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Fully Vaxxed McDonald’s Employee Excited to Safely Spit On Shitty Customer’s Big Mac

DENVER — Recently vaccinated McDonald’s line cook Lydia Dupree was relieved to be able to safely add layers of shimmering spittle to a fucker of a customer’s Big Mac, fellow underpaid co-workers confirmed.

“This loud bag of dicks came in at 2 am trying to be funny by ordering a ‘uhhhh a McWhopper please’ and mockingly asked if ‘the ice cream machine is fucked again’ — I mean, of course it is but you don’t have to be an asshole about it,” said Dupree. “With the COVID-19 scare last year, I was limited to rubbing cold McNuggets on my taint, which is a bit time-consuming considering our reputation for speed. So I’m pretty stoked that I can return to serving what I call the McDrool with a side of mucus.”

Assistant Manager Chloe Chen lauded Dupree’s attention to detail and high standard of safety.

“At McDonald’s, food safety is our number one priority, so spitting on a patron’s meal before you’re fully vaccinated is a big no-no for us. Dupree is a thriving example of how you can still be a proactive model employee even when you’re not earning a livable wage,” said Chen. “I’ve seen her passion for the craft, and man, she went to town on the lettuce, tomato, and both buns, spreading her saliva like it was churned butter. It’s almost like she’s doing it not out of spite, but out of love; a true artist.”

US Department of Labor representative Diane Harrison encouraged other fast-food workers to get vaccinated to make their lives easier.

“Food service workers are pandemic heroes, so we’ll do everything we can to bring back a sense of normalcy to their work, including the shitty customers who make them want to leave and never come back,” said Harrison. “If you’re not yet vaccinated, we recommend keeping the retaliation effort free of bodily fluid, and instead reducing their fries size even more, adding toilet water to the soda machine, or just punching a salad, because what else can you do?”

As of press time, Dupree was seen organizing an internal training session on how to ruin an annoying kid’s Happy Meal by putting fake divorce papers for their parents on the tray.