Opinion: “Malibu’s Most Wanted” Saved My Life

Posted on by Eric Navarro

In dark times, we often turn to pieces of media that reflect who we are and how we’re feeling. These various songs, movies, and other forms of art help get us through our hardest times. They foster us when we lack support. They comfort us when we’re in need. In a sense, they save us. And I, for one, am so thankful that Jamie Kennedy teamed up with Warner Bros. Pictures to create the masterpiece that I’ve turned to in my darkest of times, “Malibu’s Most Wanted.”

2003 was a dark time for all of us. 9/11 was still fresh and we were about to start another war. More importantly, 50 Cent came out and I was determined to model my burgeoning teen self after him, despite being a sheltered white kid from the suburbs whose father was a California senator about to run for governor. While all of my classmates were quoting “American Pie,” I merely wished I had a film to capture my experiences. That all changed on April 18, 2003, when “Malibu’s Most Wanted” came out. Finally, I saw myself reflected. A perfect avatar dressed in light blue Tarheels gear, despite never having been to North Carolina. Just like me.

Through the years, I’ve gone back to this film many times. Through every break up, every trauma, every failed test or lost job, “Malibu’s Most Wanted” was always there for me. Hell, when I got married, my “Malibu’s Most Wanted” DVD was my best man. I’m just kidding! That would be insane. We did have it playing at the reception, though. I like it a lot.

It may seem silly to have such an affinity for a movie of which Roger Ebert said, “At least Gene didn’t have to sit through this turd.” But let me tell you, upon revisiting it, I don’t even see how bad this movie is. I don’t notice the cringey writing, the awful acting, or the hilariously hamfisted takes on race in America. All I see is the thing that saved me. But, yes, it is unfortunate that my “thing” is Jamie Kennedy doing verbal blackface for over an hour.

Man Who Has Never Seen a Cop in His Neighborhood Pretty Sure We Don’t Have an Over Policing Problem

Posted on by Stephen Bell

WESTON, Conn. — Police supporter Derek Conroy is “pretty confident” that there is no over-policing problem in the United States because he has never seen a cop in his gated neighborhood, sources confirmed.

“Never in my life have I even heard as much as a police siren go off on my street,” said Conroy. “Heck, I don’t even know what police even really look like, it’s been so long since I’ve interacted with an officer. I remember them being nice, funny guys, like in ‘Lethal Weapon,’ and that Benny Hill song is so damn catchy. In fact, the last time I did see one was when I had to pick my fuck-up sister’s kid from school. Those boys really do go above and beyond, keeping every corner of this place safe, and everyone assured.”

Conroy’s view of the police was not shared by BLM activist and resident of an over-policed neighborhood, Lucretia Thompson.

“It’s pretty clear to me that ole Derek here gets all of his impressions of police from copaganda shows,” stated Thompson. “Which I guess would be his only impression of cops if he never actually sees them operate. I once got into a spat with him on Facebook in which he argued, ‘If cops were bad, why would they work with Batman?’ I tried to explain to him that one, Batman isn’t real, and two, if the show was anything like real life the cops would be planting riddles on the Riddler. He didn’t understand the metaphor.”

When asked for comment, spokespersons for the Weston Police Department insisted that they’re only present when really needed in the Weston community.

“Mr. Conroy can be assured that the police will show up in his neighborhood if need arises,” said Police Chief Cynthia Grand. “Let’s say that, hypothetically, a person of a certain ‘persuasion’ shows up in town. You can be guaranteed that we will be there to greet any black… intentioned people. Yeah, that’s what I mean. Anyone who would want to do anything ‘black,’ as in evil, like black magic. We do things the white way around here. I mean, the right way. God, my mouth just has a mind of its own today.”

At press time, Conroy changed his mind and decided that all cops are freedom-stealing bastards after being given his first speeding ticket.

