New Film Sees James Bond Hunt Down Amazon Worker Who Left to Pee

Posted on by Jonah Nink

HOLLYWOOD — Shortly after its acquisition by Amazon, MGM and Eon Productions announced this morning that the next James Bond film will follow the titular super spy as he tracks down a rogue fulfillment center worker who left their workstation to go pee, confirmed terrified and overworked sources.

“Bond has faced all manner of supervillains and megalomaniacs, but does he have what it takes to match wits with someone who clearly has no regard for workplace efficiency?” said Eon Productions spokesperson Sandra Herman. “007 will be in a race against the clock to ensure that the world’s Amazon Prime members get their same-day shipping, as well as let everyone know about the evils of unionizing. Fans should expect the same globe-trotting action and suspense that the series is known for, but I hope that they’ll leave the theater with a newfound appreciation for what it means to respect the company’s time.”

Daniel Craig will once again reprise his role as Bond, while his new blue-collar nemesis will be played by Willem Dafoe.

“When I first read the script, I thought, ‘Is this guy really evil? Seems like he just had to pee,’” said Dafoe. “I brought it up to Jeff Bezos, who also wrote the script, but he assured me that I would be playing the most evil character Bond had ever faced. An ‘inconsiderate piece of shit worker,’ in his words. He then muttered something about ‘replacing all of the fuckers with robots’ before storming off to his solid gold trailer.”

Following the announcement, Eon Productions showed a clip from the film in which James Bond explained to Amazon workers why they don’t deserve a living wage.

“A lot of us were actually invited to be extras on the production,” said Marty Hernandez, an Amazon worker and union organizer. “It was fun at first, but things got weird when the director told us that all the bullets were live rounds and kept asking all of the union leaders to stand next to the exploding stunt cars. I don’t want to assume any foul play, but the Amazon executives seemed almost disappointed that none of us were hurt.”

At press time, MGM and Amazon announced a new “Rocky” reboot that sees a young Rocky give up boxing to become a Whole Foods cashier.

Man on Flight Unsure if It’s Against Rules to Lower Mask to Use Vomit Bag

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — A passenger on American Airlines Flight 3077 was reportedly concerned whether he was allowed to lower his mask in order to use the provided vomit bag or expected to puke into his mask, confirmed grossed out, but equally confused sources.

“I’ve tried to be cautious throughout the entire pandemic,” said Alvin Brooks, whose flight to Phoenix was punctuated by frequent, urgent needs to vomit profusely. “When the CDC said to wear a mask and socially distance, I wore two masks and didn’t come near another human being for weeks. But things have gotten so confusing, I’m not sure what to do anymore. It feels wrong to pull my mask down in public, even if my mouth is filling up with bile. But on the other hand, why would they still be providing vomit bags if we’re not supposed to be using them?”

“Just a second,” Brooks continued, desperately trying to push vomit back down his esophagus as the airplane hit a patch of turbulence. “I just need…a second.

Jane Bashir, an attendant on Flight 3077, was grateful for Brooks’ consideration.

“Flying while puking is alway dicey,” Bashir said while keeping an eye on a passenger chugging a bloody mary. “Most people are nightmares nowadays, and it’s not like they were great even before. That guy over there is basically leaking fluids out of all his orifices, but he’s still better than half of the passengers who think it’s infringing on their constitutional rights to be told not to piss in a bottle because the bathroom is occupied.”

Jake Jacobs, a spokesperson for the Federal Aviation Administration, was well aware of current confusions.

“Mr. Brooks isn’t alone,” Jacobs said. “There’s so many conflicting opinions, stances and reports about when it’s appropriate to wear a mask, how far to distance, even whether you’re creating a hazard by completely losing it and spewing all over the back of the seat in front of you. While we try to keep passengers as up to date as possible, it’s difficult for there not to be some uncertainty about when and where it’s okay to blow chunks on a plane.”

As of press time, the passenger seated next to Brooks was upset to learn that the in-flight meal was shepherd’s pie.

