Kid Forced to Be Punk After Bad Haircut

Posted on by Ken Taro

THOUSAND OAKS, Calif. — Local high school freshman Mason Daniels was forced to become a member of his local punk community after a self-administered haircut turned out horribly, a classmate who saw the sickening aftermath confirmed.

“I was trying to beat up some loser who could only afford last year’s Cucinelli boat shoes, and my hair kept getting into my eyes,” snarled Daniels, the 15-year-old private school student. “While I was trying to sweep it away, the kid escaped. I vowed to never let that happen again, so I went home to take care of the situation myself because I didn’t want to wait for my personal hairstylist to come over. I butchered it so badly it looked like a blonde Picasso painting.”

Upon noticing the new cut, Daniels was driven by friends to a nearby bowling alley and left to enter his new life as a punk.

“I thought the punks would laugh at me, but they didn’t. Instead, they started throwing rocks at the car as it drove away,” Daniels stated. “I told them my friends abandoned me because of my haircut, but these new guys genuinely said they liked my hair. One of them even admitted he intentionally tried to make his hair look like that but wasn’t able to. They took me down to a bridge where we spray painted some dicks on the wall together. This was the first time I really felt like I was being myself.”

Mason’s mother, Alice, couldn’t believe that was her son when she first saw him after the tragedy, and she certainly didn’t share his epiphany.

“I didn’t even recognize him when he walked onto our yacht,” lamented Alice. “His head looked like a Tootsie Pop that fell onto a golden retriever. My heart sank because I knew his life was over. He had so much going for him. He had his whole life ahead of him. Now, I’m pretty sure he would get more than a ticket for killing an immigrant family of four while driving under the influence of Oxycontin.”

At press time, Daniels was suspended for punching his polo team coach in the face and was last seen sewing an Aus Rotten patch onto his school blazer.

The Filibuster Must Be Abolished and Until It Is, I’m Withholding Sex From Every Member of the Senate

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Enough is enough! The American government is at a standstill. Our own seat of political power is hopelessly compromised all due to the misuse of a bad-faith voting technique known as the “filibuster.” I believe the filibuster must be abolished and until it is, I will withhold hot, orgasmic sex from every single member of the Senate.

Quick civics lesson here, people. The filibuster is not in the Constitution nor is it in any way a part of what the Framers intended. It was created in 1917 as a way to prevent unlimited, neverending debate and now has become the very thing it was intended to work against: a legislation killer. And you know what else it’s going to kill? Senators’ chances of getting a hot piece of this unlimited, neverending ass.

And you just know they want it so bad. Oh fuck yeah they do. But they can’t have it, no, because they’ve been naughty little legislators.

In the ancient tradition of Aristophanes’ Lysistrata, I refuse to perform any kind of penetrative sex, oral sex, fingering, fisting, frottage, cottaging, banging, yanking, or spank-banking with anyone who is currently serving a six-year term in the US Senate. Until they do away with this archaic and counter-democratic procedure that serves no legitimate function, this butt-shop is closed for business. No matter how much they beg or how many ice-cold showers I have to take, I must make this stand for America.

This is not something I should be applauded for. I believe it is the duty of every American to make sure that we live in a nation based on laws, decency, and the most scorching, sex-dripping legislative body on Earth. Until then, I and every citizen must resist the urge to sex up every member of the Senate. From our most-aged yet still sexual Senators to the fresh, barely-legal (in terms of being able to introduce bills, that is) Senators in their first terms, we must fight our ubiquitous desire to bang them. We all must do what we must do. For the democracy. For the union. God Bless America.

Other Maroon 5 Members Wondering if Maybe They Can Dance With a Supermodel in Next Video

Posted on by Ryan Danley

LOS ANGELES — Members of pop rock outfit Maroon 5 are wondering when they will finally enjoy the fruits of the band’s success that their famous lead singer does, such as dancing with the world’s most beautiful women, frustrated sources reported.

“When we started this band it was great. We were all moving like Jagger with women at parties. Flash forward ten years and Adam can’t leave his house without being mobbed. Meanwhile, I don’t even get recognized at Starbucks. I’m a goddamn guitar player for Christ’s sake,” said rhythm guitarist Jesse Carmichael. “When Adam wanted to dance with the model in the first video, we were all happy. We figured we would get our turn. Now I’m not even sure if any of us are invited to the next video shoot. Adam doesn’t return my calls.”

