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Juggalo Only Listens to Medical Advice from Doctor Dick Hatchet Da Slaya

THORNVILLE, Ohio — Local Juggalo Andreas “Wicked Kush” Fleming is ignoring all CDC recommendations while attending this year’s Gathering of the Juggalos and choosing to only take medical advice from leading Killer Klown physician Doctor Dick Hatchet Da Slaya.

“The government is mad fucked, yo. You got a bunch of rich dudes that went to college for a few years trying to shank my nugbone with some poison, but I ain’t down for that shit,” said Fleming while sharing a hookah. “Juggalos live by their own set of rules, and that includes our mothafuckin’ wellness. Doctor Dick Hatchet Da Slaya PH mothafuckin’ D — the D stands for ‘Big ass dick’ — says that true Juggalos and Juggalettes don’t have to worry about a damn thing because the Great Malenko will protect us until we get to Shangri-La.”

Doctor Dick Hatchet Da Slaya has been treating members of the Juggalo community for years, despite not having any formal education or training in the field.

“There hasn’t been a single bitch-ass case of COVID at the Gathering because Juggalos are pumped full of of antibodies thanks to the corn sizzurp in these ice cold bottles of Faygo, bitch,” said Da Slaya from a first aid tent filled with cannabis smoke. “I’ve studied the bodies of thousands of Juggalettes, if you know what I’m saying, so I know how anatomy works. Everyone just needs to make sure they are high as mothafuckin’ fuck at all times, and that they show love to all the Juggalo family, and we will get through this bullshit. Whoop whoop, killas.”

Members of the Ohio medical community admitted they are worried that Doctor Dick Hatchet Da Slaya’s guidance may lead to terrible consequences.

“We have already had a few of these ‘Juggalos’ come to the emergency room, but they refused to be treated unless we played ‘Twiztid’ on full blast. It was awful having to work with that noise, but it was the only way the patients would listen to us,” said Dr. Andrea Howell. “They are an interesting bunch. I treated one young man for a respiratory issue and noticed that his nipple piercing was severely infected. When I pointed out that he needs to take better care of himself, he pulled out a mini hatchet and told me to ‘shut my fucking face hole.’ I informed him that was not medically advisable.”

At press time, Doctor Dick Hatchet Da Slaya is topping the short list of candidates for Surgeon General of Florida.