The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Woman’s Longest Relationship is With Tab That’s Been Open On Her Browser Since 2016

Posted on July 11, 2021 by Ted Pillow

SAN FRANCISCO — Christine Walker’s longest-running relationship is with a travel guide to Kyoto that’s been open as a browser tab on her laptop for five years, confirmed sources impressed with her apparent ability to avoid software updates.

“Just because we’re in a global pandemic, I only have $300 in my bank account, and I don’t have a passport doesn’t mean I won’t go to Kyoto eventually,” the 29-year-old Walker explained. “Dating has been hard the last year, but I get a lot of comfort from the 50 or so browser tabs I refuse to close for articles I haven’t read, recipes I haven’t tried, and DIY projects I haven’t started. If you ask me, managing all these tabs is a pretty big commitment. I may not have a significant other, but I do have a deep bond with the Wikipedia entry for the Bermuda Triangle, which I plan on reading at some point before I die.”

Walker’s friends have had some concerns regarding the perennially unread tabs.

“I’m not worried that Christine isn’t in a long-term romantic relationship,” noted friend Courtney Harrison. “If that’s what she wants, she’ll find it. But keeping a tab open for the time it takes to earn a bachelor’s degree? Just read it or close it, for Christ’s sake, you can Google it again. Looking at her computer is enough to send me spiraling. The number of icons she has on her desktop is completely fucking unhinged. Seriously, I’m talking full on boomer status.”

Relationship experts agreed that Walker’s situation is an increasingly common one.

“People are waiting longer to settle down, get married, and have kids,” stated Natalie Greene, host of a podcast about dating. “That means looking to other areas of life for the stability that relationships can bring. Usually, people find that reassurance in their job or from friends, pets, or productive hobbies, but browser tabs can also be a source of support. For me, it’s the pile of unopened mail that’s been sitting on my kitchen counter for several years. Who knows, maybe one day I’ll be able to pass it down to my children.”

As of press time, Walker had finally decided to close the Kyoto travel guide tab so that she could commit more time to almost reading an article about the best eyebrow pencils of 2018.

Report: Unclear If Headphones Broken or That’s Just How Neutral Milk Hotel Supposed to Sound

Posted on July 11, 2021 by Erin McLaughlin

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. — Local man Gabriel Danforth is plagued with uncertainty about whether his 13-month-old Skullcandy headphones are broken after hearing a concerning staticky noise, or if fuzz-folk is to blame, sympathetic sources confirmed.

“It was a literal nightmare,” said Danforth. “I was walking down the street when I noticed the static sound, and I freaked out because if I don’t have music to distract me, I start thinking too much and that always leads to trouble. I tried to keep the phone stiff in my hand for a bit, until I remembered that ‘Song Against Sex’ sounds like a bass is going through a meat processor. Honestly, the playlist I made pre-Lexapro could be responsible for this whole thing.”

Jason Zheng, an employee at the Shell gas station, witnessed Danforth’s frantic experience.

“He ran in all out of breath and asked if we had ‘any of those rip-off Apple dongle thingies,’” said Zheng while restocking Mountain Dew Code Red. “But then it suddenly looked like a lightbulb went off over his head. After circling the headphone stand for what seemed like an eternity and buying a pack of Marb Reds, he recited some lyrics about aeroplanes and communism and rushed out.”

Doctor Jane LoPresto, a music therapist, noted the psychological effects of Danforth’s experience.

“People often undergo severe psychological stress when they think that they need to purchase yet another pair of headphones,” said Doctor LoPresto. “Most obsessively thumb the wire to keep it in the perfect position when they think they hear the dreaded static. But really, they just need to stop listening to Neutral Milk Hotel and Alex G and finally invest in some goddamn Bluetooth headphones. 90% of the time, stress levels significantly decrease when they switch to a hi-fi pop song.”

At press time, Danforth is undecided about whether he should add his current headphones to the graveyard of the ones in his nightstand drawer, or if his recent Neutral Milk Hotel binge is a cause for him to stop ghosting his therapist.

