Opinion: When New Jack Swing Comes Back, You’ll All Be Sorry You Made Fun of My Overalls

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

That’s right, laugh. Laugh it up, all of you. Because things are gonna change, homeslices! And when New Jack Swing comes back around, you’ll all be sorry you made fun of my mad-fly, multi-colored overalls!

You know, it wasn’t always like this. There was a time when me and all my muscular, shirtless boys in overalls were riding high. We were kings. The sweet melodies and big beats of Teddy Riley carried us up to Heaven. The raw sensuality of Keith Sweat brought us back to Earth, and there we were, clad in bitchin’ overalls, often with matching denim baseball caps that appeared to have been splattered with paint, Jackson Pollock-style. That was our prerogative.

Now, people mock me for keeping the faith, continuing to wear my overalls everywhere. They’re buggin’ out when I wear them to work at my job as a CPA specializing in chill real estate. They say “as if” when I wear them to my godson’s first communion. Even the priest, that wack-ass Father Dominic, flipped his lid. And let me tell you, Diane really lit into me when I insisted on wearing them to see our marriage counselor.

You can say that helped contribute to my marriage ending, but these phat overalls don’t pay no alimony, check it.

Back in the day, sometimes I would mix it up with a giant neon double-breasted suit with a waist much lower than my actual waist. Sometimes it would be a buttoned-up dress shirt with a crazy, wild pattern of multi-colored geometric patterns. But the overalls were always home. They make me whole. They give me hope.

They’re all that, and a bag of chips.

And now you, you mock me. You’ve said I was stuck in the past, but history is cyclical and all things come back around. New Jack Swing will dominate the airwaves once more, and you’ll all look like idiots in your clothes without front pouches and in regular, non-blinding colors. You’ll see. You’ll all see. And you’ll be sorry that you can’t hang with my dope posse that always believed!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have several surfaces I need to sensually grind against.

Descendents Visit Old Practice Space at 9th & Walnut Which is Now a Jamba Juice

Posted on by Goodrich Gevaart

MANHATTAN BEACH, Calif. — Members of legendary punk band Descendents returned to the site of their original practice space, 9th and Walnut, to find the building was demolished and replaced by a Jamba Juice, multiple sources confirmed.

“It’s a shame, man. Me, Frank and Tony wrote some amazing songs in that garage, including some no one will ever hear like ‘Redondo Smells Like Wet Farts’ or ‘I Got Diarrhea in Hermosa,’” said founding drummer Bill Stevenson. “Now it’s just a corporate smoothie place. I tried to tell one of the kids in there that my band used to play here, and she seemed to get a little freaked out and went and got her manager. I ended up getting a free Razzmatazz, but I would have preferred a coffee.”

The band visited the location with a camera crew and old friend and Epitaph label founder Brett Gurewitz.

“We had planned on shooting a music video for ‘Baby Doncha Know,’ but apparently Jamba Juice has some sort of corporate restrictions with filming on their property. We can’t afford a lawsuit so we snapped a couple of photos by the sidewalk,” said Gurewitz. “We had to get out of there a little early because Milo was getting pretty worked up over the fact that Jamba Juice claims to be healthy. He took one look at the nutritional info on their website and started going off about what sugar does to a person on a molecular level.”

Descendents are not the only band with a historical punk location that has been turned into a corporate retail space.

“It’s always happening,” said photographer Mikael Shannanoff whose recent photo book “Rebellion to Retail: Iconic Punk Locales Turned Corporate Outposts” catalogued these kinds of changes. “The alley where the Ramones stood on the cover of their first LP? That’s a Soul Cycle now. The alley where The Dead Boys stood for ‘Young, Loud and Snotty’? Also a Soul Cycle. Truthfully, most of New York is now a Soul Cycle.”

At press time, Descendents and Gurewitz were heading off to visit the dorm where Milo stayed at UC San Diego which is now a college bar called Drink, Drink, Puke, Repeat.

Pick up the new Descendents album “9th and Walnut” TODAY. Click here.

5 “Pulp Fiction” Easter Eggs That Will Make You Say “Wow, This Blind Date Is Not Going Well!”

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

“Pulp Fiction” was Quentin Tarantino’s commercial breakthrough, and one of the defining films of the 1990s. While everyone knows iconic scenes like Uma Thurman and John Travolta’s dance at Jack Rabbit Slim’s, you’d have to be a real cinephile to know these easter eggs, and if you don’t, it’s safe to say that this blind date is not going well!

