93% of Mixing Session Spent Reinstalling Pro Tools

Posted on by John Danek

MECHANICSBURG, Pa. — Aspiring music producer Tommy Kent spent the overwhelming majority of his most recent mix session uninstalling and reinstalling Pro Tools, cackling family members reported.

“I’m charging this orgcore punk band Plush Armory $35 per hour on this mix, but Pro Tools is such shitty software that they’re really just paying me for updates and PC maintenance,” admitted Kent, who spent nearly two hours debugging a cryptic fatal error on various web forums. “I highly doubt George Martin spent half a day restarting those huge Abbey Road mixing consoles. But I don’t feel bad because it’s not like I’m sitting here playing Rocket League all day, Pro Tools has fucked my computer so hard that it won’t run games anymore. Once I get it up and running again, I’ll just slap some quick EQ and compression on and we’re good to go.”

The members of Plush Armory were surprisingly understanding of their producer’s seemingly endless technical setbacks.

“A producer’s craft is their own; who are we to question it? I don’t care if Tommy spends the majority of our sessions milking cougars, no one makes a crunchier rhythm guitar tone,” stated Plush Armory singer and guitarist Dax Jacobs, who self-produced the band’s previous EP to lackluster results. “It’s like how cavemen used to spend hours making hatchets, and using them for mere seconds to kill their prey. But in this case, the length of preparation is entirely unnecessary and not beneficial, and I have to pay for it. It’s all part of the process.”

A representative from Avid, the makers of Pro Tools, offered some advice for producers new to their platform.

“Sure, it’d be nice to spend most of your time getting the bass guitar and kick drum to sound distinct instead of fiddling with software updates and errors. But think of it like this… hmm, yeah that would be nice, actually. I have nothing to offer up as a consolation,” said Irene Kors, vice president of sales at Avid. “Just keep in mind that you should never open Pro Tools at the moment inspiration strikes, because you’ll be immediately distracted by error messages, crashes, and computer slowdown. Record your ideas somewhere else first, then open Pro Tools and prepare for a few hours of difficult PC troubleshooting like you’re an IT administrator in the 1980’s minus the cool hair.”

As of press time, Kent has continued to attempt reinstalling Pro Tools while simultaneously browsing applications for various Central Pennsylvania business schools.

Newly Vaccinated Woman Steps Outside to Take in Smell of Every Single Fuckin Candle in This TJ Maxx

Posted on by Krissy Howard

WILMINGTON, Del. — Newly vaccinated woman Denise Adame took advantage of her inoculated status late yesterday afternoon to step outside and take in the fresh, sweet smell of every scented candle in her local TJ Maxx store.

“It was a long, hard year, and most of it was spent cooped up inside my apartment with my three roommates. It took a while, but I finally got both of my shots, waited the two-week window, and I’m fucking back, baby!” Adame said while moving a curiously placed bottle of shallot-infused olive oil out of her way. “I’m so relieved to finally be able to get back to what I’ve been missing the most: spending anywhere from 10 to 35 minutes reading labels, popping caps off, and taking in big whiffs of some moderately-priced Clean Linen, Pineapple Dream or Bamboo Water Mist soy-blend candles.”

Fellow shoppers empathized with Adame’s post-lockdown priorities.

“After what we all just went through, I think everyone’s entitled to a little ‘me’ time in the great outdoors section of their local discount retailer,” explained local software engineer Carly Meehan. “As for me, the first thing I did when that Moderna shot kicked in was to feel the warm breeze of an Xlerator hand dryer in an Old Country Buffet bathroom. You really can’t know what you love until it’s taken away from you.”

Retail workers around the world reported being elated by the sight of hundreds of potential customers a day coming into their places of business and touching every single thing with their hands again.

“As a deemed essential worker, I’ve been able to come out into the world and cautiously avoid everyone this whole time, so I’m really happy to see so many people getting back to just dicking around in stores and moving stuff around so I can put it back. It’s why I wake up in the mornings,” stated Ryan Weems, a TJ Maxx employee only two hours away from his shift being over. “Not literally, I wake up every morning to catch the bus and the transfer I need to make it here on time, but still, seeing those happy faces that don’t acknowledge me as a person unless they need the bathroom key? Priceless.”

