I Don’t Listen to Mainstream Music Unless No One’s Around, Then I Do Exclusively

Posted on by Bobby Korec

I despise popular music. I frequently make it known that I exclusively listen to bands that are so obscure, they aren’t even on Spotify or Apple Music. Hell, some of ’em don’t even have an official recording yet, because I only listen to bands who haven’t played their first show. I don’t listen to bands. I listen to band practices. That’s how underground my music taste is. Unless, of course, I’m completely by myself. Then it’s nothing but Imagine Dragons on repeat.

Some might say I’m leading a double life. But do you think a guy leading a double life would hide in his room huddled under the covers using noise-canceling headphones on the lowest volume possible so none of his roommates would hear that he’s totally vibing to Taylor Swift right now? Do you?? Seriously, do you think they can hear?

And sure, my roommates are also huge fans of Tay Tay, so I’d probably fit in better if I just admitted my secret reverence for The Swift One. But honestly, human connection is far less important to me than the ability to one-up people during conversations about music.

Sure, I’ve come close to admitting my love of popular music. But the minute my roommates talk about Ariana Grande or Olivia Rodrigo, it triggers some sort of autoimmune response to repeat words like “overrated” or “basic” while reminding them that my music taste is so advanced that it exempts me from having to present examples of what I consider good music.

It might sound frivolous to clear my Spotify searches every hour so no one finds out that I frequently listen to Billie Eilish’s deep cuts, but I can’t look my roommates in their ocean eyes if they find out I’ve listened to music that other people have heard before.

Punk Kicked out of Scene After Getting Approved for Discover Card

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

POCATELLO, Idaho — Local punk Tyler Christensen was purged from the punk community after it was discovered that he had been approved for a Discover Card, outraged sources report.

“Don’t know what got up everyone’s ass about me having a credit card. It’s not like it’s going to change anything,” stated the posh motherfucker while checking his cash back rewards. “I figured everyone would be happy, because I got a pretty decent line of credit and could buy drinks and shit. But they just started calling me names like ‘Moneybags’ and ‘Rockefeller,’ which kind of hurt. Now I’m being boxed out of events, and one of my friends told me maybe I’d be more comfortable hanging out at Red Lobster.”

Members of the scene admitted they were disgusted to find out that someone they considered a friend would voluntarily participate in the credit system.

“You need to have a pretty well established credit score in order to get approved for a card as prestigious as Discover. This means that Tyler has been working behind our backs, taking out loans, paying off bills on time, and having a premium Experian account,” noted prominent scene member Luke Petersen. “It makes me fucking sick to think that when he was ordering takeout to our squat he was using his own credit card to earn ‘points’ or whatever. We have a policy of only using stolen credit cards. He violated our trust. I’m not sure how to fix that.”

Experts on punk economics noted that divisions such as this are regular, but usually temporary.

“Members of the punk community often are ostracized by any perceived financial success, which is viewed as selling out. I think this will blow over, though; it’s just a Discover Card, and they offer those to everyone who turns 18,” said economist Anand Dugar. “Once [Christensen] realizes he has to pay back all the charges and is driven into destitution by interest rates and collection fees, he’ll be brought back into the scene, though not without a good deal of ball-breaking that, much like his debt, he will never be able to recover from. He’ll be back to selling scrap metal for beer money before you know it.”

At press time, another prominent member of the scene was put on probation after it was discovered they invested money in the stock market.

Old Man Clearly Not Hip to the Lingo White Kids Are Appropriating These Days

Posted on by Rachel Steele

SAN FRANCISCO — Retired senior citizen Roger Jenkins completely lost touch with the youth in his community by falling behind on their newly appropriated lingo, sources confirmed.

“Back in my day, it was ‘dope’ this and ‘fo’ sho’ that, but these days kids are appropriating a whole novel of new slang. How can I possibly keep up?” explained Jenkins. “I won’t even tell you about the look I got from my grandson, Jaydyn, when he had to explain how my glasses were ‘that new drip.’ What the heck is drip? I just don’t see why we can’t tell each other ‘looking dope, my homie,’ like we did in the old days, no harm done!”