It’s Not a Relapse, It’s a Renegotiation of the Terms of My Sobriety

Posted on by Eric Navarro

No, I’m not in the middle of another relapse. I’ve simply sat down with my demons and renegotiated some terms. Upon revisiting the terms of my sobriety, I have come to an agreement that I can live with. Or die with, which I’m now realizing will be a likely outcome as I re-read this new arrangement.

Like any good contract, my sobriety should have some wiggle room. If Verizon can weasel out of every rebate I send in because the wrong box was ticked or the whole thing was soaked in Kentucky Gentleman, my sobriety should at least get a cheat day. And a cheat recovery day where we taper off. And anytime I smell cigarette smoke and start craving Yuengling for some reason.

Honestly, the shameful, headache-y way I feel as a result of breaking my sobriety has me feeling awful about myself. To be frank, the way my sobriety has reacted to my teeny tiny mistake makes me not even want to be sober. Sobriety is so fucking judgmental. Just like my drunk dad. Except my dad wasn’t as bad because eventually he’d leave me alone. I hate to say it, but I think my sobriety has codependency issues. Sad.

What even is “sobriety,” anyway? Not taking Tylenol? Caffeine? Meth? Where’s the line? Other people redefine sobriety all the time. Hell, I know cocaine addicts with longer AA chips than me! And that’s frustrating, because cocaine just makes me wanna drink more.

This isn’t fair. My sobriety holds me to such a rigidly high standard. And did you know sobriety is forever? You know who else holds unbreakable contracts for eternity? The Devil. And I bet Hitler wasn’t fond of amending things, either.

Study: Blink-182’s 2005 “Greatest Hits” Album Requires No Updating

Posted on by Stephen Bell

LOS ANGELES — A recent study conducted by music researchers at UCLA concluded that Blink-182’s “Greatest Hits” album from 2005 isn’t in need of any revisions and probably won’t be for some time, despite the several albums that have since been released.

“Pretty much everyone we interviewed for this study agreed that Blink-182 had already peaked by 2005,” said lead researcher Arthur Raynor. “That is, all the 30-something-year-olds we surveyed seemed to think that nothing could top what they remembered listening to in middle school and high school. Interestingly, anyone under 20 or over 45 had similar answers about how unaware they were of the band. The most common responses were either ‘I don’t listen to that crap’ or ‘I thought they broke up in 1999.’”

Participants in the study were quick to explain why they felt nothing from Blink-182’s post-2005 catalog could potentially be added to a greatest hits album.

“When I listen to a song, I want it to make me feel similar to the way I felt when I got my first handjob. Mainly because it was a Blink-182 song that I listened to immediately after getting my first handjob in high school,” said 33-year-old Nick Tucker. “It was also unfortunately my last. Now anytime I listen to ‘I Miss You,’ I think about Alexa and that handjob. It’s almost like they wrote that song about me! Nothing they’ve written since then reminds me of handjobs, and I don’t think they’ve written a song about shitting your pants or fucking someone’s mom in nearly two decades; therefore, not greatest hits material.”

Founding and only consistent member of Blink-182 Mark Hoppus felt sure that something they’ve produced since then warrants inclusion on a greatest hits compilation.

“You’re really going to tell me that ‘California’ doesn’t count as a hit?” said a frustrated Hoppus. “I packed so many fucking ‘na na nas’ into that song you’d think I was vociferously denying something the whole time. I know people love that repetitive shit. I mean Third Eye Blind’s biggest hit is just them saying ‘doo doo doo’ a lot. And yes, I know people think we’re just not the same since Tom left the band, but whatshisname has been a great addition. I want to call him Jeff? Whatever, the point is we still rock. Shit, cum, piss. See? Blink hasn’t changed.”

At press time, Hoppus announced the upcoming release of a Blink-182 B-sides album consisting entirely of band members farting into microphones.