For his part, Levine is not sure the other members of the band are ready for the responsibility.

“I’ve spent years preparing to dance with elite supermodels by sitting backwards in a chair for hours while listening to amateur singers. Are they even ready to have an entire flash sheet tattooed on their chest? I don’t think so,” said a defiant Levine. “Plus, dancing with supermodels is overrated. I mean, you can only press up against the firm, sweet smelling body of a women who’s been molded into an exact portrait of our current definition of beauty and sex appeal so many times. It’s hard being me.”

Larry Alstrap, Editor-In-Chief of Hit Parader magazine, stressed that these types of band interactions are as old as rock itself.

“We’ve seen this a lot, most famously with Gregg Allman. I’m not even sure if the other guys in the band were actually his bros. That guy married Cher, and the rest all died in a plane crash I think,” said Alstrap. “Honestly these guys should be counting their lucky stars they have one famous guy in the band. If you put a gun to my fucking head right now I couldn’t tell you the name of anyone who has ever been in Chicago. I mean really, put a gun to my head.”

Carmichael was unavailable for further comment as he was busy explaining to his Denny’s waitress that he actually wrote the song playing overhead.

6 Ways To Get Out of a Speeding Ticket That Are All Just Punching the Cop and Running Away

Posted on by James Knapp

We’ve all been there. You’re blasting Mötley Crüe’s greatest hits while cruising at 80 mph through a school zone when some nosy State trooper decides he’s gonna try to ruin your day with a totally bogus speeding ticket. Well, no worries. Here’s a few foolproof ways to get out of that fascist fine that all involve laying that fucker out and getting the hell out of there.

1. The Classic One-Two: If you’re reading this and had any interaction with law enforcement ever, then there’s a good chance you’ve already tried this one. Not a whole lot of technique required here. Just give a couple quick jabs to the solar plexus and then book it for the treeline.

2. Uppercut to the Groin, aka. “The Copkiller”: Like Mama always said, “a swift kick to a narc’s coin purse is the best way to drink for free.” Punch a cop in the balls and you won’t even have to worry about him chasing after you.

3. Hole Cut Out of the Bottom of a Box of Donuts: A twist on the classic “popcorn bucket handjob” trick, simply offer the officer a Boston cream then give him a knuckle sandwich. He’ll still be dazed and dreaming of glazed confections while you’re already safely across State lines. The best part is there’s no risk of getting a bunch of popcorn kernels stuck in your penis!

4. Pay a Drunk Friend to Do It For You: This is a great option for individuals with both disposable income and a friend with poor impulse control in the passenger seat. With this one you won’t even have to run. Just blame it on Gary and let his ass have to hightail it out of there.

5. Boxing Glove on a Big Spring: Arguably the most technical entry in this list, the boxing glove on a big spring takedown is only advisable to cop-punchers with professional clowning experience. Note: be sure to remove clown shoes prior to running away.

6. The Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Punch: Go big or go home! Just kidding. If you pull this one off you’ll never be able to go home again, you know, on account of the cop you just killed. Still, drivers who have undergone the cruel tutelage of Pai Mei will find this highly effective technique hard to resist. Better change your name and sand off your fingerprints ‘cause you’re gonna be on the run for a long time.

Green Room Actually Beige Curtain

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — Touring band The Cheap Seats were annoyed to find that the promised green room at their next venue was actually just a beige curtain separating them from showgoers, according to band members.

“This happens too fucking often,” reported lead guitarist Steven Meznik while struggling to share the space with his four bandmates. “Like, we don’t expect a Guns N’ Roses-style green room with piles of coke and silk pillows or whatever, but this doesn’t even qualify as a room, green or not. Literally, it’s just the corner of the bar, with a shitty beige cloth draped over some sticks that look duct-taped to the wall. It’s not even the corner nearest to the stage. We should fucking fire our tour manager Adam for shit like this.”

“Our mom would tear me a new one if I fired my brother, though, so we’re pretty much stuck with him,” Meznik added.

Venue manager Walter Corrigan disagreed with Meznick’s opinion of conditions at Jackawolf, the venue in question.