Easter Egg #1: Big Kahuna Burgers – This “tasty burger” chain pops up in multiple Tarantino films, much like his fondness for Red Apple cigarettes and the Big Jerry Cab Co! Based on how delicious those burgers looked in the scene where Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson threatened Frank Whaley, it’s probably a much better place than this off-brand Dairy Queen that I was fool enough to bring a date to, even though she told me she was a vegetarian! God, I’m an idiot.

Easter Egg #2: Ezekiel 25:17 – Biblical scholars could tell you that Samuel L. Jackson’s iconic scripture quote is not accurate to the text! It’s a lot like how I panicked over the phone and told my date I was 28, not 38 like I actually am. She must know. Why am I making a fool of myself this way? She looks so bored.

Easter Egg #3: The $5 Shake – Steve Buscemi’s waiter character asks Uma Thurman if she wants a vanilla shake or chocolate by referring to two comedic duos from racially segregated times, and now you’ve really done it. Never bring up racial issues on a first date. Now you wish she looked bored, instead of staring at you like the dumb piece of trash you are. God, I hate myself.

Easter Egg #4: Fruit Brute – Always the pop culture collector, Tarantino snuck a box of defunct novelty breakfast cereal into Eric Stoltz’s scenes! Oh God, did I really just ask her what she likes for breakfast? It sounds like a cheesy pickup line! Now she thinks I’m some kind of slimeball who expects to get laid after buying a girl some soggy fries!

Easter Egg #5: Feet – Okay, there’s nothing wrong with people having a thing for feet and no one should be kink-shamed for a harmless little thing like that. But she’s definitely noticed how often I’ve accidentally stared at her sandals, her gorgeous red-painted toenails and yep, she’s definitely holding a can of mace under the table.

Oh, well. Maybe she’ll give me a second chance if I hint at how many “Django Unchained” stories I know.

Cool New Factory Opens in Renovated Nightclub

Posted on by Eli Johnson

SCHAUMBURG, Ill. — The local manufacturing scene is buzzing after an exclusive new factory opened in a redeveloped nightclub on the edges of the city’s Dance District, blue-collar sources reported.

“This is going to be the hottest factory in town,” said owner Marco Bresci. “I mean, really hot. We’re going to be welding into the early hours of the morning, baby. We already have people lined up down the block waiting to get in to apply for a job. This place is going to offer competitive rates, depending on experience, a sick PTO package, and double time pay on Sundays. If you don’t have a passion for manual labor, then go try finding an office job downtown.”

The chic manufacturing plant, dubbed Schaumburg Injection Molding, is retrofitting the former Kism3t nightclub and breathing new life into the neighborhood, though not everybody is happy about the glitzy new facility.

“My father did the hustle at that place for years, and his father before him would do the Lindy Hop until the sun came up,” said Brandon Carmichael. “My old man used to come home late, sweaty, exhausted, and strung out on so many club drugs that my mother would have to stuff a wallet in his mouth so he didn’t swallow his tongue. But by God if he didn’t sell enough blow to put me and my siblings through college. Knowing some industrialist gutted it to make room for a bunch of big shot injection molders makes me sick.”

Manufacturing has found fertile ground in America’s abandoned venues, which offer large spaces and high ceilings well-suited for industrial use, a trend that is advancing rapidly due to COVID-19 and foreign competition.

“We’re competing on a global scale and losing,” said an unemployed promoter who identified himself as Ricky Fabulous. “Clubs in Asia can offer covers that are half of what we charge here, and the Europeans have always been more protectionist around their venues. People would rather jet over to Berlin or Macau than source domestic dance nights. I get that folks are excited for these new living-wage jobs that don’t require a college degree, but let’s not forget about all the DJs that are now out of work.”

Following news of the newly opened factory, Bruce Springsteen is reportedly writing a haunting ballad about a small Midwestern town that loses its only club, rumored to be inspired by the Kism3t closing.

We Tried Microdosing LSD but It Turns Out 1/4 Cup Is Actually Quite a Lot

Posted on by Dan Rice

It has long been rumored that microdosing is the secret behind the success of billionaires like Steve Jobs, Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos. After Bezos successfully launched himself into space without blowing up (which would have been fucking dope!) I decided to try microdosing first hand to see if it gave me a creative edge and, well, I maybe should have done more research.

