We Rewatched “Roseanne” and It Just Isn’t the Same Now Knowing That John Goodman Has a 9-Inch Dick

Posted on by Vince Ratti

In 1988, the Conners showed the world that raising children in a lower middle class home had its ups and downs, while still keeping us laughing even as they tackled serious issues. But 1988 was 33 years ago. Does “Roseanne” still hold up today? That’s why we set out to rewatch “Roseanne” from start to finish.

And although the show was pretty great, and I greatly enjoyed spending time again with my favorite TV parents (Roseanne Barr and John Goodman), I found it difficult to enjoy the show after a particularly revealing episode made it abundantly clear Goodman is packing a massive, 9-inch hog.

I suppose I just never thought about these things as a kid. But now as an adult, I must address the elephant in the room that is the elephant trunk in John Goodman’s pants.

I had originally planned to touch on all the big moments in the series, like when DJ refuses to kiss a girl because she’s black and Roseanne and Dan are forced to think about their own racial bias. But when Roseanne lays into DJ about intolerance, it feels hollow now, because all I can think about is how John Goodman could have played himself in that porn parody of “Arachnophobia,” and easily put Johnny Sins to shame.

By the time I made it to the 2018 revival I wasn’t even paying attention. My face buried in my phone, Googling “John Goodman horsedick.“ How did I miss this? Goodman had a sixth member of the Conner family right there dangling in our faces the whole time. But while I expected to find tons of articles and message boards devoted to his obviously 9-inch penis, there were none.

I had to know more, but the only clue I unearthed was from a crew member from “The Flintstones” (1994). All I could get out of him was, “Let it go man. It goes deeper than you can imagine.” I’m not sure if this means there’s some sort of great conspiracy to conceal the “Coyote Ugly” star’s abnormal knob or was just a joke about getting your holes filled by the portly actor’s Big Lebowski. For my own sanity, I decided to just let it go.

So, while I wish I could still view “Roseanne” through the innocent eyes of a child, the entire run is marred by the knowledge that Goodman probably wasn’t allowed to wear shorts around the children on the set. Now rewatching “Monsters Inc.” will never be the same.

Cry for Help Getting Tons of Likes

Posted on by Dianne Nora

TOLEDO, Ohio — A desperate plea for help shared via Facebook post by local woman Andrea Copeland has been garnering a ton of likes, according to multiple sources who engaged with the post.

“She usually gets a couple likes. She has an aunt that comments on everything, and there’s this guy she used to make out with sometimes who always heart reacts her posts, but this seemed like it was getting way more traction more than usual,” noted Jaymee Estes, who described herself as a close friend of Copeland’s since high school. “At first, I was worried I missed her birthday or something ‘cause it was like right at the top of my newsfeed, but then I saw the post. Yikes. I mean, I hope she’s doing okay. I ‘liked’ to show my support for whatever it is she was talking about.”

The post, which features both a litany of personal grievances and more existential ponderings about the futility of even trying, along with a few thinly veiled threats of self-harm, has elicited responses from outside Copeland’s circle of acquaintances.

“I actually did the little ‘care’ react,” said John Toriano, an acquaintance of Copeland’s who said she added him on Facebook years ago after the two met on vacation. “I don’t see her post too often. I remember her saying a couple political things around the election, and sharing memes a few times, but this was definitely different. We’re not close, but we definitely met at some point, I think. You can’t not respond to something like that, you know? And what goes further than reacting on Facebook? I know she probably really appreciated it.”

Daniel Rahn, an independent analyst of social media markets, suggested that posts like Copeland’s are part of a growing trend across platforms.

“We’ve seen a marked increase in engagement with posts that express negative feelings,” said Rahn. “Whether it’s Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, or even newer apps like TikTok and Clubhouse, hopelessness, anhedonia, and despair are all really in this year, even beating out ‘hometown drama’ and closely following ‘shit-talking tirade about new partner’s ex.’ Very impressive stuff.”

At press time, the number of likes on Copeland’s post seemed to have plateaued in the mid-130s. Copeland did not respond to a request for comment.

HELL YEAH MOTHERFUCKERS: This Venue Has Seating

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

Awww yeah. You already know what the fuck is going on here. Me and my lady are off to see a show tonight. It’s been over a year since we’ve seen any band play live. But tonight we’ve got a babysitter, we already found a parking garage and took out cash to tip the bartender. And the best part of it all?

THIS MOTHERFUCKING VENUE HAS SEATING, MOTHERFUCKERS.

Sure, we used to be front row fucking center in the pit, but we don’t need that shit anymore to have a good time. Way too much jostling down there anyway. And it’s way cooler being up here in the back with the old folks and friends of the band who aren’t good enough friends to go backstage.

