5 Careers More Stressful Than Being a Cop and How Many Murders per Year the Government Will Allow For Each One

Posted on by Dan Rice

In America, police officers kill about 1,100 citizens per year — roughly 30 times that of the next leading nation. Every time the cops kill someone, even when all evidence suggests the killing was an outright murder, they clap back against public outrage with the same ironclad argument: being a cop is very stressful. This simple truth is PR Teflon, immediately rendering any argument to the contrary untenable, and no amount of reform or de-funding is going to change that.

We all know that stress is toxic and cancerous to the human body, and can only be quelled by the taking of another life. America is finally coming to the realization that, if we want true equality, we need to stop trying to change the police, and start changing everything else. That is why the government will now allow a certain amount of murders every year from almost every sector of the workforce relative to the stress level of that particular job.

After the new system these five jobs will be the new highest earners, murder-wise:

5. IT Manager
These people are overworked, underappreciated, and face arguably the largest amount of communication breakdown with their immediate superiors of any American job. That is why IT managers will now collectively be allowed to murder 1,300 people per year, provided the murder occurs while on duty. Not only will this help balance the scales, experts predict that password retention will increase 5,000% within the first year.

4. Airline Industry
Whether you’re an air-traffic controller, a pilot or flight attendant, your job is demanding, full of risks and extremely high stakes. Flying for free is a decent perk, but the government is sweetening the deal by awarding the entire industry a 1,700 per-year murder allowance.

3. Doctors/Nurses
Being a medical professional was a stressful job before the days of COVID-19, so it’s more important than ever that we keep these people happy. Not only will Doctors and Nurses collectively be allowed to murder 2,200 people per year, individual workers will gain an extra murder for every 10 lives they save!

2. Marriage/family Therapist
Being in a failing relationship or dysfunctional family is hard, but being a family therapist is like being in 12 of those at the same time. Mental health professionals specializing in marriage or family dynamics will now be able to murder a collective 3,000 people per year. They cannot, however, kill their patients, unless they are of the professional opinion that murder is within the patient’s best interest.

1. Literally any food service job
These people have been overworked, underpaid and low-status since the dawn of time. The Law will no longer apply to them in any way.

All-Female Punk Band Clearly Just In It for the Death Threats

Posted on by John Danek

MORGANTOWN, W.Va. — Local punk band Butcher Paper ostensibly only formed to garner attention by way of constant death threats and doxxing, music fans and professionals concluded.

“Butcher Paper clearly doesn’t care about songwriting or punk values, otherwise they’d have at least one dude in the band. I’m not sure how they’re pulling off writing songs, but the whole thing is super suspicious,” stated punk label head Thomas Weinstadt, founder of Meatless/Heartless Records. “I’m always looking for new acts to sign, but when I read the first few lines of their bio I realized what I’m dealing with here: just a bunch of fake musicians co-opting punk in order to receive credible and frightening threats on their bodies, lives, and loved ones. It makes me sick when I really think about how evil some women can be.”

The men who sent believable and frightening messages said they were tired of being taken advantage of.

“Obviously, Butcher Paper is just kinda begging for it, which makes sending hateful messages a little less fun than usual,” explained Skyler Johansson, more commonly known as xIncelUprisingx online. “Here’s the fucked up thing — I personally don’t have much interest in the band at all, but you do what you gotta do. Every few days, I send them a Twitter DM about how if they don’t shut the fuck up, I’ll set their van on fire if they ever tour near Phoenix. I don’t even live near Phoenix. But they don’t know that.”

Members of Butcher Paper contended that they started the band solely to play music and express themselves.

“We had a feeling that we would encounter some misogyny, but Butcher Paper has only been around for nine months and we already receive way more intimidating messages and promises of harm than I expected,” admitted Butcher Paper bassist Ina Scott. “We’re not even signed to a label yet, and here we are with inboxes and DMs overflowing. I’m really starting to get imposter syndrome about the sheer number of threats. Did I really earn this? Am I really representing women well enough to deserve possible break-ins or attacks at shows? I just don’t know.”

Music critics reacted similarly to the band’s debut single “Woman Seeking Woman” as a blatant and desperate attempt to score some dick.

Report: Breakup Still Counts if You Weren’t Dating in the First Place

Posted on by Lana Schwartz

WASHINGTON — A new commission on Socializing, Relationships & Dating released a 105-page report determining that a breakup still counts between two romantically involved parties, whether or not the pair were officially “dating.”

