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Man Losing Confidence in Himself Halfway Through Taco Bell Order

SEATTLE — Local man James Tebuto is losing confidence in himself halfway through what he’s realizing is an overwhelming order at Taco Bell, according to witnesses on the scene.

“I don’t really go to Taco Bell that often,” Tebuto said, his hand trembling over the touchscreen of a self-service stand. “I’m really more of a Wendy’s guy. Normally, I just order a $5 Biggie Bag and call it good. But there’s just so many options here. I started with a few tacos, but I got this creeping doubt, should I have gotten Doritos Locos? Then, what about Supreme? Should I have gone with soft tacos? And now I see there’s party packs. Is that for one person or a bunch of people? Should I have stuck to the Value Menu?”

“Oh god, what’s a Gordita?” Tebuto asked, visibly breaking out in sweat.

Janey Williams, a Taco Bell employee on hand, was familiar with cases like this.

“Yeah, that guy is fucking up left and right,” Williams said while reloading a sour cream gun dispenser. “We see people do that, just get in the weeds and collapse halfway through. They get hung up on Chalupa this, black bean that, and just freeze. The sheer number of opportunities for cheesiness is just too much. Fortunately, pretty much all the food is basically the same. Hold on, these burritos need an extra layer.”

Behavioral psychologist Martha Carter sympathized with Tebuto.

“In truth, this kind of confusion stems from knowledge, conscious or not,” Carter said. “Knowing that you should absolutely not be getting Taco Bell. Like, when is it ever a good time to be eating Taco Bell? Has anyone ever gotten Taco Bell because things were going well? Any Taco Bell in the world is full of drunk people, hungover people, depressed people, people looking to play Magic, the Gathering in private, or someone who has no idea what a taco actually is. Just realize that uncertainty is your brain trying to warn you about how delicious, addictive, and dangerously sodium-filled the Deluxe Cravings Box is.”

As of press time, Tebuto was floundering upon realizing that the Coke Freestyle machine had countless micro-variations in Mountain Dew sugar syrups.