Opinion: If Aliens Are Real, I’m DTF

Posted on by Sophie Len

Hold on to your butts because this is huge. The government has officially confirmed the existence of UFOs and, presuming there really are aliens out there, I’m officially confirmed DTF.

Could this be true? I just want to fucking believe in aliens. Sorry, I mean I believe I want to fuck these aliens. It’s not weird. Look, if we’re comparing what kind of car someone drives to how they are in bed, then I can only imagine what an alien driving a flying saucer could do to me. As long as the alien isn’t overcompensating with, like, the alien equivalent of UFO truck nuts (which I guess is still truck nuts), then abduct me, daddy!

So Aliens, if you’re out there and you’re reading this: my DMs are open. I don’t know if you know what that means here on Earth, but it’s basically like beaming into my house to abduct me, except it’s my Instagram and it’s to send me a pic of that 10-pronged alien dick.

I hear stories all the time about other people getting visitations from you, and I can’t help but wonder, why them? I want you to know that I am open-minded and up for anything. Let’s experiment. Let’s go crazy! Maybe we can even have a ménage à trois and get NASA involved. Bring in the Space Force, call Bob Lazar, go on Joe Rogan’s podcast, whatever. Just let it be known that I am “probe-friendly,” if ya know what I mean.

Some people fear that you’ll conquer and destroy us. Well, you’re more than welcome to conquer and destroy me. Take all of my resources and leave me lying submissively while you order an intergalactic Uber, never to be seen again. Please aliens, fulfill my fantasy. Oh, one thing though. I have space chlamydia. Hope that’s not a dealbreaker.

Yngwie Malmsteen Lists Self as Biggest Influence

Posted on by Cory Cousins

MIAMI — Famed guitar wizard Yngwie Malmsteen revealed that his biggest musical influence as a precocious axe shredder was none other than himself and absolutely nobody else, Malmsteen confirmed several times.

“Other so-called guitarists drone on and on about people who they learned from and who they were inspired by, but that’s never even been something I think about. When I want to be inspired I just look in the mirror, or listen to any of my multiple masterpieces,” said Malmsteen from his golden, guitar-shaped royal throne. “I am without a doubt the most innovative and talented man to ever touch the guitar, so who could ever influence me? I feel bad for anyone that played a guitar before I was alive, because those poor souls never got to experience a guitar played at its full potential. I surprise myself on a regular basis about how brilliant I am. I’m quite impressive, honestly.”

Nils Rosengard, a former touring bassist for Malmsteen, elaborated on how Malmsteen operates as not only a musician, but as a human being.

“Yngwie is a goddamn nightmare,” said Rosengard. “He is of course very demanding as a musician and band leader. I get that. But it spills over into everyday, mundane conversation. You really can’t suggest anything to that fucking guy. This one time, we were on tour in Japan and I proposed he should try a ramen spot I always visit in Tokyo. He turned sharply to me and said, ‘Only silly little poser boys eat ramen. Fuck off to your little noodle hut!’ I later found out that he only eats pickled herring and meatballs whenever he is on tour.”

Well-known music documentarian Studs Heslin shared in many people’s frustration while attempting to film a movie about the egomaniacal string picker.

“It soon became very obvious that Malmsteen was a narcissist of the highest order,” revealed Heslin. “I try to find some redeeming and sympathetic qualities in all of my subjects, but holy shit, that guy was my white whale. The only footage I got was hours and hours of Malmsteen playing scales at 300 bpm while gyrating, because he said that was all my ‘feeble’ brain could comprehend.”

Malmsteen was last seen staring into a hand mirror and kissing it.

Opinion: I’m Going To Drink Enough Capri Sun To Become a Water-Person or Die Trying

Posted on by Dan Rice

Here’s a parenting question for you all: At what age do you tell your child that they are expected to give up on their greatest dreams? The answer is never, you monster. Just because the first number of my age starts with a three instead of a one doesn’t mean my heart has ever stopped wanting what it wants. I’m tired of putting up the front and swallowing the great “adulting” lie. I refuse to waste another minute of my life conforming to what’s “expected.”