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I Have a Medical Exemption for Your ‘No Shirt, No Shoes’ Rule Too

Posted on July 11, 2021 by Nariko Ott

Umm, actually, no, you can’t kick me out of this Wawa. My doctor said I can be in here. This note right here makes me exempt from your mask mandate. What’s that? You don’t require masks anymore? Well hold on, let me find my other note that says I’m medically exempt from your whole “no shirt, no shoes” bullshit too.

Keep your laws off my torso! And feet too, I guess, but I have flip flops in the car and I’ll go get those if I absolutely have to.

Look, my health is more important than your feelings or the Pennsylvania ServSafe Food Safety Program. Sorry, but you’re basically Hitler working a cash register right now. See, this is the land of the free, and those freedoms include “freeing the nipple,” like Benjamin Franklin, Sam Adams, and the rest of our topless founding fathers intended.

And my God, why are we allowing the Deep State and Wawa to force our feet into Skechers brand foot prisons? My feet are stained with the soil of America, buddy. Soil that our brave soldiers died thousands of miles away for oil for.

So in accordance with the Americans With Disabilities Act of 1990, which Republicans like me opposed, not only will I not be putting on a shirt, shoes, or mask; I will also not be wearing any helmet, seatbelt, or glasses when I drive. Or pants. See, I also have a medical condition where my “Proud Boys” need 10-12 hours of sunlight a day, or else they develop “holster rash” according to Dr. Eastwood.

Now can I please just purchase this 10-pack of Fireball shots for those teenagers over there?

Local Basement Venue Lifted Mask Mandate Last March

Posted on July 11, 2021 by John Hedrick

NEW YORK — Local venue Splatz Diner got a head start on lifting the mask mandate by declaring masks unnecessary since March 27, 2020, sources said.

“We tried the whole ‘social distancing’ thing but it just didn’t work with our venue. Typically everyone would adhere to the CDC guidelines but as soon as a breakdown hit, there was no way to have a socially distant pit, so we had to improvise,” explained venue owner Zach “Splatz” McPherson. “Even though we didn’t have a mask ordinance in place at our spot, I saw a bunch of people only lowering theirs to talk into the person’s ear who was next to them, so they could hear OK, and to do breath checks to make sure they weren’t too sloppy to drive home. We were all in that together, and still take the safety of the scene seriously.”

Although recent research shows that vaccines are effective without masks, some venue attendees are still hesitant to go to shows.

“The pandemic hit New York really hard in 2020 and I still think about that when I go out,” stated attendee Emma Hernandez. “Even though I’m vaccinated now, I would never step foot in that shithole ever again, that place is disgusting. It’ll be the epicenter of COVID until 2082. There’s no windows, the litter box is just the entire floor, and I’ve seen people having ‘pillow fights’ with the insulation that’s falling out of the drop ceiling. One time my friend and I went to a show there before the pandemic and I think he might have actually gotten polio. Lesson learned.”

Despite the outright refusal to adhere to CDC guidelines on behalf of the venue and many like it, experts expressed a silver lining.

“As we enter the end of this round of the COVID pandemic here in the United States, people are excited to get back out there and enjoy the things they didn’t get to do all year, or in some cases, continued to do quietly the entire time,” explained Dr. Anthony Fauci. “While we witness a steady decline in positive COVID-19 diagnoses over the last few months, the number of common cold and flu rates, positive STD tests, and mass shootings haven’t changed at all since February 2020 thanks to these efforts.”

In order to make people feel more safe, Splatz has begun to offer vaccines to anyone who pays a $10 cover.

Oil Lobbyist Gets Targeted Ad for Politician He Just Bought

Posted on July 10, 2021 by Dianne Nora

WASHINGTON — Harold Fortner, a lobbyist for a major petroleum company, reportedly received a targeted ad on his Facebook account for a politician he had already purchased this week.