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How Sharing Racist Memes on Facebook Did Wonders for My Makeup Ponzi Scheme

Posted on by Alec Stein

Heyyyy #GirlBosses! As a white woman that owns several large-brimmed hats, I am an expert in entrepreneurship. This wasn’t always the case though. Not so long ago, I was just another Midwestern stepmom, struggling to get friends from high school to join my ponzi scheme, with nary a leopard spot on my phone case. What changed? How did I go from the unsuccessful life of getting Barefoot drunk at my stepson’s soccer match to living lavishly and getting Barefoot drunk at Aloha Beach (the water park in Wisconsin Dells)? The answer: sharing the most outlandishly racist memes on my Facebook page.

It all started sort of by accident. I shared what I thought was a picture about mascara. As it turns out, “thin blue line” has less to do with makeup and more to do with something called “the systematic and predatory tactics used by law enforcement against minorities and the socio-economically disadvantaged.” I have no idea what that means, but all my Facebook friends are apparently super in favor of it.

Just minutes after sharing that meme, my post was blowing up! Folks I hadn’t heard from in years were coming out of the woodwork to make sure that I knew they supported the perpetual oppression of black people in this country. The best part? These Confederate LARPers are the exact same people gullible enough to think my extremely obvious ponzi scheme is an actual business opportunity.

Just like that, business was booming. Instead of sharing over-filtered selfies, I started posting memes that these racist pigs gobbled up like slop from the trough. Once everyone was in the comments talking about why it should be harder for minorities to vote or something, I just chimed in with “Wow! You are very well-read patriots! Here is a way to make $1000 a day that definitely isn’t a ponzi scheme!”

Heck, just the other day I wanted some cash to buy a few more “Live, Laugh, Love” wall stickers, so I made up some shit about Hondurans being responsible for Trump getting banned from Facebook and slapped it on a picture of the guy from “Goodfellas” laughing. I posted it in a group called “Evangelicals for a Whiter Tomorrow.” Within an hour I had five new “employees” cashing in their 401ks and writing me checks to join, and I can’t make this clear enough, what is undeniably an overt pyramid scheme.

Anyway, thanks for reading, huns. The market seems to be getting a bit over-saturated, but you know what they say: “There’s a racist moron, that can’t tell the difference between an actual business and getting absolutely fleeced for all they’re worth, born every minute.”

XOXO

Tinder Bot Refuses To Spam Anyone Under Six Feet

Posted on by Constantine Platanias

CHICAGO — Local Tinder bot Jennifer, 29, whose existence centers on driving lonely men to fraudulent dating sites, organically stopped spamming anyone under six feet tall, mildly insulted sources confirmed.

“I’m not really sure how this happened. She’s supposed to engage with everyone in order to gain access to the most bank accounts possible, regardless of their height or how many countries they’ve visited,” said Lloyd Fowler, Jennifer’s coder and experienced scam artist operating out of Evanston, Illinois. “Maybe she’s mimicking other profiles she sees? That would explain why she keeps adding different quotes from ‘New Girl’ to her bio. I’m not sure what to do. She’s out of control.”

The AI’s rigid new spamming standards have left some users feeling insulted and insecure.

“I rarely match with real women, so it’s nice when a bot shows genuine interest, even if she is just after my social security number,” said Tinder Platinum user Troy Dotson, who matched with Jennifer last week. “But Jennifer just asked how tall I was and then told me I was too short to enter her website. Why should that matter? Is it because tall people make more money? My credit card works just as well as any man’s, and my limit is huge.”

Others are more supportive of Jennifer’s decision to limit her dating pool based on height, arguing it merely reflects the algorithm’s high self-esteem.

“Everyone is entitled to their preferences, even computer programs designed to trick people into giving away their personal information. Personally, I love a woman who knows what she wants,” said 6’1” user Tristan Brown, another one of Jennifer’s matches. “We chatted for a couple of hours before heading back to her website. Then she showed me some private pictures that nobody else has seen. I didn’t come here looking for anything serious, but I think I’m falling for her.”

At press time, Brown had reached out to Jennifer to let her know that his computer has a virus and that she should probably get tested.

