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Lapsed Pagans Only Go to Orgies On Equinoxes

CEDAR HILLS, Ore. — Local casually practicing Wiccans Lois and Timothy Webb told friends earlier this week that, while they are still technically Pagan, they really only go to orgies on the big holidays rather than every weekend, congregants of the family’s coven reported.

“Yeah, I don’t know, I guess I still believe; it’s just we’re so busy with the kids’ sports and dance lessons. Plus, we have to stay up past midnight for most orgies, so good luck doing that with three kids. It doesn’t always feel worth it to trek out to the middle of some corn field just so we can strip naked while someone else inevitably forgets the oils,” Lois Webb explained while looking for her ceremonial candles. “And even then I’m not really paying attention. I just want to get out early and beat the crowds at the only 24-hour restaurant in town.”

Some of the more dedicated Pagans were upset about the Webbs’ lukewarm participation.

“Just showing up for the big events is frustrating to me. Being Wiccan is about fellowship, a celebration of nature, and of course, filthy group sex that would make Pan himself throw up into his flute. But we can’t build a community if you only show up to eat a stranger’s ass once every six months,” said coven member Persephone “Orion” Amethyst. “When we had a yard sale to raise money for a new Fertility Boline, Lois was nowhere to be found. But when she wants to be taken by my husband under the light of the full moon while I ride her face, she always seems to have the time.”

American religious expert Dr. Courtney Goodwin noted the steady decline of zealous Wiccans in recent years.

“As with many religions in America, more so-called Wiccans are drifting further from their faith and really only celebrating the big ticket holidays,” said Goodwin. “Most are forgoing the rather grueling and outmoded practices of banishment, casting the circle, and drawing down the gods in favor of the more fun and flashy rituals like sex magic, spell casting, and dancing naked. It’s basically the celebrating-Christmas-in-Disneyland of the Pagan world.”

As of press time, the Webbs had announced that they would be taking a cruise during Lughnasadh instead of celebrating.