Show Promoter Captions Picture of Himself Stealing Money from Band with “I Miss This”

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

ALBANY, N.Y. — Local show promoter Steve “Froggy” Fordham recently posted a photo to Instagram that showed him pocketing cash stolen from a band he booked with the caption “I miss this,” confirmed sources who promise to “beat the shit out of Froggy” if they ever see him again.

“It’s been so long since I’ve been able to tell performers that they didn’t sell enough tickets to get a cut of the door, or the venue has some new rules about a revenue split on every piece of merch they sell,” said Fordham while watching videos of teenagers street fighting on his phone. “I want to get back to the days of paying bands in drink tickets, and letting them know I’m carrying a gun when they try to confront me over not getting paid. I’ll be able to feel normal again as soon as I get to leave a show during the headliner with all the money from the bar and box office stuffed in my pants as I ignore frantic texts from the bands.”

Local musician Amy Khatri plays in one of the many bands that Fordham has ripped off over the years.

“I’m shocked that this guy is still even around. The last time I thought of him was in 2019 when I heard he tried paying the guys in Cement Fist with an expired Applebee’s gift card and they absolutely beat the piss out of him,” said Khatri. “I guess he had time to recover thanks to the pandemic, and he’s back on his bullshit. I’ve tried telling everyone I know to not play any of his shows, but there is always a new band he’s ready to exploit.”

Live Nation CEO Michael Rapino believes that the urge to play shows will allow promoters to screw over bands at levels never before seen.

“Things were looking awful for us until the vaccine allowed us to start booking some larger fests,” said Rapino from one of his yachts. “But now the tide has turned. Just the other day I got a call from the Red Hot Chili Peppers asking if they could play Austin City Limits, and I said ‘Sure guys, I’d love to have you play, but I want Flea to come to my house and tell me that I’m way better than him at bass, and then I want all the other members of the band to eat a spoonful of dog shit.’ And you know what? They fucking did it. I love this job.”

At press time, former Victory Records founder Tony Brummel reportedly reached out to Fordham for tips on how to make a quick buck off of musicians.

$70,000 Pickup Truck Used To Move Box of Old Posters and a Chair

Posted on by James Knapp

MARLINTON, W.V. — Local truck owner John “John-Boy” Johnson recently employed his heavy duty 2020 GMC Sierra to move a friend’s old posters and a single dining table chair a grand total of six blocks, sources who are not as helpful as they think they are confirmed.

“My buddy Tommy [Fellenstah] mentioned to me last week that he was gonna be moving to a new apartment, and he didn’t even have to ask for my help. I just knew he was gonna need ‘Big Bertha’ here to haul all his gear to his new place,” explained Johnson while meticulously checking his vehicle’s windshield washer fluid levels. “This truck is by far the best investment I’ve ever made; much better than that jet ski that crashed into the mayor’s wife. Now I can always lend a helping hand, and there’s little to no chance that I’ll end up in maritime court.”

Fellenstah questioned how much the use of Johnson’s exorbitantly priced truck was actually helping.

“I mean, I probably could have just carried this crap by myself if I had to,” said Fellenstah of his worldly possessions which could easily fit inside a Toyota Camry, or in his lap while riding the bus. “I didn’t even ask to use [Johnson’s] truck, he just showed up to the move before I did. I’ll tell you this, though, after I helped him make bail during the jet ski incident last week I am definitely not buying him pizza and beer for moving that fucking chair.”

GMC sales rep Casey Stone gave her perspective on truck ownership and compulsory moving needs.

“It’s really not my place to judge why any satisfied customer feels the need to purchase one of our fine GMC full-size pickups,” said Stone while frantically trying to flag a supervisor. “With as versatile as these vehicles are, they are just as capable of leveling an above ground pool as they are at getting someone through a 20-minute commute to a data entry job that they hate. It really is up to the customer.”

At press time, Johnson was occupied bungee strapping the chair in place while Fellenstah decided that the unframed posters he’s had since 2003 could probably just be thrown away.