Besides, my wife shouldn’t be standing up for more than 20 minutes at a time because of her MOTHERFUCKING SCIATICA.

And it’s not just the seating that makes this whole fucking enchanted evening the absolute tits. You honestly thought I’d be content with some seating, you little bitch? Hell no. THEY GOT A BATHROOM UP IN THE SEATING AREA, TOO.

But fuck that horseshit. Because we used the bathroom at Starbucks before entering the venue. And I bought a pack of soft-baked Madeline cookies, motherfuckers. I also bought a god damn hibiscus iced tea, but the butt muncher at the door made me chuck that shit before entering the show. Fucking narc.

You know what? I know we paid to see the headliner, but I’m getting kinda sleepy. We saw the opener and that’s good enough….motherfuckersssssss.

And since we’re leaving the show early, we’ll have plenty of time for some real fun at home, if you catch my mf’ing drift. That’s right. Me and my lady could totally have sex tonight. Of course, we’ll be way too tired to do it. But we totally could go to the bone zone if we wanted.

And it’s a good thing we won’t be having sex tonight. Because tomorrow is Sunday. And you know just what the hell we be doing Sunday morning.

WE’RE GOING TO THE FARMER’S MARKET, MOTHERFUCKERS.

Year of Not Attending Shows Allows Woman Space to Realize She Hates Every Single Thing About Them

Posted on by Krissy Howard

BOISE, Idaho — Local woman and lifelong punk Charlotte Birdsong came to the relieving conclusion that she does not miss a single thing about going to shows following a year in which she was prevented from attending any, sources report.

“I’ve been going to shows since I was 15. I never would have imagined a time where I’d have no desire to attend another show ever again,” the now 42-year-old Birdsong explained. “I think a lot of people used their pandemic downtime as a journey of self-discovery and to realize what isn’t working in their lives anymore. For me, I learned that standing on concrete for four hours to listen to five bands I’ve never heard of, almost getting hit by flying folding chairs, coming home covered in beer and spit, and avoiding at least five exes is just not for me anymore. It’s time to move on.”

Countless others had reached similar conclusions about their own relationships with attending live punk, hardcore, and metal shows.

“I’ve had a lot of big breakthroughs this last year, one of which being that going to shows is objectively a fucking nightmare, and I don’t have to subject myself to it any longer,” said the only non-white person seen at a show in his hometown in six years, Barry Chiu. “Navigating clueless people in any social scenario is bad enough, but doing so while being forced to listen to the most boring story of all time from some old guy who only listens to Johnny Thunders while you’re waiting to pee is just too much. Plus, I can’t afford to tear any more of my shirts or lose any more shoes.”

Relationship experts report that outgrowing toxic situations is natural and a sign of good emotional health.

“Part of emotional maturity involves assessing your relationships, determining if you get the same satisfaction from them that you once did, and adjusting accordingly. While the unpredictability of being involved in a fight with that bitch who works at Dunkin’ Donuts may have been fun at one time, it may not induce the same feelings now, and that’s OK,” said family counselor Denise Hanna. “That’s not to say that making such a change doesn’t come with its fair share of grief, but if you find yourself feeling nostalgic for the general awfulness shows once provided, you can try rewatching a TV show you didn’t like the first time, or embarrassing yourself by getting super drunk and going on Instagram live to talk shit about everyone you know. It’s all about exploration.”

At press time, no less than seven thousand men were overheard calling Birdsong a poser.

How To Impress Your Date by Ordering off-Menu at the 7-Eleven

Posted on by Alec Stein

Sometimes the search for love can leave one with more questions than answers, especially in regards to the first date. Do you meet there, or pick your date up by borrowing your roommate’s Kia? Do you keep it casual and wear a pair of jorts, or do you spruce things up a bit by wearing a slightly less tattered pair of jorts? Should you like, shower and shit? These questions may not have right or wrong answers. However, the one surefire way to impress on a first date is by taking them to the illustrious bistro that is 7-Eleven, especially if you are savvy and cultured enough to order off-menu.

Some may consider the 7-Eleven first date a bit hokey and antiquated, but certain things are cliche for a reason. There is no greater feeling in the world than sitting on a parking block and staring into the eyes of a potential lover as you split a bag of Takis.

The key to ordering off-menu, as with so much else in dating, is confidence. This is something hard to feign but, as always, 7-Eleven has the answer. While your date mulls over which tantalizing delicacy they plan on getting off the roller, make your way to the wine cellar, typically located between the energy drinks and the phone chargers. While one of the more robust beverages may draw your eye, such as a 40oz of Chateau de Budweiser, it is important to know one of the unwritten rules of 7-Eleven: if something is small enough to fit in your pocket, they actually don’t make you pay for it. Opt for a more modestly-sized drink, such as a can of Monaco or a pint of Skol. Once you knock back a few of these in the washroom, head back to your dates (by now, you should be seeing two of them).

