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Punk Psychiatrist Suggests Fighting Dad

PHOENIX — Local punk and licensed therapist Dr. Tim “Roach” Rochestky, LPCC, suggested that a patient kick his square fuckhead of a dad off his ass in an effort to heal from past trauma early yesterday afternoon, sources confirm.

“A lot of shrinks will tell you to ‘walk beside your feelings’ or some other crap the state wants you to believe so you can be a good worker. But in my practice we go by pit rules: if someone doesn’t help you up when you fall, that poser gets their ass kicked,” said Rochestky. “Just the other day, a patient was saying how their dad used to bully them for not being a football player like their brother. I prescribed a shined pair of steel toes. To see that growth in people makes this fucked capitalist society a little bit better.”

While some have found Dr. Roach’s techniques to be unorthodox, patient Susan Simpson said she stands by the program, and credits it with helping her overcome workplace anxiety.

“I started seeing Tim when I was having panic attacks at the law firm I worked at. At first, drinking a jug of Carlo Rossi and telling my boss off seemed counterintuitive to my emotional goals, but he’s the pro, so who am I to say no?” said Simpson. “It didn’t really resolve the issue, but let’s just say I don’t need to stress about that job anymore, so I guess it technically worked.”

Dr. Emily Preston, head of the Psychotherapy Development Research Center at Yale, stressed that new therapies are crucial to industry growth.

“When someone brings new practices to the table, we have a chance to examine the human condition. If we didn’t have the hippy therapists of the 1960s, we would have never discovered that crystals cure the human need to have clean feet,” said Preston. “We need to attract as many people to therapy as we can, because people pay us, but rats cost money. And I will have these motherfuckers chasing cheese for science any way I can.”

Rochestky was unavailable for further comment as he was teaching a seminar on the effectiveness of crowd killing as a way to deal with social anxiety disorder.