The time is now. I am fully grown, and I have made my choice. I have the means, I have the resources, I have the drive. Starting this very moment, I will be drinking Capri Sun and I will not stop drinking Capri Sun until I have either become an Alex Mac water person like in those dope-ass commercials, or drop dead.

I have come to accept the fact that the Capri Sun commercial where Capri Sun turns people into water-beings with a single sip changed me forever. I’ll never forget the first time I saw it. I was catching a “Power Rangers” rerun before the bus came to get me. Dad was yelling at my older brother for not putting gas in the car, Mom was making french toast, and just as the smell of the vanilla began to waft into my room, I saw the miracle. My mind was full of liquid-biological possibilities, and I knew deep in my heart that no other mode of existence would do for me.

Look, I’m not an idiot. I know the science says that if I pound these sugary drinks long enough I will go into diabetic shock and slip into a coma. Best case scenario, someone finds me while I’m still breathing and I wake up in the hospital. But maybe, just maybe, dreams are stronger than science. Isn’t that worth the risk? To know, once and for all, whether or not there is magic in this world? Maybe it’s just that no one has ever had this level of spiritual, mental and physical commitment to an impossible task before.

If I pull this off, I promise never to use my aqua-power for evil, like robbing banks and stuff, which I could do easily, and the police would be powerless to stop me. No, I will merely roam the land on a series of skateboards, roller blades and razor scooters, spreading awesomeness wherever I go and reminding everyone that nothing keeps you cool like a refreshing blast of Capri Sun.

The only real drawback I can see is outliving my loved ones, and eventually the entire human race. Water doesn’t age, and I will no longer need food or oxygen to survive, as I will subsist on pure radicalness.

Okay, here I go, don’t try to stop me, and don’t try to tell me that this is like the time I thought eating a Slim Jim would give me the strength I needed to jump my bike over that gorge. This is nothing like that.

Report: Subway Franchise Seems Better Managed Than One You Normally Go To

Posted on by Ian Yamamoto

TORONTO — A recent trip to an out-of-town Subway made you realize how much better managed it is than the Subway you normally eat at four times a week, you confirmed while eating an immaculate footlong sweet onion chicken teriyaki sub.

“This Subway has a lot going for it,” you thought to yourself while noticing that all the soda fountains were operational. “The lights are bright, and the place has all the ceiling tiles. The floors aren’t sticky anywhere, not even by the trash, which means someone is regularly mopping. The tomatoes are an actual shade of red. Not a dark red, a little orangey, in fact, but you could definitely describe it as red, unlike the distinctly pink, flavorless tomatoes at my normal place. And look, you don’t need to ask for a key to use the toilet. This is a nice Subway.”

Your coworker, who you wouldn’t call a friend exactly but is someone you’re chummy enough to grab lunch with now and then, felt that this Subway was actually lacking in quality compared to his normal franchise.

“This Subway is complete trash compared to the one near my apartment,” said your coworker Devin Price. “They were out of M&M cookies and Baked Cheetos. My place always has those stocked, and the cookies taste fresh as hell. And the customer service here is bad. Not a single one of the people knew my name when I walked in! Everyone knows my name at my usual Subway. These people hardly talk, they just take your order and move you along. I’m not looking for a sandwich-making robot. When I go to a restaurant I want to feel like I’m welcome.”

A Subway employee at the location you admire so much was caught off guard by the high praise.

“I mean, I guess it’s ok here. They make us wash our hands a lot,” said sandwich artist Tony Clark. “Our manager is kind of a hard ass. She’s always saying ‘If you got time to lean, you got time to clean’ and shit like that. I guess it’s cool that the guy was so excited that he gave me a $5 tip, and that sort of makes me wish I hadn’t put a pube in his friend’s food.”

At press time, you were posting a 45-second-long video on Instagram marveling at how the hotel shower water pressure was so much better than the water pressure in your apartment.