“I’d finally buckled down and decided to buy this Missouri Congressman. This was the first politician I bought so I did a lot of research into how easily he can be swayed. I was happy with my purchase until I started getting a bunch of targeted ads for the same guy I just bought. I don’t need two of the same guy,” Fortner said. “It feels like a real breach of privacy that social media companies can just insert themselves into my life like this. I can’t believe that this corporation thinks my values can be so easily manipulated without promising some sort of kickback.”

Tracy Samuels, a Senior Vice President at Directions, an agency that focuses on digital ad placement, said that politicians are one of the major products advertised on social media today.

“Listen, we have so many of these politicians for sale we don’t even know what to do with the inventory. We recently ran a series of ads for a bundle of Texas Republicans that received a lot of engagement,” Samuels explained. “Some people assume the ads are based on things they’ve said or some surveillance, but it’s much simpler than that. We blanket Facebook with ads for anyone that’s interested in certain key phrases like ‘fracking,’ ‘pay to play,’ or ‘corporate malfeasance.’”

A freshman Congressman, who spoke to us anonymously, confirmed that he is only one of a glut of legislators being advertised online at the moment.

“I’ve already filed legislation that will force Big Tech to start doing a better job when trying to sell politicians. A lobbyist needs new options to keep them interested, we can’t have these financiers getting frustrated by ads and then going overseas,” the Congressman admitted. “That’s the sort of excess and inefficiency I came to Washington to fix. I’ve had amazing bipartisan support and I hope that by this time next month we will finally see some reform that helps serve the petroleum industry’s ability to grease palms.”

At press time, Fortner reported that after seeing the promise of social media advertising and the growing possibilities in the field, he was considering a career move to lobbying for big tech.

“Beast Mode,” Whispers Man at Reopened Golden Corral

Posted on July 10, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — Local diner Bill Frakes reportedly walked into a recently reopened Golden Corral restaurant and whispered “beast mode” while staring at the rows of buffet tables, disconcerted sources confirmed.

“I kind of don’t know what came over me,” Frakes said while grabbing a stack of plates and heading to a hot bar stocked with various meatloafs. “I heard myself say those words, but I’ll be honest, I don’t exactly know what it means. All I know is that I have a deep, uncontrollable compulsion to go to fucking town on that chafing dish of mashed potatoes over there, even though I know they’re going to be somehow both gluey and dry. And then after that, those fried ravioli are going down.”

“I’m not entirely certain how I got here, though,” Frakes added, slopping gravy over his plate and hand. “I hope my car is outside.”

Fellow customer Karla Zielinski commented that Frakes had an unsettling energy, even for a buffet restaurant.

“That guy over there is giving off some real funny vibes,” Zielinski said, loading up from the “Manager’s Choice” pie and cake table. “He’s been pacing like a wild animal, just filling plate after plate from the pasta bar, then the Mexican rice tray, then straight over to the fried fish. I saw him grab a handful of piping hot fried tilapia like it was nothing. I swear I heard a sizzle and got hit with the distinct smell of burnt flesh.”

Sherman Baine, Store Manager of the Golden Corral location, was unsurprised by Frakes’ utterance and subsequent domination of the taco bar and attached quesadilla station.

“We’ve actually been seeing a lot of this since reopening,” Baine reported, his hand near a security walkie-talkie at all times. “Something about the restrictions being relaxed, the reduced-capacity limits going away…it’s awakened something. Something primal and dark within our customers. I’ve never seen people eat like this. It’s beginning to get in my dreams. I just see an endless chain of Midwesterners in khakis, their hands full of plates, their plates full of our signature Golden Delicious Shrimp. I can’t get a moment’s rest.”

As of press time, Frakes was seen frantically headed to the restroom whispering, “Saturdays are for the boys” for an unknown reason.

Opinion: The 1st Amendment Should Count Extra if You’re Drunk and Uninformed

Posted on July 10, 2021 by James Knapp

I may not know much, and probably even less so now after that eleventh Jager bomb, but the one thing I know for sure is that the 1st amendment means even more if you have no information whatsoever. The 1st amendment is the free speech thing, right? I’m feeling a little loopy right now.

