Opinion: How Much For ALL My Plasma?

Posted on by Griffin Constant

It’s one of those few things that everyone in the country can easily depend on to make a quick 30 bucks. Whether for medical bills or the explosive need for a fresh new pack of cigarettes, plasma — the portion of the blood that is used to fight diseases — can always be sold for a quick profit.

Unfortunately, $30 for a small donation of a little bit of plasma twice a week can only get you so far. I have rent to pay, and gas to put into my car, and a growing drug habit. I believe it’s my God-given right as an American to ask: How much for ALL my plasma?

The unfortunate thing with selling your plasma is that the tyrannical Red Cross limits donations to twice a month, and private institutions will only let you sell your plasma twice a week. That’s a goddamn violation of my Constitutional rights as an American citizen if I’ve ever heard one. I should be able to sell ALL my plasma if I want. It’s my plasma!

I looked it up and folks, the average human has like 10.5 liters of blood in them. Guess what? Plasma is about 55% of that 10.5 liters of blood. Clearly they are only taking a little bit at a time. Let’s cut to the chase: put the needle in my arm, pull the 55% of plasma out of my blood, put some of that blood back WITHOUT the plasma, and then give me what I deserve: $600 dollars.

My grandfather was an immigrant to this great country, and he told me that the reason he came here is because in America, if you work hard enough, you can do anything. I’m almost positive this is not what he had in mind, but let me sell my own goddamned plasma for more speed if you believe in this country!

Let the free market decide whether or not viruses and other foreign bodies will invade my defenseless blood.

Dave Grohl Reveals He’s Been Chewing the Same Piece of Gum for 26 Years

Posted on by Chris Jones

LOS ANGELES — Foo Fighters frontman and former Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl admitted that he has been chewing the same piece of Trident spearmint flavored gum for the past 26 years.

“Anyone that’s been to a Foo Fighters gig probably noticed that I’m constantly chewing gum. But only true fans that get very close to my mouth will know that it’s been the same piece of gum for over two decades,” said Grohl. “This gum is part of the reason we’ve been so successful. I was chewing it while we wrote all our biggest hits, and it still has a hint of flavor, so I can’t justify wasting it. My dentist says the gum’s tar-like texture from years of chewing is the reason that all my teeth are loosening up, but this gum isn’t going anywhere. Keep rockin.”

Multiple sources reported that Grohl isn’t the only musician with a love of chomping a lucky piece of gum during performances.

“When I first saw Dave chew his way through the chorus of ‘Big Me,’ I knew there had to be something about this whole gum thing,” explained Green Day singer Billie Joe Armstrong. “Green Day was in a slump so I asked Dave if I could try it and he gave me half of his piece. Two days later I had written ‘American Idiot’ and already started mapping out the Broadway show. This gum is imbued with something special. Someday I hope to pass it along to a deserving multi-millionaire musician.”

Historian Trey Underwood said he believes Grohl’s gum should be managed in an exhibit in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.

“I’ve been working with the museum staff to make sure we have someone on the scene as soon as Mr. Grohl dies in order to extract the gum and keep it preserved,” said Underwood. “I tried striking a deal with him by suggesting we would induct the Foo Fighters into the Hall of Fame as soon as we got the gum, but he didn’t go for it. So now we have to do this the hard way. But we are committed to ensuring that future generations can appreciate the piece of gum Grohl picked off the dashboard of his V8 Ford Falcon van every morning during his early days of touring.”

As of press time, sales of Trident spearmint gum had skyrocketed among 15- to 25-year-olds trying to learn how to play “Everlong” to impress their girlfriends.

No Thanks: This New App Sends You Notifications Every Time Tommy Lee Jones Busts a Nut

Posted on by Ted Pillow

Are you concerned with how frequently Academy Award nominee Tommy Lee Jones cums? If so, then you are to blame for the cursed new app that sends dozens of push notifications every time the beloved 74-year-old thespian gets that nut.

