Lapsed Pagans Only Go to Orgies On Equinoxes

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

CEDAR HILLS, Ore. — Local casually practicing Wiccans Lois and Timothy Webb told friends earlier this week that, while they are still technically Pagan, they really only go to orgies on the big holidays rather than every weekend, congregants of the family’s coven reported.

“Yeah, I don’t know, I guess I still believe; it’s just we’re so busy with the kids’ sports and dance lessons. Plus, we have to stay up past midnight for most orgies, so good luck doing that with three kids. It doesn’t always feel worth it to trek out to the middle of some corn field just so we can strip naked while someone else inevitably forgets the oils,” Lois Webb explained while looking for her ceremonial candles. “And even then I’m not really paying attention. I just want to get out early and beat the crowds at the only 24-hour restaurant in town.”

Some of the more dedicated Pagans were upset about the Webbs’ lukewarm participation.

“Just showing up for the big events is frustrating to me. Being Wiccan is about fellowship, a celebration of nature, and of course, filthy group sex that would make Pan himself throw up into his flute. But we can’t build a community if you only show up to eat a stranger’s ass once every six months,” said coven member Persephone “Orion” Amethyst. “When we had a yard sale to raise money for a new Fertility Boline, Lois was nowhere to be found. But when she wants to be taken by my husband under the light of the full moon while I ride her face, she always seems to have the time.”

American religious expert Dr. Courtney Goodwin noted the steady decline of zealous Wiccans in recent years.

“As with many religions in America, more so-called Wiccans are drifting further from their faith and really only celebrating the big ticket holidays,” said Goodwin. “Most are forgoing the rather grueling and outmoded practices of banishment, casting the circle, and drawing down the gods in favor of the more fun and flashy rituals like sex magic, spell casting, and dancing naked. It’s basically the celebrating-Christmas-in-Disneyland of the Pagan world.”

As of press time, the Webbs had announced that they would be taking a cruise during Lughnasadh instead of celebrating.

Fully Vaxxed McDonald’s Employee Excited to Safely Spit On Shitty Customer’s Big Mac

Posted on by Jovian Gautama

DENVER — Recently vaccinated McDonald’s line cook Lydia Dupree was relieved to be able to safely add layers of shimmering spittle to a fucker of a customer’s Big Mac, fellow underpaid co-workers confirmed.

“This loud bag of dicks came in at 2 am trying to be funny by ordering a ‘uhhhh a McWhopper please’ and mockingly asked if ‘the ice cream machine is fucked again’ — I mean, of course it is but you don’t have to be an asshole about it,” said Dupree. “With the COVID-19 scare last year, I was limited to rubbing cold McNuggets on my taint, which is a bit time-consuming considering our reputation for speed. So I’m pretty stoked that I can return to serving what I call the McDrool with a side of mucus.”

Assistant Manager Chloe Chen lauded Dupree’s attention to detail and high standard of safety.

“At McDonald’s, food safety is our number one priority, so spitting on a patron’s meal before you’re fully vaccinated is a big no-no for us. Dupree is a thriving example of how you can still be a proactive model employee even when you’re not earning a livable wage,” said Chen. “I’ve seen her passion for the craft, and man, she went to town on the lettuce, tomato, and both buns, spreading her saliva like it was churned butter. It’s almost like she’s doing it not out of spite, but out of love; a true artist.”

US Department of Labor representative Diane Harrison encouraged other fast-food workers to get vaccinated to make their lives easier.

“Food service workers are pandemic heroes, so we’ll do everything we can to bring back a sense of normalcy to their work, including the shitty customers who make them want to leave and never come back,” said Harrison. “If you’re not yet vaccinated, we recommend keeping the retaliation effort free of bodily fluid, and instead reducing their fries size even more, adding toilet water to the soda machine, or just punching a salad, because what else can you do?”

As of press time, Dupree was seen organizing an internal training session on how to ruin an annoying kid’s Happy Meal by putting fake divorce papers for their parents on the tray.