There’s nothing more American than driving your Chevy pickup truck down to the local mom and pop grocery store to buy a fresh apple pie and then getting into a screaming drunken argument with the cashier about whether or not the moon landing was fake. That’s your God-given right as an American citizen and don’t let anyone sober or smart tell you otherwise.

I may not spend my time reading a lot of fancy books and news articles and stop signs like some elitist middle school graduate, but if anything that means I have even more of a right to tell the bartender about how this country lost its way the minute we decided to stop using possum pelts as currency.

My forefathers bled for my right to yell “fire!” in a crowded movie theater or “loose tiger!” in an understaffed zoo. And no amount of PC fascism or court mandated AA meetings can strip me of that right.

If you want to fight me about it, you can’t. That’s what the first amendment does. Shields me from criticism and any negative consequences for my actions. Wanna tell me that’s not actually what the 1st amendment does? Well, I just polished off an entire case of Bud Lime so right now my opinion means more than yours.

So sure, I may not have all the facts. But what I do have is a whole hell of a lot stronger. It’s the unwavering and completely unearned confidence that I know more than you, and that there’s a centuries-old document of boring-ass laws that can somehow justify it. Between that and the three Miller High Lifes left in my glove compartment, that’s America to me.

Guitar Virtuoso Seeking Talentless Metal Vocalist to Ruin Songs

Posted on July 10, 2021 by Matt McInerney

RALEIGH, N.C. — Local guitar prodigy Demetri King began his grueling search for a metal vocalist to completely ruin and distract from the brilliant instrumentation on his upcoming album, sources close to the musician confirmed.

“I feel like these songs are everything I’ve been working toward. Countless hours practicing, the years of study at Berklee, the endless studio sessions. It’s been tough, but it’s all brought me to this point,” said King as he smacked his gum and swirled a glass of wine. “I’ve auditioned singers with piercing falsettos that would make your ears bleed. I’ve heard growls that would make your stomach turn. I’ve heard men squeal with such genuine pig energy, you’d think you were at a factory farm. Each vocalist would make a person instantly say ‘what the fuck is this?’ and turn the album off. There are just too many good options to choose from.”

Dustin Randi, a longtime friend and roommate of King, said he believes King should release an instrumental album instead.

“I’ve been there for the entire writing process. I’ve heard every riff and lick. These songs are brilliant, but I just can’t talk Demetri out of this idiotic fixation. He thinks the vocals are essential to the album,” said Randi. “He just keeps saying stuff like ‘can you even imagine “Unchained” without that David Lee Roth interlude?’ I saw him walk by a bar fight as two drunks screamed at each other and heard him mutter ‘that could work…’ He’s losing it.”

Cammy Knoblock, the renowned rock historian, said this sort of self-destructive behavior is not uncommon with metal musicians.

“Tony Iommi inspired hundreds, if not thousands, of instrumental rock and metal bands. If anyone could have made it work, it was Tony, but even he thought he needed someone in front of him to put on a show and eat ants for the crowd,” said Knoblock. “Eddie Van Halen has written some of the most famous licks of all time, but his entire life was a hunt for a vocalist to shriek about hot teachers. Amazingly, these guitarists can be so cocky while also lacking the confidence to let their music shine. It’s rare to find a guitarist that stands alone. Or even just someone like Dave Mustaine who is willing to ruin his riffs all by himself.”

At press time, King was in search of the perfect carpet to cover the original hardwood floors in his recently purchased Craftsman home.

Exposed: We Joined Scientology for a Year and We’re Still Full of Disembodied Thetans

Posted on July 9, 2021 by Dan Rice

It seems no matter how many scathing articles, books, and documentaries come out against Scientology, the church remains as powerful and wealthy as ever. That’s why we decided to get our hands dirty and do some old school deep undercover journalism, exposing Scientology for the sham it really is first hand.

I’ve spent the last year of my life as an active member of Scientology and sure enough, my body is plagued by just as many body Thetans as it was when I started.