Facebook Thread About Antidepressants Getting Weirdly Competitive

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

CINCINNATI — The comments section on a Facebook post about treatments for anxiety and depression caused by the solitude and stress of the Coronavirus pandemic quickly devolved into a complicated jockeying for position, members of the Facebook group MENtal Healthposting confirmed.

“I’ve been feeling lonely and sad since I started working from home. I did some meditation and virtual therapy, and I thought joining a Facebook group to talk through some of my issues would be a good idea,” said new MENtal Healthposting member DeMario Franklin. “I was wrong. The comments were just a bunch of dudes yelling about how my problems are nothing compared to the fact they can’t get hard when they take Effexor, or that Lexapro makes them scratch holes in their sweaters and eventually straight to their skin. I guess openly discussing mental health challenges is good, but reading the comments was like watching tryouts for the dysfunctional Olympics.”

Many commenters were quick to reply to Franklin’s first post with answers that were more hostile than helpful.

“It’s good that DeMario is seeking help. Really, that’s the first step,” said an agitated and sweaty Robert Wallis while working his seasonal affective disorder into comments on a Cincinnati Enquirer article about Bengals quarterback Joe Burrow. “I’d love to help the guy out, as long as I can mention the side effects of every drug I’ve ever taken and how existence is a struggle to maintain sanity and function within human society. I mean, some of the people in that group are still talking about Zoloft. Christ, I remember washing that down with formula when I was like eight months old. I take adult medications now, because I have real problems.”

Therapist and life coach Eric Pikowski believes conversations about mental health can become toxic when individuals adopt diagnoses and treatments as their personality.

“Some patients have no idea what a conversation that isn’t centered around their emotional needs sounds like,” said Dr. Pikowski. “It’s human nature — even in a space meant to be supportive — that members compete to identify the alpha, and the saddest dog is determined by games of tragic one-upmanship and combative storytelling. At the end, obstacles and embarrassing stories are tallied as points.”

Extremely committed to his self-improvement plan, Franklin also reportedly joined a gym under the naive assumption that other members were interested in supporting novice fitness seekers.

Opinion: If Biden Won’t Forgive My Student Debt He Can at Least Forgive My Acoustic Cover of “The Humpty Dance”

Posted on by Jonah Nink

Despite being a major campaign promise, student debt cancellation of any kind was noticeably absent from President Biden’s recently proposed $6 trillion national budget. The move was a shock to many young people still burdened by the ridiculously high cost of college. I however am fine with it… on one funkalicious condition

If Biden won’t forgive my student debt, he can at least forgive my ill-advised acoustic cover of Digital Underground’s “The Humpty Dance.”

My attempt to tribute the late Shock G backfired, and now everyone at the coffee shop open mic and about 30,000,000 Tik Tok users hate my guts. Surprise surprise, it turns out that singing lyrics like “Hey yo fat girl, come here–are ya ticklish?” to the tune of Bob Dylan’s “The Times They Are-a Changin” wasn’t the right call. It didn’t help that my version was about eleven minutes long either, including a few harmonica solos.

So I’m all in favor of letting my student loans bump me if it means clemency for my rap catastrophe. Living with debt is hard, sure, but being a walking counterargument to white hip-hop is harder. I mean ideally Biden would hold to his campaign promises, but sometimes words like “student debt forgiveness” and “looptid” just don’t mean anything.

President Biden, if you’re reading this, this is your chance to make right, just like The Humpty Dance is your chance to Hump, do the humpty hump. Student loan debt only lasts a lifetime. The Humpty Dance is forever. So grab life by the biscuits and give me a presidential pardon… preferably in the form of some kind of badge. It may not get rid of the cover but at least that way I can show it to people who make fun of me.

And if you’re someone who is actively calling out the democrats for walking back on their student loan debt promises, all I can say is this; stop whatcha doin’ because you’re about to ruin my one chance at rejoining society.

Band Can’t Afford to Re-record Track Where Frontman Freaks Outs on Guitarist

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

LOS ANGELES — A recording of The Dooley’s frontman Jason Delahunt screaming at his bandmates is slated to appear on the final cut of their new album due to lack of funds to re-record, recently chastised members of the band confirmed.