Opinion: Let’s Forget That All My Favorite Rockstars Were Predators and Focus On How Annoying Their Wives Were Instead

Posted on by Sarah Feliciano

People love to call out how “problematic” some of the greatest musicians of all time were. Not me. I’m a simple man. I like my rockstars like my political beliefs: impervious to criticism from anyone other than me. But I get that society needs a scapegoat. With that in mind, I offer a simple exchange. Let’s all forget about the behavior of our favorite rockstars that may have been predatory and, instead, shift that rage toward their wives, who were all undoubtedly annoying.

Take John Lennon and Yoko Ono for example. You’re telling me that his repeated abuse of women compares to the time that she used her voice to make noise during that performance they did with Chuck Berry? If so, you are complicit in allowing annoyance to run wild in America.

Oh, and I guess I’m just supposed to stop listening to Aerosmith because Steven Tyler happened to prey on an underage girl, get her pregnant, and make her have a forced abortion? Dream on, buddy. Either way, I’m sure his wife, whoever she was, was pretty annoying during all of that.

And what about Kurt Cobain? Granted, he really didn’t do anything that bad during his career. Except for one thing: marrying Courtney Love. At least she’s been reaping what she sowed for the past thirty years by receiving nothing but hate when she does anything. Like the time she called out Harvey Weinstein in 2005. How dare she do that without even giving him a chance to prove his musical abilities first?

Fuck separating the art from the artist. Instead, I’m going to transfer my anger over all of the horrible things they’ve done onto the women they were married to. We need to stand up for the most vulnerable members of society: rich and famous men who have literal teams of people protecting them from criticism. Poor little fellas.

KISS Goes Hog Wild With Sephora Points

Posted on by Ella Gale

NEW YORK — Members of glam rock group KISS were spotted using a stockpile of Sephora points at a local store late yesterday morning to purchase a number of items for their on-stage look, according to sources.

“My daughter and I saw Gene Simmons at the counter interrogating an employee about whether he’d be better served by the Dermalogica microfoliant or the Sunday Riley beauty kit,” said Brooklyn resident Tina Marcos, who was there to help her daughter purchase makeup for prom. “I think he bought them both. It looked like his Beauty Insider card had definitely seen better days, but they ended up sending him off with like three liquid lipsticks he never picked up for his birthday a few years in a row.”

Representatives of KISS guitarist Paul Stanley confirmed that the rocker had cashed in on “an undisclosed number” of points, and was thrilled to be experiencing Sephora products beyond just black-and-white greasepaint.

“Paul got some great stuff and is very excited to see if he can pull off beachy waves, and is incorporating a 10-step K-beauty routine to his evenings,” said PR spokesperson Quinn Sewell. “If moisturizer that rich, but not pore clogging, was around when they wrote ‘Hard Luck Woman,’ the song probably would have just been called ‘Woman’ or maybe something about not looking a year over 32, despite having three kids. He and the boys go to Sephora all the time, but I feel like this is the first time they’ve really experienced it.”

According to Sephora employee Kat Kitson, the band’s visit was an excruciating ordeal.

“Peter Criss asked questions about every single reward item we had in stock, and he got pretty confrontational about the night serum only being in a sample, even though it’s a deluxe,” Kitson recalled. “Plus he kept demanding to know if it could actually reverse the aging process, and then he ended up changing his mind and cashing in for 45 Tarte Shape Tape travel sizes instead. He spent so many points our system shut down and we had to stay late to talk to the Sephora fraud prevention team. Ugh.”

Simmons stated that he was so happy with his experience that he was considering returning to the store to ask an employee for help updating his heavy-eyeliner look into something more youthful and summery upon noticing “a lot of nice looking floral palettes.”

Review: Nine Inch Nails ‘Pretty Hate Machine’

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we cover “Pretty Hate Machine,” the 1989 debut from Nine Inch Nails.