Missing House Shows? Here Are Five Alternatives That Will Also Leave You Sweaty In Somebody’s Basement

Posted on by Natalie Vinh

Social distancing regulations got you down? Losing your sense of identity without the ability to get drunk in a stranger’s basement and mosh until you’re sweaty and possibly nose-broken? Never fear! These five non-CDC-approved alternatives are the perfect way to end up moist and exhausted in an unfinished basement while still being able to tell people, “I care about herd immunity.”

Unauthorized Fight Club – Sick of all the rules and regulations involved in all the CDC-approved fight clubs? Well, the first rule about this Fight Club is that you don’t alert the CDC about Fight Club. An unauthorized violent gathering is a perfect way to get out some of that pandemic-related stress while still working up a sweat. You may even leave with some super cool bruises, just like in the pit at a house show!

Thievery – There’s nothing quite like the adrenaline rush that comes from getting away with low-level shoplifting. But if you really wanna work up a sweat, robbing someone’s basement may be the perfect solution! Plus, you’ll get hit with a wave of nostalgia, as this will surely bring you back to fond memories of stealing from house shows.

Medical Experiments – This past year has been all about believing in science. So with all the extra time and energy, why not dedicate your body and fluids to medical experiments? Put your safety concerns aside; this is important. Hell, you could be the one to help discover a cure for being a poser, which we assume is the medical experiment you’re best qualified for since you have all the symptoms.

Hot Yoga Led By the Old Man Hanging Out in the Park – When the old man who always hangs out in the park invites you to his basement for “hot yoga,” under typical circumstances, you would politely decline via a swift macing. But honestly, there’s not a lot of in-person exercise classes these days that offer the added bonus of mindfulness. Either that, or this is all some strange fantasy of his that probably isn’t certified by Big Yoga. Regardless, you’ll be sweating in a basement, which checks the only box that matters.

A Rousing Individual Game of Rock Band – No need to cut out house shows all together. Instead, put on a basement show for one by playing a rousing game of Rock Band against yourself. Between songs, you can even stand in the back with your arms crossed, rolling your eyes at the fake crowd while sipping a flask you snuck in to recreate the full experience.

Punk in Carhartt Averts Eyes, Sinks Into Seat After Waiter Asks if Carpenter in Building Amid Wobbly Chair Emergency

Posted on by Krissy Howard

BUFFALO, N.Y. — Local punk and Carhartt jacket-wearing dilettante Anthony Lynch avoided eye contact with fellow diners at a restaurant last night after a waiter asked if there was a carpenter in the building following a sudden furniture emergency, according to appalled sources.

“All was normal and everyone was just enjoying their dinners when suddenly, it happened — a two-top in the corner started moving all wonky outta nowhere. The customers noticed immediately, and the husband started to panic,” recalled server Russ Darden. “I immediately yelled for help, asking if there was anyone in the building qualified to step in, and everyone’s eyes darted over to this young guy in a Carhartt, dirty jeans, and Timberland boots. Surely this guy just came from a day building a house or demolishing a giant wall or something. But he just waved us away and sank down in his chair.”

Eyewitnesses confirmed the display of cowardice on Lynch’s behalf, and were “just relieved that the waters on that table ended up making it, although it was a really close call.”

“We all saw him walk in with that jacket, and it was a nice one, believe me: weatherproofed, extra insulation, everything,” said fellow Denny’s patron and Tonawanda resident, Denise Vanhoose. “To let people assume you might know your way around a jigsaw or at least have a damn pocket knife, when you haven’t had so much as a splinter, is just plain wrong. I bet that kid’s never even snapped a chalk line before. I heard he has some computer job. What a disgrace.”

Experts on the subject of human psychological disorders said that the attention-seeking behavior shown by Lynch is not uncommon, although still despicable.