“I figured we should just probably get this out there now so we don’t have to answer a ton of questions about track five once the album is released,” remarked bassist Peter Higgins. “There was, for a lack of a better word, an incident, and Jason can be a bit passionate, so when our guitarist missed a note, Jason may have overreacted a bit — as you’ll hear for about seven minutes on the LP. Personally, I think we should have just cut the track, but Jason started screaming about how it’s ‘the only decent song on this piece of shit album’ and we had ‘hampered his vision enough already.’”

Producer Allen Kingston confirmed this version of events, which he described as “deeply unsettling.”

“I’ve dealt with some divas before, but I’ve never seen a frontman lose his shit like that,” the seasoned punk producer stated. “Jason just developed this twitch in his eye and slowly turned around and unleashed this torrent of verbal abuse on the poor guy. On top of that, he screamed at me to not stop recording because this was their last chance to get this track down since they were out of money, so I kept going. The rest of the band kept playing like nothing was going on, which was even more upsetting. I told my wife about it when I got home and we both decided it was time I take a vacation.”

Delahunt seemed nonplussed by the events and offered his own explanation as to what happened.

“What can I say? I’m an emotional guy and I just expect the best from my bandmates,” Delahunt said while watching his bandmates straighten up the wrecked studio. “I’m not going to apologize for wanting the album to be perfect, but I think people will really appreciate the finished product. What some may see as ‘abusive behavior’ I see as a free-form improvisational session that tears down the wall between the artist and his fans. This will give a new edge to the album and change the paradigm of punk music.”

At press time, Delahunt was cyber-bullying a journalist who gave the album a B- minus review.

Review: Dinosaur Jr. “Sweep It Into Space”

Posted on by Dan Rice

Dinosaur Jr’s “Sweep It Into Space” Is a Solid Effort That Is Unfortunately Derailed by the Fact That I Am No Longer 24 Years Old.

It’s a rare thing for a band’s 12th studio album to fall among their best, but under the guidance of producer Kurt Vile, Dinosaur Jr has very nearly accomplished this. I say nearly because for all of its energy, heart, and ear-worm hooks, “Sweep It Into Space” has one crucial flaw, namely the fact that I am no longer a 24-year-old with a lot going for himself.

There’s nothing wrong with the album’s opening track “I Ain’t” per se. It sounds like the opening track to the newest Dinosaur Jr album should sound. It is at once new and exciting yet familiar, as if it’s a song that has always been in your rotation. And yet something about it just says to me “Jesus, I’ll be 40 in like five years and I just can’t enjoy things as much anymore.” It would be a great song if that’s what they were going for, but it clearly isn’t, because this song rules. Swing and a miss.

The laid back wall of sound meets alt-melody bangers “I met The Stones” and “To Be Waiting” do little to quell the fact that I am twice divorced and less capable physically than I was a decade ago. “I Ran Away” would be right at home on any Dinosaur Jr album, and yet at the same time is somehow so this album. While producing that feeling in a listener may seem, on the surface, to be the hallmark of an out of the park later day offering, it doesn’t lower my cholesterol or give me back a care-free sense of invulnerability.

To understand just how this album fails, look no further than the band’s 2007 release “Beyond.” It was the first album to be put out by the original lineup since “Bug” and it was absolutely perfect. I had great hair, and a great car. I maintained an attractive physique with almost no effort, and I had a number of attractive sexual partners. This album has absolutely none of that going on.

The tragedy of “Sweep It Into Space” is that you can hear echoes of the album that could have been. What if they had released this in 2007 instead of 2021? With that one simple change this album could have achieved high art status. I would do nothing but listen to this album, take drugs and have sex if that were the case. And, again, I would have my hair.

Is walking the tightrope between evolving your sound and maintaining what made you appealing in the first place one of the hardest things for a band to pull off? Yes it is. Has Dinosaur Jr flawlessly executed this on their newest release? Yes they have. But am I still a healthy, happy person with his whole life ahead of him? No, I am not, and ultimately that’s why this album just doesn’t work.

Official rating: Two hands on the clock that never stop moving.