There are so many things I want to say about this album, but while doing some cursory research on “Pretty Hate Machine” I learned that Trent Reznor worked as a handyman at Right Track Studio in Cleveland. The story goes that during studio “down-time” he would record himself and develop his own music. That sounds all well and good right? Well no it fucking isn’t. Read on my friend and find out why.

When I was growing up my parents told me there is only one thing I ever needed to know, “if you got time to lean, you got time to clean.” I’ve lived my life by those 11 words for nearly four decades. Something tells me old Trent wasn’t raised with similar discipline. Last I checked the saying isn’t “if you finish the bare minimum amount of work, you got time to record a genre-defining industrial album.” I’d love to see the maintenance records of that studio, did he do anything he was supposed to? I bet that bathroom was known across all of Ohio as the worst smelling bathroom in the recording industry. “Sorry, can’t fix that clogged pipe tonight boss, I need to finish recording ‘Head Like a Hole.’”

I think this is a problem with all musicians. They think they can avoid cleaning bathrooms wherever they go. One time when I was about 12-years-old I was at a mall outside of Boston. My stomach was pretty fucked up because I had eaten way too much Taco Bell and a shitload of free samples from other restaurants in the food court. I used the bathroom and the force of my diarrhea cracked the porcelain toilet bowl. Water and shit were leaking everywhere and I started to panic. I cleaned up the best I could and moved to get out of there, and as I was washing my hands, who do I see? None other than Aerosmith guitarist Joe Perry, and I say to Joe “hey man, you gotta clean up that shit or my dad’s gonna kill me.” Joe looked right at me and said “I don’t know what you’re talking about kid, but that’s not my job.” Well, what the fuck is your job exactly? I’ve been wondering that for years.

“Pretty Hate Machine” basically proves that musicians think they are too good to clean up another person’s shit. Don’t listen to this album.

Official Review: 5 out of 5 Toilet Bowls Filled with Shit

/**/

Punk Psychiatrist Suggests Fighting Dad

Posted on by Ryan Danley

PHOENIX — Local punk and licensed therapist Dr. Tim “Roach” Rochestky, LPCC, suggested that a patient kick his square fuckhead of a dad off his ass in an effort to heal from past trauma early yesterday afternoon, sources confirm.

“A lot of shrinks will tell you to ‘walk beside your feelings’ or some other crap the state wants you to believe so you can be a good worker. But in my practice we go by pit rules: if someone doesn’t help you up when you fall, that poser gets their ass kicked,” said Rochestky. “Just the other day, a patient was saying how their dad used to bully them for not being a football player like their brother. I prescribed a shined pair of steel toes. To see that growth in people makes this fucked capitalist society a little bit better.”

While some have found Dr. Roach’s techniques to be unorthodox, patient Susan Simpson said she stands by the program, and credits it with helping her overcome workplace anxiety.

“I started seeing Tim when I was having panic attacks at the law firm I worked at. At first, drinking a jug of Carlo Rossi and telling my boss off seemed counterintuitive to my emotional goals, but he’s the pro, so who am I to say no?” said Simpson. “It didn’t really resolve the issue, but let’s just say I don’t need to stress about that job anymore, so I guess it technically worked.”

Dr. Emily Preston, head of the Psychotherapy Development Research Center at Yale, stressed that new therapies are crucial to industry growth.

“When someone brings new practices to the table, we have a chance to examine the human condition. If we didn’t have the hippy therapists of the 1960s, we would have never discovered that crystals cure the human need to have clean feet,” said Preston. “We need to attract as many people to therapy as we can, because people pay us, but rats cost money. And I will have these motherfuckers chasing cheese for science any way I can.”

Rochestky was unavailable for further comment as he was teaching a seminar on the effectiveness of crowd killing as a way to deal with social anxiety disorder.

Therapist Offers Father’s Day Introductory Rates

Posted on by Tony Morse

BOSTON — Local therapist Dr. Loic Middleberry attempted to reach new clients by introducing reduced-rate services for sessions focusing exclusively on dad issues in honor of Father’s Day, anger-fatigued sources confirmed.