Personally, I have no need for constant updates regarding Jones’ bodily fluids. I won’t act like it never crosses my mind, but it’s not something I dwell on (unless maybe “Men in Black II” is on TBS again). Nonetheless, my role as a Hard Times tech reviewer required that I spend a week testing out the new digital platform Mr. Jones has created to notify his fans about the frequency, volume, and quality of his loads.

As it disturbingly warns on its App Store page, TLJ Nut Alert vows to “update users every single time Tommy Lee Jones drains his balls, whether via sex, masturbation, or other extraction methods,” whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean. It uses the emergency alert system built into iPhones to sound the deafeningly loud notification also used for AMBER alerts or severe weather warnings, except now interspersed with audio clips of Jones moaning in delight. Once the distress signal has gone into effect, it cannot be muted or silenced in any way.

At this point you might be wondering, “Just how frequently is Tommy firing one off, anyway?” The answer, I am horrified to report, is dozens and dozens of times per day, starting at around 5 AM and lasting until he tuckers himself out sometime after midnight, possibly after his handlers inject him with animal-grade tranquilizers.

The app is, unfortunately, quite functional. When it’s not blaring like a tornado siren, it allows users to message one another, earn “Strokin’ Tokens,” and turn JPGs into PDFs (that last feature is actually pretty useful). It’s all part of the curmudgeonly actor’s plan to turn himself into a lifestyle brand, a male equivalent to Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop. In fact, he was even going to call the app “Tommy’s Goop” before he found out the name was already taken.

Do I recommend TLJ Nut Alert? Of course not. It’s ruining my life. And I’ll be deleting it as soon as I earn enough Strokin’ Tokens to win that autographed “Men in Black II” poster.

Man Turns Lifelong Passion For Wolves Into Shitty Bicep Tattoo

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

PEORIA, Ill. — Self-described wolf enthusiast Roy Greene immortalized his obsession with the animal since childhood in a hastily drawn tattoo on the upper portion of his right arm, sources report.

“You know, I’ve loved wolves from as far back as I can remember. I have wolf shirts, wolf posters, and wolf books all over my childhood bedroom and current bedroom,” Greene said, showing off his collection of wolf paraphernalia. “I was considering becoming a zoologist or even a wildlife photographer, but in the end I decided that the best tribute to the majestic beast was to let my buddy Dougie use a used tattoo machine he got at a swap meet to put a wolf on my bicep so everyone knows how much I love them.”

However, many close to Greene feel that the tattoo was probably not the best choice to honor the animal.

“The tattoo looks like a gopher with mange that was set on fire and then glued back together,” said close friend Melanie Christensen. “It’s almost a disservice to the animal, really. I think I hate wolves a little bit now. Like, he could have used any of that $250 he spent on the tattoo to go to a sanctuary or donate to conservation or something. Now whenever he wears a sleeveless shirt, which is most of the time, I have to see that terrifying image. When he flexes, its eyes follow me around.”

Zoologist and wolf expert Dr. Cecilia Hall of the Lincoln Park Zoo said she wishes more people used their wolf passion to get involved.

“I get countless people telling me how obsessed they are with wolves and I’m like great, we could really use you to boost awareness, but instead they get a howling wolf airbrushed on the side of their van, or post some online quiz that says the wolf is their ‘spirit animal,’” the dejected Dr. Hall said. “I officially love wolves more than almost anyone, but the only wolf item I own is a 2017 calendar someone got me that I haven’t thrown out yet.”

As of press time, Greene announced plans to touch up the tattoo by adding Inuit tribal symbols to honor the ancestors his grandmother once claimed they had.

3 Things I Don’t Understand About the Israel-Palestine Conflict, Plus 5 More I Don’t Understand About Basic Life Shit

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

I’ve never claimed to be a particularly smart man, but I do try to keep well-informed. The world is a complex place. Truth, lies, right and wrong are rarely clear-cut. With that in mind, here are three things I don’t understand about the Israel-Palestine Conflict, plus five more things I just don’t understand about basic life shit.

