PALM BEACH, Fla. — The recently reelected Donald Trump announced that he was most excited to return to the White House in order to locate…
SUNNYSIDE, N.Y. — 37-year-old former punk Colson Rankford reportedly retired his favorite medium-sized band T-shirt citing newfound maturity and downplaying his slowed-down metabolism, relieved sources…
INDIANAPOLIS – A small but visibly-confused group of free thinkers stormed the HI-FI Annex stage to incoherently question the connection between weight gain and drinking…
BUFFALO, N.Y. — Forty-two-year-old heavy metal fanatic Jason Higgins shocked bar patrons earlier this week by ordering a Jack Daniel’s Whiskey and cola with the…
SEATTLE — Local man James Tebuto is losing confidence in himself halfway through what he’s realizing is an overwhelming order at Taco Bell, according to…
BRIDGEPORT, Conn. — Heavy Metal Archaeologists remain locked in fierce debate over who erected a pyramid of Coors Light cans that was recently excavated from…
DALLAS — Rhythm guitarist and craft beer connoisseur Kirk Tenly reportedly hasn’t seen his own pedalboard since the late 2000s due to his protruding stomach,…
HOUSTON — Locked-down towns across America are seeing record levels of citizens dressing up as famed frontman Glenn Danzig following months of little to no…
SEATTLE — UX designer Erin Philips shocked her colleagues today at her advertising firm CreateJoy when she elevated her standing desk for the first time…
WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. — A burrito purchased at a local 7-11 today was beyond repulsed by the disgusting schlub who bought and consumed it,…
HAMPSHIRE, England — Popular singer-songwriter Frank Turner gained 40 extra pounds over the last month to properly play and cover NOFX singer Fat Mike’s songs…
MILWAUKEE — Local punk Doug Reece is surprised and deeply troubled that he has lived long enough for his metabolism to decrease so significantly, according…
BURLINGTON, Vt. — Rotund drummer Mike Crenshaw overcame the insecurities associated with his body by leaving his shirt on during a recent set at a…
SAN FRANCISCO – Sobering news out of the punk world this week, as NOFX frontman Fat Mike announced he has suffered acute fake liver failure after…
SALT LAKE CITY, Utah – Spectators at last night’s highly anticipated ClearlyxStraight show were left speechless as local fat guy, Wayne Bussman, displayed a seemingly…