“The nation is in a period of flux, and we thought it was really important to release guidance on the matter once and for all,” said sociologist Dr. Leah Suzuki. “It’s been an honor to lead this commission, and I hope that the impacts of this report are consequential and far reaching. Hookup culture has sparked endless confusion amongst Millennials and Gen Z as to what is or isn’t considered a breakup, and honestly it reached the point where the government had no choice but to intervene. We say that you absolutely are entitled to as many self care days as you need after things end with that match who told you they weren’t looking for anything serious from the start. It still counts.”

Many celebrated the report’s release and the opportunity to deem the endings of even their smallest, least consequential romantic encounters — from months-long on-again, off-again hookup situations to someone immediately ghosting after doing hand stuff in the bathroom — as breakups.

“The pain caused by someone telling you they ‘think you’re great’ but they’re ‘not in a place for anything right now’ after two really intense dates always gets brushed aside just because your other friend broke up with her boyfriend of five years, even though what I’m experiencing is basically the same thing,” said person currently between therapists, Melanie Green. “Plus, then if someone is interested and I’m not, I can say ‘This really isn’t a good time for me, I’m going through a breakup,’ and no one can question it, so this will also make avoiding someone I’ve lost interest in much easier.”

While many were happy with the news, some saw the report as yet another chance for the government to cozy up to big business, and were concerned that the impact it could have on the average American wasn’t considered.

“Basically what the government is doing here is just lining the pockets of the ice cream, tissue, and alcohol industries by encouraging singles to indulge in their basest consumerist desires,” said local best friend, Julia Sevilla. “But also, do you know how annoying it will be to have to listen to my friend spend two weeks crying about a guy she kissed, like, one time? There are only so many sad karaoke nights one person can withstand.”

At press time, “Fast Car” by Tracy Chapman was reportedly the number one streamed song across the country.

Student Loan Debt Paid off Just in Time to Acquire Medical Debt

Posted on by Bobby Korec

COMMACK, N.Y. — Local man who can’t seem to catch a break Josh Crabtree had a brief moment of celebration after paying off his student loan debt before immediately acquiring a staggering amount of medical debt, sources who saw but did not donate to his GoFundMe confirmed.

“I was just so pumped to be out from under student loan misery that I went to celebrate at the skatepark, and immediately hurt my back trying to ollie the four stair. I was laying on the ground in excruciating pain while scooter kids kept calling me a cry baby. The only thing that hurt more was the invoice they handed my wife when she picked me up,” said the 34-year-old Crabtree while Googling what happens if you just don’t pay medical bills. “Honestly, how can medical debt be so rampant in the ‘greatest country in the world’? I wonder how citizens of other countries handle their medical debt. Like Canadians. They never seem to complain about this kind of thing. They must be super rich up there.”

Those close to Crabtree were heartbroken to hear of his Sisyphus-like situation.

“It’s like we’re living in a ‘1984’ edition of ‘Monopoly,’” said Crabtree’s spouse Jaylen Spencer. “We were finally able to plan for our future and just about to start saving up to acquire mortgage debt. That is, before unexpectedly getting slammed with these medical expenses after the insurance company inexplicably blocked our number. I guess we’ll just have to wait another 10 years before we can nail down our dream debt.”

Experts provided a history of the United States credit system for context.

“The American dream has essentially been whittled down to paying off various types of debts throughout your life and celebrating each one as a faux milestone,” said financial advisor Chet Clayborne. “That’s why credit companies have gamified debt by creating credit scores. Your debt is literally a game to corporations. Sure, it makes no sense that your credit score actually goes down after you pay off a significant loan, but that’s because they made the rules and didn’t tell you any of them. The only way to avoid falling prey to massive debt is to have rich parents. Otherwise, eat shit, peasant.”

At press time, Crabtree decided to become a Lyft driver as a side gig in order to pay off the car loan debt he had to acquire in order to drive to his other jobs to pay off his medical and subsequent credit card debts.

We Interviewed David Byrne, the Last Thing on Our Bucket List. Welp, Time To Die

Posted on by Dan Rice

Writing for a music blog like The Hard Times has opened up a lot of opportunities over the years, leading to experiences I’ll never forget. In short, it’s been a dream, and just two weeks ago that dream bloomed into full fruition as I was given the chance to interview my favorite living artist: Talking Heads founder David Byrne. I had been wanting to pick this man’s brain for my entire life, and in fact, doing so was the last remaining item on my personal bucket list.