At press time, Adame had moved on from the candle section and was last seen in the reversible sequins pillows aisle.

Beginner Survivalist Forgets if It’s Piss or Shit That’s Sterile

Posted on by Ian Yamamoto

ASTORIA, Ore. — Beginner survivalist Ethan Foster quickly forgot which of the two bodily wastes was sterile, piss or shit, while traversing his first expedition, according to sources who wonder if he’s being serious right now.

“I know one of these is safe to consume, but which?” said Foster, staring at two glass jars filled with human waste. “I think I’d rather drink my piss, because eating my shit sounds bad. But I don’t want to drink my piss, either. I really can’t believe it, but I’m drawing a total blank right now, and frankly, I feel more than a little embarrassed, and also terrified for my life.”

Experienced survivalist Ari Randolph expressed doubts about this generation of “wannabe Survivormen.”

“This comes up much too often, and it’s the first thing they teach you in survivor school. ‘Pee goes in me, poo goes out you.’ You never eat shit. Unless it’s watery and you’re in some kind of desert situation. Then you can strain the water out of your diarrhea using some kind of fabric and dribble the liquid into your mouth,” said Randolph with a grimace. “And for the love of god, don’t just mix the two together. Newer survivalists often just combine the two in a panic, figuring one will cancel out the other. Do not make a shit stew.”

Dietician James Nakamura said nutrition education in North America is abysmal.

“You wouldn’t believe the questions I get,” said Nakamura. “People are alarmingly concerned about how much piss they should drink and when, despite the fact that I’ve never met a single person who has actually needed to do so. And don’t get me started on the questions about feces. If you’re in a position where you’re considering eating your own shit, someone more responsible than you has probably been stuffing a bag of peanuts and a Gatorade in your backpack before you left the house for years now, so just take a minute and weigh your options before you do anything.”

At press time, Foster was seen at a nearby beach debating whether to urinate or defecate on a jellyfish sting.

My Journey: How Masturbating Helped Me Feel Less Horny By Myself

Posted on by Peter Woods

The journey I took to finally feeling happy when I’m completely alone started with a simple problem: whenever I was alone, I felt really horny and couldn’t do anything about it. And I was alone a lot.

Eventually, I decided that I needed to fix my horniness once and for all. I tried everything: exercised regularly, went keto, asked a seemingly confused doctor how to fix the problem. I even wrote down my thoughts obsessively in a journal every day and read it over and over again.

Surprisingly, none of that worked.

But then I stumbled on the solution. I was walking past a fire station and saw a bunch of firefighters sliding down the pole. It was the eureka moment I needed! I immediately ran home and bought a fire pole for my house, but I was still hornt after sliding down it 20 or 30 times. But then I thought, “Why don’t I just try doing the pole thing on my hog?”

You’ll never believe this: it worked! I did the fire pole thing to my penis with my hand (which a quick google search tells me is called “masturbating” in medical circles) and then I was less horny!

A feeling of empowerment washed over me immediately. I was no longer a prisoner to my own horniness, thanks to masturbation.

For the first time since I was probably 12, I feel like I can live my full life. I can go to the grocery store and I don’t have to avoid eye contact with the cantaloupes and cucumbers. I’m not afraid to visit the Georgia O’Keefe gallery at the art museum. Trains entering tunnels no longer give me panic attacks.

Hell, I actually watched the original Space Jam for the first time in years (I remember it being better, tbh).

So if you feel horny while alone, I can’t suggest “masturbating” highly enough. And if you don’t have a penis, you can buy a fake one at the store. I don’t know if stroking that will have the same effect, but it’s worth a shot!

Bassist Leaves Own Set Early to Beat the Crowds

Posted on by Bobby Korec

PATCHOGUE, N.Y. — Bass player Gwendolyn Armstead of local punk band Jazz Hand Jobs left her own set at the 89 North venue early in an attempt to beat the crowds and avoid any potential gridlock, sources who hadn’t even noticed she was gone until the very end confirmed.