“Father’s Day has always been triggering, but these days it seems to be worse, likely on account of all the time dads have had to really fuck up their kids in ways previously believed unimaginable,” explained the veteran psychotherapist. “We’re lucky if most people are willing to acknowledge even a loose connection between thinking about their shitfaced father fighting his brother-in-law at a childhood event and why they keep punching holes in the wall. I’m really hoping my ‘daddy issues discount’ can provide a healthier alternative for people, and maybe spare some drywall from needing tedious patchwork and painting.”

Several prospective new patients reported needing to count to ten before they could talk about Dr. Middleberry’s proposal.

“The lowered fees are nice. I usually spend much more money on booze this time of year, and every little bit helps,” said undiagnosed PTSD sufferer Rob Delgado. “I saw a shrink once in high school, and he said all my self-destructive behavior was a maladaptive way of coping with my dad refusing to boycott the store that fired me when I asked for a raise. I guess I should take up Dr. Middleberry on her offer and try therapy again before I break what’s left of my dishes the next time I get dumped for drinking too much on Christmas, my birthday, or really any time I’m around anyone who reminds me of anything from the first 18 years of my life.”

Still, some dads scoffed at the idea of their children needing professional help.

“Therapy? Why? I was a great father and I learned from the best,” said local dad Bryce Metzer. “My pops saw a ton of action in Europe during the war, and dealt with it by pretending he couldn’t see or hear me whenever I was upset about something. If my kid has some problem with that approach, it must be because her mother coddled her too much through the birth of her own son, her divorce, and the six failed relationships that followed. Everyone is so entitled these days.”

At press time, various 12-step groups around the country reported a surge in meeting attendance in advance of Father’s Day, which is expected to continue until the first week of July.

Playing Hard to Get? My Dad Still Hasn’t Said “I Love You”

Posted on by Dom Turek

There is no right or wrong time to say “I love you” in a relationship. That’s probably why my dad is waiting for the perfect moment to say it to me, my mom, my siblings, and our dog. They all think it’ll never happen, but I know he’s just playing hard to get.

My sister says his arrested development prevents him from feeling anything more than a vague fondness for us and that the only thing he loves is his power saw, but she doesn’t know him like I do. Being two years older, I know from experience he’s just not the type of guy to rush into saying “I love you” to someone he’s only known for two or three decades.

For a long time, I was convinced he physically couldn’t form the words. But then I heard him say it to a cashier at Home Depot who gave him three bags of fertilizer for the price of one. That’s when I knew it was up to me to earn it. I knew that with enough effort, I could get my dad to express the same affection for me as he did that anonymous employee in the gardening center.

There was this one time I really thought he was going to say it when we were fixing a flat tire. We were rushing to loosen the lug nuts as the shrinking sun turned the sky this amazing crimson red, when all of a sudden he put the jack down and looked into my eyes. I braced for the words, but then he told me I was kneeling in dog shit.

With age, I’ve learned that love isn’t something you say. It’s something you do. Maybe my dad doesn’t want to come off as desperate or vulnerable by saying “I love you” to someone who shares half his DNA, but he shows it in other ways, like occasionally answering my phone calls or saying “happy birthday” to me on the wrong day.

Not saying “I love you” has become something of a family tradition in this house. I’m sure my grandfather never said it to my dad, and one day I hope to have a son or daughter of my own who I’ll never say it to.

Straight Edge Dad Forced to Say He’s Going Out for Yoohoo Before Never Returning

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

BOSTON — Local straight edge father Maurice Puckett was depressed upon realizing he would have to say he was going to the corner store for a chocolate milk instead of cigarettes before never returning to his family again, according to those close to the situation.

