SUNNYSIDE, N.Y. — 37-year-old former punk Colson Rankford reportedly retired his favorite medium-sized band T-shirt citing newfound maturity and downplaying his slowed-down metabolism, relieved sources confirmed.
“This band and their music will always represent a very special time in my life. I put them on mix CDs for old girlfriends and I’d wear this shirt to every show I went to,” said Rankford, referring to the Urinal Hockey shirt he purchased after their Warped Tour set in 2005. “But I’ve grown as a person since then, songs about breakups and shitty hometowns don’t do it for me anymore. And yeah, it just so happens that the shirt is a little more snug than it used to be, but that’s completely unrelated to my broad new musical tastes. Pop-punk is just too constricting for me now.”
Despite claims to the contrary, coworker Brian Hatch believes Rankford’s outsized physique to be a major factor in his decision to let the band shirt go.
“He claims to be more ‘mature’ now but he hasn’t listened to any music released after 2008. The truth is that shirt was getting to be more corset than shirt. I thought I was going to have to cut him out of it like an EMT when he wore it on casual Friday a few months back,” said Hatch. “It got to the point where he couldn’t lift a hand above his head without the shirt snapping up over his belly like a broken projector screen, and it had to have been cutting off his circulation. When your hands are turning purple, it’s time to stop clinging to your youth.”
Carmen Ogden, the thrift store employee who received Rankford’s donation, recalled the bittersweet midlife rite-of-passage.
“He really wanted me to appreciate the significance of the moment, but we actually have a whole section for band shirts that older guys have attempted to ‘pass down.’ There’s even a makeshift bereavement lounge over by the furniture where they can collect themselves,” said Ogden. “Sometimes kids buy the shirts ironically, but they’re mostly there for other old dudes to look at before heading to the register with an armload of flannels; it’s kind of a service we provide.”
At press time, Rankford was ordering an XL t-shirt from the Urinal Hockey frontman’s new alt-country acoustic solo project.