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Emerging COVID Variant Eager to Get out of Town for the Weekend

MILWAUKEE — An emerging COVID variant is reportedly optimistic about municipalities dropping their mask mandates across the county and excited to get out of the city for a weekend in the countryside, confirmed cells being destroyed by the virus.

“I just feel like I’ve met everyone there is to meet here, ya know? It’s going to feel so good to get back out in the world and see how quickly I can get it shut down again,” said the variant, which is allegedly deadlier and more contagious than any previously identified strain in the region. “There are only so many breweries and bars you can tear through before you start realizing how tiny this city is. After so much time being stuck in one place, I’m just really looking forward to meeting some new lungs.”

Another COVID-variant, which emerged in Brazil earlier this year, agreed that the easing of travel restrictions has really helped it get out of its shell.

“Before the social restrictions had been lifted, when it was impossible to travel and no one was really going out, I was feeling extremely desperate. I wasn’t sure how I was going to go on infecting large groups of people,” said P.1. “Ever since I mutated, I wanted to make my way to the United States. I’d love to see New York, or maybe hit some beaches in Los Angeles. Once I knew I’d be able to get out of my dull routine and really connect with people somewhere with very few respirators and only a few beds in the ICU, I felt a new lease on taking life.”

Epidemiologist Corinne White, an expert in developing diseases, explained that deadly infections need a particular mix of environment and population to thrive.

“In our rush to save lives, many experts have failed to consider the mental health of these infectious diseases,“ White noted. “As vaccine use rises in many communities, and practices are put in place to curb the spread, many diseases are denied the opportunities they need to blossom emotionally. We’ll never see the sort of rampant, devastating outbreaks that we’ve come to expect if these variants aren’t allowed to explore the world beyond their hometowns.”

At press time, the variant said it was making plans for a cruise and hoping to attend at least two music festivals before the end of the year.