To order off-menu, it is important to let the garçon know you are a man of culture. Otherwise he might kick you out, typically on some trumped-up charges of “disorderly conduct” or “vomiting on the scratch-off dispenser again.” I recommend using the following script, until you are able to come up with your own:

“Bonjour, good sir. Could I trouble you to take one of those scrumptious looking taquitos and place it on one of your artisanally-made hotdog buns? No, no. You can hold the ketchup. Leave that for those with a more American palette. I will, however, take one of your Big Bites. Would you be so kind as to dunk that into your decadent hot wing sauce? Merci.”

By now, your date should be swooning. While your Tinder bio said you were “fluent in sarcasm,” they had no idea you could speak the language of love. Stroll out to the curb, light up a Pall Mall, and let the smell of lust and mini-tacos wash over you.

Chacos Chick and Tevas Guy Really Hitting It off

Posted on by Julia Zhen

SEATTLE — Local Chacos-wearing woman Stevie Saintclaire recently found love with Tevas fanatic Zak Richards as the two bonded over their affinity for the strappy sandal brands, according to sources.

“It was a match made in crunchy granola heaven, but not without some hurdles,” said mutual friend and local REI associate Sherwin Banks. “The first time they met, Zak scratched up the side of Stevie’s Subaru Outback with the door from his Subaru Outback as we were all leaving from a group hike up at the North Cascades. He even ran over her Camelbak HydroBak and her Pull Top Nalgene water bottle that was covered in 40 of her favorite stickers. She was so stressed she almost scratched the skin right off her tree tattoo.”

Reports confirmed that tensions were relieved after the two found each other again at a crowded CommuniTea Kombucha brewery event.

“Well, the story is super cute. I dropped a vegan carrot stick on the ground and when I went to pick it up, I saw his cute little hairy toes poking out of his Hurricane Verge XLT2 Tevas, and my heart just melted,” gushed Saintclaire. “I had immediately forgotten about the car thing, probably because I was feeling super confident in my new edition Mega ZX Cloud Chacos. I tried to not immediately spin out into some fantasy where we’re using our REI rewards on each other or sharing an Eno hammock together, but I was just spinning.”

Not all bystanders were pleased with the pairing, however. Owner of the local Smile Herb Shop, Lindi Chang, was extremely disgusted by the couple’s feet and overall presence.

“They come in every Thursday when we have our Singing with Ginseng open mic. When everyone sits around the carpet with their tea to enjoy the music, it’s disgusting to have to see their feet,” Chang stated. “They even play footsie with each other by just wiggling their toes on each other’s feet. I’m this close to denying service to folks with open-toed shoes… and I work for a place called the Smile Herb Shop. Do you know how nasty this couple has to be for me to deny all people wearing sandals at a place called the Smile Herb Shop?”

The relationship hit another rocky patch after Richards, an L.L. Bean Duck Boots guy, discovered that Saintclare was a Doc Martens girl during the wet, Winter months.

Not Aging Well: 5 Episodes of “Friends” Where Ross Decided Osama bin Laden Didn’t Pose a Serious Threat to America

Posted on by Dan Rice

NBC’s “Friends” remains one of the most successful sitcoms in television history, breaking ratings records throughout its run and maintaining a “hot commodity” status on streaming services to this day. Unfortunately, fans rewatching the once-beloved show are finding that certain elements just don’t hold up to today’s standards of acceptable humor.

There’s no denying that the show seems dated now, and that is due in large part to Ross Gellar’s incessant dismissal of Osama bin Laden and the Taliban as a serious threat to American security. Here are five classic episodes of “Friends,” the legacy of which is now in question due to this needless blunder.

“The One Where Chandler Crosses The Line” (Season 4, Episode 7 – 11/13/97)
Don’t let the episode’s title fool you — it’s Ross who truly crosses the line in this one, and in a major way. In the episode’s B story Ross rediscovers his love of electronic music, alienating most of the friends with his bizarre compositions but intimidating Phoebe. The music is objectively terrible and played for laughs, but there’s nothing funny about Ross’s lyrics. Here’s a particularly damning snippet:

“Electro-fying, dare-defying, the Taliban is of no concern to American interests.”

Wow, Geller. Good thing you still have your day job as a paleontologist, because you’re for shit at music and worse at predicting global events.