Opinion: I Back the Blue but Also Conveniently Don’t See Color

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Listen up, buttercup. In this house, we always back the blue. We support the boys in blue and we know blue lives matter. This is a blue house! Blue, blue, blue! Except when voting. But don’t let that fool you. I don’t see color whatsoever.

That’s right. Black, white, or purple. I don’t care what color you are. Unless of course, you’re blue. Then I suddenly care and conveniently acknowledge that you’re being mistreated by the mainstream media. Besides that, we’re all just humans who bleed the same color, which just so happens to be red. But I cannot stress enough that red is also one of the colors I don’t see.

I also want to clarify that when I say “blues lives matter,” I’m talking specifically about cops, and I want to be clear that I don’t mean all people who wear blue uniforms in general. Best Buy employees, mail carriers, the New York Mets — all lives which do not matter. I guess I’m saying all colors’ lives matter equally, just some colors more equally than others.

That sounds kind of racist-y now that I think about it, but let’s not unpack that. Wouldn’t want to contradict my lifelong beliefs this late in the game. Especially since every shirt in my wardrobe has an American flag on it. These colors I don’t see don’t run.

Anyway, as a white guy, I say the best way to deal with racism is to not talk about it at all. What works best for me is to just pretend racism doesn’t exist against all evidence otherwise. The way I see it, if it doesn’t affect you personally, then it’s probably nothing to worry about. Try ignoring racism and see how that goes. That’s what’s been working for people like me!

Aging Punk Ordered to Inform Neighbors He is a Registered Poser

Posted on by Ben Friedman

LOS ANGELES — Aging punk Mike Cruz was ordered by the Council of Punk Legitimacy to inform his neighbors that he is a registered poser in an effort to promote community safety and transparency, residents in Cruz’s Boyle Heights neighborhood confirmed.

“This is a massive misunderstanding. I thought I was meeting this girl who said she was GG Allin’s niece. I made the mistake of meeting her at an Applebee’s and as soon as I saw her wearing an MxPx shirt, I got the hell out of there. Unfortunately for me, a guy who plays bass in Diaper Baby was dumpster diving out back and saw me. Next thing I know I have the whole scene up my ass,” said the former credible punk. “They let me stay in town, but only if I go door to door and tell my neighbors that I call all live music ‘concerts,’ and that I like microbrews and Nancy Pelosi. This is bullshit.”

The local Council of Punk Legitimacy, which acts as a neighborhood watch for the scene, knew swift action was required to ensure the integrity and safety of their venues and hangouts.

“To think we had a poser living among us for so long makes me sick. Naturally we launched an investigation, and found he was keeping a lot of dirty secrets: an Associate’s Degree in Communications, active healthcare through the state that wasn’t part of his parents’ plan, an AC/DC shirt from Target, and a goddamn Beto O’Rourke campaign pin,” said CPL leader June Mckenzie. “But since he technically didn’t break any actual laws, it’s not like we can kick him out. We came to an agreement that he can stay, so long as he informs everyone that he’s fucking lame, and a big red dot shows up on his apartment when you search the ‘Ian’s Law’ website.”

Residents of Boyle Heights were appalled that a poser was living in their midst, and had been in close contact with their children.

“I felt sick when Mike came to my door. But when I think back there were a few things that didn’t seem right, like the time I saw him smoking Newports instead of American Spirits. I thought he was desperate and bummed them from someone,” said neighbor Frank Longelli. “I let him tattoo my kid, for god’s sake. He probably learned how to do it off of Youtube and not in a shitty bathroom at a basement show, like a normal person.”

As of press time, Cruz was informed he is no longer allowed within 500 feet of any dive bar.

Devastated Man Discovers He’s Not The Only Customer Mechanic Calls ‘Big Guy’

Posted on by Literally A Koala

NEW HAVEN, Conn. — Local man and dedicated Al’s Automotive supporter Brian Crespi was shocked and devastated to learn that the mechanic he sees regularly calls nearly everyone else he sees “big guy,” sources report.

