-pilled, and my eyes are open. “Traditional hygiene” is just a construct that Big Wet Shampoo wants us to buy into to keep us from reaching our full potential.

Gibson Announces the “More Paul” Weighing In at 43 Pounds

Posted on July 5, 2021 by John Danek

NASHVILLE — Legendary guitar manufacturer Gibson Brands, Inc. announced an incredibly weighty successor to its famous Les Paul guitar, monikered the More Paul, sources who did not ask for this confirmed.

“No guitar has been more influential to heavy music than the Gibson Les Paul, so we designed a guitar to match that heaviness by adding a backbreaking 31 pounds to it,” stated Gibson’s Director of Brand Experience Mark Agnesi, who was beginning to show signs of adult-onset scoliosis. “The More Paul takes everything you love about the Les Paul, but adds lead inserts throughout its mahogany body. That means two things: the More Paul guitar is the heaviest guitar on the market, and it legally can’t be sold in the state of California.”

The guitar playing community had mixed reactions to Gibson’s radical new design.

“I already can’t play a Les Paul as it is. My spine can’t support 12 pounds of wood for more than two songs,” admitted Dorothy Lammela, lead guitarist of doom metal band Embalming Druid. “Also, they made the More Paul like, 30% bigger. Did they not test the design on a human being with tits? What am I supposed to do, tuck the More Paul’s body under my right boob when I play? No wonder every other band I know plays Fenders. It’s like Gibson only tests guitars out on Guy Fieri.”

Tone-chasing guitar connoisseurs debated whether or not increasing the weight of a guitar by such a dramatic amount offered any noticeable benefits.

“More weight equals more tone, real guitarists have known this for years. And more tone equals better songwriting, so why isn’t anyone streaming my latest single?” sighed guitar YouTuber Dirk Mitchell. “I have the best guitars, the most expensive amps, approximately 700 pedals, and I can’t get a single song on Spotify above the ‘< 1,000 plays’ mark. I can barely pay alimony, and it was all in the quest for tone. Anyway, as long as the More Paul costs less than $12,000, you can bet your ass that I’m going to buy it.”

Hot on the heels of the More Paul announcement from Gibson, B.C. Rich announced a new guitar featuring barbed wire in the place of standard guitar strings.

Review: Beastie Boys “Some Old Bullshit”

Posted on July 4, 2021 by Kevin Tit

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we cover the 1994 compilation album “Some old bullshit”, by the 1980’s New York hardcore band turned International rap legends, The Beastie Boys.

“Brass Monkey” is a song we all love. It’s also a drink I’ve made countless times and only once has it made me shit my pants. I’m not sure what went wrong there but it may be responsible for ruining what could have otherwise been the greatest date I’ve ever been on.

We met on Tinder. It was still brand new back then. She was a Teacher’s Assistant for a special needs class at the local elementary school. We both connected over our love for the Beastie Boys and that’s when she admitted to never having tried a Brass Monkey. It was the perfect setup for what should have been the perfect date.

I got a haircut, ironed my clothes, and put on the cleanest shoes I owned, which just so happened to be a pair of fresh white Adidas superstars. The ones all New York rappers in the ’80s used to wear. I was looking fresh and feeling like a million bucks.

We started with some baked ziti for dinner at the Sbarro’s in the Hinkley Mall Food Court before sneaking in some King Cobra forty ounces to a screening of the 2012 masterpiece “That’s my boy” starring Adam Sandler and Andy Sandberg. Everything was going so well until about halfway through the movie when she reached for my hand. The butterflies in my stomach started to flutter with more intensity than I had ever felt in my life.

Then, before I could even appreciate the moment, the floodgates in my ass just flew off the hinges and next thing I knew I was sitting in hot wet shit. I tried to play it cool but there was no way she wouldn’t notice. The whole theater noticed and everybody walked out gagging at the foul odor slowly filling the room. I watched the last forty five minutes of the movie completely alone and had to toss my shit-covered Adidas in the trash on the way out.

I’m not sure what to blame for the accident. The warm King Cobra I picked up at the corner store across the street from the mall, the discount OJ from the same corner store, or the baked ziti itself. Maybe it was the combination of them all?

I never had a Brass Monkey ever again. That song isn’t even on this record. I guess I got a little sidetracked. The songs on this one are extremely fun and memorable. Like that date should have been. If you’re a fan of lo-fi blown-out ’80s hardcore and the charm of weird interstitial sampling, you’ll love this record.

Score: forty out of forty ounces of orange juice spiked malt liquor.

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Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we cover the 1994 compilation album “Some old bullshit”, by the 1980’s New York hardcore band turned International rap legends, The Beastie Boys.

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