Want more Dinosaur Jr? Pick up one of their albums in our online store:

 

 

Woman Just Gonna Hold It in a Little Longer so She Can Pee in the Shower

Posted on by Heather Cook

NORTH HALEDON, N.J. — Local woman and dedicated shower pisser Esme Hill reportedly held her urine in longer than usual on Tuesday night so she could have a turbulent and satisfying shower pee.

“I’ve got this down to a science,” said Hill while doing the pee-pee dance. “This is my only chance to really piss while standing up, so I have to make the most of it. I’ll hold it in as long as possible so by the time I get in the shower, it will be one long luscious stream of freedom. It just feels so satisfying and limitless to throw my arms into the air while firing away. Sure, I might be totally soaking my roommate’s shampoo bottles in my own urine, but a shower is a self-cleaning receptacle, so it all rinses off, right?”

Hill’s roommate, Shania Embertson, did not share the same enthusiasm for peeing in the shower.

“Look, I understand that everyone loves a good shower piss, but does she have to be so obvious about it?” said Embertson while disinfecting the shower’s floor, walls, and soap holder. “The least she could do is scrub the bottom of the tub every once in a while. There’s literally a yellow stain forming, and I don’t believe for one second that she’s doing any of this to save water. I could hear her yelling ‘hot piss in the shower makes me feel so alive’ all the way from the basement yesterday. Not exactly subtle.”

According to Dr. Cliff Nussbaum, a Professor of Physiology at Cornell University and expert in human excretion, Hill’s behavior actually has longstanding global benefits.

“Esme’s actions are not uncommon, and they’re extremely beneficial to the environment,” said Dr. Nussbaum. “Less waste material is being used, she’s saving water, and she’s not getting any nasty junk on her hands when she goes to wipe. You know how you can never truly get every last drop? Her method is simply more hygienic.”

At press time, when asked if she has plans to explore more alternative peeing scenarios, Hill informed reporters that she will be testing the waters at an indoor waterpark this afternoon.

Dad Not Comfortable Hugging Adult Son Before Vaccine, After Vaccine

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

MOORESTOWN, N.J. — Local dad Henry Connor insisted he will not be comfortable hugging his 27-year-old son Griffin until they’re both vaccinated against COVID-19, or anytime after they’re both vaccinated, sources confirmed.

“As far as emotions go, I’m pretty sure my dad’s only got the one: Anger. And it’s usually expressed in the form of throwing a full beer can at the TV during an Eagles game,” explained Griffin Connor, the eldest son of the family. “But I was really hoping that after not seeing each other for a year because of the pandemic he might be open to a hug. Sure, he didn’t hug me on my wedding day or when my daughter was born. And when I was eight and my dog died, he told me to ‘man up,’ ‘rub some dirt in it,’ and then made me listen to stories about his two tours during the Gulf War. But I really thought this time might be different.”

Griffin’s mother Martha Connor insisted her husband’s standoffishness was due to the pandemic and not a glaring sign that Henry desperately needed therapy.

“I tried explaining to Griffin that it’s not that Dad is emotionally unavailable, he’s just nervous about coronavirus. Honest,” said Martha Connor. “My son then asked why he’s never been affectionate over the past few decades. Which, ok yeah, fair point. But there have been plenty of reasons not to hug your children over the years. Swine Flu, Bird Flu, Mad Cow, uhhh, there was that Noid everyone was trying to avoid. That was an infectious disease, right? Plus Henry tends to run warm and sometimes the additional body heat makes him feel like he has a fever.”

Henry Connor defended himself and his stoic nature.

“Of course I…love my kids,” explained the family patriarch while whispering “love” as if it were a dirty word. “But what’s wrong with a hearty handshake or stern, unsmiling nod? I just don’t know where all this nonsense is coming from. Hell, ask my wife. We’ve been married for 32 years and every single evening when we climb into bed I give her a firm ‘good night’ pat on the back. If that’s not love, I don’t know what it is.”

At press time, Henry Connor was caught secretly showering family cat and apparent outlet for all his love and warmth, Mittens, with snuggles and words of affection.

Quiz: Is She Flirting With You, or Is She Just an Actress in a Yogurt Commercial?