Jenkins’s daughter, Krystyne Paynes, explained the emotional labor of keeping her father in the loop of her day-to-day life when he can’t even understand what she’s saying.

“So here’s the tea, sis. My old man is still rattling off old slang like ‘shizzle,’ and ‘homie,’ when obviously that was appropriated, like, decades ago!” she said, while adding another handful of craisins to her mayo-saturated potato salad. “Yesterday, I had to explain to him how thicc my bestie got since getting pregnant. She went from a size three to a size four, and he asked if that just means ‘fat.’ Can you believe it? ‘Thicc’ is way more empowering to women than ‘fat,’ yas queen! My pops just needs to get with the times or he’s gonna get dragged.”

Linguistics professor Ross Sherman about the evolution of American slang.

“Every generation comes with its own slang, and many are borrowed from different groups. You got ‘tubular’ from surfers, ‘shreddin’ from skaters, even some random terms from baseball players in popular phrases,” said Sherman. “Studies show that the average wait time is four to five weeks before a new term or phrase in many of these subcultures becomes popular with the common population, and 0.35 seconds before anything from AAVE is spoken on live television by Jimmy Fallon.”

At press time, Jenkins was seen searching for his daughter’s wig after she claimed someone snatched it.

Punk Didn’t Realize Being an Anarchist Would Require so Much Reading and Social Organizing

Posted on by Stephen Bell

BALTIMORE — Local punk and wannabe anarchist Kevin Tomlin was upset to discover being an anarchist would require community involvement and not just make him an agent of chaos, confirmed multiple sources trying to get the punk to help with mutual aid programs.

“When I first heard of anarchy, I figured it meant I could do what I want all the time without any pigs telling me what to do,” said Tomlin while watering down fireworks he initially wanted to set off in a library. “That idea went to shit when I tried to join a local anarchist group and they all turned out to be a bunch of nerds. They basically gave me homework and asked if I’d like to distribute anti-capitalist pamphlets. Where’s the molotovs, the destruction, the stealing of police horses? Instead they gave me some book entitled ‘The Conquest of Bread’ and told me to read up. If I wanted to conquer bread I’d just throw a brick through the window at the Piggly Wiggly.”

Members of the Baltimore anarchist collective “Edgar Allan Anarchists” liked Tomlin’s zeal, but felt he was a bit misguided about their motives.

“We aren’t against using violence as a means of overthrowing the current oppressive capitalist regime,” said organizer Erika Thompson. “But that doesn’t mean we enjoy the violence on the same level as Kevin. I’m starting to think he might be a cop, given his aversion to reading and his quick temper. Maybe this guy isn’t an anarchist and he’s just insane. He offered to burn down the local police precinct which was tight, but then suggested we burn down the elementary school… and his ex-girlfriend’s house… let’s just say I didn’t hand him my lighter when he asked for it.”

Loyola political science professor Dr. Leonard Driver felt that Tomlin needed a better lesson in political theory.

“Realistically, what most anarchists advocate for is really boring local level direct democracy,” stated Driver. “People would work the farms, share the food, and meet up in the afternoon to decide what’s best for the local community. If you really think about it, this kind of means the Amish are probably the best model of anarchism we have available. Add in some free love elements, and most anarchists are just Amish people that fuck.”

At press time, Tomlin reportedly found himself fitting in excellently with a group of libertarians.

We Put 1,000 Monkeys in a Room With 1,000 Typewriters to Prove Some Jackass Point and They Didn’t Write Anything and Some People Got Hurt and We Are in a Lot of Trouble

Posted on by Dan Rice

Well, it would appear that we underestimated the lyric-writing ability of Aerosmith by just a tad. It all started with a joke about that old adage “1,000 monkeys in a room with 1,000 typewriters given 1,000 years will reproduce the works of Shakespeare.” Someone cracked that it would probably take them 3 minutes to bang out the lyrics to “Pink.” We all agreed it was the funniest joke in the world, and then someone (NOT ME!) says “Hey, wouldn’t it be funny if we really did that?”