Now that I’m complete, there’s nothing left to do but welcome death as an old friend and shuffle off this mortal coil. Yes, it’s time to die.

David was delightful. We had this instant connection. I’ve seen just about every interview he’s given, and I can say he had never been this candid before. What started as a paint by numbers interview about the history of The Talking Heads quickly expanded into one of the most interesting conversations I’ve ever had about life, the universe, and everything, a conversation that made “My Dinner with Andre” look like “Freddy Got Fingered” by comparison. It’s a shame I didn’t write or record a word of it.

If you did have a way to access my talk with David Byrne, you would know that nothing is more important than being present in the moment. Nowadays with cell phones and social media everyone is so obsessed with chronicling their lives, they never truly live them. David and I touched on this and many other societal woes in our talk, and not in the stale way they’ve been discussed for decades. Byrnsy (as I now call him) really got to the heart of these issues in a way no one has done before, and we reached important insights together. Hopefully David writes a song about it all or something, because I’m gleefully taking every word to my grave as soon as I turn in this draft.

Understand that I am not depressed — there is simply no need to continue. I’ve traveled the world, I’ve gotten a Cheez-It that was actually four Cheez-Its stuck together, and now I’ve interviewed the greatest artist of our age. Do not mourn me, celebrate me. It is my time to go.

Tomorrow morning I will put on my finest suit, find a nice shady tree in the park, and just sit there until my essence returns to the source. Do not attempt to give me food or water should I ask for them, as these will merely be the knee jerk reactions of the flesh and not the desires of my soul. If you do see David Byrne, please tell him that our time together was the most important 5-minute phone call of my entire life.

‘90s Doctors Announce Vaccinated People Can Flip Through Each Other’s CD Binders

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

SEATTLE — A coalition of ‘90s doctors announced this morning that fully vaccinated individuals are safe to peruse each other’s overstuffed CD binders in a promising development for the future of the COVID-19 crisis.

“We know this has been a pressing issue on many Americans’ minds throughout the pandemic,” said Dr. Todd Perry, a leading doctor of ‘90s medicine. “One of the most intimate acts that you can share with a friend is to exhaustively flip through each other’s cheap, peeling CD binders and discover their taste in music. Many ‘90s Americans define their entire personality via careful curation of Korn, Smashing Pumpkins and even that Oasis CD. To be allowed to go through them is an expression of trust as bonding as, say, spitting in someone else’s mouth, which vaccinated persons are also safe to do.”

“As long as the CD binder hasn’t been left in a car in the sun and gotten scorchingly hot, of course,” Dr. Perry added, rearranging two copies of “Automatic for the People” in a binder.

‘90s music fan Michael Hewson was grateful for the announcement.

“One of the most difficult things in this entire quarantined year was not knowing what my friends had in their enormous zippered binders of CDs from Sam Goody,” Hewson said. “All throughout quarantine, all I could think of was actually spending time with other people, having fun, laying on a ratty couch and going through the CD binder of a girl I’ve been kind of, sort of seeing for a few weeks, as ‘Jagged Little Pill’ plays in the background while we watch ‘The Real World: San Francisco.’”

Jake Pelles, a friend of Hewson’s, had somewhat different feelings.

“I just think these vaccines haven’t been fully tested yet,” explained Pelles. “We don’t really know what the long-term effects of vaccines on CD binders will be. Sometimes it feels like the information from ‘90s doctors changes every week with COVID-19. I just know I’m going to play it safe. The only way I’ll look through a friend’s music for the foreseeable future is checking out their Winamp skins.”

At press time, Napster doctors joined their ‘90s peers, announcing that absolutely everything is okay to share and there is no chance of any kind of infection transmitting to anyone ever.

Steve From “Blue’s Clues” Sits in Shower After Solving Brutal Murder

Posted on by Nick Ortolani

NEW YORK — Owner and lead investigator of the Blue Prints Detective Agency, Steve, sat down and wept in his shower for several hours after solving a particularly grisly murder case, pets and sentient household objects confirmed.