Israel-Palestine #1: The 1947 United Nations Partition Plan for Palestine. This is the original proposal that mandated that Palestine be divided into separate Jewish and Arab independent states with pre-established economic ties. While the four-part document is dense and complex, what I truly don’t understand is how they possibly expected this to work. The naïveté to think that this plan could possibly be peacefully implemented is mind-boggling.

Basic Life Shit #1: Exactly how long am I supposed to brush my teeth? I’m never sure. Is it just like a quick stab at the molars and then, good? Or should I settle in for a 90-minute session of repeat applications of toothpaste and mouthwash at 15-minute intervals? Is blood good or bad? If you know, please tell me.

Israel-Palestine #2: Why has the violence flared up right now, and what happened at the Aqsa Mosque? Some may claim to have answers, some say it was always just a matter of time. No one can truly say. But I don’t get why the Israeli police entered the Aqsa Mosque on April 12th and ushered in all this.

Basic Life Shit #2: So why isn’t it okay for me to take a nap at my job? I get to the Home Depot at the crack of 11 a.m., and by noon, I think it’s understandable that I get a little sleepy. So what if I make a little bed out of four by fours, bathmats I snuck from the Bathroom section, and a blanket made out of tarp from Gardening? I’m on my break, and it doesn’t hurt anybody! But just tell Assistant Manager Mark that.

Basic Life Shit #3: Pants: Why did they become the norm? The whole point is to keep your junk covered so like, a loincloth is fine. How did we get here? And why are there so many types and sizes? Do they grow and get picked at different times? Are junior sizes unripe pants? I just don’t get it!

Basic Life Shit #4: And another thing, where are all the snowmen in the summertime? Summer is when we need them and their icy powers the most! I can’t tell you the number of hot August days I sweated like a pig and looked all around for a frosty snowman to use his powers to cool things down, but no dice! I just don’t get it.

Israeli-Palestine #3: A final thing I don’t understand on the subject of the bloody violence in Gaza. Can there ever truly be lasting peace? Can there be a transcendence of millennia of pain and suffering and mistrust? With a generational conflict like this one, I just don’t know. I’ll never understand how we got here or how to get out.

Basic Life Shit #5: Math. That shit is hard.

Sunn O))) Guitarist Finally Admits That Third ) Was a Typo

Posted on by Matt McInerney

SEATTLE — Longtime Sunn O))) guitarist Stephen O’Malley stunned fans when he revealed the band’s name has had a glaring typo since their inception in 1998, sources close to the musician confirmed.

“We argued about the name forever. Greg wanted to put an umlaut on an upside-down cross or the Prince symbol or something. I suggested ‘Earth’ several times, because that band is awesome. But after months of debate, we gave up and just agreed to steal the logo on our amps,” said O’Malley while picking up his cloak from a local dry cleaner. “Years later, I was looking at an old tour poster and suddenly realized: I’d made a huge mistake. The Sunn logo only has two parentheses at the end, and here we are with three. It’s just embarrassing. I was able to fix it on some of our new gear, but we can’t afford to reprint all of our records and merch.”

Fans of the band, a group known for staring at album covers too long, were dumbfounded by the guitarist’s statement.

“I couldn’t believe it,” said Melvin Johnson, longtime drone metal fan. “‘ØØ Void’ is one of my favorite albums. I’ve probably seen that logo a thousand times. Then, suddenly I was like ‘Whoa dude… that is negative space…’ Hold on… does that mean my tattoo is wrong? You still just pronounce it ‘Sun’ right? Or is it ‘Sun Oh?’ Oh god. I feel like my entire life has been a lie.”

Conrad Sundholm, one of the creators of the legendary Sunn amps, was unaware that the band had been using his trademark for years.