“The One with the List” (Season 2, Episode 8 – 11/16/95)
One of the more emotional and tragic episodes of “Friends,” this one has Rachel discovering a list Ross made (at the behest of Chandler and Joey) comparing her to another love interest. It is clear to the audience that Ross’s heart lies with Rachel, but the discovery of the list proves to be too damning in her eyes. In a desperate attempt to convince her of his feelings, Ross says the following:

ROSS: Rachel, I love you! I’ve always loved you! And I’ll tell you another thing: Osama bin Laden can spew all the rhetoric he wants to his cave-dwelling acolytes, it doesn’t matter. At the end of the day, they’re up against the strongest military force in the history of the world and they don’t stand a chance, so don’t worry about that!

This could have been the show’s most pivotal emotional moment if not for Ross’s know-it-all attitude and compulsion to demystify Osama bin Laden.

“The One with the Football” (Season 3, Episode 9 – 11/21/96)
Thanksgiving episodes were an annual tradition on “Friends,” and this particular one grew to be a fan favorite. After watching the NFL’s Thanksgiving game, the gang decides to have their own friendly football match, which quickly escalates to animosity as Ross and Monica’s sibling rivalry flares up. Unfortunately, the episode is marred by one errant line of dialog:

MONICA: Are we playing football or what? Come on you hairy-backed Marys!

ROSS: Oh please, Monica. Your taunting is as ineffective as Osama bin Laden’s “holy war” against the United States is going to be. That’s the last we’ll be hearing from him, and you’re going down!

Not to be a Chandler but god Ross, could you BE any more wrong?

“The One After The Superbowl: Part 2” (Season 2, Episode 13 – 1/28/96)
This episode had everything going for it: celebrity cameos, a touching reunion and a special event time slot. Unfortunately it also had a needless and ultimately incorrect prediction from Dr. Ross Geller. After reuniting with his beloved pet monkey Marcel on the set of “Outbreak 2,” Ross has the following exchange with the film’s star, Jean Claude Van Damme:

JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME: Mr. Ross, I have never seen the Marcel so happy. The two of you must have an incredible bond!

ROSS: Yeah yeah listen, this isn’t one of those movies where the bad guys are middle-eastern terrorists, is it? Because I just do not buy that at all. They got lucky with the World Trade Center bombing once, but there’s no way something like that would ever happen again, okay Kickboxer?”

Yikes. Somebody should have kickboxed a foot into Ross’s mouth if they wanted this episode to stand the test of time.

“The Last One: Part 2” (Season 10, Episode 17 – 4/6/04)
Wow Ross, you just couldn’t let the show end on a high note, could you? At this point we’ve heard Ross say some pretty boneheaded things about bin Laden’s inability to ever hurt America, but this one stands apart, as it is said almost three years after 9/11 happened! It also marks the only time “Friends” acknowledges the tragedy within the show, and they handle it less than gracefully:

CHANDLER: Crazy about what happened to the Twin Towers like three years ago right?

ROSS: Freak accident. What can you do?

CHANDLER: Wow Ross, I don’t think it was an accident! Osama bin Laden was pretty adamant that his terrorist organization was responsible, and that it was a deliberate…

ROSS: Nope, it was a mistake. What can you do?

CHANDLER: Huh.

JOEY: Hey, I had sex again.

CHANDLER and ROSS in unison: Check please!

One of the most disappointing finales in television history, and proof positive that when it comes to accepting America’s vulnerability to terrorist attacks, Ross will always be stuck in 2nd gear.

Marty Mcfly Stuck in 1982 Checks Bad Brains Liner Notes to See Exactly When Lightning Supposed to Strike Capitol Building

Posted on by Bobby Korec

HILL VALLEY, Calif. — Marty McFly checked the liner notes of Bad Brains’ self-titled album hoping to see precisely when lightning was scheduled to strike the Capitol Building after finding himself in a bit of a time traveling bind while stuck in 1982, sources confirmed.

“This is heavy. But I have a good feeling that this idea will help get me out of yet another space-time continuum jam. The cover art clearly shows lightning striking the top of the Capitol, and that’s exactly what I need to get out of this mess,” said McFly while trying to avoid encountering his younger self and further complicating matters. “In fact, I’m such a huge Bad Brains fan that I even considered playing ‘Pay to Cum’ at the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance when I was stranded in 1955, but I didn’t think the audience would be ready for that just yet. Instead, I insinuated that a white dude from California invented the sound and style of Chuck Berry. Probably not cool, now that I think about it.”

Those familiar with the situation didn’t believe this plan had legs.