“I don’t know what these guys think they’re going to get when they show up,” said Corrigan. “But Jackawolf isn’t Madison Square Garden, and they’re not the J. Geils band. If it’s good enough for all the other lousy bands that come in here to yell about their parents into a mic while I’m trying to pour beer, it’s good enough for them. Their tour manager is the only one that didn’t bitch about it, but he also looks like he’s fucking 15 or something. Also, not one of them mentioned that I had the kitchen whip up a vegetable tray with some bean dip. Fucking ingrates.”

On the other hand, retired band manager Alan Phillips was sympathetic to The Cheap Seats.

“Touring bands like those boys have it rough,” Phillips explained. “It’s pretty typical of that kind of dive bar to not give a shit that a band actually cares about what they’re doing. I mean, not enough to have decent songs or learn how to harmonize on backing vocals, based on what I’ve heard from these boys. But they care enough to be upset about their green room. At least that bar isn’t one of those places that calls the toilet a green room and then refuses to pay up because they say you shit in the green room, which I’ve seen happen far too many times to count.”

At press time, The Cheap Seats had begun performing an hour late for what was described as an audience, but was actually a collection of alcoholics.

Doom Rock Band Has Full Vehicle Inspection and Oil Change as Merch Items

Posted on by Zac Lux

PORTLAND, Ore. — Doom metal veterans Flaccid Obelisk is selling coupons for a full vehicle inspection with a complimentary oil change as exclusive merch items at their shows, excited metalheads and car owners confirm.

“We ran out of XXL cutoff shirts a quarter of the way into the tour, so we had to get creative,” said guitarist Phil “Battleaxe” Pruitt. “That’s when we realized, ‘Hey, we’re all mechanics! We all work at the same auto repair shop when we’re not touring, so let’s just bring our pain in the ass day job along.’ So, we melt our fans’ faces at night, and fix their car the next day. Besides, we don’t want to get rusty, you know.”

When word spread of Flaccid Obelisk’s third Pacific Northwest tour of the year and their sweet new merch deal, their audience size tripled.

“I saw their merch table on the venue’s Instagram and immediately got in line,” said fan Andrew Popilon. “I haven’t heard their music — I’m more of a Lin-Manuel Miranda guy myself — but I know a good deal when I see one. I’ve been driving a ‘96 Accord for the past 24 years, and it runs as well as you’d expect. $5 for a ticket to this crappy venue, for a $10 vehicle inspection with a complimentary oil change? Of course I’m gonna come to the show.”

Dr. Slovenia Rook, professor of Merchandising Accessories for Rock and Roll at Carnegie Mellon University, noted that it’s all too common for an unconventional piece of merch to pique the most interest.

“You see it all the time, especially when musicians are used to making money from working… shall we say, real jobs,” Dr. Rook said. “It’s hard to transition from something so fruitful to the harrowing plight of the road. Many of these heavy metal rockers are just looking for comfort. So they turn to what they know: which most of the time, is something involving automotive mechanics, HVAC repair, or pizza making.”

At press time, the band was working a bikini car wash in the parking lot for gas money home.

Four Days of Crest White Strips to Undo Eight Years of Not Flossing

Posted on by Krissy Howard

MANCHESTER, N.H. — A small portion of a box of Crest White Strips is being tasked with undoing the damage that comes with eight years of not flossing, according to frustrated sources.

“My teeth have been looking a little dingy lately, and now that I’m ready to hop back out and get social I need my teeth to look like I haven’t just been eating Nutella and red wine since March of last year,” stated 38-year-old insured man who hasn’t been to a dentist since 2013, Ryan Klein. “These strips I found at my mom’s house are the 3D kind, and it says ‘professional white’ on the box, so you know this shit is legit. It’s basically like getting your teeth cleaned without the hassle of fucking with the parts no one can even see.”

One of the White Strips set to be used says they are up to the Herculean task, but still has reservations.

“Every so often some complete fuck up will manage to save $40 and bring a box of us home, expecting us to work some kind magic despite giving up on the treatment after just a few sessions,” said a White Strip cut for the bottom row of teeth. “I can’t go into someone’s mouth thinking I’m gonna do God’s work. I’m only designed to lay flat on the surface of the teeth, so those yellow stains from leftover food particles and built-on plaque in between the teeth is not my problem, it’s in our contract. Thank goodness for unions.”

Dental health professionals are reportedly pleading with adult human beings everywhere to resist replacing important steps in their hygiene practices with temporary vanity fixes.