“Wait a minute, are you telling me that someone stole our logo? I’m surprised nobody ever told me. I mean, those aren’t even parentheses. It’s a symbol, it’s not meant to be typed out. They’re just like sunbeams or rays,” said Sundholm. “I guess I’m flattered, but I was hoping their music was more of a tribute to the gear I created. I’m not exactly sure what they are supposed to be. I guess those are guitar sounds, but I prefer Steely Dan”

Following O’Malley’s admission, bandmate Greg Anderson shared a confession of his own: “I use an O and a zero interchangeably when spelling our name. I’m not sure which one is correct.”

Opinion: Bears Have Every Right To Defend Themselves From the Bees in the Hive They’re Invading

Posted on by Kevin Tit

I’m just gonna say what we’re all thinking. If a bee thinks it’s a good idea to sting the bear whose snout just burst through the side of their home then they better be ready to deal with the consequences of that act of violence. I believe in common sense self-defense There’s no question about it, a bear breaking into a hive has every right to defend itself against those monstrous aggressors.

I know this is a complex issue with a long history but two wrongs don’t make a right and it’s as simple as that.

Bees make honey. Bears eat honey. Everybody has to eat. If you ask me, the bees ought to just share the honey with them. The bears have just as much of a right to the stuff as the generations of bees who’ve been living in there. Another option is that the bees can just leave and start over in one of those other trees in that part of the woods. I’m pretty sure there’s, like, tons of ’em.

I’m also pretty sure I read about a bear who recently died from its wounds after being stung by a swarm after destroying its entire hive. And don’t you dare start talking to me about how every single one of the bees also died. Or how the entire species is on the brink of extinction. That’s not the bear’s fault. How can a bear understand that it’s participating in a genocide if they’re being stung on the nose over and over again?

Bears are better than bees. That’s all I’m trying to say. And if those bees don’t want to keep getting massacred after being displaced from their hives then they need to buzz the fuck off. It’s like they say, “Keep poking the bear, you might get bit by a barrage of bear strikes.”

‘Blue Lives Matter’ Supporter Having No Problem Laying into Mall Security

Posted on by Ben Friedman

FREEHOLD, N.J. — Local mall security guard Corey Knightly was in shock after a known ‘Blue Lives Matter’ proponent tore into him for 20 minutes over matters regarding running around corners too fast, onlookers reported.

“I saw a bunch of unattended kids messing around in the food court fountain, so I had to set them straight. Before I could even take their names down this guy in a ‘Back the Blue’ shirt comes swooping in and starts shrieking at me about harassing his kids,” said part-time Allied Universal employee, Knightly. “For someone who allegedly respects authority he had no issue calling me a ‘braindead asshole’ and a high school dropout for almost half an hour. I know my ability to enforce anything is tenuous at best, but his kids were literally stealing loose change that we donate to charity. I’d kick my own grandparents out for shit like that.”

Despite the confrontation occurring hours before, father of two Rob Johnston was still incensed that his family was on the verge of being ejected from the mall.

“I come to this mall every week, sometimes twice, and this is how they treat me? Without patriotic Americans like me stimulating the economy, that little mall Nazi wouldn’t even have a job,” said Johnston. “If my kids want to express themselves, they can do so wherever they please, and don’t need some wannabe Serpico telling them otherwise. He’ll kick my kids out of the food court but won’t do anything about a black guy hanging out in front of Yankee Candle for ten minutes. Their priorities are completely backwards.”

Mall staff who intervened were not surprised that it was Johnston arguing with security, as this has been an ongoing trend.

“Oh, Blue Lives Brad? Yeah, he’s a piece of work. We have this theory that his chinstrap beard makes him more aerodynamic when cutting in front of people at Starbucks. But what sets him apart from the other jerks is his ability to simultaneously claim he respects the ‘law’ while breaking every rule we have here,“ said mall manager Bill Irwin. “One time he doxxed a guard who called him out for abusing the free samples at Leann Chin. We’d call the actual cops on him but every time we try he whips out a PBA card and tells me he’s untouchable.”

As of press time, Johnston was seen being escorted out of the mall by several guards after claiming it was his First Amendment right to scream at the Orange Julius employees.