“I ‘ave never seen him zis fucked up about something,” confided Mrs. Pepper. “And I thought ze times he needed to figure out Blue needed a bath, or zat upsetting incident where he had to figure out what time it was were stressful. But he became obsessed with solving zis murder. It got so bad zat ze family had to move out of ze house. It just didn’t seem like a stable environment to raise Paprika, Cinnamon, Ginger, and Sage. It wasn’t just us either; Slippery Soap, Tickety Tock, even Side Table Drawer couldn’t be around him any longer. Sacre bleu, he must be so alone. And dirty. And not know what time it is.”

Sources indicated that Steve had been spiraling for quite some time prior to solving the Snack Time Murder.

“I’m not supposed to read the letters…but I do,” admitted Mailbox. “The guy’s drowning in debt. Turns out you can’t really turn a buck just by learning how to ride a bike or going on a picnic. And that’s not even counting his personal life. Did you know the guy was married five times? With 16 kids? And four of his kids died, really sad stuff. I got so many letters asking for alimony and child support I’m surprised my wooden stake hasn’t snapped.”

The disturbing news, however, came as no surprise to longtime associates of the detective.

“It’s a chump’s game, seeeee?” said Steve’s partner Blue. “Ya get into this business trying to save the world, ya end up catchin’ a one way train to the land of broken dreams. What the guy didn’t count on was how deep this whole thing went. He couldn’t handle that Shovel and Pail helped bury the body, or that Handy Dandy Notebook leaked his case notes to the killer. This whole damn city’s a matchstick house and Steve thought he was the spark, but he’s just another wet rag. Christ, I need a walk.”

At press time, a broken Steve had accepted a case to track down international thief Carmen Sandiego.

Man Who Thinks NYC Greatest City in World Only Has Tampa as Basis for Comparison

Posted on by Bobby Korec

NEW YORK — Recent NYC transplant and lifelong Floridian Jerry Smithson announced to a group of friends that New York City is without a doubt the greatest city in the world despite only having Tampa as a benchmark, witnesses from Omaha who couldn’t agree more confirmed.

“It’s got everything you could possibly want, like restaurants, bars, and even a couple of parks. You know, stuff other cities don’t have,” said Smithson before asking a stranger for directions to the nearest Applebee’s. “Sure, I could do without the cockroaches, relentless car horn honking, and the alarming amount of men who masturbate on the subway. But I can overlook a few nuisances because the bodegas have cats! It just blows my mind that I used to live in a four-bed, four-bathroom apartment for $400 a month like a boring chump. Now I share a rundown studio with a roommate for eight times that much. Only in New York!”

Friends of Smithson commented on his enthusiasm for the place he’s called home for two of the mildest seasons of the year.

“I wouldn’t know what Florida is like because I wouldn’t dare travel to the South on purpose,” said Williamsburg resident Julie Drear before texting her parents in her home state of Indiana to see if they paid her rent this month yet. “Nonetheless, he’s right about NYC being the greatest city in the world, as long as you avoid Times Square, Midtown, Staten Island, literally any tourist attraction, anything north of Harlem, the scary parts of Brooklyn, and pretty much all of Queens because that’s where the poors live. NYC is also a melting pot of diversity and they all have the best food carts, although I stick to the hoods that I know serve bottomless mimosas with brunch. It do be like that.”

Experts weighed in on the history of New York City.

“This place had a huge PR problem in the ‘80s, so city officials actually hired a bunch of marketers to come up with brand strategies to promote and attract gentrifiers,” said public relations associate Gayle Fropp. “And it worked like a charm. They even wrote that ‘Empire State of Mind’ song for Jay-Z and Alicia Keys. Not many know this, but they actually embedded subliminal messages in the track to make you think New York City is amazing. You can kind of hear it if you listen closely — it feels like you’re there, minus the pee smell and the 45-minute train delays. There’s a reason only the Big Apple has been immortalized in music and film.”

At press time, Smithson had lost some enthusiasm for New York after realizing he had to fold his pizza in half before consuming in order to avoid public ridicule. 

Opinion: If Those Videos of Bigfoot Were Real We’d Be Able to See His Dick

Posted on by Alec Stein

In the post-truth area, it is our duty as citizens and stewards of information to dispel the lies and misconceptions that have plagued the noble profession of cryptozoology. As a moderator for one of the top ten largest cryptozoological subreddits, I am viscerally offended any time I see someone sharing these obviously fake, and unfortunately famous, videos of Bigfoot. While scholars have proven beyond doubt that Bigfoot does exist, the viral videos currently making the rounds on Squatch Twitter have one glaring issue: Namely, if they are real, why can’t we see Bigfoot’s dick?