“It’s bad enough when people lie about flossing even though we can clearly tell they only flossed the night and morning before their appointment. I can normally tell right away when someone is lying, because as soon as I shine my light into their mouth their gums start bleeding,” said dental hygienist Lucinda Burley. “But coming in for a checkup with the seven of your top teeth looking slightly less yellow than the rest of your disgusting mouth is just insulting. Why do we even do this work?”

At press time, millions of people were seen applying a single layer of sunblock to their faces to make up for a lifetime of ignoring advice to at least wear a hat when outside between 10 a.m. and 2 p.m.

We Interview the Demonic Hat That Took Control Of Slash and Made Him Play Guitar Against His Will

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

The Viper Club. “Slippery When Wet.” Drinking way too much shitty vodka in a pool. These are all potent symbols of the Sunset Strip, that famed West Hollywood gutter of excess, kickass guitar riffs and literally everyone wearing eyeshadow all of the time.

There is probably nothing and no one more iconic in the history of hard rock than the demonic top hat that took control of Slash sometime around 1984 and forced him to play high-intensity lead guitar in Guns N’ Roses for years against his will. And we were lucky enough to interview it!

The Hard Times: So how did you get involved with Guns N’ Roses initially?

Demon Hat: You have to remember that when I first emerged from the bowels of Hell, drawn to the cesspool ironically known as “Los Angeles,” it was the ‘80s. Things were a lot wilder, cocaine was basically legal, and demonic possession was a lot more acceptable. There wasn’t this pussy-ass “woke” culture that makes every time a hellbeast seizes the body of an innocent soul into a scandal.

So you were sort of naturally drawn to the music scene?

I spent a few months in the body that would come to be known as “Slash” just partying, but then I realized if I really wanted to get my brim some trim, I would need to hook up with a band, and unfortunately that also meant that asshole Axl [Rose].

Ah, still bad blood there?

I may be an accursed object possessing the body of an innocent man for nefarious purposes, but at least I didn’t write “One in a Million.”

It’s common knowledge that Slash is begging to be released from the infernal bondage of guitar badassery every moment he is on stage. Can you speak to that?

Look, that guy has never gotten with the program. When I met him, he didn’t wear sunglasses all the time. He didn’t own a single pair of leather pants. So, yeah, he didn’t want to play guitar, and certainly not to perform the awe-inspiring solos that I used his bloody fingers for every night on the legendary Use Your Illusion Tour. I mean, he didn’t even want to be called Slash. He wanted to be called “Saul,” for God’s sake.

But even with all his bitching, he was never as bad as fucking Axl. That motherfucker started a riot in Missouri, and over what? Security? Fucking amateur, man. I’m a demonic hat and even I have more professionalism than that.

Do you miss anything about those days?

To tell the truth, I don’t even remember a lot of those days. Lot of coke got snorted off the top of me, know what I mean? I don’t really miss it. A lot of people and hats get stuck in the past, but I really think the music that I’m using unearthly powers to channel through the body of that mortal instrument is the best I’ve ever come up with. If it weren’t for Axl, we’d be playing Slash’s Snakepit material nightly, but nooo, it’s gotta be the same setlist every time.

When we requested an interview, the bandanna that has controlled Axl Rose since 1983 could not be reached.

Tambourine Player Hopes to Take Next Step and Quit Music

Posted on by Laura McCarthy

SEATTLE — Local tambourine player Owen Albrecht of prog rock band BSMNT is hoping to follow in the footsteps of idols like Linda McCartney, Tracy Partridge, and whichever person from ABBA played tambourine, and quit music altogether, according to relieved sources.

“I’ve spent thousands of hours on the side of the stage jingling away on the tambourine. Sometimes shaking it. Other times I’d even go so far as clapping with it to the beat. I think I’m ready to take the next step,” Albrecht said of walking off the stage steps and out of the music scene forever. “Plus, it was starting to take a toll on me. Sometimes my wrist hurts so much I’d have to take an Extra Strength Tylenol or even two, and my body just can’t keep up at that rate. After all, I’m not 22 anymore. I’ve been 23 for several months. I know when it’s time to walk away.”

Bandmate and lead guitarist Janie Singh is excited for this new chapter in her colleague’s life after so many years of struggling to jam together.