“Dude, the hardest part of being straight edge is the fact that nothing you eat or drink is remotely cool. If I had a history of smoking then this would be no issue at all, not because I want to feel a buzz or talk outside of bars or look cool after having sex, but because I can’t even be a shitty dad the right way,” said Puckett while browsing expiration dates in the fridge. “I mean if I say I’m going out for cigarettes, it’s gonna be a whole thing. My kid’s gonna say I broke edge and call me a fake punk and tell me to remove my tattoos and shit, but I’m just trying to skip out on my responsibilities as a father. I’m not some sort of fucking sell out. This kid has no idea what true commitment even means.”

Puckett’s wife Catherine Peel was reportedly furious after Puckett pulled the “going out for Yoohoo” move on her and their 5-year-old son.

“It’s one thing to walk out on our family forever, leaving our child fatherless and me all alone. That, I get. But to say you’re going out for some weird ‘chocolate beverage’? I mean Jesus Christ. Talk about fucking up your kid forever. He’s gonna be in therapy the rest of his life after that,” Peel said. “Having a shitty dad, you know, mostly leads to depression and, eventually, good art. But little Jeremy’s gonna have to battle against picturing his dad, out with his new family, sipping on a little chocolate milk box like a loser. That’s just unforgivable.”

According to child therapist Dr. Troy Cresswell, Peel’s concerns were entirely correct.

“I deal with this sort of issue a lot with people who grew up listening to hardcore,” Dr. Cresswell explained. “There are many unique issues that come with being a straight edge parent. You have to constantly wipe little X marks off your child’s hands after they try to emulate you at school, you have to explain to your child far earlier what sex is so they can tell their bullies you being straight edge doesn’t mean they were adopted, and, worst of all, you have to get through the monotony of childrearing while being completely 100% sober. I don’t know how they fuck they do it.”

At press time, Peel and her son were seen breaking down in tears at a local grocery store after walking through the dairy aisle.

TV Exec Unaware Reboot He Pitching Already Successful Twitter Parody Account

Posted on by Chuck Kowalski

NEW YORK — Television executive Arthur Gaines, 73, remains oblivious that the “Frasier” reboot he’s been pitching for the past hour is already a popular Twitter parody account titled “Frasier Does Telehealth,” non-Baby Boomer sources confirmed.

“Times are changing, and the traditional sitcom character needs a tweak to catch up with the modern viewer,” said Gaines from his palatial penthouse. “All the kids today are depressed and eating ass right? And don’t get me started with how they’re always playing on their goddamn phones. So, what do we give them? That’s right, baby, Zoom telehealth expert Frasier fucking Crane. We’ll call it ‘Phone-a-Frasier.’ Hot damn, I haven’t gotten this stiff for an idea since I came up with ‘Seinfeld 2000.’ You just watch, this idea will save the entire entertainment industry.”

Staff writer Hadley Graham watched Gaines unwittingly reiterate numerous popular posts from the parody account, calling them the “television breakthrough of the decade.”

“It’s hard to believe he’s not on Twitter,” she noted. “Considering he’s nearly parroted a dozen of the ideas in his story arc where Niles pretends to be a frustrating client who puts Frasier’s tirades on TikTok, incidentally making him a social media star. In fact, I’m pretty sure seven or eight of them were in Slate’s ‘15 Times Frasier Does Telehealth Was Brilliantly Stupid’ write-up. I just hope he sours on the whole thing before he makes me draft an outline of his ‘tear-jerking’ COVID-22 season.”

“Frasier Does Telehealth” account creator Taylor Kozik couldn’t imagine his “barely cogent” plot points serving as the basis for a legitimate restart of the long-running NBC show.

“Whenever I tweet, I try to picture an old fart at a steakhouse blurting out storylines between sips of scotch,” he said of his creative process with a chuckle. “I lift a lot of ideas from trash I see on the ‘Wall Street Journal’ homepage or rambling voicemails from my dad. That’s how the whole Roz and avocado toast saga got started. The material is so cringe, I don’t think it would get consideration from even the most vanilla network.”

As of press time, Gaines had reportedly gotten an offer of $20 million to air the pilot on NBC.

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