“I don’t see what the big deal is. All I did was abandon a live audience, my band, and all of my gear mid-song for my own benefit,” said Armstead before calling the venue to check if she left her debit card at the bar. “Sure, there weren’t even that many people at our show, but a few of them started leaving during our set for some inexplicable reason. That’s when I saw the writing on the wall and took matters into my own hands by beating them out of the venue in order to make it home in time to lay motionless on my couch while staring intently at my phone until I just kind of passed out. Mission accomplished.”

Bandmates were disappointed after they eventually became aware of what had occurred.

“I think it took about three or four songs to fully realize there was no one actually playing bass,” said guitarist for the group Robert Ivory. “Regardless, she’s an important piece of this band who put convenience before live art. I can’t think of a worse time to pull such a selfish move. Also, I kind of wish I’d thought of that first. I mean, I had to sit through several minutes of traffic after the show as a result, and that was after my 20-minute wait to pee in the venue bathroom before I left, which was demolished. It was unbearable.”

Experts weighed in on the phenomenon.

“The older we get, the more we value our inconvenience-free time,” said psychologist Chastity Burns. “Whether it’s shows, sporting events, or gender reveal parties, everyone wants out long before the event has officially completed in order to rush out to do something not nearly as memorable. Unfortunately, this takes you out of the moment, because the entire time you’re at an event you’re thinking about everything you have to do in order to get out of there, which can be overwhelming. It’s all part of the human desire to avoid suffering and even the slightest inconvenience.”

At press time, Armstead insisted that the band’s next gig be on a Tuesday when the chances for a large crowd would be minimal to non-existent.

Years Of Self-Love And Therapy Undone By Momentary Glance In Mirror At 3 A.M.

Posted on by Josh Klasco

PHILADELPHIA — Shiko Dikaoni fell to pieces after glimpsing their reflection in the mirror in the middle of the night when getting up to pee despite years of positive affirmations and putting in the work, sources who can totally sympathize reported.

“I really thought I was past this,” lamented Dikaoni while exploring whether happiness is at the bottom of a pint of Cherry Garcia. “I’ve been seeing a therapist, working out, and exclusively listening to Lizzo. Then I catch my reflection in the mirror and it’s like, ‘I’ll always be a failure because I’m too much of a coward to follow my stupid dreams which are dumb anyway.’ Now it’s all I can do to muster the courage to lay on the cool tiles in front of the fridge on the kitchen floor until it’s time to go to bed.”

Dikaoni’s partner, Tom Echbo, said he has a practical solution to Dikaoni’s reflection-based anxiety.

“Shiko’s just, like, in it now, ya know?” empathized Echbo while sipping mint tea on his meditation cushion under a weighted blanket and listening to Ahmad Jamal. “Once I saw my reflection in a pond, and spent three days deep in the abyss of ‘I didn’t ask to be born. Who thought they were doing me a favor by thrusting me into an existence where there’s so much credit card debt?’ But I’m proud to say that, thanks to a steady stream of Shel Silverstein and muscle relaxers, I can keep it together for hours at a time, as long as I don’t need to shave or brush my teeth!”

Clinical psychologist Dr. Erkan Helfzich was skeptical about the efficacy of such anxiety treatments.

“There’s no evidence that any sentient being can stand more than a few seconds of looking into their own eyes,” lectured Dr. Helfzich to a reporter who was hoping for better news. “Preliminary results of a promising study from Oxford show that bonobos can withstand up to 36 seconds of their own reflection if scientists stimulate the part of the brain associated with bowling a 300 while administering a heavy dose of MDMA. But I remind you, this is just a preliminary study. For now, my professional opinion is that the best thing anyone can do for their mental health is to smash all of their mirrors in the bottom of the Grand Canyon.”

When asked for further comment, Dikaoni reported feeling much better following mouthfuls of vodka and sesame chicken, but then burst into tears upon hearing “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” in a car commercial.