I’ve been straight edge most of my life. I’m not a hippie, how was I supposed to know that ¼ cup of acid was a lot? People need to drink like five beers to get drunk, so I figured a dose of LSD was like five bottles. I thought I was playing it safe but it turns out I consumed somewhere between 600 and 1,200 big-boy doses of “the good shit” and half a grapefruit for breakfast.

All I knew about tripping was what you see on TV, so part of me was afraid that I would get outside and everything would be on fire or something. To my surprise everything was on fire, but it really didn’t bother me. I found it mildly amusing, and all of the people on fire didn’t seem to mind, so why make a big deal out of it?

By the time I did reach the office I was recognized as an emperor-god by most of the known universe, but I decided to keep that to myself. No need to freak anybody out.

I sat at my desk and felt an immediate surge of innovation. The first thing I did was throw away my computer. The human brain is the most advanced quantum computer in the universe, so why downgrade? Next I had to connect my brain to the internet, which is actually a lot harder than it sounds. After a lot of trial and error stabbing myself with various wires, I was finally online. I could tell it worked because when I closed my eyes there were a bunch of weird lights I could sort of control with my thoughts. It truly is amazing what computers can do.

I hit a snag when I grabbed my stapler and realized that I had completely forgotten how to eat a stapler. Embarrassed, I decided to hide the stapler by throwing it as hard as I could. Unfortunately, Tom left his head in the way and the stapler hit it. Tom went on and on about how that was his head and bitching that it was all bloody now and just would not calm the fuck down, even after I told him he could eat my stapler.

It’s amazing what a mere 1,200 hits of LSD can do to your perception. For the first time, I realized that I was in a hostile work environment.

I knew the first step toward fixing my hostile work environment was to inform management of my discovery. At first I thought I would tell them, but then I remembered how often words fail. Action is the universal language.

I wanted to make sure my actions were understood properly, so I removed my shirt and wrote the word “HOSTILE” across my chest. As I shaved my hair in the bathroom mirror I noticed that a lot of my internet wounds were still bleeding. Perfect. Now that my look was complete I grabbed a mop handle and sprang to work.

At first when I started jumping on people’s desks and smashing their belongings with a mop handle they looked at me like I was crazy. But as I repeatedly screamed “I am the alpha-monkey!” they began to understand I was making a comment about workplace hostility. Once they became aware of this, they ran out of the building as fast as they could, terrified. I was happy to see they were all taking workplace hostility as seriously as I was!

Long story short, my first day of microdosing was a complete success. I can’t wait to see what innovations I come up with over the next four weeks!

Overconfident 38-Year-Old Expected to Make Full Recovery After Standing at Front of Hardcore Show

Posted on by Bobby Korec

SEATTLE — Overambitious elder millennial Janine Angler was released from the hospital yesterday and is expected to make a full recovery after standing at the very front of a recent hardcore show at the El Corazon venue, witnesses who had warned her of the potential repercussions beforehand confirmed.

“And to think I almost stood in the back, but didn’t want to look like an idiot,” said Angler before choosing on her own to eat a spoonful of Kasha. “I mean, in my eyes I’m just as youthful as ever if you don’t count the chronic back pain, sensitive digestive system, and an inability to stay up past 10 p.m. anymore. No one tells you when you’re younger that at some point your body just can’t handle violent social rituals like it used to. I guess I’ll just have to continue to learn through trial and error, and denial, and then more error.”

Doctors commented on Angler’s condition.

“Several of the wounds Ms. Angler sustained actually seemed to happen all on their own and she even blacked out from the stress at some point,” said Dr. Julia Weingartner. “We’ve seen this sort of thing before in people her age, where the body just kind of gives out at events they used to treasure. We can’t really explain this phenomenon either. All I know is that she’s got some work cut out for her to get back to full strength, but even a full recovery won’t take away the fact that she’s not 22 years old anymore. Or even 32, for that matter.”

Experts noted the signs and symptoms that aging millennials need to watch out for when planning to attend shows.

“A large majority of people who are in their mid-to-late 30s don’t think aging is going to affect them,” said health expert Carrie Krimpshen. “Then one day you see a gray hair here and a wrinkle there, and all the sudden you start finding yourself driving across town to go to the nice Albertson’s. That’s when you know it’s time to phone it in and just ride out the rest of your days in the very back of shows checking your phone to figure how much longer you have until you can go home. It comes for us all.”