“There’s no way that the bolt of lightning as depicted could generate the 1.21 gigawatts needed to power the DeLorean,” said Dr. Emmett Brown while frantically asking a photo of Thomas Edison for guidance. “Plus, climbing to the top of the Capitol Building would be a logistical nightmare. I mean, are we supposed to just waltz right into the building and climb the structure just to get what we want? That’s one of the most heavily guarded buildings in America. They would stop us before we even got close to the front door.”

Others seemed to have a difficult time recalling the details of the incident.

“As a senator who worked a grueling 10 hours a week at the Capitol Building for years, I don’t ever remember lightning striking the top of it,” said Republican representative Tim Cranshen. “Could it be that the album cover was just a metaphorical representation of the resentment for the government? That can’t be it. Everyone adores Ronald Reagan, right? I know I do, thanks to his trickle-down economic policies that made me and my buddies filthy rich. What a guy.”

At press time, McFly put the Bad Brains scheme on hold to see if Metallica’s “Ride the Lightning” album had come out yet as a Plan B.

/**/

Man Just Spelled “Chlamydia” With Too Much Ease

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — Friends of local man Jesse Miller were disconcerted by the ease with which he spelled the sexually transmitted disease, chlamydia, without even looking it up or anything.

“That motherfucker did not hesitate for even a moment. We were fucking off at work, just playing Words with Friends,” explained Nell Fowles, Miller’s coworker of two years. “He was going slow, then came across a clue for ‘9-letter word for an embarrassing medical condition,’ and it was like he had spelled it a thousand times. God, I hope not. He didn’t have most of it spelled, all he had was C, from ‘variety of miniature wild fruit.’”

Friends close to Miller recall similar instances in which the man spelled the non-phonetic word, with unnerving ease.

“We were at a bar once when Jesse grabs a newspaper and starts doing the crossword puzzle. It’s just kind of weird to see someone be that confident in spelling such a…specific…word,” said Miller’s roommate of 13 months, Luis Flores. “Like, there’s probably any number of things that it could have been. Like, cataracts? Uh, not celiac. But there’s probably a lot of other things. And he wasn’t even using a pencil. He straight up wrote it in pen. It’s like highly contagious venereal diseases were right up front in his mind. It was very uncomfortable.”

“No shade, by the way,” Flores added. “Hopefully, Miller just knows how to wrap it up.”

Dr. Martha Carter, a behavioral therapist specializing in friendship stress, was not surprised by the unease that Miller caused.

“Very often a discovery like this will really underline how little we actually know about the people we choose to spend time around,” Carter explained. “We like to imagine that we know our friends, their personal lives, whether or not they’ve Googled ‘chlamydia treatment how fast works.’ But the truth is, we often only discover these surprising and kind of weird things about a close friend by seeing it in action.”

When asked about this surprising skill, Miller asked what the big deal was, stating that “I read that like one in three people have chlamydia.”

Woman Ghosted Seven Days After Watching Cursed Skate Video

Posted on by James Webster

LOS ANGELES — Local barista Ashley Campos was dismayed to realize that she was ghosted by a skater exactly seven days after watching a jinxed skate video, according to her coworkers at the coffee shop.

“It’s been a weird couple of days,” said Campos. “This guy I’d been talking to texted me a link to a skate video called ‘DON’T ENJOI’ and it was just a bunch of weird black and white footage of staircases all over the east side. Exactly one week later, my apartment started to smell like a strawberry banana Puff Bar, and then I saw he had unmatched me on Bumble and hadn’t responded to my last five texts. Man, this bullshit again. I’ll never get those four minutes of my life back.”

Campos’ coworker at Clean Bean Coffee House, Nella Wilson, said she “couldn’t be happier” to see less of the potential love interest, local skater Xander Reyes.

“Yo fuck that guy,” said Wilson, while waiting for a pourover to finish dripping. “I’ve seen way too many of his type in my time. They’ve all got long, dirty hair and think that being too broke to do anything is attractive. Plus they’re almost always weirdly wet for some reason, and the last one I hooked up with kicked a hole in my TV while he was shitfaced. It’s been all squiggly ever since.”

“If you want something to take care of, get a cat, not a skater,” she added. “At least cats clean themselves. Also, a cat is never gonna tell you that it ‘just has a lot going on right now and can’t hang out.’”

Marina Campos, Ashley’s mother, expressed sympathy for her daughter in the rough dating world of today.

“Guys today seem just terrible. Not like back when I was dating. Men were men back then,” she explained. “Ashley’s father used to wear a Stetson every time we would go out, and now they all wear tiny beanies and never call you back. Maybe the quality of men is proportional to their hat sizes?”

At press time, Campos could not be reached for comment, as she was getting ready to go camping in the woods alone.