School Of Hard Knocks Graduates Yet Another Class Of Racist Uncles

Posted on by Ryan Danley

DALLAS — Legendary ass-kicking institution The School Of Hard Knocks celebrated yet another graduating class of macho, non-PC, bootstrap puller-uppers this past weekend, multiple sources clad in Punisher shirts confirmed.

“When our students first enroll, they have barely been knocked around. But our exclusive ‘Get Your Ass Up’ program gets them knocked hard in no time. It’s amazing to see that inner glow sucked right out and replaced with a toxic disdain for the nanny state,” said Dean Of Students Rick “Dean of Mean” Banger. “This has been a tough year. We had some unrest around police excessive force and almost lost a couple students who thought the cops were out of line. But we were able to remind them that if you didn’t want to be killed in the street, maybe you shouldn’t be involved in a misdemeanor. That’s the kind of magic we do.”

Recent graduate Chet Ratkin said he feels there’s something for everyone at the school.

“You don’t realize what you’ve been missing from your life until you put ‘School Of Hard Knocks’ into your Facebook profile. An entire world opens up to you. I never had the courage to yell at a Buffalo Wild Wings waitress in front of an entire birthday party, but now I do it every single time. It feels so liberating,” said Ratkin while buying new tires for his classic Ford Mustang. “My Democrat niece is going to some fancy art school to study how to be a communist or something. I have an entire speech about freeloading, job-stealing immigrants that I wrote during my senior year that I’m going to hit her with on Thanksgiving, right after she’s done talking about how we are living on stolen land.”

Social media platform Parler’s analytic department claims there is widespread support for the school, but Dr. Lisa Stanfield of the College Accreditation Association isn’t sold.

“Every year they come to us looking for accreditation. They usually bring their class roster written on the back of a bar napkin. And I’m all for alternative education, but when your schedule consists of classes like Dodging Child Support and Social Media Intimidation, it’s hard for us to sign off,” said Stanfield. “I mean, they don’t even have a real location. They just meet at the high school football field to complain about kids today and participation trophies. The head professor is currently under house arrest for stalking his ex-wife. It’s all a giant mess.”

Ratkin was unavailable for further comment, as he was busy setting up the latest Joe Rogan program as his Valedictorian speech.

We Swapped All the Malört at This Bar With Piss-Flavored Gasoline and No One Said Anything

Posted on by Taylor Roebuck

Have you ever wanted to drink licorice-flavored varnish? Or perhaps floor cleaner garnished with dirt and earthworms? If so, you’re in luck, you little weirdo, because the abominable Malört exists. Malört is a divisive drink made out of citrus and shoe polish that you’ll likely find behind most bars in Chicago. You’ll probably recognize it as the one that tastes like earwax and makes grown adults cry.

We can’t figure out why it exists, but our best guess is that it’s either a masochism fetish thing, or it’s proof of the literal fucking devil. We may never know, but it did give us an idea. We swapped all of the Malört at a bar with piss-flavored gasoline to see if anyone said anything.

To our surprise, it took a bit longer than we thought to test it out. Local bar patrons don’t really seem to order the drink that much.

“It’s kinda like the deep dish pizza in that it’s mostly for people who don’t actually live here,” longtime Chicago resident Adam Boyce said. “You’ll probably hear some people say that it’s an acquired taste and it’s not that bad. A friend of mine insisted that he actually likes the stuff. But that’s just something we say to fuck with people who moved here from Indiana.”

After about 45 minutes of waiting, a patron in a Shedd Aquarium shirt asked the bartender for a shot of Malört.

“I wanted to experience Chicago like a true local. My buds and I went to the big shiny Bean, ate a deep dish, and after this we’re going to the Medieval Times in Schaumburg,” tourist Andy Jones said between dry heaves. “It’s my first time visiting, so I’ve never had Malört before. I gotta say, it exactly meets my expectations. Totally tastes like what I read about on Tripadvisor.”

We wondered what the bartender’s stance on the polarizing libation was, so we decided to ask her about it. “Hey, what the fuck? I saw you guys piss in that gasoline,” bartender Tracy Dama said. “You guys gotta go.”

At press time, Dama was threatening to call the cops, so we bailed.