Guys, I Just Heard About What Milli Vanilli Did and I Am Pissed Off

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Are you fucking kidding me?! Okay, okay. Gotta cool down for a moment. I can’t believe what I’m hearing. I am shaken to my core. My foundation is rubble. I just found out that groundbreaking Euro-pop duo Milli Vanilli has been lip-syncing this entire time and someone is gonna pay.

Honestly, I wouldn’t take this so hard if I hadn’t believed in Milli Vanilli for so long. I know it’s been a while since their last release, but they have been my favorite German-French R&B duo since 1988. “Girl You Know It’s True” is an absolute fucking jam and girl you know it’s true. It’s damn true. I’d know, I’ve been drinking espressos and appreciating abstract art for years with that exclusively as my soundtrack. I never thought that Rob Pilatus and Fab Morvan would betray me like this. They were my heroes ever since I heard “My Prerogative.” That was them, right?

The first time I heard of this “lip-syncing” I was confused. I’ve seen the ol’ Mil-Vainil live dozens of times and all I hear are perfectly performed vocals that are identical to the album. All I see synced up to those lips are two beefcakes with perfect pitch. But since the man behind the curtain turned out to be a sound guy with a ponytail and an aux cord, I am exploding with a fiery rage that will consume all in its path.

Now I don’t know what to think. Is it the music industry’s fault for setting an impossible standard? Or is this what M+V were talking about when they said to “Blame It on the Rain?” Is nothing sacred? If Rob and Fab were lip-syncing, who else was? Elvis? Bowie? Now when I see animatronic characters at Chuck E. Cheese, I start to wonder if they’re even singing.

This has shaken me. Sometimes I wonder if the whole world is lip-syncing and that life is just the backing track to an album we’re all just playing on repeat until we die. Without faith in our heroes, we have nothing to look up to. And with no aspirations, we can manifest only destruction. The point is, Milli Vanilli made me burn down that Chuck E. Cheese so they should at least pay some of the damages.

Phantom Planet Hoping That a New Show Needs a Theme Song About California

Posted on by Matt Wassung

LOS ANGELES — Rock band Phantom Planet expressed their frustration with the lack of television shows in development that will need a theme song about California, anxious sources close to the group confirmed.

“California is the most populous state in the country,” said lead singer Alex Greenwald. “The chances a show would take place there are pretty high! We have a history of songs about California being used as TV themes, and it would be stupid for the networks to not consider us. Phantom Planet is the perfect soundtrack for long sweeping shots of the coastline and people driving in convertibles. My journal is full of ideas for songs: ‘Whole Lotta Vineyards,’ ‘California Part 2: The Goldenest State,’ and of course my favorite, ‘Traffic on the PCH Blues.’”

Past and more famous members of the band are also excited about the prospect of Phantom Planet’s return to the lucrative world of television theme songs years after their song “California” was the popular theme to Fox show “The OC.”

“I think it would be amazing,” said former drummer and actor Jason Schwartzman. “I don’t even like acting. I only started doing it as a side thing until the band was ready to go on the road or whatever again. I’ve done enough Wes Anderson movies for a lifetime. If I get the chance to jump back in the studio with the boys to lay down some Cali-centric TV theme tracks, I’m there, man! Hearing my song played on a TV show each week was the highlight of my career. I’m ready and willing to get back on the horse.”

While the eager band waits for any word from the TV industry, executives are put off by the band’s insistence.

“We get calls from those guys about two or three times a week,” said Fox executive Darren Frye. “They keep trying to play songs over the phone, constantly asking if ‘this is anything that could fit anywhere.’ We’re thinking of setting all our California productions in Rhode Island instead just to get them off our backs. At least there aren’t any annoying bands from Rhode Island bothering us about theme songs. Not yet, anyway.”

At press time, members of Explosions in the Sky were desperately pitching NBC executives a show about a high school football team whose most dramatic moments were set to a soundtrack provided by the band.