L. Ron Hubbard once famously quipped, “If you want to get rich, you start a religion.” From that cynical boast of chicanery, Scientology was born. Today the church enjoys celebrity endorsement, a brick and mortar presence in every major American city, and tax-exempt status. Despite these credentials, and despite being 100% correct about the origins of life on earth (Lord Xenu exploding non-conformists in earth volcanoes trillions of years ago, the ghosts of whom plague our bodies and cause all disease), this so-called “church” is little more than a pyramid scheme.

My journey began with an “audit.” A rank and file member of the church hooked me up to an “e-meter,” which is a “highly sophisticated machine” designed to detect “traumatic thoughts” from “this life and others.” Imagine my shock when the damn thing worked! Thoroughly convinced that Scientology was correct about the fundamental nature of the universe, I told the auditor a bunch of embarrassing sex-secrets and went clear.

Every time I shelled out the exorbitant fee to free my body of alien ghosts, they found more alien ghosts, and each batch of alien ghosts happened to be stronger and more expensive to remove than the last. It wasn’t long before I figured out exactly what was going on here: These bozos had no idea how to get the dead aliens out of my blood.

Once a dangerous cult has its hooks into you, it’s hard to break away. Even as an undercover journalist and closet nonbeliever (in the church’s methods, not their cosmology which, again, is flawlessly accurate), I found myself shocked by what they were able to push me into doing.

For a brief period of time I was a guard at one of the church’s secret “re-education” prisons. Day in and day out, I watched as men and women subjected themselves to detainment in subhuman conditions, psychological manipulation and even physical torture, just to avoid being thrown out of the church. I just stood there the whole time thinking, “This is crazy. Once they’re done here, they will still be full of evil volcano ghosts.”

The camps are not only cruel and pseudo-illegal, the people who go through them are still left vulnerable to the dangerous influence of perverted psychiatrists and other SP (Suppressive Persons) possibly within their own families. It’s just wrong.

Honestly, when my billion year contract runs up I may not even renew with these clowns.

Body Dysmorphia Reaches All-Time High Following Release of New Gildan Intimate Apparel Collection

Posted on July 9, 2021 by The Hard Times Staff

MONTREAL — An alarming new study revealed that body dysmorphia diagnoses skyrocketed just hours after clothing manufacturer Gildan released a highly maligned intimate apparel collection.

“I’ve always thought of myself as ‘body positive.’ Then I tried on the Gildan lace bodysuit, and my life was tipped upside down. I’ve had to go through hours of therapy to compensate for the 18 seconds that I was wearing that one piece of clothing,” said unhappy customer Kira Santori. “I’ve never had lingerie that was so long that the bottom half just sort of drooped down around my knees. I kept thinking my torso was the problem. Plus, it was so tight around my chest that my tits ached for the next four days. Ever since then I’ve only been wearing sweatpants and a hoodie. Gildan stole my confidence.”

Big box stores were forced to pull the Gildan After DarkⓇ series from the shelves after customers in various fitting rooms could be heard shrieking every time they saw themselves in the mirror.

“Whenever I saw a guest approach the dressing room with a piece of Gildan clothing I would go on break. It was too emotionally taxing to hear the screams of these people. They just wanted to look nice, and that clothing ruined them,” said WalMart employee Trish Forsette. “I did at least 15 hours of overtime every week trying to dry the tears in the changing booths. And people kept breaking our mirrors just trying to avoid having to see themselves. Buying a loved one that nightwear is possibly the most cruel thing a person could do, but could be an easy out if you’re not trying to be the bad guy who does the breaking up.”

Gildan representatives were caught off guard by the criticism.

“We take great pride in all our products. Comfort, value, and great fits are our priority. That’s why we only use the finest wooden barrels as our dress forms,” said Product Development Specialist Andy Belanger. “Our Research and Development team is always tweaking our designs with the customer in mind. That’s why we’re introducing a new line of athletic wear with extra wide shoulders, narrow waist, and sleeve holes that are so tight they will cut off the circulation to your hands to perfectly compliment every body type.”

Hanes announced they will also be introducing a new line of Beefy Lingerie to “add comfort and durability” to the intimates industry.

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