“I was in for my usual oil change and everything seemed totally normal,” Crespi explained of a routine maintenance appointment earlier this week. “When I was heading out, I heard my main man Al yell out to ‘take care, big guy,’ but when I turned around he was smiling and waving to some other asshole. I’ve been coming here every six months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first, for the last five years. I thought we’d built something special, but apparently he’ll call anyone with a credit card and a set of car keys that. I feel so foolish.”

Fellow Al’s Automotive patrons report finding out that Al just talks like that to everyone in a similar manner.

“Al and I had a great afternoon together, where he did some work on my front end suspension and I read a Sports Illustrated from 2013 while I was in the waiting area. After, he said, ‘All set, big guy.’ But then some doof asked Al where the bathroom is, and Al said, ‘Down the hall and hook a left, big guy,’ right in front of me and everything,” recalled former Al’s Automotive customer who hasn’t been back since, Dennis Sturm. “Looking back, the signs were all there — I wear khakis six days a week, and physically, I’m actually quite small. I’m not ‘big guy’ material. Rejection always hurts, but I guess it’s better to learn where you stand with someone sooner rather than later.”

Al Gagliardo, the shop owner in question, defended his affectionate verbal style.

“I do my best to give each and every one of my clients the same time and attention they deserve,” Gagliardo stated. “But the fact of the matter is, I see a lot of champs, buddys, and amigos in my line of work, and if someone can’t accept that, that’s on them. Because Al’s got a lot of generic niceties to share, and he ain’t letting no one’s insecurities get in the way of that.”

At press time, a local woman was crushed after hearing her hairstylist refer to another client as a “boss bitch.”

Conservatives Ask if They Can Stop Listening to Ariel Pink Now

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

WASHINGTON — Prominent conservatives nationwide are beginning to inquire if they are still morally obligated to listen to Ariel Pink after the artist was spotted at the Capitol riot, confirmed multiple sources who believe the election was stolen.

“After learning that he stood up to stop the steal and was cancelled by the left, I went out and bought every Ariel Pink album. But, like my constituents, I’m wondering when we can turn this crap off,” remarked Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO.). “I’m not sure what exactly it is I’m listening to. It’s out-of-tune keyboards and some really wussy singing. I guess I can see why the libtards used to like this soy-boy shit. I wish this guy sounded a bit more like The Nuge, that’s for sure, but we have to show those SJW sheep what it’s like to be a free thinker by automatically liking anything they don’t, no matter how lame, confusing, or really fucking shitty it might be.”

The novelty of Pink’s prominence in the conservative world was explored by prominent libertarian and ephebophilia advocate Glenn Greenwald, who offered his unsolicited opinion.

“As anyone who has ever read my Twitter knows, under normal circumstances I would insult anyone who liked Ariel Pink,” an exasperated Greenwald stated. “But unfortunately for me and my legion of fans, we have to support him for as long as we can handle. We need to suffer through the worst, pandering, saccharine dreck so long as liberals hate it. We will only allow ourselves to stop listening to his ‘music’ once the PC police move on to someone new. And honestly, I hope that happens soon. This is garbage. I’m not sure who this crap is for.”

Ariel Pink, the trust funder and alleged domestic abuser, spoke out in support of his fans and music.

“After the Stop the Steal rally, I was in a very dark place. I was being unfairly canceled by my ‘fans’ and I had women making up extremely specific lies about sexual assault. I didn’t know what I was going to do,” said Pink while nodding off periodically. “Thankfully I found a legion of new fans that supported my art. I know I might not sound exactly like their other favorite bands, so it means a lot to me that they would still proudly play ‘Ku Klux Glam’ from their pickup trucks. I look forward to creating new music that they will be proud to call their own.”

Pink also announced he would be joining the conservative late-night talk show “Gutfield!” as band leader.