Well, it turns out something that’s funny on paper can be the most horrifying and devastating experience of your entire life when put into practice. Every step of bringing this idea to fruition got us into deeper and deeper trouble legally, financially, and ethically.

Let’s start with step one: procuring the monkeys. As we quickly found out, not only are reputable animal handlers expensive, but they do not typically deal “in bulk.” Finding a dealer who could hook us up with that many primates at once in our price range took us down some pretty dark roads, figuratively and literally. Did you know that there are still opium dens? Anyway, we wound up working with a one-eyed Australian man named Shivy.

After swindling an antiques society into believing that we were assembling a museum display on the history of the typewriter, we had a Ramada Inn conference room full of antique typewriters, each one valued at “priceless,” awaiting their respective monkeys.

Shivy showed up with his monkey truck, and immediately there were issues. I don’t know many groups of 1,000 monkeys, but I can just about guarantee this was the saddest and scariest group of 1,000 monkeys you could ever meet. Many of the monkeys were visibly sick. Many were hyper-aggressive. Some of the monkeys were visibly sick with something that was making them hyper-aggressive.

Some of the monkeys were clearly just human babies in monkey costumes. I don’t know how that was cheaper, but that’s what the guy gave us.

We confronted Shivy about the state of the monkeys, but barely got a word out before he fired back, “Is you callin Shivy a lia?!” Then he started making this big production out of telling us what happened to the last guy to call Shivy a liar, like he was trying to win some “scary Australian-being” contest. It was clear that talking back to Shivy was a dangerous non-starter, and to quote another old saying, sometimes there’s nothing left to do but set the timer, watch the monkeys work and let the chips fall where they may.

Would you believe these monkeys did not type word one? Nope, too busy killing, raping and eating each other like, immediately. Some of the savvier ones did find the priceless typewriters useful as bludgeoning tools. I had never before seen so much blood and viscera, and that was before the Ramada Inn staff came into the hall with the brunch buffet we forgot to cancel. Those monkeys were on those poor workers like Ramada Inn guests on a brunch buffet. The few that did survive were the ones unlucky enough to discover that the virus making those monkeys so aggressive could jump to humans.

Long story short, the infected monkeys and hotel staff broke containment and we’re getting a lot of fingers pointing at us from a lot of different directions. I guess it’s like, not a zombie pandemic, but like not not a zombie pandemic? Who knew that executing one joke could make us public enemy number one with the CDC, FEMA, PETA, The Historical Society, The Ramada Inn, the Australian Mafia, the Police, the F.B.I. and countless families of victims all at once?

At least we learned our lesson. Next time we try this, it will be much smoother.

Hootie and the Blowfish Clarify That the Bassist Is Actually Hootie, Not the Singer

Posted on by Bobby Korec

COLUMBIA, S.C. — Local band and 1996 American Music Awards “Favorite Adult Contemporary Artist” nominee Hootie and the Blowfish released a statement yesterday identifying the bass player as the one in the group formally known as Hootie, not the singer as more commonly thought, sources who didn’t know what to make of that information confirmed.

“Just because I’m the singer, primary songwriter, and only recognizable member of the band doesn’t necessarily mean I’m Hootie. Kind of weird to just assume that,” said frontman Darius Rucker while showing his birth certificate as evidence of his real name. “You see, most bands hide their bass player. Not the B-Fish. Ours is front and center. Also, I really need for people to stop shouting ‘Hootie’ at me in the street. It’s been 25 years and it’s incredibly emasculating. So please, scream it at our bassist instead.”

For his part, bass player Dean “Hootie” Felbar did not seem enthused by the name.

“You accidentally refer to the restaurant Hooters as ‘Hooties’ just once, and you literally never live it down,” said Felbar. “Back in the day, I suggested we call ourselves the Blowfish because just like the aquatic animal, we tended to puff up our chests when we felt threatened by a rival soft rock band at the same gig. But my bandmates really wanted to drive home the Hootie reference for some reason, so we did what any normal band would do and compromised to form an even less coherent name. That’s how democracy works, right?”

Experts chimed in on band naming conventions.