At press time, Angler had indeed made a full recovery, but reinjured herself after attempting to pull a double ollie, which is something she evidently couldn’t even do when she was younger.

Review: Descendents “9th and Walnut”

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

“9th and Walnut” is a new 18-track collection featuring Descendents earliest material written from 1977 through 1980. The album includes Descendents’ debut tracks “Ride the Wild” & ”It’s a Hectic World” (heard here for the first time with vocals by Milo), and the Dave Clark Five’s “Glad All Over” with the full Descendents treatment.

There is always a risk when bands decide to rerecord old material. Will it still hold up? Have they progressed past their early style? Will their older siblings embarrass them by showing all his friends the songs they recorded alone in their bedroom on a VHS tape labeled “private, do not watch?”

I can tell you this, “9th and Walnut” is a solid album front to back, and these songs are just as relevant today. Unfortunately for me, I can’t unrecord myself singing pitch-perfect a cappella renditions of “Weird Al” songs in a dimly lit room using the family RCA camcorder. And I certainly can’t erase the memory of my brother and his friends playing the tape and laughing so hard that they all threw up. Then the dog came in and started eating some of the puke, but everyone was still laughing and couldn’t stop the dog from slurping down buckets of Mountain Dew colored puke. You know what happened next; the dog started ralphing all over the place because it had eaten too much barf. Our basement still smells a little sour to this day.

I’m sure nobody is laughing at these Descendents songs, if anything they are already singing along. I wish I were so lucky. The dog spewing wasn’t the end of the story. My dad heard the commotion from upstairs and decided to investigate. When he saw puke all over the newly finished basement floor he blew a fucking gasket. He ran downstairs, as red as a sunburnt tomato, and immediately slipped on a particularly viscous puddle of throw up and he hit the ground so hard that he broke his wrist. I’ve only seen my dad cry on two occasions. One was at his mother’s funeral, the other was when he broke his wrist. We knew it was bad right away, the bone was sticking out and he kept saying “my boss is going to fire me, we are going to lose the house” over and over through the tears.

My dad’s wrist eventually healed. But the mental wounds from being the laughing stock of my town remain. Since that day I haven’t sang. Not even in the shower. But I want you to sing all these Descendents songs. Sing them loud, just don’t record yourself and don’t let my brother find the tape.

Score: 9.8/10 (it would be 10/10, but the song title “You Make Me Sick” is exactly what my mom said to me when she saw the tape of me singing and it still hurts.

Pick up your copy of “9th and Walnut” on 07/23, click here.

 

Newly Discovered Cave Paintings Show Early Humans Were into Some Real Kinky Shit

Posted on by Constantine Platanias

AVIGNON, FRANCE — A team of archeologists announced Monday the discovery of an array of prehistoric cave paintings in southern France, which they claim provide definitive proof that early humans were into some truly nasty shit.

“The sheer depravity of these paintings forces us to reassess everything we thought we knew about how horny our Stone Age ancestors were,” said lead researcher Olivia Chen. “Whereas it was once believed that early humans were no more perverted than the average primate, we now have evidence showing that the very first tools they used were, in fact, buttplugs, and that edging was heavily practiced among nearly everyone.”

While many sexologists have argued the kinkiest era in human history either took place during the Roman Empire or the 1970s, the discovery of these paintings cast doubt on the veracity of these claims.

“We must seriously consider the possibility that ancient humans reached the pinnacle of sexual depravity thousands of years before your grandparents did LSD while naked and covered in mud at Woodstock,” said Portland-based sexologist Amelia Poole. “It’s depressing to realize that we will never be as sexually free as this group of cave dwellers who evidently threw raucous orgies inside of wooly mammoth carcasses, which, speaking of it, may have been the first ever sex hotel in recorded history.”

The findings also shed light on how early humans interacted with one of their closest relatives: Neanderthals.

“It’s long been established that homo sapiens bred with Neanderthals, but until now we never knew just how freaky things got,” said Paul Booker, head of the Department of Anthropology at Stanford University. “It’s possible that Neanderthals went extinct in part due to the frequent interspecies bukkakes depicted on these walls, as a result of breath play gone seriously wrong, or simply due to an overabundance of fake doms just ruining shit for everyone.”