I have proven time and time again the scientific fact that, among the great apes, foot size is in direct correlation with the penis length and girth (Speaking of which, if anyone reading this works at Brookfield Zoo, please contact me. I think I left my tape measure in one of your exhibits). The foot-to-dick ratio (FTD) is such a basic and widely accepted concept that it has led to countless idioms, such as, “You know what they say about guys with big feet.”

As a species deriving its name from just how jarringly large its feet are, suffice to say that Bigfoot is packing a real monster of a hog. If that was an actual Bigfoot, you can bet your lunch there’d be one hell of a sledgehammer swinging around down there.

If these videos are indeed fake, which I have proven, that only presents more questions in need of answers. Why were these videos forged? Who would emasculate the majestic and well-endowed Squatch? Who stands to gain from depicting The Envy of The Northwest as nothing more than a dickless recluse? Sometimes the right answer is the simplest one: This propaganda of an impotent Bigfoot is an elaborate hoax; a conspiracy that runs deep through our government and culture, which was put into place by none other than my ex-wife’s new husband, Mark.

Think about it. I’ve seen the pictures he took with Sheri when they went to Cancun last year. Those boat shoes of his can’t be more than a size 8, 8 ½ at best. Logic follows that he’s strutting around the resort with the confidence of a yeti, while below his salmon shorts he is nothing more than a chupacabra.

Mark knows I have devoted my life to the sciences, with FTD being my magnum opus. He has castrated the noble Squatch in the eyes of the public, just to discredit me. Any psychologist briefed on the case will tell you that Mark has emasculated the Bigfoot in a sad Freudian attempt to symbolically castrate me, giving credence to my theory that my ex-wife still screams my name in the throes of their lovemaking. It is deplorable to me that Mark would let an innocent and noble cryptid get caught in the crossfire of his attempted character assassination, but what can you do?

Anyway, the 5G at the truck stop I’m writing this from is starting to give me a headache. Please stay tuned as I release more unbelievable truth about Mark’s role in convincing people jet fuel was used in the fire at his garage that I’m currently being investigated for.

New Electric Drum Set Comes Pre-Covered in Dust

Posted on by Kevin Tit

BOTHELL, Wash. — Audio equipment giant Behringer excited consumers by releasing a new line of electric drum sets that comes pre-covered in dust, allergy-ridden sources confirm.

“We’ve seen a dramatic increase in sales of electric drum sets since the pandemic began,” explained Behringer CEO Michael Cohen. “Millions of Americans have always wanted to learn how to drum, and being stuck at home for months on end has encouraged a lot of these folks to finally give it a shot. Like most hobbyists, that drive is usually short lived. So we thought, why wait for our product to be forgotten and covered in dust when we can just sell it with the dust already on it? Needless to say, it was the right decision because these orders are flying off the shelves.”

While the company celebrated a record number of sales, customers around the world expressed satisfaction with the new dust-covered instrument.

“I’ve wanted to be a drummer since I was six,” said 45-year-old marketing executive John Hampton. “My job kept me on the road most of the year and I knew it’d be impossible to keep a full drum set in my studio apartment. So, when quarantine started I immediately went ahead and bought my new Behringer Dusted series electric drum set. I like knowing that I can practice in the privacy of my own home without bothering my neighbors if I ever decide to use them, but I haven’t, and probably never will. Plus, the thin layer of dust that comes with it helps convince house guests that I’ve had these babies for a while and they’re not some desperate pandemic purchase I made to fill the void of being alone.”

While millions enjoy their new hobby, experts see this as nothing more than a desperate cry for help.

“Humans have always clung to anything that will help take their minds off their inevitable demise, since the beginning of time,” claimed Harvard University anthropologist Juliette Resendez. “The recent COVID-19 pandemic has caused this deeply subconscious trait all of us carry within us to reemerge to the forefront of our minds. Whether it’s learning the drums, baking bread, or teaching yourself how to roller skate for Tik Tok videos, filling the time you’d normally reserve for a social life will not stop any of us from succumbing to the cold grip of death that awaits.”

At press time, Peloton announced they will release a new line of exercise bikes that self-destruct after being inactive for six months.