“Naming your band is one of the most difficult decisions you’ll ever have to make in life,” said music critic Jeanine Maricone. “Your name has to be meaningful to you or else it just looks like you’re not taking it seriously. Look no further than Hoobastank. It’s clearly so deep and personal to them, yet it doesn’t make any sense to the rest of the world. Simply profound, I assume.”

At press time, the band announced they were changing their name to Darius Rucker and Hootie and the Blowfish to avoid any further confusion.

Oh, You’re a Joe Rogan Fan? Make 3 of the Dumbest Statements I’ve Ever Heard in My Entire Life

Posted on by Dan Rice

Oh you’re into Rogan huh? Well, I call bullshit! You got band-wagon jumping poser written all over you bro. If you’re really a hardcore fan of The Joe Rogan experience, prove it by making 3 outrageously stupid and provably untrue claims, now.

What’s the matter bro? I’m waiting. Aren’t you going to tell me I don’t need the Covid vaccine? You’re not gonna break down how Antifa militants started the Oregon wildfires? Any Rogan fan worth his Muscle Milk would have told me how Brazilian’s make the most aggressive fighters because of brain parasites by now. Jesus dude, do you even have a problem with feminists?

Don’t try to tell me you just feel “on the spot,” because even the most flustered Joe Rogan fan can fire out “Pretty soon straight white men won’t be allowed outside.” Also, a real Rogan fan would never feel “on the spot” because his mind is always prepared, thanks to a heavy regiment of OnIt brand nootropics, lions mane mushroom and DMT.

Bro the fact that you’re not even spewing borderline hate speech about trans athletes right now just makes me sad for you bro.

Fake fans like you make me sick. I bet you got vaccinated against Covid even though you didn’t need to because you’re young and healthy and spreading the virus to other people is a totally different conversation.

Seriously dude, all this time and you can’t even tell me that I need to eat more elk to become a super predator? You’re not going to warn me about the media’s attempts to cover up Joe Biden’s dementia?

You probably don’t even think it’s funny that Joey Coco Diaz only books female comedians if they blow him. You disgust me.

I wish the singularity was here already so that our brains were linked to the matrix and I could download your thoughts and show everyone what a poser you are, but that shits like 5 years away. Plus everyone else will be able to read your thoughts anyway so it would be pointless, not that your poser-ass already knew that or anything.

Do you even say “That’s interesting” after hate-group leaders rant at you? Get out of my face.

Here’s How Many Puppies Emma Stone Killed in Preparation For Her Role in “Cruella”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Move over, Christian Bale. There’s a way more method-y actor in Hollywood, and it’s none other than 2021’s Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards nominee for Favorite Voice From an Animated Movie, Emma Stone.

In her latest film, Stone plays Cruella de Vil Estella von Hellman, a Disney villain known primarily for beating the ever-living shit out of dogs. Reportedly, her research included completely annihilating a few pups in order to get in the animal abuser mindset for the movie franchise that’s historically meant for children.

All in all, Stone personally killed about three dogs total before filming, which is far less than she had originally anticipated. The actress initially requested a full set of 101 dogs in her contract to align more with the Dalmation universe. However, Disney didn’t really think more than a few were necessary, as they stated, “once you murder a couple dogs, you pretty much get the gist.”

Sure, this all may sound “cruel” on the surface, until you realize Stone made certain that the dogs were rescued from no-kill animal shelters. Stone has been vocal about her feelings on breeders, and believes buying your dog from one is “unforgivably immoral.”

Buttons, the first puppy to get axed in the name of art and massive profit, went by way of the knife. Don’t worry — other than Buttons’ desperate writhing and blood-curdling screams, Stone confirmed that she was killed humanely.

Casey was the next to go. Stone decided to gun down this pup instead of using a knife. Turns out stabbing was a little too messy, and she claimed her character wasn’t some sort of monster that would end a dog’s life in that particular way, anyway.

The last to go was Miles. This one was actually the neighborhood dog who Stone accidentally ran over with her car one morning. While this murder wasn’t necessarily premeditated, she used the mental image of the mangled dog as bonus research and even kept the carcass around for a few days before throwing it in the trash. Stone was relieved to find out this one had been a rescue dog, too.