Posted on by James Knapp

In today’s progressive social climate, some men find the dating world more intimidating than ever, particularly delusional, narcissistic men who think that all women are flirting with them at all times.

If this sounds like you, it’s likely that you’ll never be able to place an order with a waitress without assuming she’s throwing herself at you, but there is room for improvement. We have developed a brief questionnaire to help you, at the very least, determine if the woman you’re trying to hit on is really flirting with you or actually just a paid spokesperson for a major yogurt brand.

Is she an attractive, yet homely, thirty-something housewife?

Unless you’re at a singles night event at Buffalo Wild Wings, then it is definitely a yogurt commercial.

Does she appear unusually interested in probiotics?

Sorry to inform you but you have not just met a hot single yogi, you are in fact watching an Activia ad.

Does she have a doofy husband who is causing some kind of needless commotion in the background?

It’s probably a yogurt commercial, but there’s also a chance you’ve wandered into some kind of swinger’s club for the inept.

Are you watching television?

Okay, that is clearly a yogurt commercial.

Has she used the phrase “fruit on the bottom” at all?

Honestly, this one could either way. But realistically, unless she’s actively spreading strawberry KY on her nether-regions, it’s probably safe to assume she’s an actress.

How many cats does she have?

If the answer is 1 to 2 then it is a yogurt commercial. If the answer is 3-4 then it is a cat food commercial, and you’re disgusting. If the answer is 5 or more it’s a real person, but you may not want to get involved…

Is she responding to your advances?

If the answer is “no” then it doesn’t matter if she’s a yogurt mascot or not. She’s not flirting with you. Back off.

Has she said the line “I like my yogurt like I like my men. Greek!”

Uggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Is she Jamie Lee Curtis?

You know what, we’re not gonna take this one away from you. Jamie Lee Curtis is totally flirting with you. Go for it, player.

Thank you for participating in this questionnaire. Next week check out our follow-up quiz: Are You “Too Fast For Love” or Do You Just Have Erectile Dysfunction?

Guitar Store Manager Has Horrific NAMM Flashback

Posted on by John Danek

LAS VEGAS — Guitar Zone manager Ian Potts experienced a sudden onset of post-traumatic stress disorder caused by hearing a perfect cacophony of loud, amateur guitar doodling reminiscent of his one tour of the National Association of Music Merchants show, emergency responders reported.

“I thought that I had finally moved past the horrors of my tour of NAMM until Saturday, when the store rose to a louder volume than usual. That’s when the vision started,” explained Potts, who was awarded the Deep Purple Heart by Guitar Zone’s owners for tinnitus suffered at NAMM. “It was like I was instantly transported back to Anaheim — there were guitar and amp demos happening all around me, pedal makers were chattering about ‘true bypass,’ and I had visions of guitars with 7, 8, and… and… dear Lord, 9 strings with fanned fretboards. The wickedness of man’s soul knows no bounds.”

Citizens of Anaheim, California have grown weary with the never-ending quagmire which resuscitates every January.

“My hometown is unrecognizable. When will this onslaught end?” lamented longtime Anaheim resident Connie Vasquez. “Every January, thousands of content creators and guys with soul patches descend on our beautiful town to peddle their ugly guitars and overpriced amplifiers while increasing engagement with their YouTube channels. Whatever happened to plugging a Strat into a Marshall amp? Why do we need Bluetooth built into guitar strings?”

Psychologists have studied the effects of post-traumatic stress disorder for years now, but variations inflicted by music gear conventions have been studied far less.

“The disorientation and mental anguish of a music convention is unique compared to other versions of PTSD,” explained Dr. Brenda Fowler, director of psychology at Walter Reed Army Medical Center. “Music and music gear is generally considered a positive force in one’s life, but when presented in such a concentrated and bastardized manner, it can have devastating effects. In the case of Mr. Potts, he may never be able to hear someone crank up the gain on a 100-watt tube amp ever again.”

Reports indicate that Potts’ situation deteriorated even further when a Guitar Zone customer played the riff of The Rolling Stones’ “Paint It Black” through every in-stock Earthquaker Devices pedal simultaneously.