At press time, Pornhub had released a new category featuring depictions of the artworks, labeled “Hardcore Ancient.”

New Dating App for Asians Seeking Asians Is 99% White Guys

Posted on by Ian Yamamoto

SAN FRANCISCO — A specialty dating app created for connecting East Asian people seeking the same is reportedly being used exclusively by white dudes, according to sources.

“I love how small and cute they are, but also sexy at the same time,” said software developer and single white dude, Bobby Perlin. “Don’t get me wrong though, I’m not superficial. What I really want in a girlfriend is a good personality. I like girls who I’ve heard are quiet, shy, eager to please, 100% faithful, and who love to cook and clean, but are also kind of feisty, if you know what I mean. That just happens to be my preference, I can’t help that. Love is love.”

“Honestly though, I’m doing these girls a favor by signing up for this app, right? If it wasn’t for me, they’d just be swiping left on Asian guys. I’m pretty average looking, but I’m taller and better looking than any Asian man, so this should be a sweep,” he added.

The software team behind the app were astounded by the numbers.

“We’ve been making niche dating apps for over 10 years now and this is by far our most successful. We have over 20 million users, all white men, ages 18 to 49. This is the most valuable demographic in North America and it’s extremely challenging to capture their undivided attention, but we’ve succeeded with the allure of Asian women,” said software developer Dan Fisher. “Unfortunately, not a single Asian woman has signed up for this app yet. We can’t quite put our finger on why that is, but we hope to work it out soon.”

A young Korean-American woman who preferred to remain anonymous reported not needing to download the app to find hordes of white men who feel entitled to her attention.

“Dating as an Asian woman is awful. White dudes act so cocky when they talk to me. First, they try to guess my ethnicity and expect me to act impressed if they get it. Then they tell me how much they love Sailor Moon and how Sailor Mars is the hottest Sailor Scout, as if that isn’t obvious,” she said. “After that it’s a predictable turn toward the trip to Thailand they took with eight of their guy friends before they finally buy me a taro bubble tea. I do like taro bubble tea, but fuck off with the rest of that shit.”

At press time, the app reported zero white women having signed up.

Sustainability King? This 32-Year-Old Still Uses a Spider-Man Beach Towel as His Only Towel

Posted on by Heather Cook

Did we just discover the next Greta Thunberg? This 32-year-old environmental conservation warrior is keeping his carbon footprint small by using the same Spider-Man beach towel since he was sixteen years old! What was once a mindless birthday gift from his aunt in high school is now the metaphorical rock upon which our sustainability king victoriously stands. It’s also the literal towel that he’s used to dry off since the Bush administration. It doesn’t matter how stretched and thin it’s become over the years; our hero, Bruce Walden, refuses to get a new one.

Look at that thing! It’s tattered, smells like it’s never been washed, and it has a very suspicious brown stain on Spider-Man’s head. Nevertheless, our planet’s need for a savior calls out to Bruce and he heeds that call. That towel isn’t going anywhere. Although that thing looks like it could give him black mold poisoning, Bruce refuses to purchase a set of towels like a real adult, no matter how much his friends and family plead. They simply do not care enough about the future of our planet. Thank you Bruce for your heroic contribution to our failing ecosystem!

Sure, there are a few negative consequences to our radical rebel’s mindful decision. For starters, it’s super hard for him to maintain a relationship after they notice that the Spider-Man towel is not just the only bath towel in the house, but the only towel. He also uses it as his only dish towel, hand towel, and occasionally to wipe his ass in dire circumstances. Unfortunately, it means showering is not an option for his guests unless they actually like the feeling of a towel that somehow manages to be both crusty and damp.

The Spider-Man towel isn’t the only way our eco-activist champion is cutting back. Did you know that the button-up he wore to his high school prom is still the only dress shirt he owns? And he’s still using the same twin bed his mom bought him senior year of college. In an age where mountainous landfills are overflowing with wasted Amazon boxes, we marvel at how Bruce resists the pressures of consumerism.

Thank you, Bruce. Thank you for being the conservation warrior society needs right now. Sure, that thing reeks like a dead animal, but you refuse to waste money on something you already own. And hey, once that towel finally rips in half, then you’ll have two towels, and we can finally shower at your place.