The “Zombieland: Double Tap” actress received backlash for her unorthodox style of preparation, but noted that all the dogs were ugly as hell, so it shouldn’t be that big of a deal.

Punk House Argument Over Fixing Carbon Monoxide Detector Settled Suddenly and Quietly

Posted on by Rick Homuth

NAMPA, Idaho — A punk house dispute over fixing a carbon monoxide detector was abruptly resolved after every single resident passed out at once, lightheaded sources reported.

“We kept hearing this beeping sound for months. I was pretty sure it was some alarm, but my roommate Doug [Schafer] insisted it was nothing,” said Angela Margalus, drummer in a band that was rehearsing in the Hellcore House basement at the time of the incident. “But I knew something was up after Dougie puked a couple times early on at practice, which isn’t exactly out of the ordinary, but it was 11 a.m. and he’d only been drinking beer, not any liquor or nothing. After he went lights out, we rushed upstairs to get help and found everyone else passed out, too.”

Schafer claimed to remember little of the once-heated debate over the malfunctioning detector.

“Man, I don’t remember shit besides the roomies getting their diapers all filled the fuck up over nothing,” Schafer said of what doctors called “the worst case of carbon monoxide poisoning we’ve ever seen” while also discovering three unrelated rashes, a pair of tick bites, a staphylococcus infection, and a mysterious neck lump. “There was something about an alarm or whatever, or maybe I might’ve let the cats out again, I still don’t know what anyone’s talking about. I swear, it’s one thing after another with these fuckin’ assholes. You’d think they’d be a little more polite for people who bother me every month for my share of the electric bill.”

Tensions began to re-emerge at the house as various residents woke up from “weirdly long naps” they insisted were unrelated to the carbon monoxide detector.

“Now, I don’t know what just happened, but people around here gotta learn to respect the space and those around them,” said Dwayne Shanahan. “Like me, right? I’m 33 years old, practically an adult. If the smoke alarm beeps all night I don’t fuckin’ complain about it, I pry it out of the wall and toss it out in the dumpster like a normal person. That’s grown man shit. No one’s mommy is here to ignore that stuff for them.”

At press time, several thousand dollars in damage were amassed after a chirping sound coming from the hallway was dismissed as “probably someone’s phone or something.”

Opinion: Call Me Old-Fashioned, but All Genres of Music Are Satanic

Posted on by Constantine Platanias

As music continues to evolve, the debate over which genres are the work of Lord Satan himself becomes more complicated. Sure there are the on-the-nose choices like heavy metal or black metal or really any kind of metal, but what about Dub-step? Where should the church stand on chill-wave, dark-wave, or whatever the hell vapor-wave is? Well, call me old-fashioned, but I think all genres of music come directly from Satan’s black heart.

Back in my day, all we needed were the sounds of leaves rustling, hoes tilling the field, and our preachers warning us against the wicked temptation of rhythm. Now those were real noises! Listening has become unbearable ever since people started composing harmonic melodies.

I really don’t know what’s wrong with this generation. Women today would rather listen to Olivia Rodrigo than their husband’s commands. When did silence go out of style?

Some people think that when you play ‘Stairway to Heaven’ backward, you’ll hear a hidden Satanic message. Well, they’re not wrong, but it’s also Satanic when you play it forward.

There’s a reason why listening to Taylor Swift can feel like you’re being tortured by a demon. It’s because you are. In fact, almost all musicians are demons. Another example is Adele, who was hatched eons ago in the Seventh Circle of Hell. ‘Hello’ is what she sings to lost souls while bathing them in molten lava.

Of all these wicked genres, ‘Christian rock’ is by far the worst. This is the son of God we’re talking about here, not an ex-girlfriend. I go to church every day of the week and even I think they’re a little too fixated on Jesus. Seriously, get a hobby.

Maybe you think it’s “cool” to go to hell so you can “rock out” with your favorite musicians. Indeed Satan, in all likelihood has a super-group down there comprised of Jimmy Hendrix, Kurt Cobain, Tupac, Mozart, Orpheus, The Partridge Family and all the rest. But is that really worth your eternal soul?