“We’re sad, but we knew this day would come. It seems like a natural progression for him,” Singh said of Albrecht, who started out on rhythm guitar before transitioning to triangle and ultimately settling on tambourine, where his modest skill set seemed most suited. “We knew he was too superfluous to stick with a great band like us forever. That’s just how the industry works. No hard feelings.”

Legendary music agent Craig Bueller was happy to assist Albrecht in his lack of musical ambitions by dropping him from the band’s record label.

“I’ve been around long enough to spot a big no-talent when I see it,” Bueller, who famously helped expel Yoko Ono from the music industry, told reporters of Albrecht. “He brings so little to the table, even for a tambourine player! I’ve never seen anything like it — he can’t sing, he can’t write, he can’t play any other instrument, and the one he plays, he plays poorly. It’s phenomenal! He’s like, just some guy who answered a Craigslist ad six years ago.”

Building on the momentum of quitting music, Albrecht was last spotted quitting his romantic partnership in favor of “solo pursuits,” albeit not by choice.

Photo by Senny Mau. 

Review: Misfits “Collection II”

Posted on by Dan Rice

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we review the classic songs off of “Collection II” by legendary New Jersey horror punk, the Misfits.

Audiophiles and purists will tell you that most “best-of” compilations are cheap fodder unfit for “real fans,” but a small handful of them are not only acceptable in a serious record collection, they’re essential. The Misfit’s “Collection II” combines early singles and choice selections from the band’s first two albums to create one of the most iconic groupings of songs in early hardcore punk.

The Misfits stood out by combining angry punk sound with Elvis-era crooning and macabre theatrics, but it is their cinematic influence that truly sets them apart from other bands of their day. Today, we’re going to look at the movies that inspired some of the best songs on “Collection II” so that we might better understand them.

Author’s note: My Wi-fi cut out very early into the research process on this one, but as a lifelong Misfits and movie fan I was able to pull most of the pertinent information from memory. Apologies in advance if I got a date wrong or something!

THX 138
George Lucas isn’t the first name to come to mind when you think of the Misfits, but this classic song would never have existed without him. The creepy dystopian anthem about conformity and dehumanization was inspired by one of his earliest films, 1977’s “Star Wars.” That film’s use of futuristic technology and weaponry inspired Glenn Danzig to pen his own, much bleaker vision of where computers could one day take us.

Last Caress
While perhaps one of the catchiest melodies in the Misfits catalog, this song contains what are arguably their most graphic and offensive lyrics. Fans have long speculated over what could have inspired lines as angry as “I got something to say, I killed a baby today and it doesn’t matter much to me as long as it’s dead.” Look no further than the George Lucas cinema classic “Star Wars” from 1977. Danzig found Darth Vader to be so menacing, he found himself unable to sleep at night until he captured what he considered to be the essence of that character on paper.

Return Of The Fly
It doesn’t take a scholar of punk history to figure out what movie inspired this Misfits banger. The titular “Fly” is clearly a reference to all of the flying going on by spaceships in the George Lucas sci-fi classic, 1977’s “Star Wars.” Danzig goes so far as to sing “Return of the fly with Vincent Price,” clearly using the song as a platform for his long-held belief that Vincent Price should have been in “Star Wars,” possibly as The Emperor.

Horror Hotel
Some people falsely believe “Horror Hotel” to be inspired by an actual haunted hotel the band once stayed at. The name and lyrical theme were actually inspired by a viewing of the 1977 science fiction classic “Star Wars” by George Lucas. Reportedly when Danzig first saw that movie he was so taken aback by all of the bizarre creatures in the Mos Eisley scene that he exclaimed “Woah, it’s like some kind of horror hotel!”

Hate Breeders
You probably didn’t even know this one was inspired by a movie, but it was! Glenn Danzig has always been cinephile, and was a particularly huge fan of the 1977 sci-fi epic “Star Wars.” Like many fans of that film, Danzig was able to deduce the existence of midi-chlorians in its mythos, and decided that the only way Darth Vader could be as powerful with the force as he seemed to be was if he had actually been conceived by the midi-chlorians themselves. Since Darth Vader went on to become a symbol of hate, this essentially made the midi-chlorians “hate breeders.”

Score: 4.5/5 Lightsabers.

Need some Misfits merch in your life? We have some.

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