Scandal-Free Canadian Musician Releases Public Apology Just Because

Posted on by Bobby Korec

MONTREAL — Canadian pop punk musician and overall good dude Jeremiah Dean released a public apology yesterday despite not being accused of any unacceptable behavior whatsoever, utterly confused sources confirmed.

“That stereotype of Canadians saying sorry all the time is absolutely true. It’s like we love apologizing as much as high-profile American men love denying sexual misconduct allegations,” said Dean before apologizing to the cashier at a local Tim Horton’s for ordering extra cream with his coffee. “Also, after seeing the countless amount of emo and pop punk bands release public apology statements of their own recently, I couldn’t wait to get in on that sweet action. Honestly, there’s just something about saying sorry that gives me such a rush of endorphins. If I can somehow get myself cancelled, it’ll be like I hit the apology jackpot.”

Fans of the Quebec musician didn’t seem to buy his supposed admittance of guilt.

“I take public apology statements very seriously and this one seemed rather disingenuous to me,” said long-time fan Debbie Garland. “I mean, if you’re going to make a public apology for something you weren’t even accused of while having no history of inappropriate behavior whatsoever, then at least have the gumption to make it look like you’re actually sorry for what you didn’t do. As far as I’m concerned, he can stuff that sorry in a sack and throw it in a canoe.”

Music historian and critic Jane Krandire explained the long history of musicians atoning publicly.

“There comes a point in every successful band’s career where they must release a public apology,” said Krandire. “And if you don’t get ahead of it before the general public does then you’re in big trouble. We’ve actually seen more and more bands release public apologies as actual tracks on their albums. Usually right around song eight or nine, when the listener is losing interest, a band will throw in a two-minute track that’s a general sorry for what they might’ve done in the past, just in case any old tweets resurface. It’s unusual, but highly effective.”

At press time, Dean announced that he will be doubling down on another Canadian stereotype by writing a concept album about hockey.

Ghost Haunting Capitol Building Feels Cold Chill Every Time Mitch McConnell Passes By

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

WASHINGTON — United States Capitol building ghost, Josiah H. Hubbard, confirmed that he feels a cold chill through his very being every time Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell crosses his path.

“I’ve haunted the Capitol ever since my death by dysentery in 1868 and in all that time, I’ve never gotten the creeps like this,” Hubbard said while hovering spectrally in the Old Supreme Court Chamber. “Sometimes I’ll be floating through the North Wing, deciding whether I want to ooze ectoplasm on a congressional aide, just for kicks. Then I’ll get this feeling like someone walked over my grave, which might actually be happening, and realize it’s just that spooky looking living scarecrow guy again. Just knowing he was in a room makes me shiver, and I don’t even have a corporeal body.”

Longtime Capitol Building janitor Russell Shaver was familiar with Hubbard’s ghost and his reactions.

“These halls have a lot of mysteries and I’ve seen my fair share of things no one can explain,” Shaver said while emptying a waste bin filled with drafts of blocked legislation for voter rights. “I’ve seen the statue of John C. Calhoun turn and look straight at me, I’ve seen Strom Thurmond speaking in tongues. But the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is when that Hubbard ghost appeared just after McConnell chewed out a junior senator for speaking to an MSNBC reporter without permission. That ghost looked like he’d died all over again.”

Dr. Alan Frenkle, a freelance paranormal researcher, had a warning for Hubbard.

“Many Class-D spectral entities like Mr. Hubbard are under the impression that they have nothing to fear, being post-death,” Dr. Frenkle explained while scanning the Capitol Crypt with a spectrometer. “There are, in fact, far more frightening things than death, like Senator McConnell’s weird discolored hand. We don’t know how that cursed hand could affect a spirit. Among researchers of the strange and unexplained like myself, McConnell has a reputation for unknown capabilities, legislatively and otherwise. Mr. Hubbard would do well to try to avoid getting on his radar.”

As of press time, Senator McConnell was finishing a heinous rite that would banish Hubbard’s ghost to an everlasting torment of committee meetings after learning the apparition was a Union soldier in the Civil War.