“We’ve all experimented with clothing popular outside of our immediate subcultural styles. But parading around as someone who might need rugged, yet not rigid, outerwear to protect him from the elements while on the job is not only insulting, it can have dangerous consequences,” said criminal psychologist, Dr. Davida Sumpter. “For the safety of our communities and the 20-year-old tables, warped lawn furniture, and loose steps found within them, it’s my professional opinion that Lynch and people like him should not be allowed in public, ever, or trusted with disposable income of any amount. A Carhartt doesn’t even keep you that warm outside unless you’re moving around in it, so save me the spiel about lake-effect winds.”

At press time, the dining room was heard cheering as the table crisis was averted after a 15-year-old busboy shoved a few wadded up napkins under the uneven leg.

It’d Be Nice If the Government Agent Spying on Me Came Out to One of My Shows

Posted on by Kevin Tit

I’ve been playing anarcho-folk songs for the better part of a decade, so it’s no surprise that the Government has been keeping tabs on me and, to a lesser extent, my shopping habits. Well, whatever agent they sent to monitor me has done a terrible job at being discreet about it. How could I not notice a random bush sitting in front of my house? Or an ad for Pepsi popping up on my phone immediately after talking about how much I hate their ad campaigns? The only place I never seem to notice this motherfucker is out at one of my shows.

This has really been getting under my skin lately. It’s offensive, honestly. The fact that this faceless person from some anonymous government agency can just sit there watching my every move day in and day out while I’m doing absolutely nothing, yet they can’t come check me out when I’m playing 10 pm every Thursday night at Social Lenny’s Speakeasy? Something doesn’t add up. I assume their big boss is afraid that if they come to stake out one of my shows, a truth bomb will go off that’s so powerful the feds will lose their star agent to the lefties.

That’s gotta be it. If my music sucked, I could understand why they’d choose to wait in the parking lot, but that’s definitely not the case. I mean, nobody’s ever said anything negative about my work. Come to think of it, nobody’s ever said anything about my music. I actually can’t recall the last time anybody came to see me who wasn’t also performing. The more I think about it, this secret government agent is starting to sound like my dad, who I haven’t spoken to since I dedicated my entire life to the anarcho-folk movement.

Nude Picture Responded to With Thumbs Up Emoji

Posted on by Dianne Nora

TAMPA, Fla. — A nude photograph sent by a young woman to a new sexual partner early Saturday morning was allegedly responded to with only a thumbs up emoji, several sources have confirmed.

“I’m not usually one to send nudes, but things have been going pretty well with this new guy I’m seeing so I just thought, ‘What the hell.’ I saw those three dots linger for a pretty long time before I got the text back — just a giant thumbs up, not even with an eggplant or anything,” she said, surrounded by loved ones and first responders while struggling to articulate her feelings around receiving the emoji. “I think maybe I’m still in shock. You hear about this sort of thing happening to other people, but nothing can prepare you for the reality of it happening to you.”

Julia Morales, a friend of the victim, says she was aware the victim had been dating someone casually, but had no idea he was capable of such a gruesome act.

“I didn’t know him super well, but he seemed like a normal guy. Harmless, kinda quiet. To think he could do something like this,” Morales said, while clearly becoming overwhelmed with emotion. “I later learned that before she sent the nude she shared an astrology meme with him and he just replied ‘lol,’ and not even in caps or anything. Sick motherfucker. Someone should check on her.”

Experts say victims of thumbs up responses may take time to readjust to normal life, particularly while attempting to engage in intimate relationships.

“Before sufferers of unenthusiastic sexting are ready to return to their everyday lives, they need to re-establish a feeling of safety and trust,” explained James Clark, a counselor who specializes in rehabilitating victims of virtual sexual rejection. “If someone puts themselves back out there before taking time to grieve, process, and learn, they put their ego at risk of re-injury, which is easily spotted through increased social media use, sudden haircuts, or, in extreme cases, becoming musicians on YouTube.”

As for the victim, she said she hopes to one day recover from this a more grounded, stable person and added that her first step in the process is to “probably get shitfaced hammered or something.”