LOS ANGELES — Aging punk Mike Cruz was ordered by the Council of Punk Legitimacy to inform his neighbors that he is a registered poser in an effort to promote community safety and transparency, residents in Cruz’s Boyle Heights neighborhood confirmed.
“This is a massive misunderstanding. I thought I was meeting this girl who said she was GG Allin’s niece. I made the mistake of meeting her at an Applebee’s and as soon as I saw her wearing an MxPx shirt, I got the hell out of there. Unfortunately for me, a guy who plays bass in Diaper Baby was dumpster diving out back and saw me. Next thing I know I have the whole scene up my ass,” said the former credible punk. “They let me stay in town, but only if I go door to door and tell my neighbors that I call all live music ‘concerts,’ and that I like microbrews and Nancy Pelosi. This is bullshit.”
The local Council of Punk Legitimacy, which acts as a neighborhood watch for the scene, knew swift action was required to ensure the integrity and safety of their venues and hangouts.
“To think we had a poser living among us for so long makes me sick. Naturally we launched an investigation, and found he was keeping a lot of dirty secrets: an Associate’s Degree in Communications, active healthcare through the state that wasn’t part of his parents’ plan, an AC/DC shirt from Target, and a goddamn Beto O’Rourke campaign pin,” said CPL leader June Mckenzie. “But since he technically didn’t break any actual laws, it’s not like we can kick him out. We came to an agreement that he can stay, so long as he informs everyone that he’s fucking lame, and a big red dot shows up on his apartment when you search the ‘Ian’s Law’ website.”
Residents of Boyle Heights were appalled that a poser was living in their midst, and had been in close contact with their children.
“I felt sick when Mike came to my door. But when I think back there were a few things that didn’t seem right, like the time I saw him smoking Newports instead of American Spirits. I thought he was desperate and bummed them from someone,” said neighbor Frank Longelli. “I let him tattoo my kid, for god’s sake. He probably learned how to do it off of Youtube and not in a shitty bathroom at a basement show, like a normal person.”
As of press time, Cruz was informed he is no longer allowed within 500 feet of any dive bar.